An Interview With... Seth - Sethboyardee.

If you don't know who he is yet, Seth is the author of Sethboyardee blog. He's a very popular man in the gay/bi blogging world, and rightly so! He's recently re-designed his excellent blog and so it's really easy to view it and get to know all about him.

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...

Age: 32
Occupation/Student: Unemployed / Chef
Country and State/County: USA, New Jersey
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Always confused, but Gay.

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Reading, chatting online, collecting porn, blogging, sleeping, eating/cooking

Likes/Dislikes:
I dislike the entire “celebrity” concept, how stars and people are glorified and overpaid for no real reason. But I’ll not get too much into that. I LOVE food, love cooking, eating, thinking about food. Love cuteboys and eye-candy of course. I like my peace and quiet. Music assorted tastes everything from classical to big band to cutting edge club music. Reading, lots and lots of fiction thrillers.

Loves/Hates:
Despise anything political. Its all Bullshit. (can we curse here?). Love my two “babies” – cats Pinky and Tyler. Not really sure on religious views, but I really don’t get much into that.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To own my own business. Probably realistically something food-related, either a restaurant, café, etc. A gourmet hot chocolate store (selling various brands, made-to-order, etc. is one of my dreams.


The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I’m pretty open about some parts of my life, and enjoy sharing with others. Perhaps something in my experiences or views can help someone else. Results may vary.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I believe its pre-determined in some way – genetically? Upbringing/childhood? Not totally sure, but unless its some sort of trendy “oh, look, I’m gay” sort of thing, I don’t think we have a choice.

When did you realise that you were gay?
Well, perhaps around beginning of highschool. But officially / admitting it, not until after my first semester at college. After I got past my highschool thoughts that “I’ll grow out of it, get a girlfriend, and be normal once I get to college”.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I realized it long before I accepted it in myself. Even in hindsight, there were signs much younger that I now see. Again, I somehow thought it was something WRONG WITH ME, that I would “get over it” and “become normal” later in life. Of course, that was mostly of product of my absolute clueless-ness about the whole issue. Not any bias or family values, just pure clueless about what was really going on. Sort of “gee, WHY do I like all the boys in my class?”

(For bisexual interviewees) What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
(not bi, but I figured I’ll add my thoughts here) – I do believe people are bisexual, attracted to members of both sexes for various reasons. However, its also a “label” issue for some people, who can’t quite admit and feel they have to cover themselves in a half-way plausible excuse. (But, that’s not a “bad” thing for everyone, I suppose).

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Everyone, except perhaps Grandma. But she did stop asking me, several years ago, “when I am getting married” so… who knows? But, I don’t hide it from anyone, most if not all of my current friends are from the gay community. People who meet me never seem to assume that I am gay, (always assume I’m hetero, which gets annoying) – so sometimes I feel like I should wear a t-shirt advertising the fact up front. I went through periods early in my coming out years, of being “rainbow” – covered in rainbow stickers, etc. Now, I’m just me, being me, but I still hate when people just assume I’m hetero. Also, I recently “came out” to my old highschool friends, well, not really actively except for my best friends, but I re-connected via MySpace and Facebook, and my profiles certainly don’t hide the fact I like boys more than girls.

(If you’re “out” at all) How difficult was it for you?
Thankfully, very easy. I’m blessed to never have experienced any problems, or issues, or violence, etc in my life. Of course, as I mentioned, in highschool prior to college, I thought I would cure myself, so I suppose that could be counted as some internal/mental “difficulty” with coming out and accepting myself.

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
Mom was first – she was fine with it, just concerned I wouldn’t get hurt or anything, in her usual Mom concern.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Positive, definitely glad. I doubt I could have continued deluding myself for long, especially as I matured and gained knowledge.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Thankfully, again, I’ve been blessed with not having any major issues. Knock on wood, it will stay that way. I do fear any sort of violence, but I also don’t really GO anyplace that might be construed as dangerous in any way, so its somewhat moot, although it can happen anywhere.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Once again, I have been extremely lucky in the fact that I’ve never really had any issues, always had people accepting, and the environments I have lived in have always been positive.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Through highschool, I had no resources whatsoever. (This was the first part of the 90’s, so the “Internet” was not yet prevalent. No Google, etc. However, I did get online right after highschool, using BBS chat rooms (with a dialup 33.6k modem OY!!!) and began learning and exploring the gay community. (And lots of cybersex LOL). One “resource” I would like to mention, because it made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my life, was the book “The Best Little Boy In The World” by John Reid (really Andrew Tobias, using a pseudonym). This book was – well, it just opened my eyes and blew me away, a true awakening that I was NOT the only one in the world bearing the “burden” of being different, not the only one struggling with my huge secret. Amazing book, highly recommended.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Now, I can’t think of life before Google. But back then, the use of the BBS chat etc, was a huge factor in my growth/discovery/acceptance. Just talking with other people, then eventually going out and MEETING other people in real life, made a huge impact on the second part of my life.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Once I got online, started asking questions and learning things, it was much easier.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I live about half-way between New York City and Philadelphia, NYC being one of the largest gay communities in the entire country, and Philadelphia also having a huge gay community. However, in my state (NJ) there are only a few organizations available, which seems somewhat odd. There is a “Pride Center”, a large “activist” group which also offers support/social/activites/groups., and a couple of social, political, and health/mental health/support groups. The local universities/colleges have gay groups, but none very active as far as I can determine. There used to be a youth coming out/ support group, but its been disbanded due to the prevalence of the internet offering more resources. It seems, generally, that things have gotten somewhat less “active” due to the internet, and the way society has changed. Of course, in the two big cities, there are a lot of resources also. It would be nice to see a little bit more cohesiveness between various groups, and more easily accessible information, even online.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
(Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.)
I’ll mention the book again, The Best Little Boy In The World, which I believe took place in the 1970’s , and offers a pre-internet view. In the past, the only “resources” were gay bars, (and the problems inherent with that), or perhaps some stereotypical and unapproachable persons in the community. It was a very “underground” and inaccessible sort of thing. But for me, coming up into adulthood just as the internet took hold, has been a huge factor in the gay community. Of course, hand in hand with the internet making resources and information much more available, the gay rights movements have made much progress in the last, say, 15 years or so. The Internet has opened things up, and people can, for example, Google. Or chat in a gay chat room. (Which is both a good and a bad thing) Even people “coming out” can explore their desires, learn information, and just be able to talk (chat) with people from all over, with all sorts of experience and advice. That’s how it was for me, at any rate.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Oy. It’s a shame no one in the past did studies on rates of suicide for gay teens, etc. Of course, they wouldn’t have been able to FIND them, so…. Personally, I think I might have gone longer with not accepting myself, perhaps even stayed in the closet, or internalized things, or hidden my true thoughts.

What do you think your life would be like now?
Hard to contemplate those sort of questions. But, thankfully as I’ve mentioned, I’ve had a good ride so far. Not sure if I would have, if things had been different.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Actually, I think a lot of resources are very disjointed. Said above, I’d like to see more cohesiveness in the entire gay community, and even the gay internet community, as far as resources go. Things are fragmented – gay chat, gay classifieds (sex, etc) but also gay blogs, gay websites, gay magazines in the stores, reports in the media – things have become so prevalent in life its hard to NOT hear something about “gay” at least once a week in the mainstream media.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Nooooooooo. I hate little screaming children. LOL. Although, I sometimes do feel sad that I will be the last one of my family, there will be no future generation to carry on our name. Perhaps someday, adopting – provided they come packaged and ready to ship right off to college ha ha ha to avoid all the fuss.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No fake relationships. Unless I met a really hot chick. Ha ha. But no, probably adoption, never really gave much thought to surrogacy.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up an only child (with Mom). They were divorced when I was very young, and Dad was never much in my life. After 8th grade, I think I have seen him 3 or 4 times. Basically, I just kind of accepted that he was not part of my life, and that was that.

Has your mum had much of an influence on your life?
In fact a HUGE influence, but thats because she's insane. LOL.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Unfortunately no. One cousin may or may not be a lesbian, but we're leaning towards not. Shes just a spinster at this point. (And, for humor, my two gorgeous-twin-17-year-old-emo-boy cousins, are not. *sigh*)

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Sometimes, part of me can’t believe how much angst and stress and problems that people go through, even today, a new generation or two later in time. How people still have issues with coming out, pretending, denial, and even ignorance. It seems as if there is so much information at everyone’s fingertips today – Google alone – amazing wealth of resources. However as I mentioned earlier, I think there is still a lot of incohesive aspect to resources – you’d have to dig around to find some local things that would be of use. However, there are great online resources, and you can pretty much remain anonymous while you explore them. I think if people are really serious about seeking help, its easy to find a place to start.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Might have some comments later…


So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Based on the way I watch heteros behave, I think I would still want to be gay. But generally speaking, I am a unique person, no matter what/who I choose. Even though gay men are definitely perverted sex fiends (LOL) – there is not that “machismo” macho competitive age. In other words, gay men don’t behave like cavemen fighting over the women. Sure, some bitch slapping and heated words now and then, but generally speaking its not a base competition. On the flip side of the coin, of course, is the stigma and issues associated with being gay. Someone reasonable might say, gosh, look at all the things gay people have to suffer and endure, I rather “fit in” easily. To me, being unique is the most important – and I suppose I could do that whichever direction I chose. Of course another contradictory thought would be “well, gay people ARE normal we are just like everyone else” – but that’s opening a whole other can of worms and getting too complex. So, I guess what I am angling towards is, do we choose the easy path, or the difficult road, in terms of sexuality?

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
My coming out process went very smoothly, I don’t think I’d change much of anything since I really could not have asked for better circumstances, or less drama, or anything else. So, the IF part was already taken care of, wouldn’t make that any different.
The WHEN part. Well, wow, I guess I really wish I would have come out earlier – say, 9th grade or sometime in early highschool years. Mostly, because I would have saved myself 4 years of stress and frustration. I would have been better able to enjoy, and take advantage of, what in retrospect I truly believe were golden years. Living more comfortably with myself, having come out earlier, would have been a blessing.

I’d of course have come out to “everyone”. With a bang, perhaps?
I sort of hover in the middle as far as how I percieve myself to be. Most people say I am very straight acting (hell, I worked as a bouncer) and most people never even know I’m gay. Of course, my friends all say (in their own campy way) “oh well, gee, how could someone NOT know you are gay you’re so flaming and flamboyant?” However, at times it makes it difficult, in some way – I often want to shout out LOOK AT ME, I AM REALLY GAY, especially when I try and flirt (which I am not very good at) and it just goes right over some cute boys head, since he just assumes I’m str8. Does that make sense?

Also, I kind of dislike the term “str8 acting” since acting, is well, fake. Does that mean someone is consciously trying NOT to be campy/flamboyant? Putting on a different role? I think it really comes down to someone being self-assured of their own sexuality, and ideally not having to “express” it in any significant way. In other words, just being yourself.

On the other hand, I don’t really like to be campy. I’m not good at it either. I’m not very “gay” in terms of “gay things” in life – you might say I’m lacking my gay culture and couture. So, it also feels like I have to force myself to try and “act” a certain way, rather than just being myself.
Gosh this feels like some sort of philosophy exam or existentialism or something. Who am I? Why am I? J

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Well, I can’t really say for sure. I’ve grown up in the same state my entire life, basically. I have not traveled extensively, so I can only imagine or dream of other places. I would love to live someplace coastal. Especially Maine. I have a thing for Maine, even though I've only been there once, briefly. I think I really fit well with the temperament (as well as the climate) of the New England areas. Or someplace rural, a nice "small town America" with open space and farms and peace-and-quite. I could never, for example, imagine myself living someplace warm like Florida, although I do often think about someplace like California, sun and surf. Other worldwide destinations, not really thought of much.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Hmm. I can't imagine going backwards in time, being so used to modern convienences - like, what would I do without my internet connection?!!? But I suppose going way back to Medieval times would be exciting, I've always loved reading about that period in history. Or perhaps a nice refined existence in the Victorian period, or something in the 1800's and early 1900's. I also can't imagine going into the future, because the way things are shaping up, and the way society is going, the future seems pretty scary.


What would you choose to change about your parents?
Heh Heh. You can HAVE Mom. LOL just kidding, I love her dearly. I grew up without Dad, so I don’t really know how much different life would be had I had a father figure in life. As it were, Mom has tried her whole life to be Mom, Dad, friend, sibling, and provider to me. Tough job, perhaps she’s overcompensated just a tad !!! I suppose the ideal “American Dream” family (mom, dad, brother, sis, dog, cat, white picket fence, etc) has some appeal, if just for “normalcy”. But then, from everything I have seen, there is no such thing as normal when it comes to family.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
I doubt it. I enjoyed the privilege and rank of being an only child. Not coming from a wealthy family, I wouldn’t have had half the toys, half the love, or all of Mom’s attention!! So call me greedy, but I could not / would not want to – have shared my life with someone else.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Oy. Full cranial and facial reconstruction!!! Just chop off my head and start over, but plug my brain into the new one. I hate my looks, hate taking pictures. Recently, I don’t like my double chin, my receding hairline, or just the general look of my face at all. Of course, who I would choose to look like, or how… not sure.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
This is rather – personal and perhaps TMI. But. Well, lets start with losing 100 pounds, make that 120 pounds. That would eliminate a lot of the blubber and sagging fat. Get rid of the stomach, the man-boobies (but leave the nipples oh so sensitive!! – sorry, TMI), and the whale-thighs. I can deal without muscles. I could use some ummm… larger genitalia, to be polite. Oh, and recently I’ve become aware that my back is pretty hairy = gross. I’m a big-boned person (ha ha not like that) – I feel my bones are very strong and sturdy, so I do like that. And I do enjoy being TALL. If someone asks my “favorite” body part, for some reason I tend to like my calves. Except I’ve recently noticed a small spot of varicose veins. (Sigh) old age is coming fast, and the body is saying hey buddy, you passed 30 its all downhill from here.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Not so much personality traits, because I’m narcissitically in love with myself. But, I’d certainly choose to lose the mental issues – depression, bipolar, OCD, anxiety, DPD. I gues I’m rather self-centered, so that’s probably something that could be knocked off the platter.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Assertiveness. Definitely. That’s a big one that is sorely lacking.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I’m going to combine 11 and 12 here if that’s ok. I believe that the choices we have available, influence the decisions we make. Well, some of the time at least. We all make bad decisions, stupid decisions, idiotic mistakes, etc. But we learn from them. The two words overlap, you can substitute on for the other in many cases. We can “decide” to “choose” certain things in life, and that influences the course of our future. There is a lot of randomness in the world. I truly believe that, the whole chaos theory, butterfly effect, etc. I also believe in fate, mysticism, luck, and some superstitions, all of which play a part. There are a lot of times where we cannot choose (or decide), and are subject to the whims, actions, and effects of other people. I suppose, during the times we DO have choices to make, it does affect how we live our lives. Sorry, that ones kind of tough and I think I lost focus, couldn’t quite get the words out to make sense.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I’d probably either be in prison, or famous, or famously in prison!! J I’m going to state here “what I wish my life was like” at this time, not necessarily what I think it would be like.
I wish I had a more sucessful career path, stable and wealthier financial situation, and more exciting life. I wish I had a large circle of friends to invite to my nice neat house, for nice big dinners. I could splurge generously, live graciously, have a peaceful and relaxing life. A garden. A farm. A business of my own, which I would work incredibly hard at making sucessful, and making myself wealthy. Although not ridiculously wealthy. Wise decisions. Healthy mind and body and spirit. This is sort of free association. Fit, trim, handsome looking, but not gorgeous or vain. Self assured and confident. Ok, maybe extra-wealthy, but still prudent. Lots of material possessions, because lets face it, I’m not a monk. But yet simple and clean and orderly – not a lot of clutter in my mind, my house, my life. Dressed nicely (but not suit and tie – even if I had millions of dollars I’d refuse to wear them!!) and fashionable, but not obsessed with trendy fads. Busy, active, but not ever overwhelmed. Social, friendly, with close friends and lots of accquaintances. Private, circumspect, enjoying my privacy when I need it. And perhaps, having someone to care for in my life. Boyfriend? Lover? Houseboy? Master? Who knows – still developing thoughts on that.