An Interview With... Bob - cvn70

Bob is not the author of any blogs, but he does comment on a number of them (not on mine though. lol). You may have read his comments under the name cvn70. If anybody would like to contact Bob with follow-up questions, or to comment or something then you can reach him via email at: at2rjm@live.com

Please note that this was an email questionaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Age: 47

Occupation/Student: Presently and for the last seven years I have been self-employed as an Attorney, prior to that I worked as an engineering systems planner/analysist for a company called Raytheon, which is a major US Defense Manufacturer for almost 15 years.

Country and State/County: I live in the Massachusetts, USA

Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Things I like to do reading, being at the ocean, sailing boats especially over night somewhere or in races, being out in a storm, golfing, attending concerts and sporting events, watching sports, going charter fishing offshore in warm places, driving, snorkeling, comedy shows, staring at the stars, being awake all night, cooking food, and spending time with friends.

Likes/Dislikes. anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I like: my blackberry, music, reading a book rather then going to the movie, nice restaurants, helping people, the laws we live by for the most part, but then I am from Massachusetts, people who write blogs and myself, now
I dislike: all the hate in this world, being on public transportation, crowded places and roads, paying taxes for services I never receive, a team I favor losing, rude, uneducated and/or ignorant people who want to explain to me how I should live and whether I should have a right to exist at all, and working especially for people who cause their own problems.

Loves/Hates. anything again from people to pets, politics to religion, whatever:
I have been in love with two people who I have never told; I have loved having a dog and having several close friends
At times I hate being alone, but otherwise I gave up on hating anything else it is just to stressful.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
The only dream I have left to is to give up my present life and move to a warm climate, and then teach at a college. Maybe I even come out in this dream.

Aspirations: I used donate a certain amount of money to republican politicians every year but in the future I am going to give it to organizations to help gay/bi kids and support LGBT issues, organizations like the Trevor Project or the Lesbian Defense Fund, because I think I have been helping the wrong people in life, it was just the way o was raised to give to republicans.

Goals: I want to buy a home in Florida within the next ten years that I can use when I retire.

The questions...

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I wanted the people I leave comments too on their blogs and anyone who I do not talk as of yet to get to know me some and maybe find out some things about me because by reading your blogs I have learned a lot about each of you and the struggles you face.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
It is predetermined and we have no choice in our sexuality we get what we are dealt. I had no trauma I my life, no one raped me, my family had enough resources, there was none of the standard excuses I heard growing up in my life as to why people were gay I just was from the get go. If it was a choice I would have chosen differently and I tried to have sex with a friend and I could not do it with her so there is no choice involved for me.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In second grade, age 7, the rule was you had to go to the bathroom in pairs for whatever reason, well I always wanted to go with this kid Dana cause I was drawn to him and then after awhile I would want to be next to another boy and so on, but I did not know this meant I was “gay” until I was about ten when I understood it to be wrong and unacceptable.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
Realizing I was gay scared the shit out of me because every image in my mind that existed in the media or society in the early seventies was a terrible one and it simply was not what I had been told my life would be or part of what I was expected to accomplish. In some ways I have never really accepted being gay if accepting it requires you come out, as I have never come out to anyone in the real world and there are less than ten people on the internet who really know who I am as far as my identity.

It is clearly two different processes and I did not accept was going to be gay forever or that I could not change for years, I simply thought I was doing something wrong and I continued to look for ways but the longer I failed to change the more depressed I became and the more I would use drugs and alcohol to erase the pain for a little while.

So now I realize and accept that I am gay but I have always been worried since I was a kid about losing so much for something that I never asked for and whether that fear is rational or not it is and has been immobilizing to me.

Who are you "out" to (no names of course, just. family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Nobody in real life.

When do you plan on doing so (if ever)? To whom? And why/why not?
I have no plans to coming out at this time and for the foreseeable future. I have lived a long time like this and really do not know what would be gained. I feel that I would lose a lot of clients and income. Additionally, there are some complications surrounding my old job and if I wanted to reenter that field being out would make it impossible.

To be out I think I would have to move and possibly change professions to be out. I would want to remain self-employed because no one can fire you if you are the boss. Also feel like it is no one else’s business what I do and with whom at least I live with that rationalization.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Just putting up with crap that I do not have to put up with today and of course not having my family, friends and others I have known for along time to interact with me. Oh and then losing the life I want to live in and probably most of my income, all of which I realize maybe superficial to others but I do not want to or understand why I should give anything up.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
No I do not think so since I am out.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Absolutely none.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
For years I hated myself for not being able to change, I hated god for making me the way I am, I hated just the idea of admitting I was gay because that meant my life was over and I refused to accept it, so maybe if there were other people to confirm it was not my fault maybe I would not have driven some cars into things when was I so drunk that I could hardly stand and I probably would not have done so many drugs in an attempt to forget who I was . Maybe if I had someone to talk to and they told me it wasn’t me that was the problem I would have not hated myself too much and abused myself so much for a couple of years there, that is probably the biggest difference I think.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just "grin and bear" everything and hope you'll be okay?
I have never sought help, my parents sent me to a therapist once, it lasted three visits I just was not going to tell her anything.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Last September I discovered gay people on Youtube and then some of these blogs and they are the only people who I have ever talked too about being gay and yes I do find that helpful.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I have no idea as I have never sought any being closeted but I live near a major US city in a very liberal state so I believe there would be a lot of them.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
No I would not use them as I think you have to be out to feel comfortable belonging or visiting such an organization.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90's?
Growing up as a kid without the internet meant being alone, absolutely fucking all alone. I used to wonder if I was the only person who had these feelings; why can’t I find anyone, even to talk to you about it; why can’t I change like they say; can anyone tell I am gay; did I look at someone to long; and why does everyone hate what I am for something I did I not want, cause and could not change.

But now with the internet and Youtube especially you can see other gay people and you know what, they look like everyone else. You can actually in real time type a message and some other gay person at the other end responds. You can find people who genuinely care about you just because we are all gay and bi or even the lesbians are nice people to talk too, that’s all though. The internet has given people the ability to get in touch, lend support and care for each other when needed.

Anyone who reads AJ Ramblings, Mirrorboy’s blog or Matt’s blog knows exactly how the internet has changed things. For a comparison read or even watch “Prayers for Bobby” (lifetime network Jan. 24, 2009) about a kid who grew up without help and before the internet, it will give some of the younger guys and non US people a glimpse into what it was like to belong to a religious family in the states before the internet.

I personally did not cope well as I lived with drugs and alcohol for several years; it wasn’t until I went to college when I really stopped abusing myself.

If you grew-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today and the difference in society's attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
If I had had the internet I think I would at least of grown up knowing other “normal and gay” people existed and that single fact would have made a huge difference. I would have known it was ok to be gay and maybe it was a difficult life ahead of me but I would have not been as afraid of facing it every day, if I could have known other people. The career choices I made probably would have been similar but maybe I would have put more efforts into helping other GLBT people out.
I can not speak for others societies but at least American society changes slowly. As the world has now seen things in America change but not without money and peoples efforts. Change in America comes through our courts if it to last permanently and I hope every young person today sees nothing but positive changes and freedoms they want and more importantly deserve.

I recently read in a blog of a young Australian, that the American president is the world’s president well if that is true then I think a day will come in his lifetime that an American president can announce that our supreme court has declared that GLBT people have access to all the freedoms granted each American and that his announcement will go a long way to ensuring every person in every other country has those same rights.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The only resource I have used is you want to call it that is the internet and then these blogs and youtube.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Yes, quite frankly safer is a nice word but hiding has allowed me to participate in things, earn a good living and not be persecuted.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
At this point no I am too old and used to living alone. When I was younger I was disappointed with the fact I could never be a parent. Gay adoption was not possible where I live until the last ten years and it is not allowed in all the states.

Would you enter into a "fake" straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No I could not be in a “fake” relationship; I think it would be too hard to be in a relationship without love and caring. Children are nice but not worth that.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up in a nice town on a quiet tree lined street in a neighbor hood full of professional people who had lots of kids to play with during an era when your mother stayed home all day and Dad went o work. My parents were both were well meaning people if not driven, with Dad a single child and retired Military officer and my mother, who made sure everything, ran smoothly at the home(s). Every summer the last week of June after little league ended we packed up and moved to Cape Cod for the rest of the summer.

I have one brother and had three sisters all college educated. I lived a comfortable and protected life growing up. In my family though you knew you were going to college from early on and you were expected to succeed in sports and well anything you did. We were Catholics and my parents went to church regularly and I went to catholic schools for most of my education. My family owned a sail boat and we all learned to sail. Mom thought learning to play golf and tennis would help us in life so we were trained. We were going to be well rounded and ready for anything in life.

Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
Influence or lack there of maybe better because by the time I was becoming a teenager it was not unusual for me not to see either one of them for weeks or so at a time, especially during the summer months. And by the time I was sixteen and had a license it was easy to avoid them for weeks at a time. Here is what I understood in life, my dad who I wanted to please more was just a bright hard working guy who earned a good living. My mom who I loved dearly, it was from her family where our family money was derived and well she knew that and would never let you forget it. Both influenced me profoundly in different ways but both demanded a certain way of life leading to a successful career.
I do not believe that the environment factors in at all on your being gay.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
I have no gay relatives that I am aware of.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
You are under no pressure to make any announcement about being gay to anyone. You in my opinion are entitled to be raised properly by your parents with as much support and care as they give each of your siblings. Come out when and if you want to and to whom you want too. You are an important person and you have the right to exist in this life.

That you will find no help in doing drugs as I have tried in my life and it does not bring happiness. Alcohol has good uses but if you drink too much or mix it with drugs even prescription drugs you are asking for trouble.

Do not beat yourself up for being gay/bi or whatever as I wasted a lot of my life hating myself and it is a long life we are living so get prepared. Go to school and get good grades, go to a college or university and pick a career or a trade where you can be self-employed as it is legal to layoff gay people in some US states without cause. Take care of yourself, as if no one else will.

Talk to someone about what you feel and it really can be anyone you trust because each and every one of us is a good person who should be able to live and enjoy life. Unfortunately it took me a while to figure that out on my own.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?:
Thanks for letting me participate.


So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would choose to be straight, it was what I wanted to be in the first place and being a teenager in the seventies in the states life was just so lonely and draining emotionally as you tried to keep the secret and coming out was not even an option if you wanted accepted by the part of society I grew up in and still wanted to live anything resembling a normal life.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
I have always been straight acting and a jock so I would not change that as I enjoy playing sports even today. I would not have gone into the navy after high school because I thought it would be a good place to go to get away from having to go to college with my childhood friends, as it just became too much to be around them; and the thought of having to participate in college life at the time and not being able to tell them was too much for me so I wanted out of my life for a while. Let’s say for a minute that my answer to question one was to be gay then I wish I had given a couple of my childhood friends I still know today the opportunity to know I am gay when I was young.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No I grew up in a nice community with lots of history and opportunities. I was afforded an easy life from a financial perspective where if I did all that was expected of me the end result would be a successful person, plus I had a good proximity to schools, great history, a revolving climate and a diverse life in New England.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
If I am still gay then yes, I would like to be born yesterday to allow for even greater change in society’s attitudes and laws to become more favorable. If not then no I think we all get opportunity to live a life and the when of living it, if you are straight isn’t material to what period of years you live said life because except for the names and styles we are living for the most part our lives and society change little in a span of decades.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
Well my first inclination might have been to have them accept me as I am but that would not have been enough just to be accepted by them; someone would have had to tell my friends it was ok to be my friend; the guys on the football team someone would have had to educate them that I was not interested in like 97 % of them; and someone had to tell the church I went too that I could not change no matter what they said, so just changing my parents attitude towards acceptance would have been enough.

So in practical terms then for my mother not to have smoked cigarettes because then she might be still around complaining about life in Florida and for my father maybe just once you could have turned down a job and spent some more time around the house.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
I was blessed with three sisters and one brother; I had a sister eight years older, a brother who is six years older, a sister who is two years older and a sister who is a year younger than me. For my oldest I would change that she took better care of herself as she died from diabetes early in life, She also gave my first joint, Quaalude, line of coke, hit of micro dot, etc; she went to high school during the era of sex, drugs, and rock and roll and she brought it all home for us to enjoy. She introduced me to the concept of the keg party and drinking games at the age of 11. Not to pick on her alone as my brother kept the party rolling when she went off to college so you see drinking and drugs were prevalent in my family and when your parents travel a lot or aren’t in the house you are in, it is easy to have a party so also I would have been a lot happier if they never brought drugs and alcohol into my early life. The reason being is how long I spent taking some of them; relying on them and of course the results of taking to many and drinking too much.

Other than that I have three surviving siblings and we all get along for the most part and every one works or is supported by their spouse so at this point there is nothing much I would change about them.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would get rid of the scar I have in my right eyebrow from a car accident because it reminds me of the car accident every day I look at it and I would like to have 20/20 vision so I do not have to wear glasses. My hair would be less thick because I could never let it grow long it just never looked good long.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be 25 – 30 pounds lighter, 10 – 12.5 kilos I think and because I would look better.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Because I have the benefit of age I have gotten rid of a lot of traits which I did not find productive over the years but sometimes I begin to talk about a subject before I had heard the whole story, from a speaker, so I would like to stop that because it irritates people, especially clients.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
I wish I had more tolerance for people and their actions that displease me because I have learned that it is rare my anger helps a situation resolve. I wish I had more patience with people in general and then maybe I would have a better understanding of their positions. I wish I had tried to meet more people in life rather live in a cloud of life for years and maybe I would have achieved more in life.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I agree with the position that our lives are dictated by the choices we make in life. With the premise being; that being gay and society’s negative reaction to being gay is out of our control; then yes I have lived a life dictated by my choices, but those choices were limited as I saw them by being gay. I did have the ability to choose other paths in life but those paths I felt would have led to less productive and fulfilling life then the one I am now living. Because I have always had trouble accepting being gay, a choice of mine, I have never been happy through a lot of my life and at times was very destructive to my own self mostly because of what I believe I am missed out on in life and I believe being gay wasn’t fair to me, so those were all choices I made but I made them without any information other than what I hard around me, without others to talk too and with my own safety and needs in perspective.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Choices I see are more global in definition so for each that exist choice exists then it complicates the decision process you have weave to reach a decision. An example of this a person who has multiple modes of transportation if he has five modes then he has five choices to make a decision from but if only has three modes then he has to make a decision from fewer choices, so he decision process is reduced and his ability to decide which choice to make is limited. But a choice is clearly something a decision is based upon an analogous to each other.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
If I was straight I would have hope to have a family which would give me someone to grow old with, I would probably make more money and have more debt because I would have cared more about making money to support a family. I would not have worried about some one or something outing me in life and that would have created a more relaxed life. I would not have been so mad and upset with myself for not being able to change from being gay to straight as I was led to believe was possible also preventing years of self medication and abuse. I would probably live in the same area and have many of the same friends because I like where I grew up and the friends I grew up with.