Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Happy New Year!

Whatever you'll be doing, whether you're staying home with a cup of hot chocolate and a Rich Tea finger, having a quiet drink with friends or family, or going wild at a party...


I hope 2009 brings you all you ever wanted, and more besides.

Thanks to all of you for reading and contributing to my blog.
You are wonderful people, each and every one of you.

*Love & Hugs*


Monday, December 29, 2008

Sexually Abused! (Part Two)

So, after Peter and I showered that evening we joined the volunteers in the dining tent and listened to a guy play the guitar. If we knew the words to the songs we'd join in. It was great fun. Lol.

Bedtime soon came.
Dom, Peter and I were sharing a tent and Dom laid his sleeping bag out in the middle, so we had to sleep either side of him.
It was horrible getting undressed and into our pyjamas in front of Dom, and he wasn't exactly shy about getting undressed in front of us!

Anyway, I can't remember what time it was when I awoke, but I know it was early morning...around 6.00am(ish) because it was quite light.
So, I was laying on my left side (my favourite position) in my sleeping bag, having a wonderful sexy dream. I was being wanked off and it was fantastic, so realistic. It was slow and tender, not rushed.
The next thing I remember was hearing "Are you awake Col?" I thought I was still dreaming so I didn't answer. Lol.
Then I heard, right up close to my ear "Oh yes, he's awake!" and I fucking jumped out of my skin. It was Dom. He was on his side, his face so close to mine, and his right arm was still inside my sleeping bag...still wanking me off!!

It was obviously Peter who had asked if I was awake, having seen what Dom was doing.
I was confused and shocked, I didn't know what to say or do...shout at him? Cry? Turn over and pretend to be asleep? I didn't know!

It must have only been seconds later that I just pulled Dom's hand away and said something like "Yeah, I'm awake now!"
I got out of my bag, grabbed my clothes and trainers, said I was going to take a shower and left the tent, without looking at either of them. I was headed towards the showers when Peter ran up behind me, with his clothes in his hands, and asked me if I was alright. I knew I had tears in my eyes when I said I was okay but I managed to hold back the full flow.

He didn't say anything else and I was grateful for that. I didn't say anything to him either, we never spoke about it again, but I often wondered why was he awake so early? Had Dom "played" with him too?

Anyway, we headed to the showers and luckily Peter had thought to grab his toiletries bag and a towel. I hadn't, I'd just wanted to get out of the tent as quick as possible. Lol.
It was bloody cold that early in the morning, and it didn't help trying to dry myself on Peter's wet towel either, but I felt better already. I just used my finger and his toothpaste to clean my teeth because I didn't want to go back to the tent.

When I eventually plucked up the courage to face Dom again I said I wanted to sleep in the same tent as my brother Tom for the rest of the week. He would be arriving later that day. He didn't try to change my mind, maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he was afraid I would tell somebody about what he'd done? Again, I don't know!
Tom knew that something was wrong with me shortly after arriving, but I just told him I'd had a headache all day because I was tired.

I enjoyed the rest of the holiday very much, and made some good friends for a short time anyway.

When I returned home I did cry about it in private. I couldn't tell my parents, especially my dad. I thought, and felt, that people would think it was all my fault, that I couldn't have really been asleep and so I knew what was happening. That in turn made me feel guilty...maybe I did really know, but I was enjoying it and didn't want to admit it to myself! That made me feel really disgusted with myself. Maybe I gave Dom some signals which he just reacted to, so I deserved it?

I rarely even think about it now unless either of two things triggers the memory:

1...I hear the song "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer. I heard that song so much whilst on that holiday.

2...When people talk about Elvis dying. He died about a week after I got back home.

I would say this to anybody who has been abused, whether it's sexually, physically or mentally...

...talk to somebody, anybody, but do it! Don't feel guilty, you are the victim and the abuser deserves to be, and should be punished. There are freephone helplines and the Samaritans, if you want to remain anonymous...but speak out regardless, do not suffer in silence. You are not alone.

My "cyber" door is always open to anybody who wants to talk or email, and I know the same can be said for many of my fellow bloggers.

I've decided not to post any humour today. I don't think it would be appropriate, sorry!

Take care everyone!


Sunday, December 28, 2008

Sexually Abused! (Part One)

Hi guys,

Thanks to everybody who has been reading, commenting on, and following my blog. I'm really quite amazed at the response to the poll too, in terms of the amount of voters. I thought I'd be lucky to get ten in the fortnight. I was also amazed at the age range; I know that not all teenagers are crazy about sex, but will they read the more serious posts? I'll just have to wait and see I guess. Lol.

There are only nine days left on the polls, so please:

VOTE! vote! VOTE! vote! VOTE! vote! VOTE! vote! VOTE!

So on to today's topic...I have never, ever told this to anybody. The only people who know (unless they told others) are me, Peter, and the Dirty Old Man (Dom), and he's probably dead now anyway. I'll give you some background information so you know how I knew 'Dom', but I'll be as brief as I can (hehe, me and brief just doesn't work).

In 1977, when Peter and I were just thirteen years old, we decided to enter a talent competition at our local youth centre. If we won we would go to the next stage and compete at the local Theatre. Well, we won (yippee!). Then we won the next competition and was invited to do three acts in The Town Show. This was an annual event where the acts were mostly Cub Scouts, though I'd never heard of it, and one of the organisers was 'Dom'.

To cut a long story short; after the show he asked us if we would mind performing our acts in some old age pensioners homes, you know like community homes. Our parents agreed to this and so we saw quite a lot of him in the following months.
My brother Tom would have to tag along too sometimes, my dad insisted, but after a while I didn't really mind.

Now 'Dom' was at least sixty-five, probably more by my reckoning, and had to walk with the aid of a stick because of an old war wound...seriously! But, his youngest child, a son, was only about seventeen. He gave me the creeps more than 'Dom' did, he looked evil with his thick, black, greasy hair and the beginnings of a moustache. The way he looked at me really scared me. Facially, he reminded me a bit of Hitler...but his eyes were just...EVIL!!!

It wasn't long before 'Dom' started to show some "affection". He would cuddle us, or try to anyway, it was gross. Then he started "play fighting" with us, but he couldn't really move around because of his leg, so he would just grab hold of you around the waist or chest instead. While he had you in his grasp his free hand would keep clenching on your leg, above the knee, and end up at your upper thigh.
His grip on you was strong but his balance was another matter, so he never had a hold of you for long...thank fuck!

'Dom' also volunteered (well I doubt he was paid, but?) for an organisation that helped under-privileged children by arranging camping holidays for them. As Peter was from a one-parent family, and my family was piss-poor, he asked our parents if they wanted to apply for us (Tom included).

They were successful and the next thing I know we were off to Danbury. The only people to go on the first day and night would be the volunteers, Peter and I. This was because (allegedly) he wanted us to help out with cooking and organising the others when they arrived, so he needed to fill us in on H&S etc. Tom would be picked up and arrive with all the others the next afternoon.

I can't remember how many volunteers there were, but they were male and female and mixed ages. I do remember one of them (Steve) was really fucking sexy. He was 18-19, blonde crew-cut hair, muscular and very cute. Everybody, and I mean everybody, wanted to be in his tent!
Steve's cousin was there too. He was around 15-16, slim (but not skinny), blonde hair again but quite long and straight, blue eyes and a really gorgeous smile.

Now what did I say near the beginning about "me and brief just doesn't work"?

I know I shouldn't keep apologising about my post length (about 6.25" if you really want to know, hehe), but I just don't seem to be able to get to the point, quickly. Lol.
It may be because I like to know everything when I read something, so that's how I write too. I don't know so you'll have to put up with it I'm afraid.

In Part Two: The Dirty Deed...How I Felt About It Then...What I Feel Now.

Depending on the length, I may be able to fit in a joke or two also.

Thanks for reading!

Take good care of yourself,

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Edit - Poll about "Sex With My Buddies" posts

Hi guys,

Sorry if you already voted (x2 Twenties, x1 Stop them, x2 Cont. with details), but I added another option...please either re-vote if you wish to remain anonymous, or comment that you had already voted (leave details).

Many thanks,

This is my first poll and it's not what I envisaged my first one would be about, but it is (to me at least) necessary if I'm to/not to continue with the "Sex With My Buddies" posts.

Of course I want to attract new readers, who doesn't, but I don't want to do that at the expense of losing my regular readers.

One of the readers commented that my post was too explicit for them so they did not finish reading it. I thank him for his honesty, and, for telling me so too. I respect everybody's opinion so I read the post again, and I thought...actually, did I really need to go into so much detail? Surely, just saying that we sucked each other off in some bushes would have been adequate!
It would've been a shorter post, that's for sure lol.

Then I thought...well maybe it wasn't too graphic really, because I was trying to put across my first sexual experience with another person. We were twelve years old and experimenting with sex for the first time in our lives. I was trying to show our inexperience in the things I wrote, but it was a truthful account of what happened and what I was thinking...as I remember it, nothing more. Peter and I fumbled our way through that evening, and a few more too until we'd gained some knowledge of each others likes and dislikes, desires etc.

So, as I don't know whether to carry on with these posts or not, I've decided to leave it up to my readers to decide the outcome, by way of a poll...see sidebar (2 Polls).

Do I stop?
Do I continue...with graphic descriptions?
Do I continue...without graphic descriptions?
Do I continue...in my own sweet way?

I'd also like to know the age of voters too, so please vote on both polls. Of course you can always vote and comment.

Thanks to all those who left comments on the last post, and as always I have left my comment to each of you.

Lines are now open so please...


I hope you've had a great weekend...and finished all your shopping lol.

Take care,

Friday, December 19, 2008

...Sex With My Buddies - Peter

Post 2 of 2 for Friday 19th December

First, let me just say that the "sex buddies" I'll be writing about were actually my best friends at the time. We went to school together, and hung out after school together. We played and we partied, and we "enjoyed" each others company. One of them is still a great friend today.

Going up to senior school was frightening for me, especially after hearing all about the alleged initiation ceremonies that we were going to be put through lol, and the thought of having to make new friends was scarier than anything else.

As you know by now, I was (and still am) extremely shy so my first three or four weeks there were quite traumatic, I just kept to myself all the time; in form class, lessons, every break time...I was so lonely and when I got home, and actually found some privacy, I would cry. I remember saying to myself a lot; "I wish I was dead, I hate it!"
I knew I couldn't talk to my parents so I suffered in silence and wondered if any of the other kids were feeling the same, or was it just me?


...was completely the opposite of me; he was very outgoing and confident and within a couple of weeks he was one of the most popular kids in class. Why he chose me as a friend I'll never know, maybe he felt sorry for me lol.

He wasn't particularly cute, not to me anyway, he had this really unruly mop of dark, curly, wiry hair which I later discovered was a feature he shared with his beloved dogs lol.
He did have a cute and cheeky smile though. His nose was a little pointed and his eyes were hazel. He was considerably taller than me, but then it would be difficult not to be. His body was nice, very slim but not skinny. He wasn't from the area either so he had a 'country yokel' accent which was actually quite nice.

As for me, I was obviously shorter than him but I was the same kind of build. I had blonde hair and blue eyes.

About ten or eleven weeks into the term Peter and I were playing in a park after school, it wasn't the best park around but it was quieter than the others, it was November so it was cold too. We'd just finished doing something, I can't remember what exactly, when he just asks me "Col, can I suck your knob?"...lol yeah "knob", that was the 'In' word way back then.
Well, I was like speechless (for about two seconds lol) and then I asked him "Can I suck yours after?" He just gave me his best cheeky grin and said "Yeah! If you want to."

So, we found a private(ish) place in between some shrubs, against a tall wooden fence. The trouble was; whoever was blowing wouldn't be seen because they'd be squatting down, but, whoever was being blown would be seen...from the waist up anyway. So it was really scary but all the more exciting for that lol. It's a good job the park was virtually deserted by now, and it was dark too (luckily).

I let Peter unzip my fly, unbutton my jeans and pull down my pants. I was crapping myself now and I was still soft, I guess it was nerves or something, and it didn't help that it was cold either...if you get my meaning. I developed early so I wasn't ashamed of my penis size, and I had a nice little bush of soft pubes too.

Anyway, he suddenly asked "Are you ready?" and I couldn't help it...I just burst out laughing (those damned nerves again). That made him laugh too and he had to wait for a bit to re-compose himself.
All of a sudden I felt the warmth of his mouth enclose my penis and I sighed with pleasure. I was hard almost instantaneously. It felt good so good, especially as my butt and balls were freezing by now lol. Then he started working his mouth up and down it, gently at first, although softly would be a better description because his lips were hardly touching me.

I asked him to suck it harder and I guess he knew what I meant because his lips tightened over my penis. Now as his head was going back and forth my foreskin was too.
I'd never felt any sensation like this, ever! Sure I'd been wanking for ages, but there was no comparison between these two completely different sensations.
After about a minute I told Peter to stop, it was his turn now.

We reversed positions and I was really dreading it, I loved it being done to me but what if I didn't like doing it to him? What if he didn't like me doing it to him? There was only one way to find out! After unzipping him and pulling down his pants, just to below his balls, I took his knob in my mouth. He was soft at the time too, but as soon as I started on him it began to harden straight away. From what I could see in the dark, he had a lovely cock and a nice bush. He was uncut too and had a nice scrotum. I didn't know it at the time, but I would see his entire body "up close and personal", and do stuff with him in the days, weeks and months to come that would confirm to me that I was gay.

Seeing as I liked it with his lips gripping firmer that's what I did to him from the start. It sounded like he enjoyed it as much as I did lol, and he put his hand to the back of my head and gently kept pushing it whenever my head went forward on his penis. He stopped me after about a minute too and pulled up his trousers.

We spoke about what had happened, how we felt, we said to each other that we weren't queer, and we agreed we were going to do it again tomorrow...only this time it would be somewhere less public.

I was worried when I got to school the next day in case it had changed our friendship, but Peter was fine. At lunch time I asked him if he'd changed his mind or if we were still going to suck each other off tonight. He grinned that cheeky grin and just said "Oh yeah! Definitely!", and we laughed. I came to love that cheeky little grin of his lol.

We actually did a lot of stuff (except anal) after that, in all kinds of places too, but if you want to hear more about Peter and I, and my other schoolboy "sex buddies" you'll have to stay tuned.

This blog is not going to turn into a pornographic story blog, not at all, but the relationships with four of my best friends were a huge part of my life between the ages of twelve and sixteen.

So, if you don't want to read anymore about that stuff then please don't read and posts entitled "Sex With My Buddies"

I even got myself trapped into having "straight" sex, and if I hadn't already known I was gay...that would've convinced me lol! More about in the future, it starts of with two guys and one girl but...

To those of you that do want to hear more;

Please be so kind as to comment.

I hope you enjoyed the post!

Take care,

Schoolboy Crushes...

Post 1 of 2 for Friday 19th December

My first real crush, well the first one that left me devastated and in tears, was actually for my teacher in the third year of junior school so I was aged about nine or ten. He could only have been in his mid twenties at the most, and he was by far the cutest and sexiest teacher in the school.

I don't think it was a sexual thing because I don't remember fantasising about that sort of stuff. However, I do remember lots of stuff about him like; he had no hair on his arms and he had a habit of clenching his fists, so you could see his muscles working on his forearms. He was quite muscular and looked really fit. He had short dark hair with brown eyes and a roman nose lol.

His smile was wide and cheeky and when he laughed he looked even younger. He had a deep, throaty voice which I didn't think matched his face, but you can't have everything lol!

He took over as choir master from the aged old lady that had done it since the year dot, so I joined the choir just so I could see more of him. He was really passionate about music and singing and when he got really worked up you could see these white globules of spittle at the corners of his mouth...not pretty lol. One problem he did have was that his feet really stank, it would waft out from his shoes and if you were too close for too long it was a bit urgh! It didn't stop me from getting close though lol.

More than anything else, he was passionate about teaching and was always kind, gentle, considerate, caring and funny. It was obvious that he loved teaching and kids. I really looked up to him, I guess he was more of a role model to me than anything else (something I never had then, or after), and I wanted to grow up to be just like him.

After my year with him was up, and even though I knew I'd still see him from time to time around the school, I cried for ages (in private of course). I loved him so much that I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing him everyday at school. I even prayed to God and asked that he would replace my father with my teacher.

He took up the post of Deputy Head in another school before my final year was up, and I never saw him again.

Today's second post is about the beginning of my first gay relationship at school...check it out!

Thanks guys,

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I knew I was gay from the age of...


I'd done all the usual stuff with girls that young boys do by that age, you know the stuff...kiss chase, you show me yours and I'll show you mine etc...
...but I always enjoyed that kind of thing with the boys more than I did with the girls (never played kiss chase with the boys though, damn it!! lol)

Most of my friends then were my neighbours and the majority of them were around the same age so there was a lot of "comparing" that went on, and a lot of wishing and questioning too lol..."Wow, I wish mine was that big!" or "Will mine be that big when I'm 9/10 (or whatever)?"

Comparisons were made between soft and hard, but it was difficult to stay soft long enough to make a comparison sometimes :)

The best thing was when we all went swimming as a group, man I loved those times, no cubicles back then...just one huge communal changing room. I loved seeing all those naked boys running around trying to flick each other with their towels, or, just discreetly looking at a particularly good looking boy while he dried himself off.
I didn't actually like swimming and I still don't, in fact I'm a very poor swimmer still today. But, it was all about the boys for me...nothing else!
I was never really confused about how I felt but I knew it wasn't normal, and like many others I had nobody to talk too and no Internet in those days anyway, so I accepted my feelings very early in life.
I have certainly never felt any guilt or shame with regard to being gay so I guess that maybe I've had it pretty easy compared to some people.
"So why didn't you 'come out' when you were younger?" you may be asking...that will be answered in a future post so stay tuned to this blog lol.

So, I knew I was definitely gay at the age of twelve because that's when I had my first gay sexual experience/relationship and I knew there and then that my feelings for boys were true...stay tuned for that too!

Seeing as this has been about age I thought I'd share the following joke/story with you. It's about being much older but it made me laugh, and I hope it makes you laugh too...

...Do I look that old?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking; 'Surely I can't look that old?'
Well, my name is Jake Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some forty-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then, I wondered?

Upon seeing him however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate!

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Mustang!' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
'In 1965. Why do you ask?' was his reply.
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald-headed, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked;
'What did you teach?'

Until next time then!

Take care,

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Sibling rivalry & Fighting for affection - Part 1

According to my mum, I was a wonderful baby lol. I rarely cried, I would just eat, sleep and giggle...even when I was ill. Apparently I had a huge appetite too, I used to eat three Weetabix at a time, but I could shit through the eye of a needle after lol...and in those days it was all "terry" nappies/diapers so she had to wash them all...sorry mum!

Anyway, there's only 11 months between Tom and I and he was always a little shit according to mum. We used to share this double pram and when the hoods were up my mum could hear us, but not see us. On more than one ocassion she would wonder why we were so quiet and look in on us. There would be Tom with his finger nails planted firmly in both my cheeks and me just sitting there, not making a sound.

She reckons that as soon as she said something like: "Oh darling, are you alright?" my bottom lip would quiver and then I'd start to cry, but until that moment I'd just silently let him do it...omg I was such a pussy back then lol.

She also thinks that Tom was jealous of the attention she gave me, because I was no trouble, and that was one of his reactions to it...it's possible I suppose.

So, to things that I actually remember; I guess I was about 5 years old and Tom was sitting on my dad's lap. I asked dad if I could sit on it too and he said yes, extended an arm to help me up but pushed me away instead. I thought it was funny so I laughed and tried to get on his lap, only to be pushed away again. This went on for about 5 or 6 attempts and by now he and Tom were laughing, but I was not. On my final attempt I started crying and asked why he wouldn't let me up, I remember my mum shouting at my dad to stop but that just angered him. This final time he pushed me so hard that I went flying backwards into the sideboard and hit my head and cried harder.

His reaction was to say that he was only playing with me and to start calling me a little baby, a little girl who didn't deserve to sit on his lap...that was only for boys like Tom.
Then I was told to go and sit on my mum's lap...because that's where I belonged...with women!
All I wanted was to sit on his lap and have a cuddle for fucks sake...why would anyone be so cruel to a young child? Anyway, Tom loved it. He sat there afterwards and each time I looked at him he would smile and snuggle into my dad, just to rub it in...bless him!

Now, this post is already long so I'm stopping here (well, shortly). This is one incident aged about 5, and there are many incidents in my life concerning my dad and Tom so maybe I'll only be able to post one at a time...but that could take years lol.

I could just bullet point them, but without the history to each memory that would make for boring reading (if you're not bored already that is).

I don't really know how to proceed, I thought I had all this worked out until I saw the length of the post lol.

Any suggestions????

Also, I've neglected to add some humour to the end of my posts so here's a little bit...

Thanks for reading guys, and I will try to post more often.

All comments/questions are welcome.

Take care,

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Beyond Belief

I recently received a comment from Musicbuff which I could not believe. He left the comment on the "fairy Lights" post, but it was made in response to my reply to a comment from Patrick, on my "Spare the rod - Part 1" post...got that lol?

Now I know you guys are generous with your time, your comments, your thoughts and your advice...for which I am eternally grateful, but...well, see for yourself:

From Musicbuff:

Please do not be offended by this but, if you set up a pay pal account i am sure we could donate what we can each afford. I feel that you have loyal readers and we do not want one of our favorites to be in distress while keeping us entertained and informed. Please give it serious thought my friend.

I was genuinely touched by his kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity. I felt I had to post about it.

In this crazy, messed-up world we live in it's just so heart warming, and amazing, to know that there are wonderful people like Musicbuff out there...it doesn't matter whether he was willing to donate $10,000 or $1 to help me heat my home, the point is this...I'm a virtual stranger who he doesn't know from Adam, and yet he cares!!

Now, needless to say that I did reply by email (it deserved no less from me) and politely refused, it's not something I would, or could, do...so don't panic, I'm not expecting any offers from anybody lol!!
I just wanted to bring his generosity to everybody's attention and thank him publicly, so...

...Thank you Musicbuff, you're a wonderful guy!!

I hope I haven't embarrassed you and I hope you're not suddenly inundated with begging letters either lol.

Take care everyone!


Thursday, December 4, 2008

Puppet Terror...Funny Video!!!

I mentioned in a post that certain puppets freak me out, but nothing like this kid....

Kid Is Terrified Of Puppets - Watch more Free Videos

He's probably got brain damage now!!

Fairy Lights!!

Omg, I'd hate to see their electricity bills!!

Amazing Christmas Lights Display - Watch more Free Videos

Absolutely Amazing Christmas Lights Show - Watch more Entertainment

Has anybody got any better or more recent ones?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Spare the rod - Part 1...Discipline or Abuse?

First of all, on the side bar you'll see a "Coming soon" list. This is a list of planned posts for the future about my life so far. There will be "now" posts as and when anything interesting happens lol. I stole the idea from Patrick who writes a wonderful blog I've recently started following. I hope you don't mind Patrick. :)

Also, a particular blog has recently posted on two subjects I'd planned to talk about so I've postponed them until later so it doesn't look like I'm jumping on the bandwagon. At least if they're "advertised" in advance I can't be accused of that lol.

I would also just like to thank the people who read this, and especially those that comment. I do reply to them in the comments section. I feel it's the least I can do when you've gone to the trouble of reading and commenting...I would like some more though, even if it's just to say "Hi, I read your blog" or something...c'mon, don't be shy guys lol!!


"He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes."
(Proverbs 13:24)

Well fuck me, if that's true then I guess I was totally wrong about my dad all this time...we must have been the most loved kids in the whole wide world lol!!!
He was obviously very misunderstood, I just can't understand why it's taken me so long to see that we were beaten so much because he loved us all so dearly!

I guess you live and learn, eh?

Yeah right!!!

The man was a fucking wanker, he should never have had kids (or at least not so many). So I'm saying, in that case, that I might never have existed...so what! I wouldn't have known anyway lol, and I wouldn't be sitting here now spilling my guts to you guys.
Btw, I'm not angry while I'm writing this (just fucking frozen; wearing fingerless gloves and a woolly hat lol. Can't afford to use the heating during the day lol.), as time goes by I think less about him. I hope this helps me to forget about him completely soon.
It's the 21st anniversary of his death in two days and I won't be visiting his grave. My siblings don't ask me anymore lol. I've only been there twice and all I felt was anger and resentment, so bollocks to him! It's the best thing he ever did for me!!! Sorry, but it was.

I've told you that when I was young, around 3 or 4, he was ok. However, even then he would take his temper out on us. He was short, but very strong, and he didn't hold back when you were getting "walloped" as he called it. You were hoisted into the air by your arm (later it could be by the leg, whichever he could grab first while you were trying to get away from him) then he would would whack you, and I mean whack, on the bum. As soon as you moved your free arm to cover your bum he would whack you on the top your legs, as soon as you tried to cover your legs he'd get your bum again etc. Once was never enough, remember we were toddlers, infants, but I'm sure he enjoyed it.

My mum would shout at him that enough was enough; it was unnecessary; he was marking us; why did he have to hit us so hard etc. But, he just told her to shut-up; he would punish us however he saw fit; he was only "tapping" us and god help us if he really lost his temper.

Well he marked us alright; physically yeah...we had "raised" hand prints/welts all over our bum and legs, but he was marking us mentally too.

To be continued....

I don't want to make the posts too long and bore everybody.

Two quick things before I go; I was chatting with Adam yesterday and he sent me a very short piece of music which was created by using my (full) name as a musical equation. I think that's right but if not then I apologise (you know what I'm like with "techy" stuff lol). Anyway, I thought it was great and also a lovely thing to do. I'll treasure it. So Adam, in the immortal words of ABBA: Thank you for the music! *Hug*

Finally, to any fellow bloggers who read my blog and are on my Blog List; would you kindly add me to yours please?
Similarly, any bloggers reading who are not on my list; please leave a comment and I'll check yours out!

Thanks for reading guys and please, please, please leave some kind of comment.(Was that a little too desperate? lol)

Until next time...

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Losing My Religion.

This post (and others that will follow) are predominantly about my relationship with my Father and my brother Tom, how our relationships have affected me even to this day. There will be stuff about religion, discipline, sibling rivalry, love, hate, shame, neglect, oppression, hope etc; and I'll try to minimise the amount of posts if I can, but once I start rambling...Lol.

So here goes...

My dad was a devout Roman Catholic and attended Mass and Confession/Holy Communion religiously (no pun intended), he was Irish but had lived in England since he was a boy. Even so, he still had that infamous Irish temper even though he didn't really drink then. The drinking came much later, and although I suppose he was a "happy" drunk his anger would flare up and the violence would ignite (more about that later). My mum is Jewish so she never attended Mass with us. There was a fourteen year age gap between my parents (my mum being the younger).

From as early as I can remember we were "dragged along" to church every Sunday morning, rain or shine. If mum thought one of us was too ill to go out she literally had to beg my dad not to take us. He always relented but was not happy about it, then again he was rarely happy anyway.

Their bedroom had loads of religious icons on the walls and dressing table. I don't know if this bothered my mum, but it wouldn't have made any difference if it did. He was boss!!!

Now I'm not religious at all, sure I had to go to Mass and I had to say my prayers every night and every morning when I was growing up. I had to attend Confession/Holy Communion but that was a farce in itself. Tom and I were forced to go through this when I was about fourteen and him thirteen. We didn't want to and we told our dad that. We'd also asked him in the past if we could stop going to Mass. We thought that we should be given the choice whether we wanted to attend or not. We were only there because we had no choice at the time, and forcing us to go wouldn't make us believe. In fact it may make us resent the Church/God later. This made him really angry and of course the answer was that we would continue to go as long as we were living under his roof.

So, when it came to my first Confession I was literally shitting myself. The thought of having to tell the priest/God all my sins was terrifying, I felt physically sick.
I mean, by this age I'd known for years I was gay and I'd had gay sexual experiences with two friends too. Did my dad really think I was going to blurt all this out, regardless of it being said in a confessional and that it was "privileged" information?...I think not!!!! And besides, to confess all of my "sins" would've taken like... forever. I'd have needed a couple of gallons of tea and a dozen rounds of sandwiches for the amount of time I would have been in there.

So I just said stuff like: I was rude to my parents, I swore at a teacher, I fought with my brother, I broke some body's window and ran away etc. (I'll probably go to hell just for lying in Confession, but hey ho!)
The thing is, I remember sweating profusely whilst confessing, feeling like He knew that I was lying and would punish me for yet another sin (maybe he has already, maybe that's why I've never had somebody to love or somebody to love me, who knows?)

Anyway, it was many years after that I was finally able to stop attending Mass etc; and that was only because it suited my dad at the time.
I've never been to Mass since and that's because of the following reasons:

1] Being forced to go when I was young really pissed me off.
2] My prayers were never answered.
3] In my teens too many hypocrites (in my opinion) attended Mass and came across as nice people inside the church, but then went straight to the pub (or Church Social Club) and got drunk. There were arguments and fights (and not just between the men), piss-taking and general disrespecting of people. Some even went home and beat their wife and/or kids.

I was taught that to be "Christian" was to be kind, helpful, thoughtful, neighbourly and the rest (for any Non-Christians who may read this: I mean no offence,it's what I was taught but not what I believe)...but all I could see was a lot of drunken Irishmen, my dad included, who seemed to care about nothing except how many more pints or shorts they could drink before chucking-out time.

There's a quote I like, I don't who said it but it's:

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a garage makes you a mechanic!"

That rings very true to me, based on my own experience. By the way, I have nothing against Irishmen. My local church's congregation used to be made up almost entirely of Irishmen (the 11am Sunday Mass was anyway), so that's why I saw so many.

All of the above is probably secondary to how I was (mis)treated/disciplined, or how I felt that I was starved of love, affection and encouragement as a child, teenager and young adult by my dad.
I'll go into that in a future post where the opening will be the following quotes from the Bible:

"He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes."
(Proverbs 13:24)
"Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with a rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell."
(Proverbs 23:13-14)
All I will say at the moment is that my skin was no stranger to my dad's hands or his bamboo cane lol!!
Take care,
Sorry about the block of text at the end but I'm having problems editing...again!!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Volunteering update.

Hi guys,

I just received a phone call from the volunteer lady to say that she's still waiting to hear from her colleague at the GBLT drop-in cafe. As everybody only works part-time it can sometimes be quite a long wait.

However, she also went on to say that she was going to be cheeky and ask me if I would be interested in being her own support assistant, on a volunteer basis of course. Apparently after our two telephone conversations last week she got the impression that I was a confident person (probably because I wouldn't give up lol) and she felt that I would be suited to the position.

As I said in my introduction to blogging, I am very confident in work situations...face to face and telephone...just not in social situations.
So, I am meeting with her tomorrow morning to discuss things and learn about the role. This doesn't mean I'm giving up on volunteering with a GBLT group, in fact, she said that if I was working there I could look for those openings myself lol.

Looking forward to it and I'll update as and when.

Now, what am I going to wear?? It will probably take me an hour to decide lol!!

Take care,

Friday, November 21, 2008


Hi guys,

After my rant on Wednesday (for which I apologise, I was just feeling really down at the time), I had a comment from Aron which basically said: Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your arse and go volunteer. Do something useful instead of moping around all day.

Musicbuff agreed with him...thanks guys!!!

So, on Monday I had already began searching on the internet for local GBLT organisations that I could volunteer with, but to no avail. There was nothing in my area and because of my limited budget I couldn't afford to travel. I was pissed off to say the least, and I think it actually contributed to my foul mood for the next couple of days.

After reading my comments on Wednesday however, I got up on Thursday and thought "Fuck this shit!! I'm not giving up. I want to, and need to, do this!!"
I was in a much better mood than the previous day because I was really looking forward to sorting this out.
So I phoned one of the organisations (non GBLT) in my area and told them I wanted to volunteer. The guy said he'd see what was available. Whilst he was looking at his monitor(?) he asked my age. I told him and then he said "Oh right, we'll we can cross that one off then, and that one, and that one too!! Sorry I don't have anything." Then there was silence. I couldn't believe it, apparently they're crying out for volunteers but they don't have anything, or anything for somebody my age at least!
I didn't let it go and asked if he could give me the names and numbers of any other local organisations. This he did.

I checked out the organisations and decided to contact one that covered the entire district, not just my area.
I spoke to a lady and gave her the same info; age, wanted voluntary work with the GBLT community if possible etc. and we arranged for an informal interview next Tuesday.

I was so happy, it was amazing how much my mood had changed/lifted simply because I felt I would soon have a purpose during my search for work.

I received another comment from Aron early that evening, and it read:

"So, did you grasp the nettle today?" (I had to laugh, how cheeky is that??)

I hope my reply surprised him, he was probably thinking I'd been moping around all day...again.

Anyway, I went to bed still feeling happy that night, even though I still didn't sleep any better...Lol.
I got up today in a geat mood too, I was going to be helping Dick with some DIY. Nothing great about that I know, but it meant I was doing SOMETHING, and we had a good laugh doing it anyway!

Then, around 3.30pm I felt really deflated. The volunteer lady phoned me to say she had to cancel our appointment and she hadn't been able to find anything in the area either.
So, not wanting to give up I said that as long as it wasn't too far, because of the expense, I would be willing to travel further afield. She went on to explain that as a volunteer any travel expenses are paid anyway...Woot Woot!! It was on again!!
She knows of a GBLT drop-in cafe in a large coastal town, not too far away, that may have something. So she is going to contact the person who runs it and get back to me early next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath that there'll be something available there, and I've also told her that I will do something regardless of the outcome. I've got many years of retail management experience so I don't mind putting hours in at a charity shop. I don't give a shit what it is to be honest.

So, I'm back in a happy mood.
I will be volunteering in some way or other.
Whether directly or indirectly, I will be helping others.
It's a good way of meeting new people and networking...might find a job...Lol.
When I do find a full-time job I will still do voluntary work, even if it means a different kind.

I'm so excited...I just can't fucking wait!!!!

*Fingers crossed*


p.s. Thanks Aron & Musicbuff!!! I needed that push...Lol.

A few random bits:
Between the ages of six and thirteen I grew up with two people from the following famous (well, famous in the UK...LOl) bands - Depeche Mode, Yazoo, Erasure, The Assembly.

I nearly always have to have my feet outside of the duvet, even in the depths of winter. They get so hot it feels like they're going to explode...what a freak!

I've never sprained/broken any bones.

Apart from having my tonsils removed when I was four or five, I've never had any other surgery.

I wish I could play the piano.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Reasons and stuff.

Hi guys,

I haven't posted for a while for the following reasons:

As you may know I am a very emotional guy, I cry at the drop of a hat at both sad and happy stuff...books, movies and recently BLOGS!

I follow fifteen blogs at the moment (with another three that I check on regularly), and they are all full of such emotion a lot of the time that I get overloaded with it all. I wish that I could detach myself from my feelings but it's just not possible.
If you couple all these emotions with long time Insomnia (since I was a teenager) you can imagine how my sleep, or lack of it, has been. (Edit: Not Hypochondria as stated in original post...Duh!)
One night, two weeks ago, I went to bed around 12:45 am and was still awake at 3:30, so I went downstairs for a smoke. Nothing unusual in that for me. Then at 4:30 I did it again. At 5.30 I just thought "what's the fucking point in this?" and got up, made a sandwich and a cuppa, then put on a movie.
I just can't switch off when I go to bed, I think (and worry) about everything and everyone!

So, one night last week I was reading Razz's (Woot Woot, It only took me five minutes to figure out how to add that link...Lol) latest post/comments and he said about my commenting...don't sleep, right timing, or something like that, and I realised I was becoming obsessed with it all.
I wasn't obsessed with being the first one to comment, and I know that's not what he meant, but I was obsessed none the less. I wanted to be a part of something, even just a "comment" in somebody else's life, somebody I don't even know. I guess that's what years and years of loneliness does to you. I'm getting choked up now...how fucking sad is that ffs??? See what I mean about my emotions...Lol!

Anyway, just to let you know Razz...I am still following your wonderful blog daily (and all the others for that matter), but I have held back on the commenting. I'm trying not to get too involved anymore with any of the blogs, but how long that will last I don't know.
Also, thanks for your concern on the "p.p.s"
I'm happy that you and Jay are very happy (even if he is a little bruised now...Lol), and I am so jealous of your travel plans for December, especially the Spain trip.

So that's one reason, the other two are kind of connected...content and age.

All the blogs I follow are written by much, much younger people...ages 15 to 32ish.
I didn't set out to follow these particular blogs, they were just discovered along the way, and their content is all about what they're going through NOW and how they're feeling NOW.

My blog (so far and for the foreseeable future) is all about my past!
Is anybody actually interested in what happened in my life ten, twenty, thirty years ago??
I would have had things in common with them then, but not now, not when I'm a fossil in their eyes.
There's nothing happening in my life right now that's worth writing about, who knows about the future? There are some major changes planned soon, but until they happen...!!

It's the same on MSN, I'd love to chat with them, but again I feel like...who the fuck wants to talk to a 44 year old? They would much rather chat with people around their own age, people who are going through similar things to them right now, and I can totally understand that, but no matter how old I am...I'm still lonely, I've just been lonelier for a lot longer than them.
Hence, I've stopped logging on to MSN.

So there it is, a self pitying rant that's probably got you thinking "Grow up!!", "Get a life!!" or other similar/worse stuff (Lol), and you're entitled to think that!!

Maybe I should just explain that I have been unemployed for the past fourteen months, and with Britain teetering on the brink of a recession it's getting harder and harder to even find full-time vacancies to apply for.
I started full-time work at sixteen and have rarely been unemployed since, so I'm finding it really hard at the moment.
My rent and council tax is paid for by the state and I receive £242.00 per month to live on. After my bills are paid (gas and electric takes a huge chunk of that) I'm left with £8.00 a week for food. I'm going stir-crazy within these walls and getting more depressed as time goes by. I put on a brave face to my family and friends (when I see them), and tell them I'm fine, but I really feel like I'm dying inside!!! Here come the tears again!!

I've got far too much time on my hands but I hate daytime TV and don't watch it. The evenings are no better, there's hardly anything I watch regularly...British TV is just full of crap: Reality shows, "talent" contests, cookery stuff etc.
I do like to read and do crossword/arrowword puzzles, and luckily I've got a good collection of DVD's too, but sometimes I find myself just looking at the screen and not hearing anything...I've gone somewhere else.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to motivate myself to do anything; I'm slim (wouldn't you be too, living on £8.00 a week...Lol) and I keep on saying that I'll start exercising to get a six (but more likely a four) pack and improve my chest too. My legs are fine, I like my legs...Lol. I still haven't started yet.

You know what kind of TV I dislike, so here's some stuff I do like:

I'm loving - Eli Stone, Spooks and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (and it has nothing to do with Thomas Dekker...Lol).

I'm looking forward to (new series): Dr. Who, Torchwood and Skins (all new cast, but worth a look).

If you've read ALL of this long, boring, self pitying, depressing post then I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Whether I decide to continue blogging or not, I shall continue to follow my precious fifteen blogs (with or without commenting...Lol). Sadly, for me, you guys are my world even if you are keeping me awake longer at night...Lol.

No funny stuff today, and btw, I'll be 45 next week. Just another reason to be depressed *long sigh*

So long,


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Madonna wanted to have my Love Child!

I was going to post this some time in the future but Madonna rang me yesterday to see if she could come over on Thursday night for some drinks and eats. So, we'll probably drink far too much Gin/Vodka and we're going to have my favourite takeaway...KFC!

Whenever I see Madonna now, I always think of her request and whether or not I made the right choice.

First some stuff about me and my feelings etc:
Although I had a shitty childhood and my life is by no means a bed of roses even now, I actually have very few regrets.
One big regret however is not having children, and although I've come to terms with the fact that I never will, it's still something I think about and long for. Maybe when (and if) I find a stable and loving relationship with somebody my feelings about having children will change. I don't know!

I feel, as do my friends (gay and straight) and family, that I would make a wonderful Father.
Maybe it's because of how loving I am (Urgh!) or because I have an abundance of patience (Lol).
All I know is that I love children and can't think of anything more rewarding than raising a child. Lavishing your love, affection and attention on them, being loved by them. Nurturing, guiding, comforting, teaching and protecting them along with the numerous other responsibilities that come with being a parent, these are things I would happily do regardless of any sacrifice(s) I'd have to make.

Please take the time to listen to the following song, Blessed, by my favourite artiste Elton John.
Yeah it's mushy and it gets me all choked up, but it's a beautiful song and it may give you an idea of how I feel about having a child.

Btw, I have no idea what the actual video is all about, so just ignore it.

So, Madonna and I were in the pub one night after work, about two years ago or maybe less, and we were talking about her relationship with her bf (who I'll call BF...original eh?). When I asked her about the possibility of settling down with him, getting married, having children etc; she said something like: "I wouldn't want to have BF's child!"
Now, BF is a lazy, gambling loser who has hardly worked a day in life. He gets violent when he's been drinking and he hates me with a passion (Lol). He believes Madonna loves me more than she loves him! I think he's 30 or 31 years old and is still taking hand-outs from his mum and Madonna just so he can eat, due to gambling/drinking his money away.
He's always making excuses about not finding a job, but he's always promising that if Madonna marries him, or they have a child, or if he can get better accomodation etc; he'll get a job because then he'd have a reason to.

Anyway, the rest of the conversation (as best as I can remember it) went like this:

Me: so would you adopt then?
Madonna: No, I still want my own children.
Me: so what are you gonna do then?
Madonna: Can I ask you something?
Me: Yeah.
Madonna: How would you feel about you and me having a baby?
Me: (laughing) Yeah right! Whatever!
Madonna: No, I'm serious. You're everything that BF isn't, and I know it sounds corny but your the kind of Father I'd want by baby to have.
Me: You really are serious???
Madonna: Yes!! You're kind, thoughtful, loving, intelligent...
Me: (interrupting) And gay. Look Madonna, you know how I feel about not having kids but I don't think it's a good idea! How the hell could it ever work, especially with BF...can you imagine what it would be like?

I thought she'd drop the subject now, but she pushed on....

Madonna: Fuck BF!! You can't tell me you don't want a kid so don't try using the gay card or using BF as an excuse with me!
Me: Ok, but have you thought about how he (I always say he, just wishful thinking) would be raised. Being raised by you and me is great, but we'll never be in a "family" relationship so not a good start for the little guy. And then there's BF, I wouldn't want him raising my son regardless of whether you were there or not.
And, say something happened in the future like we fell out or something, would you stop me from seeing my son?
Madonna: Of course I wouldn't!
Me: it's easy to say now! Also, what about the age gap? What would his friends and their parents think about having such an old Father? How embarrassing would that be for him? Have you thought about that? How would his friends react when they discovered he had a gay Father?
Oh Madonna, I love you and thank you for the chance your offering but I really need to think about this...and so do you!
Madonna: Ok, but I want an answer...soon!
Me: I promise!

Well, after thinking long and hard, I didn't sleep a wink that night (normally I sleep well after a drink), I chose not to go ahead...for the reasons above.

So there you have it, now this subject really fascinates me so I would love for you to share your own thoughts, feelings, experiences on this subject matter with me.
Maybe you feel like I do and regret not having children, maybe you had children before you came out like my brother-in-law. Maybe you haven't got a paternal bone in your body...lol.
Have you or would you, in the future, consider surrogacy or adoption if you're young now?

Whatever it is, I would really like to know so please, please post your comments.

Just a bit of humour to finish off with:

9 Things that wind me up!

1. When people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote but they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.'
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look.'
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short.'
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

That's all folks!!


Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You're a Hero! ... Random Facts ... Humour.

Thanks for your opinions on my last post guys, I will be replying soon.

I'm posting the "You're a Hero!" part to say "If you're reading this Mirrorboy...this is for you!"

To everybody that's going through a hard time at the moment...BELIEVE IT!!

Now for some random facts:
I love singing - when I'm feeling really down I just stand in my kitchen with the radio or a cd blaring out, and sing at the top of my voice...fuck the neighbours!

I love peanuts but hate peanut butter.

My favourite drink is Tea...a true Brit...lol. I probably drink far too much for an insomniac.

I once placed a large plastic spider on my old gran's shoulder. When she turned her head a minute or so later she nearly hit the ceiling. Man, did I get beats for that...lol. But, she gave my dad a bollocking for beating me so it was worth it...Go Gran, Go Gran!!!

Some more reasons why you shouldn't take kids to the zoo:

Some cute animal pics...the second one worries me a little:

That's all for now.

Monday, November 10, 2008

A Moral Dillema - Opinions please!

Hi guys,

I need your help with something.
As you may know I am a shy person and I lack self-confidence. I've never had a boyfriend so I've no real grasp or understanding of what it means to be in a loving relationship, I can only imagine...lol.
I can't just start chatting somebody up and if somebody starts chatting to me I have no idea of what kind of things to say, so it feels really awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.

Since I came out I have had a number of people who have shown an interest in me, whether it's just for a shag or something more. Some of them I've liked alot, others not so much, but I wouldn't and couldn't sleep with somebody I've only just met...that's just NOT me!
I'm not a prude and I do not have a problem with other people doing it, but all I hear from gay friends is stuff like "You can't be gay!" or "But it's all part of the gay lifestyle!"

Sex for me is not unimportant, but it's not as important to me as friendship, love, affection and trust in a relationship. I'm very much a giver in most every aspect of my life and that includes sex. I get pleasure from giving pleasure and however corny it sounds...it's true.

However, if I'm ever going to have a long term relationship I must first gain at least some experience of sex, intimacy, sharing etc. I know I should enter into, given the chance and providing I like the guy, any relationship that presents itself. This can only help me with my confidence problem etc; no matter how short term that relationship is.

Now, I'm going to relate to you something that happened around 6 months ago when Marmite was visiting me:

We were in my local gay nightclub one night when a really cute blonde guy just came over to us and said to me "I love your shirt" and smiled at me.
So I just said "Oh, thanks, and I love your smile." (I know it was well cheesy, but it just sort of blurted out. He did have a beautiful smile though...lol.)
Anyway, we talked about the usual shite...I've seen you up here before, how long have you been coming here?, what we do for a living etc. and kind of run out of conversation.
He went back to his friends and Marmite and I carried on with the rest of our evening.

Just before we left I decided to take a pee because we'd probably have to wait ages for a cab.
As I washing my hands somebody came in to the cloakroom, I looked in the mirror and it was the cute guy, he was just leaning with his back against the wall and looking back at me in the mirror.
I asked him if he'd had a good night and if he had to get up for work tomorrow (I told you I was useless at this...lol.), and he just said "Yes, so are you gonna kiss me or what?"
Well it would've been rude not to, so I did. To be honest I just wanted to rip his clothes off and...

Anyway, whilst we were kissing Marmite came looking for me so we broke off. He asked for my mobile number, which I gave him, and he said he'd text me.
I didn't take my phone out with me because Marmite had his and we only needed to phone a cab.
It took us an hour and a half to get home (shitty cab service), but we could have walked it in twenty minutes...lol.
When I got home I switched on my phone and I'd had four texts from the guy already, I was well happy. I replied and told him I'd text him tomorrow about meeting up and then went to bed feeling like I was on top of the world.

I told Marmite the next morning and he was well happy for me and made me promise I'd see the guy.
This had been a MASSIVE ego boost for me. I hadn't felt this good in a long, long time.

Well, Marmite went home that afternoon and I did text the guy, but what I said was something like: "Thanks for last night, you're a really sweet, good looking guy and I really like you, but I think you're too young and I'm not comfortable with it."
He was only 22 years old, that's half my age!!
He replied saying that there shouldn't be an issue with our ages, we're both consenting adults etc.
But as usual, in the cold light of day, I let my morals get the better of me.

So, opinions please:

Should I lower my moral standards so I can gain the experience I need?

What do think about the age gap? Anybody young reading this may well be thinking "ffs, that's disgusting" or something like that. In that case, please give me two opinions: your gut reaction, and then try to think about how you might feel when you reach my age, and give an opinion on that.

I'd like as many opinions as possible please guys, so don't be shy.

I can take it on the chin, all I ask is that you keep your opinions respectful.

The next post will contain some humour as promised in my first post!!!

Get those opinions in!!


Sunday, November 9, 2008

An Intro to my family & friends.

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd give you a heads-up on some of the people you'll read about in future blogs.
Of course all names have been changed, and some are pretty corny, but they're apt...Lol.


Mum - She's getting old now and suffers from all manner of things. She's on all kinds of medication for her aches and pains and she has Diabetes too...injects herself (not sure what that type is), and it runs in her family. Luckily she's the only one in my family so far but I guess the rest of have a risk of it in the future.
Anyway, when my parents split up (I was 15) she went through a really tough time. Her bf already had 3 kids of his own living with him and there wouldn't be room for another five, so, she fought for custody of Dick and Harry only. I understood the reason for this but her guilt over that decision and the shit she was getting from my dad sent her into a bad depression.
My dad was determined to not let my mum have any of us, this was not out of love for us but simply because he wanted to punish her...it was all about HIM!
He threatened us all that if we ever attempted to speak to her or visit her he would kill us.
When we were individually interviewed by social services (or something) he threatened us that he would kill us if we didn't say we wanted to live with him.
Anyway, we did as ordered regardless of what we really wanted to do and it was decided by the powers that be that my mum was an unfit mother and sole custody be given to my dad.
This decision sent her over the edge and she ended up on all kinds of medication, some of it made her hallucinate and she would stay in bed for days on end, not even knowing where she was. She'd talk to herself or an imaginary somebody and try to leave the house in just her sleepwear.
She was a mess, and it was all down to my wonderful dad!!

Dad - What can I say?
There's a lot more about him in future blogs....stay tuned lol.

Midge - Sis (2 years older)
Reason for name: she's even shorter than me...lol! Didn't think that was possible.
She re-married but just has the two kids from her marriage to Wanker. She has never been maternal and has more time for her kids now they're grown up than she did when they really needed her (Bad mum!). I get along with her current husband even though he's anti gay. He makes the effort to chat etc, but you can so see he's uncomfortable. I don't care because I rarely see either of them anyway.

Wanker - Ex brother-in-law: Violent, alcoholic gay (yes GAY! He came out before I did) Irishman who badly mistreated his wife and kids, especially his kids, and sexually abused me and Tom, possibly others...I don't know.

Tom - Bro (11 months younger...yeah 11 months...a mistake I wonder? lol)
No reason for name...lol.
You'll read a lot about Tom so I'll save it for the posts...lol.

Dick - Bro (6 years younger)
No reason for name.
Not much to tell.

Harry - Bro (8 years younger)
Ditto Dick.

Bitch - Half Sis (20 years younger, I think)
Reason for name: Do I need to spell it out...lol.
Not much to tell except everything she does winds me up. She pretends to be somebody she's not...a caring, loving sister. She's just a two-faced backstabber. She's always calling me "hon" and "babe" even though I've asked her not to...Aaaaargh!!! I hate being called things like that. I have a name goddamnit!


Marmite - Currently been best friends for about 10 years.
Reason for name: People either love him or hate him...there just doesn't appear to be an in-between thing with him!
He is gay and came out when he was 18. His dad chucked him out so he moved in with his bf. His bf was also his 40 year old boss.
He's now 32 and loves doing Drag (he's actually a really classy looking Drag Queen) and Karaoke. He's always been into the gay scene, will have sex with anything that has a pulse and doesn't give a shit what people think of him.
I think he's a very, very funny guy and we just clicked as soon as we met. When we see each other we spend most of our time literally crying with laughter. It's fantastic!
He lives hundreds of miles away so we don't get to see each other often. We always holiday together though and he's supposed to be going to live abroad with me (that's the plan, but I'm not sure he will save any money).
The thing is...apart from having a great time with him, he is the opposite of me. He's confident and outgoing, he's a slag, he thinks only of himself, he loves the scene, he prefers busy bars/clubs.
There has never been any sexual attraction or contact between us and he has betrayed my trust and friendship in a huge way (future post).

Melon - Marmite's ex bf and the first person I came out to (though I said I was bi).
Reason for name: We used to joke that it looked like he had a Pineapple in his pants...BIG boy!...not that I ever saw it but it was obvious, plus Marmite used to be a size queen.
Anyway, I'm too lazy to keep typing Pineapple...so Melon it is!
Sadly we don't see each other anymore.

Madonna - A good friend. She's straight and been seeing the same guy, on and off, since she wa 16. She's now 25. He's a total waster who doesn't deserve her and for some weird reason he's totally jealous of our relationship. The last time I met him, July this year, he raged about (and I quote): "she loves you more than she does me. Looks like you've won again!!" Then he stormed out. I didn't know I was competeing in any competition, we just get on really well and anyway...I AM GAY!! so what's his fucking problem?
Mind you, she did ask me if we could have a baby (seriously), but that'll be in a future post.

I keep saying about "future posts" but I may end up just quitting this, so don't hold your breath...yeah, like you were anyway lol.

There are other friends from my school days and work who will just be mentioned when the need arises.

I hope this has helped you to gain an insight into my life, or parts of it at least, so if I do post in the future you'll have an idea about the people included in them.

If you've read this...thanks!

If you have any questions about this post or me, or indeed anything else, then please ask.

All comments welcomed guys!

God bless,