Hi guys,
I need your help with something.
As you may know I am a shy person and I lack self-confidence. I've never had a boyfriend so I've no real grasp or understanding of what it means to be in a loving relationship, I can only imagine...lol.
I can't just start chatting somebody up and if somebody starts chatting to me I have no idea of what kind of things to say, so it feels really awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.
Since I came out I have had a number of people who have shown an interest in me, whether it's just for a shag or something more. Some of them I've liked alot, others not so much, but I wouldn't and couldn't sleep with somebody I've only just met...that's just NOT me!
I'm not a prude and I do not have a problem with other people doing it, but all I hear from gay friends is stuff like "You can't be gay!" or "But it's all part of the gay lifestyle!"
Sex for me is not unimportant, but it's not as important to me as friendship, love, affection and trust in a relationship. I'm very much a giver in most every aspect of my life and that includes sex. I get pleasure from giving pleasure and however corny it sounds...it's true.
However, if I'm ever going to have a long term relationship I must first gain at least some experience of sex, intimacy, sharing etc. I know I should enter into, given the chance and providing I like the guy, any relationship that presents itself. This can only help me with my confidence problem etc; no matter how short term that relationship is.
Now, I'm going to relate to you something that happened around 6 months ago when Marmite was visiting me:
We were in my local gay nightclub one night when a really cute blonde guy just came over to us and said to me "I love your shirt" and smiled at me.
So I just said "Oh, thanks, and I love your smile." (I know it was well cheesy, but it just sort of blurted out. He did have a beautiful smile though...lol.)
Anyway, we talked about the usual shite...I've seen you up here before, how long have you been coming here?, what we do for a living etc. and kind of run out of conversation.
He went back to his friends and Marmite and I carried on with the rest of our evening.
Just before we left I decided to take a pee because we'd probably have to wait ages for a cab.
As I washing my hands somebody came in to the cloakroom, I looked in the mirror and it was the cute guy, he was just leaning with his back against the wall and looking back at me in the mirror.
I asked him if he'd had a good night and if he had to get up for work tomorrow (I told you I was useless at this...lol.), and he just said "Yes, so are you gonna kiss me or what?"
Well it would've been rude not to, so I did. To be honest I just wanted to rip his clothes off and...
Anyway, whilst we were kissing Marmite came looking for me so we broke off. He asked for my mobile number, which I gave him, and he said he'd text me.
I didn't take my phone out with me because Marmite had his and we only needed to phone a cab.
It took us an hour and a half to get home (shitty cab service), but we could have walked it in twenty minutes...lol.
When I got home I switched on my phone and I'd had four texts from the guy already, I was well happy. I replied and told him I'd text him tomorrow about meeting up and then went to bed feeling like I was on top of the world.
I told Marmite the next morning and he was well happy for me and made me promise I'd see the guy.
This had been a MASSIVE ego boost for me. I hadn't felt this good in a long, long time.
Well, Marmite went home that afternoon and I did text the guy, but what I said was something like: "Thanks for last night, you're a really sweet, good looking guy and I really like you, but I think you're too young and I'm not comfortable with it."
He was only 22 years old, that's half my age!!
He replied saying that there shouldn't be an issue with our ages, we're both consenting adults etc.
But as usual, in the cold light of day, I let my morals get the better of me.
So, opinions please:
Should I lower my moral standards so I can gain the experience I need?
What do think about the age gap? Anybody young reading this may well be thinking "ffs, that's disgusting" or something like that. In that case, please give me two opinions: your gut reaction, and then try to think about how you might feel when you reach my age, and give an opinion on that.
I'd like as many opinions as possible please guys, so don't be shy.
I can take it on the chin, all I ask is that you keep your opinions respectful.
The next post will contain some humour as promised in my first post!!!
Get those opinions in!!
Thanks,
Col
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Gambar Denah Rumah Jawa Kuno Contoh Z
5 years ago
Okay, so here's my opinion:
ReplyDelete1) The idea that shagging on a first date (or, before the first date in this case) is normal, is bullshit. It is no more the "gay lifestyle" than one-night stands are the "straight lifestyle." It's just a visible minority of people who don't seem to be able/want to have a real relationship. I have never shagged on a first date. I like it that way.
2) I think shagging someone to get experience is not only silly, but potentially dangerous (STDs, dangerous people you don't know, etc.). I have heard true horror stories of rape, etc. from people who have shagged people they didn't know.
If you find someone you like, and you really hit off, it won't matter one bit how sexually experienced you are when you finally have sex.
When you say that "I'm a giver," that might be fine, or it might be hiding a self-esteem issue that you might need to work on.
3) Re: age gap.... I believe that this is more about psychological age than physical age. If you are psychologically younger, you might not attract people your physical age. You might instead attract people that fit your psychological age (for better or worse). The same goes the other way--the person you are potentially dating might be psychologically older than their physical appearance.
I do think that people who date with vastly different psychological ages potentially create an unhealthy power&control relationship.
4) I hate small talk. But I am genuinely interested in people. So I have intentionally developed the art of asking questions. If their answers lead me to telling something about myself, great, if not, I just ask more questions. I usually have a great time asking what they do for fun/hobbies/talents. Either they do something that I do, and so I have lots to share, or they do something I've never done, and I can ask lots of questions about it.
If I keep asking questions and the person gives one-word answers all the time, killing the conversation, (which has happened to me), then I know that this probably isn't the person for me.
Aron
Aron is absolutely right! But being single for 9yrs. myself i am realy not one to give advice. I do not fit the "gay Lifestyle" as it were. On the other hand i have had my one true love. He died in '91 in a car accident.You could join a group for gay singles.Or you could do as i have done and find gay e-mail friends. there are many sites for this.That way you can send photos and Instant message and ask particular questions.If you meet face to face just make sure it is in a VERY public place. I hope this helps some.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, (see dpstam) aron has beat me to it. If you've ever looked at my blog you'll know that I'd never advocate lowering one's moral standards. If anything, I'd tell people to raise them. ;) So I totally agree with him on his points 1 and 2.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to age gap, I think he makes a good point I hadn't thought about as far as power and control. Beyond that I'll say that at age 65, I still find young people attractive, and I could fantasize about a relationship of the Platonic sort, which is what I want, with a 22 year old. But I also think that someone older might prove to be more compatible once I got to know him.
I guess, putting it all together, I'd say, first, hold off on the sex until you know you're compatible in the other areas of a personal relationship, and second, don't dismiss a 22 year old out of hand, but realize that there could well be a difference i outlook (generation gap) which makes a true relationship at the personal level difficult.
lost my previous comment. soz if this is a duplicate.
ReplyDeletedance floor, betta place to meet than bar. no need to talk. dancing and touching, good way to communicate.
age doesn't matter. have fun and don't be self-conscious.
sex on first date - go with whatever you're in the mood for. doesn't mean that you should do it all the time, but you shouldn't exclude it either if you feel like it.
razz
p.s. answer to your question is yes.
if you dont want him, you can pass him over, ahahaha, but no , it all about what you feel is right and sometimes you have to say fuck it,
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to help me on this guys, and I'm sorry for not replying sooner.
ReplyDelete@ Aron:
1) I'm with you on that one!
2) Again, I agree with you. Maybe you misunderstood me or my wording was not right, but I didn't mean sex with one-night-stands just to gain experience.
Self esteem issues?? Maybe you could expand on that!
3) Great point. I certainly do not feel like a 44 (45 this month) year old. I can see the danger in that kind of relationship.
4) That's a confidence issue with me. I really need to work on that...lol.
Thanks for your advice. I'd read your comments on Dechatta! previously and said to Adam what a great guy you seem to be. You don't hold back...lol. I like your style.
@ Musicbuff: Many thanks for your comment. I'm sorry to hear of your loss and I hope you find love again. As for not being one to give advise I say "thanks for your." Great ideas, and they would help me towards overcoming my shyness etc. Thanks again.
@ naturgesetz: Wise words as usual. Many thanks. I will check out your blog, but please tell me what "dpstam" is.
@ Razz: Thanks Razz, If only I could dance *sigh*
You're right about the self-concsious part, I would be thinking that people thought I was a perv being with a much younger guy.
Did you find the song title?
@ JC: I would if I could...lol. Yeah, that's the problem though...what I feel is the right thing to do is often the cause of my unhappiness. Thanks for your comment!
Thanks again guys, I appreciate the time, effort and thought that you give.
Col
Not going to read everyone elses comment, so excuse me if this is a duplicate, but want to avoid 'cloning' and even if it is the same as someone elses, it will give you more statistical reliability ha ha ha!
ReplyDeleteAge is not important, apart from legality. It is whether or not both parties are mutually attracted (at first) and give mutual satisfaction (later) - as for satisfaction, that can be anything - do you both shag like rabbits? or do you share the same taste in vintage cutlery (or whatever) or do you have money which he can spend? If this sounds crass, excuse me, but it seems to have worked for me.
As for 22 y/o blond guy with a winning smile - what I would do for one of those around here!
Your mileage may vary, as our American cousins say! Keep blogging m8 =]
Gurney
@ Gurney: It's not crass at all. In fact I thought your comment was very witty and positive. It sounds like you're speaking from experience.
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot.
Col