An Interview With... Jake - The Soul Borrower.

Jake is the author of The Soul Borrower blog and although he's a student he also works in the catering trade, at a hotel. He speaks German and some French, and I'm sure I read that he is planning on studying Dutch next.

Jake is also looking for volunteers (preferably from Canada and Europe) to answer some questions on Healthcare in your country. Please help him if you can, and you don't have to be a blogger either. If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Introduction...

Age: 19
Occupation/Student: Student
Country and State/County:Nebraska, USA
Gay/Bisexual/Confused:Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes: Computers, Reading, martial arts, photography, music, movies

Likes/Dislikes… anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I like a lot of different kinds of foods and I like trying different things. My favourite food would have to be the Turkish Doener Kebap. My least favorite is definitley sushi, or anything fishy :) I like all kinds of music except rap/hip hop. My favourite would have to be international music (broad i know). I like all kinds of films, except Chick Flicks. There's a bold line between Chick Flicks and Dramas though, which I like.

Loves/Hates… anything again from people to pets, politics to religion, whatever:
I am an atheist. I don't like religion fanatics who can't accept that. I think that people have the right to believe in whatever they like, but that they shouldn't prosecute others for their beliefs. I like talking politics. But again, I can't stand people who won't let people believe in what they want. I like to hear different points of view.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I want to live in Europe again. I lived in Germany for 6 months and would go back in a heartbeat. I would love to find a job where I can relax, travel, and really not do much. I guess what I really want is to win the lottery because I don't think any job has what i'm looking for.


The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I don't mind revealing my secrets. You will be the first for many of them.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it could be a combination of both. I think it has more to do with the way you are raised, and/or the way your life has been played. I think that this question is impossible to answer for sure, simply because we will never have the chance to go back and do it all over again.

When did you realise that you were gay?
I'm not sure. I've always known that I like boys a lot better. As long as I can remember (Age 7 or 8 maybe) I've always marvelled at other boys rather than girls. I had my first sexual experiences when I was about nine and through the age of 10. This one kid in my class and I fooled around a lot, but never to any real extreme. Shame :( Strange thing in relation to the question above: He claims very strongly to be straight. I wish I could muster up the courage to ask him about it. I suppose I've known since then that I was gay.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
They are very different indeed. I don't know that I've accepted it entirely. I feel very strongly about boys/men (the distinction between men/boys would have to be 16 to 20, as that is my 'preference') and have absolutely no attraction to females. I have many of them as good friends, but never as a girlfriend. I do hate it though that I never have the courage to talk to any gay people or even date any gay person.

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
I'm fairly certain that most of my family knows. My collection of photos and pics has been discovered on more than one occasion ...grrr. None of my friends know. I only have 1 really close friend and it scares me to think what he would say or do if I told him. He occasionally makes gay slurs and I don't think our relationship would ever be the same if I came out to him. There are only a couple of my former school mates who know. They are the ones I worked with during a summer job. I must have been flaming or something, because half way through the summer one of them asked me if I was gay. He put me right on the spot and asked me right in front of 10 other guys. God that sucked. I've been asked a few times in my life if I was gay, and each time I can't say "No I'm not". I just can't lie to myself like that.

How difficult was that for you?
Saying yes is very simple. But in the situation above, it took about 5 very long seconds that seemed to last a lifetime. But I said yes. It was very difficult, but after saying it....major relief. Relief that I've never felt before. I also told a teacher, one that I've been friends with for 10+ years. That was actually easier. But again, major relief.

What reactions did you receive?
The guys that I was working with didn't really care. There was one that was freaked out, probably because he thought I was going to bend him over the the tailgate of the truck we were in :) That day the tension was very thick, but after that, no one really cared, or mentioned it again. It was surprisingly easy.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I'd say positive. It was really the first giant leap. And it was really nice not to lie about being gay for once.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I don't know. I always thought that I wanted to have a family. I've always wanted to have a white picket fence house, 2 or 3 kids, a loving spouse to come home to. The American Dream so to say. But not in America. I would want to raise kids in a different country, watch them grow, take them to school everyday, go to their school events, watch them go to college, and get married. The thing is, I don't like kids under 6 or so. This is the biggest dilemma. I would love to adopt, but a feeling deep down inside tells me that it isn't my child. If i could have my own child(ren) and name them and raise them myself and skip the first 7 years or so, I Would. What I really want is a spouse that likes to do the same things I do, but isn't a sex crazed maniac.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to father your own children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I would never enter into a fake straight relationship, but adoption and surrogacy are definitley options I would consider. Moreso adoption than surrogacy.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I lived with both my parents growing up. My mom and dad had both been married once before, and my sister is actually my half sister. My dad adopted her when he married my mom.

Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
Neither, they were both influential – if you could call it that. Since I started working at age 11 I can stay my co-workers and ‘older friends’ were much more influential.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Not that I know of.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
I really haven't experienced any prejudice myself, yet.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
The first site I ever stumbled upon was this one: http://www.angelfire.com/blues/dnfire/dnindex.htm . Its an autobiography of a formerly gay/bi boy/man. He tells his story growing up and I really learned a lot from it. I've read through all of his 'memories' and wish day in and day out that I would have had experiences like that. Another site I always loved was JackinWorld. When MSN Chat was still around, there were a lot of preteen and teen gay chat rooms (it's been probably 7 years or so since MSN stopped their Chat Rooms). I always found ways to find a lot of other people and 'info' so to say.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I've always hoped that something good would happen to me. That I would meet some young hunk in the locker room and have steaming hot sex in the sauna, but all I've done is hope. I really haven't seized or looked for any opportunity, and I regret that the most. I've still got a lot of life in front of me, but I feel as if many opportunities have been lost.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
No there really aren't any local organizations. When I was in High School we had a Gay-Straigh-Alliance club, but it was really a false hope for most. I hate school organizations, mainly because it takes dedication to people that I don't even know, and can't relate to.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I would probably be too embarassed. I don't think this is a fair question as I've never had the opportunity.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
I think that the Internet is every gay persons saving grace but at the same time, their doom. With the internet, you are able to learn about gay people, and get support, but I think for too many people, and for myself it has become a safe haven where I will never be able to get out actually meet someone.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
I think it would have been better honestly. I wouldn't be a porn addict, or as reliable on the internet as I am now. I wish that I could use it less and less, but I find it hard. Sure, it would have sucked to be secluded with nowhere to go, but I think that technology is too far advanced, and it has lead to a very materialistic society.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Chat Rooms: meeting people who are in the same position as you are. But also websites like Mogenic.com and gayhelp.de are also very good resources.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Absolutely. But anonymity can only bring you so far. I like to meet new people and I don't especially like it when people lie to me about themselves: therefore I try not to myself.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Carpe diem. You only live once. Live your preteen and teen years to the fullest, simply because you are only a child once. I found out that after High school, you basically can start a new life. Don't be afraid to fuck up. Take chances. I wish i did.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
I think another cool question for all the interviewees would be If you could go back in time and do it all over again, would you? Perhaps a question for the next part.

Lol. And as if by magic...

Based on your life to date as a gay teenager, and If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.


Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I don't think this is a very plausible question. Right now, since I am attracted to males, there is no way in hell that I would want to be straight. I don't find females in the least sexually attracting. However if I were 'normal' than I would obviously favor the female form. If I had had a choice, than I would still choose to be gay, simply because the idea of having any relations with a female, sexual or not, completely freak me out.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)?
I would have chosen to come out much sooner. I am still not out to a majority of people, but after I outed myself, the relief was so amazing.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
I don't know. Growing up, I always hated living in this town, and to some extent I still do. I would have loved to live somewhere a little more liberal with a lot more opportunities. Growing up, my parents were typical Nebraskans. They gave us quite a lot of things but didn't really show us new things. I played soccer as a kid and martial arts (which I am still somewhat involved with) but I wish I had done something a little less traditional: Gymnastics, swimming, or maybe even ballet. I just wish my childhood hadn't been so typical as that of the many other kids in my class. Now i just think it's too late to really start anything new.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
No, I think that I lived my life thus far in a perfect time period, convieniently wedged between knowing all the new AND old technology, yet a time period that is accepting enough not to lynch Gays as a saturday evening activity. I think of the kids just a few classes below me and think that they don't even know what it's like to live, go to school, and go to work without a cell phone. Yet, I can't imagine living without the computer in the 50s where people did things like fishing, playing, and family activities to pass the time. *Shivers*

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I would want my parents to be more involved in my life. Right now, they both work, come home, plop down in front of the tv and do absolutely nothing. This may sound contradicting to the previous question, but I wish we did things like family game nights, or went to movies together. I wish my parents were cool enough that I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with them. I wish we would have had an activity that we could have done together.

My parents are very lazy and like their routine. Sadly I, nor my brother or sister were much involved in this daily routine. I think this is mainly due to the fact that my parents are obese. They are each about 150 lbs over weight. This is the main reason why I don’t like to be seen with my parents. They have to be specially accommodated in many places and situation. I just try to avoid them now as much as I can. I wish it would have been different.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
I wish that I weren’t a twin. My entire life I was always been known by my last name and the word twins. The ***** Twins. Not until I was about 15 or 16 was I really known as an individual person, and still there are many people that still refer to us as such. Now that my brother has moved out, we are closer than we were before, but I would have been happier if he didn’t even exist, or one of us was significantly older. Selfish, I know. But that’s the way I feel.
It’s the same way with my sister. We get along tons better now that she has her own house and family.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
My hair. I’ve always had terrible hair. For the longest time I had really long hair, that until I looked at photos, thought was always really cool. I liked how it felt. I still like long hair, just not nearly as long as it was. I hate looking at people who have awesome hair and think: damn you.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I wish I weighed a whole lot less. Up until I was about 12 I was as skinny as a rail. After that I shot up to being 250lbs and have been steady ever since. I’ve tried to lose the weight, but will-power is lacking. I never thought that I looked attractive, face or body, but then again I’ve never been at a proper weight.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
I like my personality pretty much as it is, but I would like to be less cautious.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Nothing really in addition to, I'll probably think of something after this is posted.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Absolutely. I think that each and every choice we make effects our lives in drastic ways. I am also a strong believer of the butterfly effect. (Google it. Go ahead, do it.) Many choices that I made as a kid got me to where I am today. I started working at the age of 11. Some days I wish that I hadn’t started working at such a young age. But doing so has given me a very strong work ethic, and I don’t think I would ever change anything about my working career. If it were possible to see what it would have been like it I hadn’t had a job for so long I would, but I wouldn’t necessarily take it.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
You can’t have one without the other. I just wish that I had had more choices to decide upon.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I like to think that life would have been better. But then again, it may be that I would just want to change something else. I don’t think there is such a thing as perfect. I might have been happier, I may not have.

I don’t believe in Heaven, so I don’t think that I’ll ever find out. If there was a chance to do it all over again I definitely would.