Saturday, February 28, 2009

Something For The Weekend...

Hi Guys,

Ok, this is a scheduled post because I'm busy moving etc. and I'll have no Internet connection for 5-7 days (as you know). That means I'm going to be soooo behind on your blogs and sorry, but obviously I won't be leaving any comments for the next week. I'll catch up as soon as I possibly can though, but in the meantime my best wishes go out to all of you.

So, I have "Interviews" scheduled for Monday and Thursday. Please read and comment on them because all the guys have put a lot of time, trouble, effort and personal thoughts and feelings into them!

Quickies:
Thank you to torchy! for his help with my technical thingies, and thanks to aahsazyl too for his help with other technical thingies!

Hi to GTG1, my new follower! I think he's new lol. He appeared when this new "Google Friend Connect" thing arrived, so maybe he'd managed to hide somewhere before that. Anyway, check out his blog by following the link above or in the sidebar.

Talking of links, the following are all new ones so please check them out too:
Peter's Blog (Yeah, he's back!)
Josh's Blog
Mr HCI's Blog
Sethy's Blog
Ken's Blog

And finally, some funnies for the weekend...

While I was driving down the A127 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper laying in wait on the other side with a radar gun in his hand. His mate, waiting in the layby further down the road, pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "Sorry! I'm late for work."

He then asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The copper was surprised, and confused: "A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then two fingers, then three, then four, and once my whole hand is in I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in. Then, I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper cautiously asked: "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied: "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Speeding ticket: £60.00
Penalty Points: 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless...

That's gonna hurt!!


That's one sad looking Cat!


Umm... I think I'll just hold it thanks!

This season's BBQ "must have!"


That's all for now folks. I hope you all have a great week!!

Take care,

Col

Thursday, February 26, 2009

An Interview With... Ken - FENCE RIDER

Ken is the author of FENCE RIDER blog. He enjoys photography, fishing and the beach. I believe he's a Sci-Fi and Fantasy fan too.

Please visit his blog at the above link.


Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting. I found it fascinating.

Introduction...


Name: Ken Johnson
Age: 59
Occupation: Retail support
Country and State/County: USA,NC, Dare
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Gardening, photography, fishing, doing good for others, and walking the dogs. I live on a golf course, next to the ocean. If your not familiar with the outer banks of North Carolina, it’s a long sandbar along the coast. . My county is 100 miles long and a half mile wide, with water on both sides. My rent is cheap. I am only two miles from work.

Likes/Dislikes:
I like a beer before bed, pain free days, pretty flowerbeds, and good landscaping. blond haired young men.
I dislike pushy women who want to be my girlfriend.

Loves/Hates:
I love hugs and how dogs can love so forgivingly.
I hate rejection.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I have given up on most of my dreams. I just try to get through the day without building up any false expectations with other people. I have no goals cept maybe to find the energy to spend more time on the beach this summer with a camera.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I would like to express my feelings. If only I understand them better, then it is good.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think along the way in life minor choices were made that influenced our preference. Early on bi is possible, later this will cause serious conflicts and a choice will be made. I don't believe we are predetermined. we start developing preferences at an early age then we follow a course of action to satisfy those preferences.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In the 5th grade I developed a non-physical relationship with a friend of my older brother. We became close. I really was in love with him. He could have had his way with me anytime.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I did not want to accept early on. I feared rejection and consequences. I married a girl with a boyish face, a miserable 8yrs. When that was over, Aids came out. Fear of Aids drove me deeper in the closet. I believe I accept it now. I know what my preference is. I now have religious convictions and am struggling with what choice to make. I am a strong believer. I am not a joyous christian. Health issues and male menopause have all but taken away sexual ability.

Who are you “out” to?
I am out to only a few close friends who are mostly gay women, and a few young men who I have blundered in upon when they were having sex in the mens room. They deny they're that way and reject me. We were good friends before the incident. Now if anybody was to ask I would say" yes I am gay." It would be just as easy as saying "yes I am a christian". This is not a conflict for me. I know I am not perfect. I know I am forgiven.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
I came out when I was suffering heartbreak over a broken relationship and I needed someone gay to talk to. It was not hard, they didn’t say it but they knew all along. My heartache broke down the barriers.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
I came out by the circumstances in the previous answer. I am blessed that past work experiences have given me many openly gay friends whose kindness I will forever appreciate. I think mom has known since the fifth grade, she was harsh then but has suffered in silence ever since.

What reactions did you receive?
Nothing but kindness.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I was greatly relieved that I didn't have to continue the lie anymore.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I fear my church family. I separate my two lives. I guess there I can never come out of the closet. That’s unfair, church is a family place. People are rightly concerned about their children.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I fear my church, they would place sanctions on me if I was "out" there. This has to be worked on. I am not a pedophile. The "straight" parents won't want me around the children if I come out there. I'm dealing with my own heart here.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
I was an army brat. There was nothing in the sixties for support. 'Homo's" were only old perverts back then. It did not happen in the schools. Gay teachers, like my high school wrestling coach, were just transferred instead of prosecuted. Nobody wanted to make it public. It just didn't exist.


What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
I have had to deal with my feelings entirely alone. when I was young contact with other gay boys was to scary even though I lived in Wash dc suburbs. the gay places were way to scary.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I always took the grin and bear it route. I am a Vietnam war vet decorated for valor on the battlefield. My feelings scared me more than battle. I never had anyone I felt I could talk to.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I live in a small town. The gay community here is very transparent. There is a large HIV+ group here but they have only the county health department to help them.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There is only a battered women's shelter here run by the gay women.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I could go in now. Not too long ago I would cross the street to avoid it.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
I don't know. Outside of this survey, I have only used the internet as a source of gay porn. I think there are a lot of bloggers, who use the internet to express their gay feelings anonymously.


If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think if more positive resources had been available I might have broken through the barrier much earlier. That was also in the pre-AIDS time. I know AIDS, early on, took a large toll on the gay men's population, all the openly gay men I knew at the time disappeared. Maybe my problem was I never met the right guy early on. I knew some but they never survived the war.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet is a good medium. It has avenues of self expression with encouragement. It has support links, entertainment, and avenues for personal growth.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
The net allows some anonymity, but in the long run you only hide from yourself.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
They were both around. I rebelled from them both pretty equally. I spent more time with mom so I respect her the least. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Dad never did anything with me except addict me to cigarettes at an early age. He blamed me for difficulties he had in his career path. Mom was stuck trying to mold and shape me, I rebelled and was running the streets by the time I was twelve years old. Dads military career, and the baby boomer thing, caused me to be shuffled around a lot. I was in a different school every year from the fourth grade on. I have never been any good at forming relationships.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Not that I know of except maybe my son. He has avoided me for the last ten years. He will be thirty this year and still lives at home with his mom and step dad. My nephew once expressed gay feelings when he had to much wine. He also is near thirty and still lives at home.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
I had one. I would only like to have a better relationship with my own children.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I enjoyed being a dad. I was not a joyous spouse. At church I have enjoyed being a surrogate grandfather.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
I would say break loose. You are the source of your own misery. The world is far more liberal now. The community is much bigger. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will open.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Fear of rejection has left me old and tired. Don't follow my ways.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would still want to be gay. I prefer the beauty of the male body. I would hope the second time I would not be so hindered by fear.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa?(List as many as you want to)
I wish I could have come out earlier.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
I would only like a different place because this place is very closeted. I like the totally laid back atmosphere of the beach.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would like to be a younger age, but this time period is the right one to be in.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they hadn't blamed me for my conception.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Siblings are cool when you get older.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would like my hair to be blond again, and a little fuller. Vanity.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be in shape. It would be healthy and more attractive.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Being timid, lacking self confidence, being suspicious of other peoples motives.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Outgoing, and spontaneously friendly.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes, every choice we make has consequences. These consequences are the forces that affect our course in life. Every consequence leads to more choices.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is to choose between two things. A decision is to pick one of the choices then to follow through all the consequences.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I would be in a long relationship with someone from my youth. We would have a comfortable business. Life would not have been so full of it's terrible ups and downs. I also would not be wasting so much time on the internet.

Monday, February 23, 2009

An Interview With... JC - JC (messiah)

If you don't know who he is yet, fellow Brit JC is the author of JC blog. He writes poetry, music and his own lyrics. He's one cool guy!

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...


Age: 19
Occupation/Student: forensic student
Country and State/County: nottz/uk
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: ermm bi sexual but turning more gay and also confused

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes: making music, drinking, relaxing, having a laught

Likes/Dislikes: Hmm well i like to drive, i like to get wasted, i dislike ppl who irate me. I like a lot of stuff and dislike a lot of stuff

Loves/Hates: Isn’t this kinda the same as like and dislike? I love my dead rabbit, replaced by a rabbit not love as much, i love to know to that i have a time limit, hate to know that i am just human.love making ppl laught, but hate when there laught when it is not funny.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
Dream: to be a singer rapper, but just live in a normal house and life with the fame and money
Goals: to be a copper, and police dog and find someone to love.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
The same reason why i agreed to give blood, why not,hopefully i can do good and give my side of the world that i am trying to find.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
Never 1 or 2, always both, we are born the mind, and we are shaped to be the way we are, it is not a choice, but a name

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
errrmm kinda know when i was about 14/15, but kinda just ignored it and hope it would pass.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
As time comes by i think we all accept it, it like looking at the guy in the wheel chair, we make fun of him of not being to walk, and think thankgod i can walk, thinking i will never be like that, thinking it cant happen to me, we can easily realise it but many are scared to accept it, its like there just don’t teach u for this to happen

What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
i think this can be true, i think many young guys are bi, but as life goes on there more likely straight or gay, i just don’t think there wanna label them self yet

Do you feel that your life has been “easier” and people are more accepting of you as a bisexual person, than if you were gay?
Yepo, cause people can still feel there can still relate about somthing, there can still say, check out that girl.

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Ermmm my mates, and probabal some strangers know, and i think my sister has a idea.
Well i got to tell my family one day, and i also think thats the hardest but there got plans for u, cause there care.

How difficult was it for you?
My kinda out, was kinda easy, i used a test reaction to my mate, with a text

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
Kinda by choice and not, it was killing me inside not be quite wat i wasn’t and not telling my mates

What reactions did you receive?
I got a hug and there saying there all cool with it, like there been expecting it

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I say its a step to the fututure, the time to have fun

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Being ridiculed, not being accepted, being beaten up, being alone

Have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Nope not yet, and if i do, i just joke it off or we go toe to toe.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Ermmmmmmmmmmm, watcha dodoa duno wnuino

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?:
Help for what, i have searched for help, when it comes too much and u need to share the problems

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I get the advice, but it isn’t the advice that helps, it that some one is listening, that someone care, and that helps

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
What is glbt, where is this community, is there one is my place

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Paranoid if someone saw me walked into one yes, don’t know if i visted one, i probably go to see all the hots guys

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.
yes it seems too doesn’t it, the internet is great for this, because we don’t have to fear about being founded so we can connect.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Hmm i go mad, live a lie, it wouldn’t be pretty, trust me

What do you think your life would be like now?
i imagine a black and white picture, with a tint of blue

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
ermmm can i say me, please let me say me

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
yes, we all need a hididng place. A place away from the place.but with a window

Do you want a family?
i do, but wat kinda life wil i have, is it socalily posisble

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
knowing me, straight

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
come out to ur mates, but i mean the really good ones, never hide who u are, but don’t be a fool.be smart, but don’t be too quick to judge ur self, just have fun

Is there anything else you’d like to add?:
yes do to the unforeseen sight of the uk, i need to ask u a question, and my question is...
Do u think this makes my bum look big in this. Hmmm, does it?


So… based on your life to date as a bisexual teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
if could chose, obvious the answear would be straight, why wouldn’t it be, but and there is always a but, i wouldn’t, and i gues that wouldn’t, gues i know i couldn’t, i know that wouldn’t be me and i be living in some parell universe, the question is why chose.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
i am out to my mates, and i try to think i am straight acting, but when would i like to come out, as soon as i knew, i and i gues i did, as i always half know but wasn’t quite sure, sometimes i still i am, and to my parents i wouldn’t want to let, only when i have a job, a nice house and stable in the life.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Sunny australia, or france, seem very nice, britian seems very dull, i lived here and it seems like i been here to long, like a new part of a life, needs a fresh start.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Sometimes i feel like i am in the wrong time, i liked the 90’s, but wat about the future, couldn’t say till i know what it was like

What would you choose to change about your parents?
More richer, i gues, and my mum is alright, but my dad is alright, but we does come from the 1950’s where the views of today wasn’t heard of, maybe he will be alright but i know there will also be that thing in the back of his mind, saying if only.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
Errmm more brothers my age, that would be cool, having sister around ur age can send u crazy.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
ermm i think my skin, nothing really, if a person asked, i would tell u to do what u think

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I will do what ever one would do, be more toned, but i gues i can do that if i worked out

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Hmmm i guess to loose the essence of being the guy who is lost. Guess i don’t want to be lost no more.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
More confidence, to do anything that i want and to tell it like it is., and why cause i want to do, but i wont

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
what i agree with is that we live by examples we lived and each person will live as there need to be, why some will make the choices to make sense, and the rest will go with the flow to see where end up, and is it beyond our power of influence or control, in the end i gues it always will be.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is somthing we think about while the decisions is the final act of the choice we have taken and we try to stick by it

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
Hmmm with better parents, with better looks and a nice coolo place, somthing beyond my control i think, don’t ya agree?

Saturday, February 21, 2009

"The Plan" & Interruption to my ISP.

Hi guys,

I hope you're enjoying the "Interviews" so far, I know I am (but then I guess I'm a bit biased. Lol)

I doubt you'll remember, but in my post on 16th January '09 I mentioned "The Plan" which could, if it goes tits-up, possibly leave me with nothing... no home, no belongings etc.

Well, the first part of the plan is nearing completion. I'm giving up the tenancy on my 4-bedroom home as of Saturday 28th February and renting a bedsit (a lounge/sleeping area, bathroom & kitchen) for a month. I will not actually be living there and so I'll give the minimum one month notice immediately. It's actually a five-way exchange but you don't need to know all the details. Lol.

My brother Dick, his wife & their two daughters will move into my house, from their two-bedroom house, on Saturday 28th February and I will be renting a bedroom from them. Now this is going to be a major culture shock for all of us, but especially me I think, because I've lived alone for so many years.

I'll probably spend a lot of time in my room because that's where my PC will be, whereas at the moment it's in my lounge. The problem is... the bedroom I'm moving to is not the biggest (or the smallest) but with three double wardrobes, a bedside cabinet, a PC desk and a king-size bed, there won't be any room left to move... a little claustrophobic me thinks. Lol.

With the exception of my clothes, footwear, DVD's, CD's, some books, some prints, some Clarice Cliff ornaments, a Jasper Conran (Wedgewood) dinner service and my PC... I've given everything (from cleaning supplies and cutlery to leather sofas, maple lounge units, kitchen appliances and TV's) away to family. I'm sure you can imagine how much furniture and stuff there would be in a 4 bedroom house... and none of it was "shoddy" either. Lol. Anything they don't want will be taken to the tip next Sunday.

So, the next part of "The Plan" is to save enough money (once I've found a job, lol) to rent a furnished apartment in Spain for at least two years. Once I'm working the saving won't be a problem, because the only outgoings I'll have will be my rent (which is £60.00 per week all-in) and my mobile phone :)

Once I'm in Spain I'll search for work... in retail, bars, restaurants, wherever... I really don't care as long as I earn enough to pay the rent and eat. I'll be learning Spanish before I go, so I should be able to get by conversationally at least. Of course, a lot of work over there is seasonal and that's where "The Plan" could fail BIG TIME!! If I end up with no work and I have to come back to the UK, I'll have nowhere to live etc.

I've always been there for my family, and they've always expected me to be there too. When they've had quarrels and rows etc. with their spouses, who have they come to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, somewhere to stay until things cool off?... me, that's who!! But, I couldn't and wouldn't, ask any of my family to put me up... so I could be living in "Cardboard City" before I'm 50. Lol.

I still think I'm doing the right thing though... If I don't do it now (and I really should've done it many years ago), I never will!

EDIT (Hopefully that's a bit clearer. Lol):
Right then, due to the move I will be without any ISP for approx. 5 - 7 days from Saturday 28th. I will schedule "Interviews" for Monday 2nd and Thursday 5th, but obviously, it also means that I will not be on MSN during that period too. I know what you're thinking... awww, what a shame! We'll miss you!! Yeah right!!!! Lol!


Anyway, take care guys and thanks for reading!

Col

p.s. It's now Saturday and I'm waiting for my brother to show up with an assortment of boxes and God knows what else. I've just disposed of any "old" footwear which was stored in one of my bedrooms and, omg, I've still got 37 pairs left! Where the fuck am I going to store them all now?? They're all either new or hardly worn so I don't want to get rid of them... Formals = 8prs, Casuals = 10prs, Trainers = 5prs, Mules, Sandals and Flip-Flops (Thongs?) = 14prs.

Don't even get me started on the amount of clothing I have. Lol.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

An Interview With... Seth - Sethboyardee.

If you don't know who he is yet, Seth is the author of Sethboyardee blog. He's a very popular man in the gay/bi blogging world, and rightly so! He's recently re-designed his excellent blog and so it's really easy to view it and get to know all about him.

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...


Age: 32
Occupation/Student: Unemployed / Chef
Country and State/County: USA, New Jersey
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Always confused, but Gay.

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Reading, chatting online, collecting porn, blogging, sleeping, eating/cooking

Likes/Dislikes:
I dislike the entire “celebrity” concept, how stars and people are glorified and overpaid for no real reason. But I’ll not get too much into that. I LOVE food, love cooking, eating, thinking about food. Love cuteboys and eye-candy of course. I like my peace and quiet. Music assorted tastes everything from classical to big band to cutting edge club music. Reading, lots and lots of fiction thrillers.

Loves/Hates:
Despise anything political. Its all Bullshit. (can we curse here?). Love my two “babies” – cats Pinky and Tyler. Not really sure on religious views, but I really don’t get much into that.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To own my own business. Probably realistically something food-related, either a restaurant, café, etc. A gourmet hot chocolate store (selling various brands, made-to-order, etc. is one of my dreams.



The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I’m pretty open about some parts of my life, and enjoy sharing with others. Perhaps something in my experiences or views can help someone else. Results may vary.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I believe its pre-determined in some way – genetically? Upbringing/childhood? Not totally sure, but unless its some sort of trendy “oh, look, I’m gay” sort of thing, I don’t think we have a choice.

When did you realise that you were gay?
Well, perhaps around beginning of highschool. But officially / admitting it, not until after my first semester at college. After I got past my highschool thoughts that “I’ll grow out of it, get a girlfriend, and be normal once I get to college”.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I realized it long before I accepted it in myself. Even in hindsight, there were signs much younger that I now see. Again, I somehow thought it was something WRONG WITH ME, that I would “get over it” and “become normal” later in life. Of course, that was mostly of product of my absolute clueless-ness about the whole issue. Not any bias or family values, just pure clueless about what was really going on. Sort of “gee, WHY do I like all the boys in my class?”

(For bisexual interviewees) What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
(not bi, but I figured I’ll add my thoughts here) – I do believe people are bisexual, attracted to members of both sexes for various reasons. However, its also a “label” issue for some people, who can’t quite admit and feel they have to cover themselves in a half-way plausible excuse. (But, that’s not a “bad” thing for everyone, I suppose).

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Everyone, except perhaps Grandma. But she did stop asking me, several years ago, “when I am getting married” so… who knows? But, I don’t hide it from anyone, most if not all of my current friends are from the gay community. People who meet me never seem to assume that I am gay, (always assume I’m hetero, which gets annoying) – so sometimes I feel like I should wear a t-shirt advertising the fact up front. I went through periods early in my coming out years, of being “rainbow” – covered in rainbow stickers, etc. Now, I’m just me, being me, but I still hate when people just assume I’m hetero. Also, I recently “came out” to my old highschool friends, well, not really actively except for my best friends, but I re-connected via MySpace and Facebook, and my profiles certainly don’t hide the fact I like boys more than girls.

(If you’re “out” at all) How difficult was it for you?
Thankfully, very easy. I’m blessed to never have experienced any problems, or issues, or violence, etc in my life. Of course, as I mentioned, in highschool prior to college, I thought I would cure myself, so I suppose that could be counted as some internal/mental “difficulty” with coming out and accepting myself.

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
Mom was first – she was fine with it, just concerned I wouldn’t get hurt or anything, in her usual Mom concern.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Positive, definitely glad. I doubt I could have continued deluding myself for long, especially as I matured and gained knowledge.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Thankfully, again, I’ve been blessed with not having any major issues. Knock on wood, it will stay that way. I do fear any sort of violence, but I also don’t really GO anyplace that might be construed as dangerous in any way, so its somewhat moot, although it can happen anywhere.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Once again, I have been extremely lucky in the fact that I’ve never really had any issues, always had people accepting, and the environments I have lived in have always been positive.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Through highschool, I had no resources whatsoever. (This was the first part of the 90’s, so the “Internet” was not yet prevalent. No Google, etc. However, I did get online right after highschool, using BBS chat rooms (with a dialup 33.6k modem OY!!!) and began learning and exploring the gay community. (And lots of cybersex LOL). One “resource” I would like to mention, because it made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my life, was the book “The Best Little Boy In The World” by John Reid (really Andrew Tobias, using a pseudonym). This book was – well, it just opened my eyes and blew me away, a true awakening that I was NOT the only one in the world bearing the “burden” of being different, not the only one struggling with my huge secret. Amazing book, highly recommended.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Now, I can’t think of life before Google. But back then, the use of the BBS chat etc, was a huge factor in my growth/discovery/acceptance. Just talking with other people, then eventually going out and MEETING other people in real life, made a huge impact on the second part of my life.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Once I got online, started asking questions and learning things, it was much easier.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I live about half-way between New York City and Philadelphia, NYC being one of the largest gay communities in the entire country, and Philadelphia also having a huge gay community. However, in my state (NJ) there are only a few organizations available, which seems somewhat odd. There is a “Pride Center”, a large “activist” group which also offers support/social/activites/groups., and a couple of social, political, and health/mental health/support groups. The local universities/colleges have gay groups, but none very active as far as I can determine. There used to be a youth coming out/ support group, but its been disbanded due to the prevalence of the internet offering more resources. It seems, generally, that things have gotten somewhat less “active” due to the internet, and the way society has changed. Of course, in the two big cities, there are a lot of resources also. It would be nice to see a little bit more cohesiveness between various groups, and more easily accessible information, even online.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
(Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.)
I’ll mention the book again, The Best Little Boy In The World, which I believe took place in the 1970’s , and offers a pre-internet view. In the past, the only “resources” were gay bars, (and the problems inherent with that), or perhaps some stereotypical and unapproachable persons in the community. It was a very “underground” and inaccessible sort of thing. But for me, coming up into adulthood just as the internet took hold, has been a huge factor in the gay community. Of course, hand in hand with the internet making resources and information much more available, the gay rights movements have made much progress in the last, say, 15 years or so. The Internet has opened things up, and people can, for example, Google. Or chat in a gay chat room. (Which is both a good and a bad thing) Even people “coming out” can explore their desires, learn information, and just be able to talk (chat) with people from all over, with all sorts of experience and advice. That’s how it was for me, at any rate.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Oy. It’s a shame no one in the past did studies on rates of suicide for gay teens, etc. Of course, they wouldn’t have been able to FIND them, so…. Personally, I think I might have gone longer with not accepting myself, perhaps even stayed in the closet, or internalized things, or hidden my true thoughts.

What do you think your life would be like now?
Hard to contemplate those sort of questions. But, thankfully as I’ve mentioned, I’ve had a good ride so far. Not sure if I would have, if things had been different.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Actually, I think a lot of resources are very disjointed. Said above, I’d like to see more cohesiveness in the entire gay community, and even the gay internet community, as far as resources go. Things are fragmented – gay chat, gay classifieds (sex, etc) but also gay blogs, gay websites, gay magazines in the stores, reports in the media – things have become so prevalent in life its hard to NOT hear something about “gay” at least once a week in the mainstream media.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Nooooooooo. I hate little screaming children. LOL. Although, I sometimes do feel sad that I will be the last one of my family, there will be no future generation to carry on our name. Perhaps someday, adopting – provided they come packaged and ready to ship right off to college ha ha ha to avoid all the fuss.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No fake relationships. Unless I met a really hot chick. Ha ha. But no, probably adoption, never really gave much thought to surrogacy.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up an only child (with Mom). They were divorced when I was very young, and Dad was never much in my life. After 8th grade, I think I have seen him 3 or 4 times. Basically, I just kind of accepted that he was not part of my life, and that was that.

Has your mum had much of an influence on your life?
In fact a HUGE influence, but thats because she's insane. LOL.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Unfortunately no. One cousin may or may not be a lesbian, but we're leaning towards not. Shes just a spinster at this point. (And, for humor, my two gorgeous-twin-17-year-old-emo-boy cousins, are not. *sigh*)

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Sometimes, part of me can’t believe how much angst and stress and problems that people go through, even today, a new generation or two later in time. How people still have issues with coming out, pretending, denial, and even ignorance. It seems as if there is so much information at everyone’s fingertips today – Google alone – amazing wealth of resources. However as I mentioned earlier, I think there is still a lot of incohesive aspect to resources – you’d have to dig around to find some local things that would be of use. However, there are great online resources, and you can pretty much remain anonymous while you explore them. I think if people are really serious about seeking help, its easy to find a place to start.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Might have some comments later…


So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.
The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Based on the way I watch heteros behave, I think I would still want to be gay. But generally speaking, I am a unique person, no matter what/who I choose. Even though gay men are definitely perverted sex fiends (LOL) – there is not that “machismo” macho competitive age. In other words, gay men don’t behave like cavemen fighting over the women. Sure, some bitch slapping and heated words now and then, but generally speaking its not a base competition. On the flip side of the coin, of course, is the stigma and issues associated with being gay. Someone reasonable might say, gosh, look at all the things gay people have to suffer and endure, I rather “fit in” easily. To me, being unique is the most important – and I suppose I could do that whichever direction I chose. Of course another contradictory thought would be “well, gay people ARE normal we are just like everyone else” – but that’s opening a whole other can of worms and getting too complex. So, I guess what I am angling towards is, do we choose the easy path, or the difficult road, in terms of sexuality?

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
My coming out process went very smoothly, I don’t think I’d change much of anything since I really could not have asked for better circumstances, or less drama, or anything else. So, the IF part was already taken care of, wouldn’t make that any different.
The WHEN part. Well, wow, I guess I really wish I would have come out earlier – say, 9th grade or sometime in early highschool years. Mostly, because I would have saved myself 4 years of stress and frustration. I would have been better able to enjoy, and take advantage of, what in retrospect I truly believe were golden years. Living more comfortably with myself, having come out earlier, would have been a blessing.

I’d of course have come out to “everyone”. With a bang, perhaps?
I sort of hover in the middle as far as how I percieve myself to be. Most people say I am very straight acting (hell, I worked as a bouncer) and most people never even know I’m gay. Of course, my friends all say (in their own campy way) “oh well, gee, how could someone NOT know you are gay you’re so flaming and flamboyant?” However, at times it makes it difficult, in some way – I often want to shout out LOOK AT ME, I AM REALLY GAY, especially when I try and flirt (which I am not very good at) and it just goes right over some cute boys head, since he just assumes I’m str8. Does that make sense?

Also, I kind of dislike the term “str8 acting” since acting, is well, fake. Does that mean someone is consciously trying NOT to be campy/flamboyant? Putting on a different role? I think it really comes down to someone being self-assured of their own sexuality, and ideally not having to “express” it in any significant way. In other words, just being yourself.

On the other hand, I don’t really like to be campy. I’m not good at it either. I’m not very “gay” in terms of “gay things” in life – you might say I’m lacking my gay culture and couture. So, it also feels like I have to force myself to try and “act” a certain way, rather than just being myself.
Gosh this feels like some sort of philosophy exam or existentialism or something. Who am I? Why am I? J

Would you choose to live in a different place?

Well, I can’t really say for sure. I’ve grown up in the same state my entire life, basically. I have not traveled extensively, so I can only imagine or dream of other places. I would love to live someplace coastal. Especially Maine. I have a thing for Maine, even though I've only been there once, briefly. I think I really fit well with the temperament (as well as the climate) of the New England areas. Or someplace rural, a nice "small town America" with open space and farms and peace-and-quite. I could never, for example, imagine myself living someplace warm like Florida, although I do often think about someplace like California, sun and surf. Other worldwide destinations, not really thought of much.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Hmm. I can't imagine going backwards in time, being so used to modern convienences - like, what would I do without my internet connection?!!? But I suppose going way back to Medieval times would be exciting, I've always loved reading about that period in history. Or perhaps a nice refined existence in the Victorian period, or something in the 1800's and early 1900's. I also can't imagine going into the future, because the way things are shaping up, and the way society is going, the future seems pretty scary.


What would you choose to change about your parents?
Heh Heh. You can HAVE Mom. LOL just kidding, I love her dearly. I grew up without Dad, so I don’t really know how much different life would be had I had a father figure in life. As it were, Mom has tried her whole life to be Mom, Dad, friend, sibling, and provider to me. Tough job, perhaps she’s overcompensated just a tad !!! I suppose the ideal “American Dream” family (mom, dad, brother, sis, dog, cat, white picket fence, etc) has some appeal, if just for “normalcy”. But then, from everything I have seen, there is no such thing as normal when it comes to family.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
I doubt it. I enjoyed the privilege and rank of being an only child. Not coming from a wealthy family, I wouldn’t have had half the toys, half the love, or all of Mom’s attention!! So call me greedy, but I could not / would not want to – have shared my life with someone else.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Oy. Full cranial and facial reconstruction!!! Just chop off my head and start over, but plug my brain into the new one. I hate my looks, hate taking pictures. Recently, I don’t like my double chin, my receding hairline, or just the general look of my face at all. Of course, who I would choose to look like, or how… not sure.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
This is rather – personal and perhaps TMI. But. Well, lets start with losing 100 pounds, make that 120 pounds. That would eliminate a lot of the blubber and sagging fat. Get rid of the stomach, the man-boobies (but leave the nipples oh so sensitive!! – sorry, TMI), and the whale-thighs. I can deal without muscles. I could use some ummm… larger genitalia, to be polite. Oh, and recently I’ve become aware that my back is pretty hairy = gross. I’m a big-boned person (ha ha not like that) – I feel my bones are very strong and sturdy, so I do like that. And I do enjoy being TALL. If someone asks my “favorite” body part, for some reason I tend to like my calves. Except I’ve recently noticed a small spot of varicose veins. (Sigh) old age is coming fast, and the body is saying hey buddy, you passed 30 its all downhill from here.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Not so much personality traits, because I’m narcissitically in love with myself. But, I’d certainly choose to lose the mental issues – depression, bipolar, OCD, anxiety, DPD. I gues I’m rather self-centered, so that’s probably something that could be knocked off the platter.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Assertiveness. Definitely. That’s a big one that is sorely lacking.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I’m going to combine 11 and 12 here if that’s ok. I believe that the choices we have available, influence the decisions we make. Well, some of the time at least. We all make bad decisions, stupid decisions, idiotic mistakes, etc. But we learn from them. The two words overlap, you can substitute on for the other in many cases. We can “decide” to “choose” certain things in life, and that influences the course of our future. There is a lot of randomness in the world. I truly believe that, the whole chaos theory, butterfly effect, etc. I also believe in fate, mysticism, luck, and some superstitions, all of which play a part. There are a lot of times where we cannot choose (or decide), and are subject to the whims, actions, and effects of other people. I suppose, during the times we DO have choices to make, it does affect how we live our lives. Sorry, that ones kind of tough and I think I lost focus, couldn’t quite get the words out to make sense.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:

I’d probably either be in prison, or famous, or famously in prison!! J I’m going to state here “what I wish my life was like” at this time, not necessarily what I think it would be like.
I wish I had a more sucessful career path, stable and wealthier financial situation, and more exciting life. I wish I had a large circle of friends to invite to my nice neat house, for nice big dinners. I could splurge generously, live graciously, have a peaceful and relaxing life. A garden. A farm. A business of my own, which I would work incredibly hard at making sucessful, and making myself wealthy. Although not ridiculously wealthy. Wise decisions. Healthy mind and body and spirit. This is sort of free association. Fit, trim, handsome looking, but not gorgeous or vain. Self assured and confident. Ok, maybe extra-wealthy, but still prudent. Lots of material possessions, because lets face it, I’m not a monk. But yet simple and clean and orderly – not a lot of clutter in my mind, my house, my life. Dressed nicely (but not suit and tie – even if I had millions of dollars I’d refuse to wear them!!) and fashionable, but not obsessed with trendy fads. Busy, active, but not ever overwhelmed. Social, friendly, with close friends and lots of accquaintances. Private, circumspect, enjoying my privacy when I need it. And perhaps, having someone to care for in my life. Boyfriend? Lover? Houseboy? Master? Who knows – still developing thoughts on that.

Monday, February 16, 2009

An Interview With... Aahsazyl - The Awakening.

Aahsazyl is author of the blog: The Awakening. Although he's currently living with his Aunt in Virginia, they will soon be moving to Seattle, Washington.
He includes among(st?) his collection of Sporting Weaponry: a CO2 pistol, throwing knives, combat knives, and a Katana (sword), of which he says... "is just pretty and i carry it now wherever i go." It's 40" long and 27" of that is the blade. He did have a gun too, but recently gave that away.
He is also somewhat of a linguist and speaks Portuguese, Spanish, French, and a bit of Dutch as well as English.

Please check out his blog by clicking on the link above.

Please note that the first part was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

The second part was conducted "live."


Intro...

Age: 17
Occupation/Student: None
Country and State/County: United States of America, Virginia, Caroline County
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Bisexual

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Weapon Sport (target throwing knives/hatchets, target shooting), Driving, Eating, Wanking, Speaking Foreign Tongues, Nibbling Foreign Tongues.

Likes/Dislikes… anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I fancy Vlad. He's a celebrity, isn't he? I don't like family (that's why you'll never hear me mention any of my four siblings, or my parents (another four of them)).
I like canines, cats and things related to mongooses (or weasels, oh Black Footed Ferrets). I am a militant anti-fascist (politically leaning towards communism) and dislike any form of organised religion.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I am going to be a forensic pathologist. Yes, that means you'll have to call me Dr. Aahz. *evil laugh*

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Can't be bothered to do anything else (barely managed this).

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
It is determined by the same process that determines if you are attracted to people not from your race/reproducing population. Probably evolutionary in origin, in order to limit populations. Oh, thus, predetermined. Sorry...

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
I have always been attracted to attractive people, regardless of sex.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I do not believe a distinction should exist in the minds of rational people... Too bad there aren't more rational people.

What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you're either gay or straight and that you're lying to yourself because you won't admit you're actually gay?
I believe this is a new form of discrimination now that homosexuality is more accepted, I am very much proof of this, as I was never taught by my environment that homosexuality is wrong, yet I still call myself bisexual, not as a safer or more accepted name for my homosexuality but because I am indeed heterosexual as well.

Do you feel that your life has been "easier" and people are more accepting of you as a bisexual person, than if you were gay?
I had an exceptional childhood, I rarely dealt with any problems with my sexuality. However, this may be because I treat my sexuality as a peripheral part of my personality, rather than making it the basis for my personality. I.e. I am what straight people perceive as a "normal" person, not a person who makes his life about what makes him different (very much like a disabled person who uses their disability for gain/attention).

Who are you "out" to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Every one that asks, though I have never "come out" as I do not often wish force my personal life upon people who couldn't care less. (You're mother doesn't take your family into a room and tell (or imply, as people are often not explicit when coming out, but you know their doing the nasty) them that she likes to do naughty things with a very happy Saint Bernard, does she?)

How difficult was it for you?
It was/is not difficult.

Did you come "out" by choice, or were you "outed" by somebody else?
I have been outed by other gays who believed me a closeted homosexual because I didn't fly post it :)

What reactions did you receive?
A negative one, but it soon died down because I didn't make a big deal about it and continued as usual. Most of the people I considered my friends didn't care.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it's happened?
I would rather it had not have, because of the initial reaction. I was doing just fine and would have continued doing fine the way I was before it.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
I have none, I have been approached and hassled, the hasslers learned very quickly not to hassle.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
I carry two guns, regularly. 'Nuff said.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
I had support for various things, and if I had need support for identity issues I would have gotten it from my family or my school.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
I made no use of resources dealing with identity issues, because I had no such issues.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just "grin and bear" everything and hope you'll be okay?
Now you're getting tedious...

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There are none, and that is more than enough.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Too embarrassed. It's not really my thing.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90's?:
Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.
It was indeed worse in the USA, and I would have much enjoyed putting down tossers who felt they got to decide what was right.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Um, militant anti-fascist, look it up. I'm good for gay bashers, women beaters, and the folks who lynch blacks. I'd put them down. Like dogs.

What do you think your life would be like now?
If I was lucky all that would be behind me by the nineties, if not, probably in jail or dead.

What do you think is the best resource?
Ones self.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I am not anonymous, everyone I know knows me.

Do you want/have a family?
I do not. Children are little shites.

Why?
XD, kids suck, they must go through adolescence sometime and that's when they ruin the world!!!

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Don't do it!

Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Nope.

So… based on your life to date as a bisexual teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.


Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
bi, because it means more opportunities to be happy

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
O_O i quite enjoy being as far from camp as possible, and i would continue on like i do now. if people; ask i tell lol, or i say none of your business and then i smack them ^_^

Would you choose to live in a different place?
yes, id live in New York city because i really like subways
Lol.
nah, really id live in bristol and id talk with a west country accent and no one would know what i was saying lol, or id live in haringey, north london. crouch end ^_^
prolly the last one
Why Crouch End?
i like it ^_^ its little but its in london ...sort of

Would you choose to live in a different time?
um, i wouldnt. i like now, the style of now, the feeling of it. its quite comfortable here
oh, i know! prolly um... 1200s
Why?
lol. i like to wear cool armour and a sword ^_^ and not tin man armour. id wear kevlar ^_^
Lol. A little early for that!
lol. yea, id have to find a way to get it back there. id have a car too lol.
so the answer is... id like to live out of my time

What would you choose to change about your parents?
lololol. id like them to be thin (they are both a bit round lol) and id like them to be tall-ish, and id like them to be rational minded. snappy dressers too. and get along, but still be divorced and remarried. thats important

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
lol. i would choose that they not exist cause theyre a bunch of cunts lol. they are just not the kind of people i like lol, and thus cunts.
nah, i just dont want siblings. i want all the love ^_^

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
lol. less prominent top lip... um, darker hair. different face really. um, different nose... pretty much everything
Why?
because id change it till its attractive to me, and thus how i would like my self to appear to others. oh, one more thing... id change my eyes to silver/gray with black lines in a sort of pattern
Contacts?
hmm no... muscle ligatures

What would you change about the rest of your body?
lol. i would like abs at all lol, less defined pecs, less hair, um... bigger cock lol, but not much bigger. only about 7in. um, neater pubes, thinner thighs, and longer feet and better toes
Lol. Not too much then?
wait wait theres more lol. my back is ugly lol
Ugly?
yeah, ugly. idk, it just has acne on it and is bony, but the rest of me isnt bony. im a bit pudgy actually. just my back.
oh, flatter bum too. and i have a birth mark on the right cheek... id totally get rid of that.
out of all of them; definitely the bum and the abs
So you have no abs at all then?
lol. nope, i have to lift my self up with a rope lol. im not fat, i just dont have any definition as it were. its just skin and hair lol

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
um, lots of things... mostly the sexual aspects. id rather be caring than lustful. id like to be more charming lol, and a bunch of other things which are hard to define. id have to spend some time going through my list, so i could give you the most relevant ones

What personality traits would you choose to have?
oh well, id be... damn, im gonna have to do a shopping list for traits lol
Lol
ill think about it while im packing ^_^

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
i do, because its a rational statement based on objective evidence

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
lol. yes, they are different derivatives of the same word. trust me...im a linguist lol
Lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
it would be full and id be going places with it. its sort of like driving... once you figure out how to do all the controls you start to pay attention to your surroundings more lol

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Some Funnies For The Weekend...

Enjoy guys!!

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument


Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


I think this will work with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Sincerely,
Your Friend


Alternative Advertising:






For forks sake! How many tines do I have to tell you...


More Alternative Advertising...
...you're too young to get your nose pierced!!!


And finally, for Matt: A
decent 'Essex Girl' joke...
An Essex girl goes into PC World looking for curtains for her PC.

The assistant says to her "You don't need curtains for a computer!"

Essex girl replies "HELLOOO! I've got fuckin' WINDOWS!"



That's all folks, have a great weekend!!


Take care,

Col

Friday, February 13, 2009

An Interview With... Bob - cvn70

Hi guys,

Just to let you know that Bob's interview has been published. It seems I'm having problems (again) with my posts updating on your blog lists. I published and re-scheduled twice yesterday, but to no avail.

Cheers!
Col

An Interview With... Bob - cvn70

Bob is not the author of any blogs, but he does comment on a number of them (not on mine though. lol). You may have read his comments under the name cvn70. If anybody would like to contact Bob with follow-up questions, or to comment or something then you can reach him via email at: at2rjm@live.com

Please note that this was an email questionaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Age: 47

Occupation/Student: Presently and for the last seven years I have been self-employed as an Attorney, prior to that I worked as an engineering systems planner/analysist for a company called Raytheon, which is a major US Defense Manufacturer for almost 15 years.

Country and State/County: I live in the Massachusetts, USA

Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Things I like to do reading, being at the ocean, sailing boats especially over night somewhere or in races, being out in a storm, golfing, attending concerts and sporting events, watching sports, going charter fishing offshore in warm places, driving, snorkeling, comedy shows, staring at the stars, being awake all night, cooking food, and spending time with friends.

Likes/Dislikes. anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I like: my blackberry, music, reading a book rather then going to the movie, nice restaurants, helping people, the laws we live by for the most part, but then I am from Massachusetts, people who write blogs and myself, now
I dislike: all the hate in this world, being on public transportation, crowded places and roads, paying taxes for services I never receive, a team I favor losing, rude, uneducated and/or ignorant people who want to explain to me how I should live and whether I should have a right to exist at all, and working especially for people who cause their own problems.

Loves/Hates. anything again from people to pets, politics to religion, whatever:
I have been in love with two people who I have never told; I have loved having a dog and having several close friends
At times I hate being alone, but otherwise I gave up on hating anything else it is just to stressful.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
The only dream I have left to is to give up my present life and move to a warm climate, and then teach at a college. Maybe I even come out in this dream.

Aspirations: I used donate a certain amount of money to republican politicians every year but in the future I am going to give it to organizations to help gay/bi kids and support LGBT issues, organizations like the Trevor Project or the Lesbian Defense Fund, because I think I have been helping the wrong people in life, it was just the way o was raised to give to republicans.

Goals: I want to buy a home in Florida within the next ten years that I can use when I retire.

The questions...

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I wanted the people I leave comments too on their blogs and anyone who I do not talk as of yet to get to know me some and maybe find out some things about me because by reading your blogs I have learned a lot about each of you and the struggles you face.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
It is predetermined and we have no choice in our sexuality we get what we are dealt. I had no trauma I my life, no one raped me, my family had enough resources, there was none of the standard excuses I heard growing up in my life as to why people were gay I just was from the get go. If it was a choice I would have chosen differently and I tried to have sex with a friend and I could not do it with her so there is no choice involved for me.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In second grade, age 7, the rule was you had to go to the bathroom in pairs for whatever reason, well I always wanted to go with this kid Dana cause I was drawn to him and then after awhile I would want to be next to another boy and so on, but I did not know this meant I was “gay” until I was about ten when I understood it to be wrong and unacceptable.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
Realizing I was gay scared the shit out of me because every image in my mind that existed in the media or society in the early seventies was a terrible one and it simply was not what I had been told my life would be or part of what I was expected to accomplish. In some ways I have never really accepted being gay if accepting it requires you come out, as I have never come out to anyone in the real world and there are less than ten people on the internet who really know who I am as far as my identity.

It is clearly two different processes and I did not accept was going to be gay forever or that I could not change for years, I simply thought I was doing something wrong and I continued to look for ways but the longer I failed to change the more depressed I became and the more I would use drugs and alcohol to erase the pain for a little while.

So now I realize and accept that I am gay but I have always been worried since I was a kid about losing so much for something that I never asked for and whether that fear is rational or not it is and has been immobilizing to me.

Who are you "out" to (no names of course, just. family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Nobody in real life.

When do you plan on doing so (if ever)? To whom? And why/why not?
I have no plans to coming out at this time and for the foreseeable future. I have lived a long time like this and really do not know what would be gained. I feel that I would lose a lot of clients and income. Additionally, there are some complications surrounding my old job and if I wanted to reenter that field being out would make it impossible.

To be out I think I would have to move and possibly change professions to be out. I would want to remain self-employed because no one can fire you if you are the boss. Also feel like it is no one else’s business what I do and with whom at least I live with that rationalization.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Just putting up with crap that I do not have to put up with today and of course not having my family, friends and others I have known for along time to interact with me. Oh and then losing the life I want to live in and probably most of my income, all of which I realize maybe superficial to others but I do not want to or understand why I should give anything up.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
No I do not think so since I am out.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Absolutely none.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
For years I hated myself for not being able to change, I hated god for making me the way I am, I hated just the idea of admitting I was gay because that meant my life was over and I refused to accept it, so maybe if there were other people to confirm it was not my fault maybe I would not have driven some cars into things when was I so drunk that I could hardly stand and I probably would not have done so many drugs in an attempt to forget who I was . Maybe if I had someone to talk to and they told me it wasn’t me that was the problem I would have not hated myself too much and abused myself so much for a couple of years there, that is probably the biggest difference I think.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just "grin and bear" everything and hope you'll be okay?
I have never sought help, my parents sent me to a therapist once, it lasted three visits I just was not going to tell her anything.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Last September I discovered gay people on Youtube and then some of these blogs and they are the only people who I have ever talked too about being gay and yes I do find that helpful.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I have no idea as I have never sought any being closeted but I live near a major US city in a very liberal state so I believe there would be a lot of them.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
No I would not use them as I think you have to be out to feel comfortable belonging or visiting such an organization.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90's?
Growing up as a kid without the internet meant being alone, absolutely fucking all alone. I used to wonder if I was the only person who had these feelings; why can’t I find anyone, even to talk to you about it; why can’t I change like they say; can anyone tell I am gay; did I look at someone to long; and why does everyone hate what I am for something I did I not want, cause and could not change.

But now with the internet and Youtube especially you can see other gay people and you know what, they look like everyone else. You can actually in real time type a message and some other gay person at the other end responds. You can find people who genuinely care about you just because we are all gay and bi or even the lesbians are nice people to talk too, that’s all though. The internet has given people the ability to get in touch, lend support and care for each other when needed.

Anyone who reads AJ Ramblings, Mirrorboy’s blog or Matt’s blog knows exactly how the internet has changed things. For a comparison read or even watch “Prayers for Bobby” (lifetime network Jan. 24, 2009) about a kid who grew up without help and before the internet, it will give some of the younger guys and non US people a glimpse into what it was like to belong to a religious family in the states before the internet.

I personally did not cope well as I lived with drugs and alcohol for several years; it wasn’t until I went to college when I really stopped abusing myself.

If you grew-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today and the difference in society's attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
If I had had the internet I think I would at least of grown up knowing other “normal and gay” people existed and that single fact would have made a huge difference. I would have known it was ok to be gay and maybe it was a difficult life ahead of me but I would have not been as afraid of facing it every day, if I could have known other people. The career choices I made probably would have been similar but maybe I would have put more efforts into helping other GLBT people out.
I can not speak for others societies but at least American society changes slowly. As the world has now seen things in America change but not without money and peoples efforts. Change in America comes through our courts if it to last permanently and I hope every young person today sees nothing but positive changes and freedoms they want and more importantly deserve.

I recently read in a blog of a young Australian, that the American president is the world’s president well if that is true then I think a day will come in his lifetime that an American president can announce that our supreme court has declared that GLBT people have access to all the freedoms granted each American and that his announcement will go a long way to ensuring every person in every other country has those same rights.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The only resource I have used is you want to call it that is the internet and then these blogs and youtube.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Yes, quite frankly safer is a nice word but hiding has allowed me to participate in things, earn a good living and not be persecuted.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
At this point no I am too old and used to living alone. When I was younger I was disappointed with the fact I could never be a parent. Gay adoption was not possible where I live until the last ten years and it is not allowed in all the states.

Would you enter into a "fake" straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No I could not be in a “fake” relationship; I think it would be too hard to be in a relationship without love and caring. Children are nice but not worth that.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up in a nice town on a quiet tree lined street in a neighbor hood full of professional people who had lots of kids to play with during an era when your mother stayed home all day and Dad went o work. My parents were both were well meaning people if not driven, with Dad a single child and retired Military officer and my mother, who made sure everything, ran smoothly at the home(s). Every summer the last week of June after little league ended we packed up and moved to Cape Cod for the rest of the summer.

I have one brother and had three sisters all college educated. I lived a comfortable and protected life growing up. In my family though you knew you were going to college from early on and you were expected to succeed in sports and well anything you did. We were Catholics and my parents went to church regularly and I went to catholic schools for most of my education. My family owned a sail boat and we all learned to sail. Mom thought learning to play golf and tennis would help us in life so we were trained. We were going to be well rounded and ready for anything in life.

Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
Influence or lack there of maybe better because by the time I was becoming a teenager it was not unusual for me not to see either one of them for weeks or so at a time, especially during the summer months. And by the time I was sixteen and had a license it was easy to avoid them for weeks at a time. Here is what I understood in life, my dad who I wanted to please more was just a bright hard working guy who earned a good living. My mom who I loved dearly, it was from her family where our family money was derived and well she knew that and would never let you forget it. Both influenced me profoundly in different ways but both demanded a certain way of life leading to a successful career.
I do not believe that the environment factors in at all on your being gay.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
I have no gay relatives that I am aware of.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
You are under no pressure to make any announcement about being gay to anyone. You in my opinion are entitled to be raised properly by your parents with as much support and care as they give each of your siblings. Come out when and if you want to and to whom you want too. You are an important person and you have the right to exist in this life.

That you will find no help in doing drugs as I have tried in my life and it does not bring happiness. Alcohol has good uses but if you drink too much or mix it with drugs even prescription drugs you are asking for trouble.

Do not beat yourself up for being gay/bi or whatever as I wasted a lot of my life hating myself and it is a long life we are living so get prepared. Go to school and get good grades, go to a college or university and pick a career or a trade where you can be self-employed as it is legal to layoff gay people in some US states without cause. Take care of yourself, as if no one else will.

Talk to someone about what you feel and it really can be anyone you trust because each and every one of us is a good person who should be able to live and enjoy life. Unfortunately it took me a while to figure that out on my own.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?:
Thanks for letting me participate.


So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would choose to be straight, it was what I wanted to be in the first place and being a teenager in the seventies in the states life was just so lonely and draining emotionally as you tried to keep the secret and coming out was not even an option if you wanted accepted by the part of society I grew up in and still wanted to live anything resembling a normal life.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
I have always been straight acting and a jock so I would not change that as I enjoy playing sports even today. I would not have gone into the navy after high school because I thought it would be a good place to go to get away from having to go to college with my childhood friends, as it just became too much to be around them; and the thought of having to participate in college life at the time and not being able to tell them was too much for me so I wanted out of my life for a while. Let’s say for a minute that my answer to question one was to be gay then I wish I had given a couple of my childhood friends I still know today the opportunity to know I am gay when I was young.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No I grew up in a nice community with lots of history and opportunities. I was afforded an easy life from a financial perspective where if I did all that was expected of me the end result would be a successful person, plus I had a good proximity to schools, great history, a revolving climate and a diverse life in New England.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
If I am still gay then yes, I would like to be born yesterday to allow for even greater change in society’s attitudes and laws to become more favorable. If not then no I think we all get opportunity to live a life and the when of living it, if you are straight isn’t material to what period of years you live said life because except for the names and styles we are living for the most part our lives and society change little in a span of decades.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
Well my first inclination might have been to have them accept me as I am but that would not have been enough just to be accepted by them; someone would have had to tell my friends it was ok to be my friend; the guys on the football team someone would have had to educate them that I was not interested in like 97 % of them; and someone had to tell the church I went too that I could not change no matter what they said, so just changing my parents attitude towards acceptance would have been enough.

So in practical terms then for my mother not to have smoked cigarettes because then she might be still around complaining about life in Florida and for my father maybe just once you could have turned down a job and spent some more time around the house.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
I was blessed with three sisters and one brother; I had a sister eight years older, a brother who is six years older, a sister who is two years older and a sister who is a year younger than me. For my oldest I would change that she took better care of herself as she died from diabetes early in life, She also gave my first joint, Quaalude, line of coke, hit of micro dot, etc; she went to high school during the era of sex, drugs, and rock and roll and she brought it all home for us to enjoy. She introduced me to the concept of the keg party and drinking games at the age of 11. Not to pick on her alone as my brother kept the party rolling when she went off to college so you see drinking and drugs were prevalent in my family and when your parents travel a lot or aren’t in the house you are in, it is easy to have a party so also I would have been a lot happier if they never brought drugs and alcohol into my early life. The reason being is how long I spent taking some of them; relying on them and of course the results of taking to many and drinking too much.

Other than that I have three surviving siblings and we all get along for the most part and every one works or is supported by their spouse so at this point there is nothing much I would change about them.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would get rid of the scar I have in my right eyebrow from a car accident because it reminds me of the car accident every day I look at it and I would like to have 20/20 vision so I do not have to wear glasses. My hair would be less thick because I could never let it grow long it just never looked good long.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be 25 – 30 pounds lighter, 10 – 12.5 kilos I think and because I would look better.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Because I have the benefit of age I have gotten rid of a lot of traits which I did not find productive over the years but sometimes I begin to talk about a subject before I had heard the whole story, from a speaker, so I would like to stop that because it irritates people, especially clients.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
I wish I had more tolerance for people and their actions that displease me because I have learned that it is rare my anger helps a situation resolve. I wish I had more patience with people in general and then maybe I would have a better understanding of their positions. I wish I had tried to meet more people in life rather live in a cloud of life for years and maybe I would have achieved more in life.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I agree with the position that our lives are dictated by the choices we make in life. With the premise being; that being gay and society’s negative reaction to being gay is out of our control; then yes I have lived a life dictated by my choices, but those choices were limited as I saw them by being gay. I did have the ability to choose other paths in life but those paths I felt would have led to less productive and fulfilling life then the one I am now living. Because I have always had trouble accepting being gay, a choice of mine, I have never been happy through a lot of my life and at times was very destructive to my own self mostly because of what I believe I am missed out on in life and I believe being gay wasn’t fair to me, so those were all choices I made but I made them without any information other than what I hard around me, without others to talk too and with my own safety and needs in perspective.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Choices I see are more global in definition so for each that exist choice exists then it complicates the decision process you have weave to reach a decision. An example of this a person who has multiple modes of transportation if he has five modes then he has five choices to make a decision from but if only has three modes then he has to make a decision from fewer choices, so he decision process is reduced and his ability to decide which choice to make is limited. But a choice is clearly something a decision is based upon an analogous to each other.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
If I was straight I would have hope to have a family which would give me someone to grow old with, I would probably make more money and have more debt because I would have cared more about making money to support a family. I would not have worried about some one or something outing me in life and that would have created a more relaxed life. I would not have been so mad and upset with myself for not being able to change from being gay to straight as I was led to believe was possible also preventing years of self medication and abuse. I would probably live in the same area and have many of the same friends because I like where I grew up and the friends I grew up with.