An Interview With... Ken - FENCE RIDER

Ken is the author of FENCE RIDER blog. He enjoys photography, fishing and the beach. I believe he's a Sci-Fi and Fantasy fan too.

Please visit his blog at the above link.

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting. I found it fascinating.

Introduction...

Name: Ken Johnson
Age: 59
Occupation: Retail support
Country and State/County: USA,NC, Dare
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Gardening, photography, fishing, doing good for others, and walking the dogs. I live on a golf course, next to the ocean. If your not familiar with the outer banks of North Carolina, it’s a long sandbar along the coast. . My county is 100 miles long and a half mile wide, with water on both sides. My rent is cheap. I am only two miles from work.

Likes/Dislikes:
I like a beer before bed, pain free days, pretty flowerbeds, and good landscaping. blond haired young men.
I dislike pushy women who want to be my girlfriend.

Loves/Hates:
I love hugs and how dogs can love so forgivingly.
I hate rejection.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I have given up on most of my dreams. I just try to get through the day without building up any false expectations with other people. I have no goals cept maybe to find the energy to spend more time on the beach this summer with a camera.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I would like to express my feelings. If only I understand them better, then it is good.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think along the way in life minor choices were made that influenced our preference. Early on bi is possible, later this will cause serious conflicts and a choice will be made. I don't believe we are predetermined. we start developing preferences at an early age then we follow a course of action to satisfy those preferences.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In the 5th grade I developed a non-physical relationship with a friend of my older brother. We became close. I really was in love with him. He could have had his way with me anytime.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I did not want to accept early on. I feared rejection and consequences. I married a girl with a boyish face, a miserable 8yrs. When that was over, Aids came out. Fear of Aids drove me deeper in the closet. I believe I accept it now. I know what my preference is. I now have religious convictions and am struggling with what choice to make. I am a strong believer. I am not a joyous christian. Health issues and male menopause have all but taken away sexual ability.

Who are you “out” to?
I am out to only a few close friends who are mostly gay women, and a few young men who I have blundered in upon when they were having sex in the mens room. They deny they're that way and reject me. We were good friends before the incident. Now if anybody was to ask I would say" yes I am gay." It would be just as easy as saying "yes I am a christian". This is not a conflict for me. I know I am not perfect. I know I am forgiven.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
I came out when I was suffering heartbreak over a broken relationship and I needed someone gay to talk to. It was not hard, they didn’t say it but they knew all along. My heartache broke down the barriers.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
I came out by the circumstances in the previous answer. I am blessed that past work experiences have given me many openly gay friends whose kindness I will forever appreciate. I think mom has known since the fifth grade, she was harsh then but has suffered in silence ever since.

What reactions did you receive?
Nothing but kindness.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I was greatly relieved that I didn't have to continue the lie anymore.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I fear my church family. I separate my two lives. I guess there I can never come out of the closet. That’s unfair, church is a family place. People are rightly concerned about their children.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I fear my church, they would place sanctions on me if I was "out" there. This has to be worked on. I am not a pedophile. The "straight" parents won't want me around the children if I come out there. I'm dealing with my own heart here.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
I was an army brat. There was nothing in the sixties for support. 'Homo's" were only old perverts back then. It did not happen in the schools. Gay teachers, like my high school wrestling coach, were just transferred instead of prosecuted. Nobody wanted to make it public. It just didn't exist.


What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
I have had to deal with my feelings entirely alone. when I was young contact with other gay boys was to scary even though I lived in Wash dc suburbs. the gay places were way to scary.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I always took the grin and bear it route. I am a Vietnam war vet decorated for valor on the battlefield. My feelings scared me more than battle. I never had anyone I felt I could talk to.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I live in a small town. The gay community here is very transparent. There is a large HIV+ group here but they have only the county health department to help them.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There is only a battered women's shelter here run by the gay women.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I could go in now. Not too long ago I would cross the street to avoid it.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
I don't know. Outside of this survey, I have only used the internet as a source of gay porn. I think there are a lot of bloggers, who use the internet to express their gay feelings anonymously.


If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think if more positive resources had been available I might have broken through the barrier much earlier. That was also in the pre-AIDS time. I know AIDS, early on, took a large toll on the gay men's population, all the openly gay men I knew at the time disappeared. Maybe my problem was I never met the right guy early on. I knew some but they never survived the war.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet is a good medium. It has avenues of self expression with encouragement. It has support links, entertainment, and avenues for personal growth.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
The net allows some anonymity, but in the long run you only hide from yourself.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
They were both around. I rebelled from them both pretty equally. I spent more time with mom so I respect her the least. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Dad never did anything with me except addict me to cigarettes at an early age. He blamed me for difficulties he had in his career path. Mom was stuck trying to mold and shape me, I rebelled and was running the streets by the time I was twelve years old. Dads military career, and the baby boomer thing, caused me to be shuffled around a lot. I was in a different school every year from the fourth grade on. I have never been any good at forming relationships.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Not that I know of except maybe my son. He has avoided me for the last ten years. He will be thirty this year and still lives at home with his mom and step dad. My nephew once expressed gay feelings when he had to much wine. He also is near thirty and still lives at home.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
I had one. I would only like to have a better relationship with my own children.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I enjoyed being a dad. I was not a joyous spouse. At church I have enjoyed being a surrogate grandfather.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
I would say break loose. You are the source of your own misery. The world is far more liberal now. The community is much bigger. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will open.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Fear of rejection has left me old and tired. Don't follow my ways.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would still want to be gay. I prefer the beauty of the male body. I would hope the second time I would not be so hindered by fear.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa?(List as many as you want to)
I wish I could have come out earlier.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
I would only like a different place because this place is very closeted. I like the totally laid back atmosphere of the beach.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would like to be a younger age, but this time period is the right one to be in.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they hadn't blamed me for my conception.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Siblings are cool when you get older.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would like my hair to be blond again, and a little fuller. Vanity.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be in shape. It would be healthy and more attractive.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Being timid, lacking self confidence, being suspicious of other peoples motives.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Outgoing, and spontaneously friendly.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes, every choice we make has consequences. These consequences are the forces that affect our course in life. Every consequence leads to more choices.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is to choose between two things. A decision is to pick one of the choices then to follow through all the consequences.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I would be in a long relationship with someone from my youth. We would have a comfortable business. Life would not have been so full of it's terrible ups and downs. I also would not be wasting so much time on the internet.