Reasons and stuff.

Hi guys,

I haven't posted for a while for the following reasons:

As you may know I am a very emotional guy, I cry at the drop of a hat at both sad and happy stuff...books, movies and recently BLOGS!

I follow fifteen blogs at the moment (with another three that I check on regularly), and they are all full of such emotion a lot of the time that I get overloaded with it all. I wish that I could detach myself from my feelings but it's just not possible.
If you couple all these emotions with long time Insomnia (since I was a teenager) you can imagine how my sleep, or lack of it, has been. (Edit: Not Hypochondria as stated in original post...Duh!)
One night, two weeks ago, I went to bed around 12:45 am and was still awake at 3:30, so I went downstairs for a smoke. Nothing unusual in that for me. Then at 4:30 I did it again. At 5.30 I just thought "what's the fucking point in this?" and got up, made a sandwich and a cuppa, then put on a movie.
I just can't switch off when I go to bed, I think (and worry) about everything and everyone!

So, one night last week I was reading Razz's (Woot Woot, It only took me five minutes to figure out how to add that link...Lol) latest post/comments and he said about my commenting...don't sleep, right timing, or something like that, and I realised I was becoming obsessed with it all.
I wasn't obsessed with being the first one to comment, and I know that's not what he meant, but I was obsessed none the less. I wanted to be a part of something, even just a "comment" in somebody else's life, somebody I don't even know. I guess that's what years and years of loneliness does to you. I'm getting choked up now...how fucking sad is that ffs??? See what I mean about my emotions...Lol!

Anyway, just to let you know Razz...I am still following your wonderful blog daily (and all the others for that matter), but I have held back on the commenting. I'm trying not to get too involved anymore with any of the blogs, but how long that will last I don't know.
Also, thanks for your concern on the "p.p.s"
I'm happy that you and Jay are very happy (even if he is a little bruised now...Lol), and I am so jealous of your travel plans for December, especially the Spain trip.

So that's one reason, the other two are kind of connected...content and age.

All the blogs I follow are written by much, much younger people...ages 15 to 32ish.
I didn't set out to follow these particular blogs, they were just discovered along the way, and their content is all about what they're going through NOW and how they're feeling NOW.

My blog (so far and for the foreseeable future) is all about my past!
Is anybody actually interested in what happened in my life ten, twenty, thirty years ago??
I would have had things in common with them then, but not now, not when I'm a fossil in their eyes.
There's nothing happening in my life right now that's worth writing about, who knows about the future? There are some major changes planned soon, but until they happen...!!

It's the same on MSN, I'd love to chat with them, but again I feel like...who the fuck wants to talk to a 44 year old? They would much rather chat with people around their own age, people who are going through similar things to them right now, and I can totally understand that, but no matter how old I am...I'm still lonely, I've just been lonelier for a lot longer than them.
Hence, I've stopped logging on to MSN.

So there it is, a self pitying rant that's probably got you thinking "Grow up!!", "Get a life!!" or other similar/worse stuff (Lol), and you're entitled to think that!!

Maybe I should just explain that I have been unemployed for the past fourteen months, and with Britain teetering on the brink of a recession it's getting harder and harder to even find full-time vacancies to apply for.
I started full-time work at sixteen and have rarely been unemployed since, so I'm finding it really hard at the moment.
My rent and council tax is paid for by the state and I receive £242.00 per month to live on. After my bills are paid (gas and electric takes a huge chunk of that) I'm left with £8.00 a week for food. I'm going stir-crazy within these walls and getting more depressed as time goes by. I put on a brave face to my family and friends (when I see them), and tell them I'm fine, but I really feel like I'm dying inside!!! Here come the tears again!!

I've got far too much time on my hands but I hate daytime TV and don't watch it. The evenings are no better, there's hardly anything I watch regularly...British TV is just full of crap: Reality shows, "talent" contests, cookery stuff etc.
I do like to read and do crossword/arrowword puzzles, and luckily I've got a good collection of DVD's too, but sometimes I find myself just looking at the screen and not hearing anything...I've gone somewhere else.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to motivate myself to do anything; I'm slim (wouldn't you be too, living on £8.00 a week...Lol) and I keep on saying that I'll start exercising to get a six (but more likely a four) pack and improve my chest too. My legs are fine, I like my legs...Lol. I still haven't started yet.

You know what kind of TV I dislike, so here's some stuff I do like:

I'm loving - Eli Stone, Spooks and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (and it has nothing to do with Thomas Dekker...Lol).

I'm looking forward to (new series): Dr. Who, Torchwood and Skins (all new cast, but worth a look).

If you've read ALL of this long, boring, self pitying, depressing post then I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Whether I decide to continue blogging or not, I shall continue to follow my precious fifteen blogs (with or without commenting...Lol). Sadly, for me, you guys are my world even if you are keeping me awake longer at night...Lol.

No funny stuff today, and btw, I'll be 45 next week. Just another reason to be depressed *long sigh*


So long,

Col