Did You Know...

...that we "gays" sexually abuse ourselves?

Not only that, but we are self-hating and self-destructive too! This is according to fellow blogger 'The Chaeronean'.

Here is an excerpt from his recent post:

I read a post by "Col" from Essex about being sexually abused.
In many ways all homosexual men are in a similar position to him, hiding from themselves and their sexuality because they cannot face up to what has happened to them.

And who has sexually abused them?

Answer: They have sexually abused themselves.

Apparently, this guy knows more about how I feel than I do... simply amazing!!

I'm neither hiding from myself, or my sexuality. Also, I faced up to what happened to me a long, long time ago. I published the experience, along with some advice, in the hope of helping somebody else, anybody else, that may have undergone a similar experience of "self-abuse"... as he calls it!

As for self-hating, self-loathing and self-destructive, well...It's just a load of BOLLOCKS!


Please read the post here and let me know what you think of the conclusion he has reached.


Take care,

Col

Edit - Poll about "Sex With My Buddies" posts

Hi guys,

Sorry if you already voted (x2 Twenties, x1 Stop them, x2 Cont. with details), but I added another option...please either re-vote if you wish to remain anonymous, or comment that you had already voted (leave details).

Many thanks,
Col

This is my first poll and it's not what I envisaged my first one would be about, but it is (to me at least) necessary if I'm to/not to continue with the "Sex With My Buddies" posts.

Of course I want to attract new readers, who doesn't, but I don't want to do that at the expense of losing my regular readers.

One of the readers commented that my post was too explicit for them so they did not finish reading it. I thank him for his honesty, and, for telling me so too. I respect everybody's opinion so I read the post again, and I thought...actually, did I really need to go into so much detail? Surely, just saying that we sucked each other off in some bushes would have been adequate!
It would've been a shorter post, that's for sure lol.

Then I thought...well maybe it wasn't too graphic really, because I was trying to put across my first sexual experience with another person. We were twelve years old and experimenting with sex for the first time in our lives. I was trying to show our inexperience in the things I wrote, but it was a truthful account of what happened and what I was thinking...as I remember it, nothing more. Peter and I fumbled our way through that evening, and a few more too until we'd gained some knowledge of each others likes and dislikes, desires etc.

So, as I don't know whether to carry on with these posts or not, I've decided to leave it up to my readers to decide the outcome, by way of a poll...see sidebar (2 Polls).

Do I stop?
Do I continue...with graphic descriptions?
Do I continue...without graphic descriptions?
Do I continue...in my own sweet way?

I'd also like to know the age of voters too, so please vote on both polls. Of course you can always vote and comment.

Thanks to all those who left comments on the last post, and as always I have left my comment to each of you.


Lines are now open so please...

get VOTING and COMMENTING now!

I hope you've had a great weekend...and finished all your shopping lol.

Take care,
Col

...Sex With My Buddies - Peter

Post 2 of 2 for Friday 19th December

First, let me just say that the "sex buddies" I'll be writing about were actually my best friends at the time. We went to school together, and hung out after school together. We played and we partied, and we "enjoyed" each others company. One of them is still a great friend today.

Going up to senior school was frightening for me, especially after hearing all about the alleged initiation ceremonies that we were going to be put through lol, and the thought of having to make new friends was scarier than anything else.

As you know by now, I was (and still am) extremely shy so my first three or four weeks there were quite traumatic, I just kept to myself all the time; in form class, lessons, every break time...I was so lonely and when I got home, and actually found some privacy, I would cry. I remember saying to myself a lot; "I wish I was dead, I hate it!"
I knew I couldn't talk to my parents so I suffered in silence and wondered if any of the other kids were feeling the same, or was it just me?

Peter...

...was completely the opposite of me; he was very outgoing and confident and within a couple of weeks he was one of the most popular kids in class. Why he chose me as a friend I'll never know, maybe he felt sorry for me lol.

He wasn't particularly cute, not to me anyway, he had this really unruly mop of dark, curly, wiry hair which I later discovered was a feature he shared with his beloved dogs lol.
He did have a cute and cheeky smile though. His nose was a little pointed and his eyes were hazel. He was considerably taller than me, but then it would be difficult not to be. His body was nice, very slim but not skinny. He wasn't from the area either so he had a 'country yokel' accent which was actually quite nice.

As for me, I was obviously shorter than him but I was the same kind of build. I had blonde hair and blue eyes.

About ten or eleven weeks into the term Peter and I were playing in a park after school, it wasn't the best park around but it was quieter than the others, it was November so it was cold too. We'd just finished doing something, I can't remember what exactly, when he just asks me "Col, can I suck your knob?"...lol yeah "knob", that was the 'In' word way back then.
Well, I was like speechless (for about two seconds lol) and then I asked him "Can I suck yours after?" He just gave me his best cheeky grin and said "Yeah! If you want to."

So, we found a private(ish) place in between some shrubs, against a tall wooden fence. The trouble was; whoever was blowing wouldn't be seen because they'd be squatting down, but, whoever was being blown would be seen...from the waist up anyway. So it was really scary but all the more exciting for that lol. It's a good job the park was virtually deserted by now, and it was dark too (luckily).

I let Peter unzip my fly, unbutton my jeans and pull down my pants. I was crapping myself now and I was still soft, I guess it was nerves or something, and it didn't help that it was cold either...if you get my meaning. I developed early so I wasn't ashamed of my penis size, and I had a nice little bush of soft pubes too.

Anyway, he suddenly asked "Are you ready?" and I couldn't help it...I just burst out laughing (those damned nerves again). That made him laugh too and he had to wait for a bit to re-compose himself.
All of a sudden I felt the warmth of his mouth enclose my penis and I sighed with pleasure. I was hard almost instantaneously. It felt good so good, especially as my butt and balls were freezing by now lol. Then he started working his mouth up and down it, gently at first, although softly would be a better description because his lips were hardly touching me.

I asked him to suck it harder and I guess he knew what I meant because his lips tightened over my penis. Now as his head was going back and forth my foreskin was too.
I'd never felt any sensation like this, ever! Sure I'd been wanking for ages, but there was no comparison between these two completely different sensations.
After about a minute I told Peter to stop, it was his turn now.

We reversed positions and I was really dreading it, I loved it being done to me but what if I didn't like doing it to him? What if he didn't like me doing it to him? There was only one way to find out! After unzipping him and pulling down his pants, just to below his balls, I took his knob in my mouth. He was soft at the time too, but as soon as I started on him it began to harden straight away. From what I could see in the dark, he had a lovely cock and a nice bush. He was uncut too and had a nice scrotum. I didn't know it at the time, but I would see his entire body "up close and personal", and do stuff with him in the days, weeks and months to come that would confirm to me that I was gay.

Seeing as I liked it with his lips gripping firmer that's what I did to him from the start. It sounded like he enjoyed it as much as I did lol, and he put his hand to the back of my head and gently kept pushing it whenever my head went forward on his penis. He stopped me after about a minute too and pulled up his trousers.

We spoke about what had happened, how we felt, we said to each other that we weren't queer, and we agreed we were going to do it again tomorrow...only this time it would be somewhere less public.

I was worried when I got to school the next day in case it had changed our friendship, but Peter was fine. At lunch time I asked him if he'd changed his mind or if we were still going to suck each other off tonight. He grinned that cheeky grin and just said "Oh yeah! Definitely!", and we laughed. I came to love that cheeky little grin of his lol.

We actually did a lot of stuff (except anal) after that, in all kinds of places too, but if you want to hear more about Peter and I, and my other schoolboy "sex buddies" you'll have to stay tuned.

This blog is not going to turn into a pornographic story blog, not at all, but the relationships with four of my best friends were a huge part of my life between the ages of twelve and sixteen.

So, if you don't want to read anymore about that stuff then please don't read and posts entitled "Sex With My Buddies"

I even got myself trapped into having "straight" sex, and if I hadn't already known I was gay...that would've convinced me lol! More about in the future, it starts of with two guys and one girl but...

To those of you that do want to hear more;

Please be so kind as to comment.

I hope you enjoyed the post!

Take care,
Col

I knew I was gay from the age of...

...Twelve!

I'd done all the usual stuff with girls that young boys do by that age, you know the stuff...kiss chase, you show me yours and I'll show you mine etc...
...but I always enjoyed that kind of thing with the boys more than I did with the girls (never played kiss chase with the boys though, damn it!! lol)

Most of my friends then were my neighbours and the majority of them were around the same age so there was a lot of "comparing" that went on, and a lot of wishing and questioning too lol..."Wow, I wish mine was that big!" or "Will mine be that big when I'm 9/10 (or whatever)?"

Comparisons were made between soft and hard, but it was difficult to stay soft long enough to make a comparison sometimes :)

The best thing was when we all went swimming as a group, man I loved those times, no cubicles back then...just one huge communal changing room. I loved seeing all those naked boys running around trying to flick each other with their towels, or, just discreetly looking at a particularly good looking boy while he dried himself off.
I didn't actually like swimming and I still don't, in fact I'm a very poor swimmer still today. But, it was all about the boys for me...nothing else!
I was never really confused about how I felt but I knew it wasn't normal, and like many others I had nobody to talk too and no Internet in those days anyway, so I accepted my feelings very early in life.
I have certainly never felt any guilt or shame with regard to being gay so I guess that maybe I've had it pretty easy compared to some people.
"So why didn't you 'come out' when you were younger?" you may be asking...that will be answered in a future post so stay tuned to this blog lol.

So, I knew I was definitely gay at the age of twelve because that's when I had my first gay sexual experience/relationship and I knew there and then that my feelings for boys were true...stay tuned for that too!

Seeing as this has been about age I thought I'd share the following joke/story with you. It's about being much older but it made me laugh, and I hope it makes you laugh too...

...Do I look that old?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking; 'Surely I can't look that old?'
Well, my name is Jake Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some forty-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then, I wondered?

Upon seeing him however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate!

After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Mustang!' he gleamed with pride.
'When did you graduate?' I asked.
'In 1965. Why do you ask?' was his reply.
'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald-headed, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked; 'What did you teach?'

Until next time then!

Take care,
Col

Madonna wanted to have my Love Child!

I was going to post this some time in the future but Madonna rang me yesterday to see if she could come over on Thursday night for some drinks and eats. So, we'll probably drink far too much Gin/Vodka and we're going to have my favourite takeaway...KFC!

Whenever I see Madonna now, I always think of her request and whether or not I made the right choice.

First some stuff about me and my feelings etc:
Although I had a shitty childhood and my life is by no means a bed of roses even now, I actually have very few regrets.
One big regret however is not having children, and although I've come to terms with the fact that I never will, it's still something I think about and long for. Maybe when (and if) I find a stable and loving relationship with somebody my feelings about having children will change. I don't know!

I feel, as do my friends (gay and straight) and family, that I would make a wonderful Father.
Maybe it's because of how loving I am (Urgh!) or because I have an abundance of patience (Lol).
All I know is that I love children and can't think of anything more rewarding than raising a child. Lavishing your love, affection and attention on them, being loved by them. Nurturing, guiding, comforting, teaching and protecting them along with the numerous other responsibilities that come with being a parent, these are things I would happily do regardless of any sacrifice(s) I'd have to make.

Please take the time to listen to the following song, Blessed, by my favourite artiste Elton John.
Yeah it's mushy and it gets me all choked up, but it's a beautiful song and it may give you an idea of how I feel about having a child.


Btw, I have no idea what the actual video is all about, so just ignore it.




So, Madonna and I were in the pub one night after work, about two years ago or maybe less, and we were talking about her relationship with her bf (who I'll call BF...original eh?). When I asked her about the possibility of settling down with him, getting married, having children etc; she said something like: "I wouldn't want to have BF's child!"
Now, BF is a lazy, gambling loser who has hardly worked a day in life. He gets violent when he's been drinking and he hates me with a passion (Lol). He believes Madonna loves me more than she loves him! I think he's 30 or 31 years old and is still taking hand-outs from his mum and Madonna just so he can eat, due to gambling/drinking his money away.
He's always making excuses about not finding a job, but he's always promising that if Madonna marries him, or they have a child, or if he can get better accomodation etc; he'll get a job because then he'd have a reason to.

Anyway, the rest of the conversation (as best as I can remember it) went like this:

Me: so would you adopt then?
Madonna: No, I still want my own children.
Me: so what are you gonna do then?
Madonna: Can I ask you something?
Me: Yeah.
Madonna: How would you feel about you and me having a baby?
Me: (laughing) Yeah right! Whatever!
Madonna: No, I'm serious. You're everything that BF isn't, and I know it sounds corny but your the kind of Father I'd want by baby to have.
Me: You really are serious???
Madonna: Yes!! You're kind, thoughtful, loving, intelligent...
Me: (interrupting) And gay. Look Madonna, you know how I feel about not having kids but I don't think it's a good idea! How the hell could it ever work, especially with BF...can you imagine what it would be like?

I thought she'd drop the subject now, but she pushed on....

Madonna: Fuck BF!! You can't tell me you don't want a kid so don't try using the gay card or using BF as an excuse with me!
Me: Ok, but have you thought about how he (I always say he, just wishful thinking) would be raised. Being raised by you and me is great, but we'll never be in a "family" relationship so not a good start for the little guy. And then there's BF, I wouldn't want him raising my son regardless of whether you were there or not.
And, say something happened in the future like we fell out or something, would you stop me from seeing my son?
Madonna: Of course I wouldn't!
Me: it's easy to say now! Also, what about the age gap? What would his friends and their parents think about having such an old Father? How embarrassing would that be for him? Have you thought about that? How would his friends react when they discovered he had a gay Father?
Oh Madonna, I love you and thank you for the chance your offering but I really need to think about this...and so do you!
Madonna: Ok, but I want an answer...soon!
Me: I promise!

Well, after thinking long and hard, I didn't sleep a wink that night (normally I sleep well after a drink), I chose not to go ahead...for the reasons above.

So there you have it, now this subject really fascinates me so I would love for you to share your own thoughts, feelings, experiences on this subject matter with me.
Maybe you feel like I do and regret not having children, maybe you had children before you came out like my brother-in-law. Maybe you haven't got a paternal bone in your body...lol.
Have you or would you, in the future, consider surrogacy or adoption if you're young now?

Whatever it is, I would really like to know so please, please post your comments.


Just a bit of humour to finish off with:

9 Things that wind me up!

1. When people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote but they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.'
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look.'
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short.'
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

That's all folks!!

Col

A Moral Dillema - Opinions please!

Hi guys,

I need your help with something.
As you may know I am a shy person and I lack self-confidence. I've never had a boyfriend so I've no real grasp or understanding of what it means to be in a loving relationship, I can only imagine...lol.
I can't just start chatting somebody up and if somebody starts chatting to me I have no idea of what kind of things to say, so it feels really awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.

Since I came out I have had a number of people who have shown an interest in me, whether it's just for a shag or something more. Some of them I've liked alot, others not so much, but I wouldn't and couldn't sleep with somebody I've only just met...that's just NOT me!
I'm not a prude and I do not have a problem with other people doing it, but all I hear from gay friends is stuff like "You can't be gay!" or "But it's all part of the gay lifestyle!"

Sex for me is not unimportant, but it's not as important to me as friendship, love, affection and trust in a relationship. I'm very much a giver in most every aspect of my life and that includes sex. I get pleasure from giving pleasure and however corny it sounds...it's true.

However, if I'm ever going to have a long term relationship I must first gain at least some experience of sex, intimacy, sharing etc. I know I should enter into, given the chance and providing I like the guy, any relationship that presents itself. This can only help me with my confidence problem etc; no matter how short term that relationship is.

Now, I'm going to relate to you something that happened around 6 months ago when Marmite was visiting me:

We were in my local gay nightclub one night when a really cute blonde guy just came over to us and said to me "I love your shirt" and smiled at me.
So I just said "Oh, thanks, and I love your smile." (I know it was well cheesy, but it just sort of blurted out. He did have a beautiful smile though...lol.)
Anyway, we talked about the usual shite...I've seen you up here before, how long have you been coming here?, what we do for a living etc. and kind of run out of conversation.
He went back to his friends and Marmite and I carried on with the rest of our evening.

Just before we left I decided to take a pee because we'd probably have to wait ages for a cab.
As I washing my hands somebody came in to the cloakroom, I looked in the mirror and it was the cute guy, he was just leaning with his back against the wall and looking back at me in the mirror.
I asked him if he'd had a good night and if he had to get up for work tomorrow (I told you I was useless at this...lol.), and he just said "Yes, so are you gonna kiss me or what?"
Well it would've been rude not to, so I did. To be honest I just wanted to rip his clothes off and...

Anyway, whilst we were kissing Marmite came looking for me so we broke off. He asked for my mobile number, which I gave him, and he said he'd text me.
I didn't take my phone out with me because Marmite had his and we only needed to phone a cab.
It took us an hour and a half to get home (shitty cab service), but we could have walked it in twenty minutes...lol.
When I got home I switched on my phone and I'd had four texts from the guy already, I was well happy. I replied and told him I'd text him tomorrow about meeting up and then went to bed feeling like I was on top of the world.

I told Marmite the next morning and he was well happy for me and made me promise I'd see the guy.
This had been a MASSIVE ego boost for me. I hadn't felt this good in a long, long time.

Well, Marmite went home that afternoon and I did text the guy, but what I said was something like: "Thanks for last night, you're a really sweet, good looking guy and I really like you, but I think you're too young and I'm not comfortable with it."
He was only 22 years old, that's half my age!!
He replied saying that there shouldn't be an issue with our ages, we're both consenting adults etc.
But as usual, in the cold light of day, I let my morals get the better of me.

So, opinions please:

Should I lower my moral standards so I can gain the experience I need?

What do think about the age gap? Anybody young reading this may well be thinking "ffs, that's disgusting" or something like that. In that case, please give me two opinions: your gut reaction, and then try to think about how you might feel when you reach my age, and give an opinion on that.

I'd like as many opinions as possible please guys, so don't be shy.

I can take it on the chin, all I ask is that you keep your opinions respectful.


The next post will contain some humour as promised in my first post!!!

Get those opinions in!!

Thanks,
Col