A little bit o' this and a little bit o' that...

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your responses to my interview request. So far I have five gay guys and only one bisexual guy. They are from the UK (one of whom now lives in New Zealand), the US and Australia. I'm still looking for people in the following age ranges: Twenties, Thirties, Fifties and Sixty+ if anybody else feels brave enough to volunteer. Of course, you can still volunteer if you're not in the above age ranges because your thoughts, feelings and experiences are undoubtedly different to anybody else anyway.

So, in other news... I had my volunteering induction on Monday afternoon and I actually started "properly" today. I was well excited lol (pretty sad eh?), it was nice just to dress up again and have a reason to leave the confines of these four walls.

It took so long to receive my references that Christmas was upon us by then and I had to wait until the new year to get started.

Still no luck with finding a real job at the moment, but I'm always hopeful and I'm staying positive about it.

Now, I'm not what you might call a spontaneous person (unless I've had a few drinks or I'm on holiday lol), and I generally don't make rash decisions, but last year I was watching TV one evening and I suddenly just thought to myself "fuck it!, I'm sick of this shit" and I chose there and then to make a huge change in my life. A choice that will leave me with absolutely nothing at all if my plans turn to shit. The first part of my plan has already been implemented and I'll post some more about it soon.

I haven't posted any random facts for ages, so here's a few unhealthy ones...

I developed Asthma when I was 8 years old.

I stopped suffering with Asthma when I was 13 years old.

I've smoked since I was 12 years old.

I had a severe allergic reaction (never found out what to) when I was 13 and my entire body (yes, even there) was covered in tiny scabs (mmm... scabs). The worst thing was that my mum insisted on me dropping my underwear to all and sundry so her friends and the neighbours could see it. Hellooooo... the scabs on my face, arms, stomach etc. were the same as the ones on my cock and balls. Was there really any need for me to show my genitalia?? NO!
It was so fucking embarrassing, I'm just glad I didn't fancy any of the guys that took a look... that may have been even more embarrassing (wink wink) lol!

That's it really, apart from having some really bad panic/anxiety attacks which I thought were heart attacks because they were so intense and frightening. (This one's more like a fucking story than a fact... feel free to skip it lol!)
Seriously, I could be watching TV, reading or in bed and it would just happen. My heart rate would go crazy, I couldn't breathe, one of my arms would go numb etc.

Now, I'm am so not a drama queen but the first few times it happened I kept thinking "omg, I'm gonna die and nobody 'll know. I'll just rot here!"

It really bought home to me how lonely I am and how empty my life is without someone to share it with.

I eventually went to see a doctor who sent me for a zillion different tests. I was covered by BUPA at the time through my work so I thought "oooh, let's go private... may as well take advantage of it lol", but they took so long because they kept re-scheduling my appointments that I chose to go with the NHS instead. I have to say that they were fantastic, and so quick too.

So, on top of all that stress the results of my chest x-ray showed a shadow on my lung. I was remarkably calm about it, because basically I've always believed that I'm going to die from cancer before I reach sixty anyway... it runs in the family!

Anyway, I had a second x-ray and the shadow had moved. After seeking a second opinion on both x-rays, the specialist concluded that the shadow was actually a piece of fat that was travelling through my diaphragm or something. Wtf? Never heard of that one before. Lol.

Since leaving my job I've not had one attack *crosses fingers and touches wood* (oops! maybe I should re-phrase that).


Take care y'all,

Col
p.s. Do you prefer my new or old profile picture?

Volunteering update.

Hi guys,

I just received a phone call from the volunteer lady to say that she's still waiting to hear from her colleague at the GBLT drop-in cafe. As everybody only works part-time it can sometimes be quite a long wait.

However, she also went on to say that she was going to be cheeky and ask me if I would be interested in being her own support assistant, on a volunteer basis of course. Apparently after our two telephone conversations last week she got the impression that I was a confident person (probably because I wouldn't give up lol) and she felt that I would be suited to the position.

As I said in my introduction to blogging, I am very confident in work situations...face to face and telephone...just not in social situations.
So, I am meeting with her tomorrow morning to discuss things and learn about the role. This doesn't mean I'm giving up on volunteering with a GBLT group, in fact, she said that if I was working there I could look for those openings myself lol.

Looking forward to it and I'll update as and when.

Now, what am I going to wear?? It will probably take me an hour to decide lol!!


Take care,
Col

Volunteering.

Hi guys,

After my rant on Wednesday (for which I apologise, I was just feeling really down at the time), I had a comment from Aron which basically said: Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your arse and go volunteer. Do something useful instead of moping around all day.

Musicbuff agreed with him...thanks guys!!!

So, on Monday I had already began searching on the internet for local GBLT organisations that I could volunteer with, but to no avail. There was nothing in my area and because of my limited budget I couldn't afford to travel. I was pissed off to say the least, and I think it actually contributed to my foul mood for the next couple of days.

After reading my comments on Wednesday however, I got up on Thursday and thought "Fuck this shit!! I'm not giving up. I want to, and need to, do this!!"
I was in a much better mood than the previous day because I was really looking forward to sorting this out.
So I phoned one of the organisations (non GBLT) in my area and told them I wanted to volunteer. The guy said he'd see what was available. Whilst he was looking at his monitor(?) he asked my age. I told him and then he said "Oh right, we'll we can cross that one off then, and that one, and that one too!! Sorry I don't have anything." Then there was silence. I couldn't believe it, apparently they're crying out for volunteers but they don't have anything, or anything for somebody my age at least!
I didn't let it go and asked if he could give me the names and numbers of any other local organisations. This he did.

I checked out the organisations and decided to contact one that covered the entire district, not just my area.
I spoke to a lady and gave her the same info; age, wanted voluntary work with the GBLT community if possible etc. and we arranged for an informal interview next Tuesday.

I was so happy, it was amazing how much my mood had changed/lifted simply because I felt I would soon have a purpose during my search for work.

I received another comment from Aron early that evening, and it read:

"So, did you grasp the nettle today?" (I had to laugh, how cheeky is that??)

I hope my reply surprised him, he was probably thinking I'd been moping around all day...again.

Anyway, I went to bed still feeling happy that night, even though I still didn't sleep any better...Lol.
I got up today in a geat mood too, I was going to be helping Dick with some DIY. Nothing great about that I know, but it meant I was doing SOMETHING, and we had a good laugh doing it anyway!

Then, around 3.30pm I felt really deflated. The volunteer lady phoned me to say she had to cancel our appointment and she hadn't been able to find anything in the area either.
So, not wanting to give up I said that as long as it wasn't too far, because of the expense, I would be willing to travel further afield. She went on to explain that as a volunteer any travel expenses are paid anyway...Woot Woot!! It was on again!!
She knows of a GBLT drop-in cafe in a large coastal town, not too far away, that may have something. So she is going to contact the person who runs it and get back to me early next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath that there'll be something available there, and I've also told her that I will do something regardless of the outcome. I've got many years of retail management experience so I don't mind putting hours in at a charity shop. I don't give a shit what it is to be honest.

So, I'm back in a happy mood.
I will be volunteering in some way or other.
Whether directly or indirectly, I will be helping others.
It's a good way of meeting new people and networking...might find a job...Lol.
When I do find a full-time job I will still do voluntary work, even if it means a different kind.

I'm so excited...I just can't fucking wait!!!!

*Fingers crossed*

Col

p.s. Thanks Aron & Musicbuff!!! I needed that push...Lol.


A few random bits:
Between the ages of six and thirteen I grew up with two people from the following famous (well, famous in the UK...LOl) bands - Depeche Mode, Yazoo, Erasure, The Assembly.

I nearly always have to have my feet outside of the duvet, even in the depths of winter. They get so hot it feels like they're going to explode...what a freak!

I've never sprained/broken any bones.

Apart from having my tonsils removed when I was four or five, I've never had any other surgery.

I wish I could play the piano.