Whenever I see Madonna now, I always think of her request and whether or not I made the right choice.
First some stuff about me and my feelings etc:
Although I had a shitty childhood and my life is by no means a bed of roses even now, I actually have very few regrets.
One big regret however is not having children, and although I've come to terms with the fact that I never will, it's still something I think about and long for. Maybe when (and if) I find a stable and loving relationship with somebody my feelings about having children will change. I don't know!
I feel, as do my friends (gay and straight) and family, that I would make a wonderful Father.
Maybe it's because of how loving I am (Urgh!) or because I have an abundance of patience (Lol).
All I know is that I love children and can't think of anything more rewarding than raising a child. Lavishing your love, affection and attention on them, being loved by them. Nurturing, guiding, comforting, teaching and protecting them along with the numerous other responsibilities that come with being a parent, these are things I would happily do regardless of any sacrifice(s) I'd have to make.
Please take the time to listen to the following song, Blessed, by my favourite artiste Elton John.
Yeah it's mushy and it gets me all choked up, but it's a beautiful song and it may give you an idea of how I feel about having a child.
Btw, I have no idea what the actual video is all about, so just ignore it.
So, Madonna and I were in the pub one night after work, about two years ago or maybe less, and we were talking about her relationship with her bf (who I'll call BF...original eh?). When I asked her about the possibility of settling down with him, getting married, having children etc; she said something like: "I wouldn't want to have BF's child!"
Now, BF is a lazy, gambling loser who has hardly worked a day in life. He gets violent when he's been drinking and he hates me with a passion (Lol). He believes Madonna loves me more than she loves him! I think he's 30 or 31 years old and is still taking hand-outs from his mum and Madonna just so he can eat, due to gambling/drinking his money away.
He's always making excuses about not finding a job, but he's always promising that if Madonna marries him, or they have a child, or if he can get better accomodation etc; he'll get a job because then he'd have a reason to.
Anyway, the rest of the conversation (as best as I can remember it) went like this:
Me: so would you adopt then?
Madonna: No, I still want my own children.
Me: so what are you gonna do then?
Madonna: Can I ask you something?
Me: Yeah.
Madonna: How would you feel about you and me having a baby?
Me: (laughing) Yeah right! Whatever!
Madonna: No, I'm serious. You're everything that BF isn't, and I know it sounds corny but your the kind of Father I'd want by baby to have.
Me: You really are serious???
Madonna: Yes!! You're kind, thoughtful, loving, intelligent...
Me: (interrupting) And gay. Look Madonna, you know how I feel about not having kids but I don't think it's a good idea! How the hell could it ever work, especially with BF...can you imagine what it would be like?
I thought she'd drop the subject now, but she pushed on....
Madonna: Fuck BF!! You can't tell me you don't want a kid so don't try using the gay card or using BF as an excuse with me!
Me: Ok, but have you thought about how he (I always say he, just wishful thinking) would be raised. Being raised by you and me is great, but we'll never be in a "family" relationship so not a good start for the little guy. And then there's BF, I wouldn't want him raising my son regardless of whether you were there or not.
And, say something happened in the future like we fell out or something, would you stop me from seeing my son?
Madonna: Of course I wouldn't!
Me: it's easy to say now! Also, what about the age gap? What would his friends and their parents think about having such an old Father? How embarrassing would that be for him? Have you thought about that? How would his friends react when they discovered he had a gay Father?
Oh Madonna, I love you and thank you for the chance your offering but I really need to think about this...and so do you!
Madonna: Ok, but I want an answer...soon!
Me: I promise!
Well, after thinking long and hard, I didn't sleep a wink that night (normally I sleep well after a drink), I chose not to go ahead...for the reasons above.
So there you have it, now this subject really fascinates me so I would love for you to share your own thoughts, feelings, experiences on this subject matter with me.
Maybe you feel like I do and regret not having children, maybe you had children before you came out like my brother-in-law. Maybe you haven't got a paternal bone in your body...lol.
Have you or would you, in the future, consider surrogacy or adoption if you're young now?
Whatever it is, I would really like to know so please, please post your comments.
Just a bit of humour to finish off with:
9 Things that wind me up!
1. When people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote but they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.'
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look.'
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say 'life is short.'
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
That's all folks!!
Col
Posts
Re: #9 (wind me up) The best thing is when they set themselves up by asking "excuse me, do you know the time??"....
ReplyDelete.....and you can reply "yes." and walk away
LOL
by the way, somehow despite mentioning your blog on my blog, i somehow failed to actually subscribe to your rss feed until today LOL. so i'll start posting comments from now on
:)
I actually offered to marry a girl i was very good friends with. She had gotten pregnant by a loser from hell!(much like BF!) and he left without even so much as a goodbye.No one cried!.She lost the baby and was devastated.Would are marriage have worked? wil never know. I would have however, loved the child as much as if it were my own!!! but, since you had doubts from the very start it is safe to say that you may have had doubts about raising the child if you had gone through with it. I hope all this rambling made some sense!
ReplyDeleteA very personal post. Thanks for sharing that with us. I would love to have a child to care for, but it simply is not going to happen. A gay dad? Like the poor child needs that in this already crappy world.
ReplyDeleteAs to the Can I ask you a question remark I always answer, You just did. Now have a nice day. Ha ha.
The thing is, they become teenagers, and if they haven't already disappointed you, chance are they'll do so then. It's not all warm fuzzies.
ReplyDeleteThanks to you all for taking time out to comment.
ReplyDelete@ Seph: Thanks Seph.
@ Musicbuff: Yes it made sense, but I would've loved that child. As for raising him/her, my only doubt was that being raised by BF would most certainly be a long way from the way I would raise him/her if they were living with me. I couldn't allow somebody like him to raise my child if MY life depended on it!
I hope that makes sense too.
Many thanks for your comment.
@ Dr Mandragora: That was one of my concerns too. Thanks.
@ Naturgesetz: I realise it's not all warm fuzzies, but as for them disappointing you; that works BOTH ways. Thanks for your comment.
Thanks again,
Col