Anyway, there's only 11 months between Tom and I and he was always a little shit according to mum. We used to share this double pram and when the hoods were up my mum could hear us, but not see us. On more than one ocassion she would wonder why we were so quiet and look in on us. There would be Tom with his finger nails planted firmly in both my cheeks and me just sitting there, not making a sound.
She reckons that as soon as she said something like: "Oh darling, are you alright?" my bottom lip would quiver and then I'd start to cry, but until that moment I'd just silently let him do it...omg I was such a pussy back then lol.
She also thinks that Tom was jealous of the attention she gave me, because I was no trouble, and that was one of his reactions to it...it's possible I suppose.
So, to things that I actually remember; I guess I was about 5 years old and Tom was sitting on my dad's lap. I asked dad if I could sit on it too and he said yes, extended an arm to help me up but pushed me away instead. I thought it was funny so I laughed and tried to get on his lap, only to be pushed away again. This went on for about 5 or 6 attempts and by now he and Tom were laughing, but I was not. On my final attempt I started crying and asked why he wouldn't let me up, I remember my mum shouting at my dad to stop but that just angered him. This final time he pushed me so hard that I went flying backwards into the sideboard and hit my head and cried harder.
His reaction was to say that he was only playing with me and to start calling me a little baby, a little girl who didn't deserve to sit on his lap...that was only for boys like Tom.
Then I was told to go and sit on my mum's lap...because that's where I belonged...with women!
All I wanted was to sit on his lap and have a cuddle for fucks sake...why would anyone be so cruel to a young child? Anyway, Tom loved it. He sat there afterwards and each time I looked at him he would smile and snuggle into my dad, just to rub it in...bless him!
Now, this post is already long so I'm stopping here (well, shortly). This is one incident aged about 5, and there are many incidents in my life concerning my dad and Tom so maybe I'll only be able to post one at a time...but that could take years lol.
I could just bullet point them, but without the history to each memory that would make for boring reading (if you're not bored already that is).
I don't really know how to proceed, I thought I had all this worked out until I saw the length of the post lol.
Any suggestions????
Also, I've neglected to add some humour to the end of my posts so here's a little bit...
Thanks for reading guys, and I will try to post more often.
All comments/questions are welcome.
Take care,
Col
Posts
Col,
ReplyDeletei remember a similar incident with my father and one of my brother. I was also the one that got pushed away for no reason what so ever. Parents can be cruel to their children. Why have children if you treat them like that I want to know.
Some random thoughts:
ReplyDeleteThere are big things that happen to us that our parents never realized was important.
Parents can be cruel simply because they are human.
In telling these stories, I hope you are discovering, "how did this affect my life; what did I learn from this?" "What do I now need to UNLEARN and RELEARN as a result of this discovery?" "What do I need to forgive or have compassion towards (either for myself or my family of origin)?" This naturally leads to therapy (which helped me LOADS).
This may also help you to choose the stories you tell. It may not be necessary to tell *every* story that taught you the same (bad) lesson.
Aron
I am glad you (finally!) posted again my friend.There are many things that affect us as children.We are defenseless as chidren and only know / learn from what we see and hear on a daily basis.Therapy really does help.As far as the length of your post,Hell, it is YOUR blog! write as long as you wish.Those of us that stop by on a regular basis do not mind(hell, look at this comment!! LOL).My father never held one of us kids! except maybe my lil' bro' Mike.Mike was his "chosen one" and,get this,Not even his natural son!My mom got prego for him while her and my dad were sperated after I was born! GO FIGURE!!!! that is all! sorry for long post...er..comment!
ReplyDeleteCol, I've not forgotten that i said i would get back to you at greater length as soon as i had a chance to properly construct my thoughts. Just didn't want you to think i'd reneged on my promise.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Skweeky
Thanks for the comments guys!
ReplyDelete@ Patrick: I asked the same thing (rhetorically) in a previous post, but as Aron says in the next comment..."because they are human."
I'd like to think I would never hurt my child if I was a parent, but I know that's unrealistic, and I'll never have the opportunity to find out anyway.
@ Aron: Thought 1...I agree. Thought 2...I agree. Thought 3...Those points will be explored in future posts, but, I am not considering therapy. I have picked up on your previous hint(s) about that, and you've got Musicbuff at it now too lol.
Although this blog is mainly about me, my dad and Tom I chose to publish it in the hope of helping others and finding some friends (which I'm happy to say I have done). I didn't, and still don't NEED to say these things. I appreciate that you are trying to help me and I value your opinions and advice, I truly do, so please don't think that I'm being off-hand...I'm not.
Thought 4...Oh, you're right again...I don't know what I was thinking there because I have no intention of relaying EVERY story...only the ones I felt hurt me the deepest...I do have some positive things to say about my dad too. Not much but...
@ Musicbuff: Thanks for another therapy hint lol, and your email today.
I know, and was always told by my dad, that there are always others worse off than yourself, and there always will be, so in the scheme of things I have a lot to be thankful for...and it sounds to me from your previous comments, and this one, like you were definitely worse off than me in the love/affection department.
@ Skweeky: The thought hadn't crossed my mind, when you're good and ready is soon enough! Thanks for taking the time to let me know.