Losing My Religion.

This post (and others that will follow) are predominantly about my relationship with my Father and my brother Tom, how our relationships have affected me even to this day. There will be stuff about religion, discipline, sibling rivalry, love, hate, shame, neglect, oppression, hope etc; and I'll try to minimise the amount of posts if I can, but once I start rambling...Lol.

So here goes...

My dad was a devout Roman Catholic and attended Mass and Confession/Holy Communion religiously (no pun intended), he was Irish but had lived in England since he was a boy. Even so, he still had that infamous Irish temper even though he didn't really drink then. The drinking came much later, and although I suppose he was a "happy" drunk his anger would flare up and the violence would ignite (more about that later). My mum is Jewish so she never attended Mass with us. There was a fourteen year age gap between my parents (my mum being the younger).

From as early as I can remember we were "dragged along" to church every Sunday morning, rain or shine. If mum thought one of us was too ill to go out she literally had to beg my dad not to take us. He always relented but was not happy about it, then again he was rarely happy anyway.

Their bedroom had loads of religious icons on the walls and dressing table. I don't know if this bothered my mum, but it wouldn't have made any difference if it did. He was boss!!!

Now I'm not religious at all, sure I had to go to Mass and I had to say my prayers every night and every morning when I was growing up. I had to attend Confession/Holy Communion but that was a farce in itself. Tom and I were forced to go through this when I was about fourteen and him thirteen. We didn't want to and we told our dad that. We'd also asked him in the past if we could stop going to Mass. We thought that we should be given the choice whether we wanted to attend or not. We were only there because we had no choice at the time, and forcing us to go wouldn't make us believe. In fact it may make us resent the Church/God later. This made him really angry and of course the answer was that we would continue to go as long as we were living under his roof.

So, when it came to my first Confession I was literally shitting myself. The thought of having to tell the priest/God all my sins was terrifying, I felt physically sick.
I mean, by this age I'd known for years I was gay and I'd had gay sexual experiences with two friends too. Did my dad really think I was going to blurt all this out, regardless of it being said in a confessional and that it was "privileged" information?...I think not!!!! And besides, to confess all of my "sins" would've taken like... forever. I'd have needed a couple of gallons of tea and a dozen rounds of sandwiches for the amount of time I would have been in there.

So I just said stuff like: I was rude to my parents, I swore at a teacher, I fought with my brother, I broke some body's window and ran away etc. (I'll probably go to hell just for lying in Confession, but hey ho!)
The thing is, I remember sweating profusely whilst confessing, feeling like He knew that I was lying and would punish me for yet another sin (maybe he has already, maybe that's why I've never had somebody to love or somebody to love me, who knows?)

Anyway, it was many years after that I was finally able to stop attending Mass etc; and that was only because it suited my dad at the time.
I've never been to Mass since and that's because of the following reasons:

1] Being forced to go when I was young really pissed me off.
2] My prayers were never answered.
3] In my teens too many hypocrites (in my opinion) attended Mass and came across as nice people inside the church, but then went straight to the pub (or Church Social Club) and got drunk. There were arguments and fights (and not just between the men), piss-taking and general disrespecting of people. Some even went home and beat their wife and/or kids.

I was taught that to be "Christian" was to be kind, helpful, thoughtful, neighbourly and the rest (for any Non-Christians who may read this: I mean no offence,it's what I was taught but not what I believe)...but all I could see was a lot of drunken Irishmen, my dad included, who seemed to care about nothing except how many more pints or shorts they could drink before chucking-out time.

There's a quote I like, I don't who said it but it's:

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a garage makes you a mechanic!"

That rings very true to me, based on my own experience. By the way, I have nothing against Irishmen. My local church's congregation used to be made up almost entirely of Irishmen (the 11am Sunday Mass was anyway), so that's why I saw so many.

All of the above is probably secondary to how I was (mis)treated/disciplined, or how I felt that I was starved of love, affection and encouragement as a child, teenager and young adult by my dad.
I'll go into that in a future post where the opening will be the following quotes from the Bible:

"He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes."

(Proverbs 13:24)

"Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with a rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell."

(Proverbs 23:13-14)

All I will say at the moment is that my skin was no stranger to my dad's hands or his bamboo cane lol!!

Take care,

Col

Sorry about the block of text at the end but I'm having problems editing...again!!

Volunteering update.

Hi guys,

I just received a phone call from the volunteer lady to say that she's still waiting to hear from her colleague at the GBLT drop-in cafe. As everybody only works part-time it can sometimes be quite a long wait.

However, she also went on to say that she was going to be cheeky and ask me if I would be interested in being her own support assistant, on a volunteer basis of course. Apparently after our two telephone conversations last week she got the impression that I was a confident person (probably because I wouldn't give up lol) and she felt that I would be suited to the position.

As I said in my introduction to blogging, I am very confident in work situations...face to face and telephone...just not in social situations.
So, I am meeting with her tomorrow morning to discuss things and learn about the role. This doesn't mean I'm giving up on volunteering with a GBLT group, in fact, she said that if I was working there I could look for those openings myself lol.

Looking forward to it and I'll update as and when.

Now, what am I going to wear?? It will probably take me an hour to decide lol!!


Take care,
Col

Volunteering.

Hi guys,

After my rant on Wednesday (for which I apologise, I was just feeling really down at the time), I had a comment from Aron which basically said: Stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your arse and go volunteer. Do something useful instead of moping around all day.

Musicbuff agreed with him...thanks guys!!!

So, on Monday I had already began searching on the internet for local GBLT organisations that I could volunteer with, but to no avail. There was nothing in my area and because of my limited budget I couldn't afford to travel. I was pissed off to say the least, and I think it actually contributed to my foul mood for the next couple of days.

After reading my comments on Wednesday however, I got up on Thursday and thought "Fuck this shit!! I'm not giving up. I want to, and need to, do this!!"
I was in a much better mood than the previous day because I was really looking forward to sorting this out.
So I phoned one of the organisations (non GBLT) in my area and told them I wanted to volunteer. The guy said he'd see what was available. Whilst he was looking at his monitor(?) he asked my age. I told him and then he said "Oh right, we'll we can cross that one off then, and that one, and that one too!! Sorry I don't have anything." Then there was silence. I couldn't believe it, apparently they're crying out for volunteers but they don't have anything, or anything for somebody my age at least!
I didn't let it go and asked if he could give me the names and numbers of any other local organisations. This he did.

I checked out the organisations and decided to contact one that covered the entire district, not just my area.
I spoke to a lady and gave her the same info; age, wanted voluntary work with the GBLT community if possible etc. and we arranged for an informal interview next Tuesday.

I was so happy, it was amazing how much my mood had changed/lifted simply because I felt I would soon have a purpose during my search for work.

I received another comment from Aron early that evening, and it read:

"So, did you grasp the nettle today?" (I had to laugh, how cheeky is that??)

I hope my reply surprised him, he was probably thinking I'd been moping around all day...again.

Anyway, I went to bed still feeling happy that night, even though I still didn't sleep any better...Lol.
I got up today in a geat mood too, I was going to be helping Dick with some DIY. Nothing great about that I know, but it meant I was doing SOMETHING, and we had a good laugh doing it anyway!

Then, around 3.30pm I felt really deflated. The volunteer lady phoned me to say she had to cancel our appointment and she hadn't been able to find anything in the area either.
So, not wanting to give up I said that as long as it wasn't too far, because of the expense, I would be willing to travel further afield. She went on to explain that as a volunteer any travel expenses are paid anyway...Woot Woot!! It was on again!!
She knows of a GBLT drop-in cafe in a large coastal town, not too far away, that may have something. So she is going to contact the person who runs it and get back to me early next week.
I'm not going to hold my breath that there'll be something available there, and I've also told her that I will do something regardless of the outcome. I've got many years of retail management experience so I don't mind putting hours in at a charity shop. I don't give a shit what it is to be honest.

So, I'm back in a happy mood.
I will be volunteering in some way or other.
Whether directly or indirectly, I will be helping others.
It's a good way of meeting new people and networking...might find a job...Lol.
When I do find a full-time job I will still do voluntary work, even if it means a different kind.

I'm so excited...I just can't fucking wait!!!!

*Fingers crossed*

Col

p.s. Thanks Aron & Musicbuff!!! I needed that push...Lol.


A few random bits:
Between the ages of six and thirteen I grew up with two people from the following famous (well, famous in the UK...LOl) bands - Depeche Mode, Yazoo, Erasure, The Assembly.

I nearly always have to have my feet outside of the duvet, even in the depths of winter. They get so hot it feels like they're going to explode...what a freak!

I've never sprained/broken any bones.

Apart from having my tonsils removed when I was four or five, I've never had any other surgery.

I wish I could play the piano.

Reasons and stuff.

Hi guys,

I haven't posted for a while for the following reasons:

As you may know I am a very emotional guy, I cry at the drop of a hat at both sad and happy stuff...books, movies and recently BLOGS!

I follow fifteen blogs at the moment (with another three that I check on regularly), and they are all full of such emotion a lot of the time that I get overloaded with it all. I wish that I could detach myself from my feelings but it's just not possible.
If you couple all these emotions with long time Insomnia (since I was a teenager) you can imagine how my sleep, or lack of it, has been. (Edit: Not Hypochondria as stated in original post...Duh!)
One night, two weeks ago, I went to bed around 12:45 am and was still awake at 3:30, so I went downstairs for a smoke. Nothing unusual in that for me. Then at 4:30 I did it again. At 5.30 I just thought "what's the fucking point in this?" and got up, made a sandwich and a cuppa, then put on a movie.
I just can't switch off when I go to bed, I think (and worry) about everything and everyone!

So, one night last week I was reading Razz's (Woot Woot, It only took me five minutes to figure out how to add that link...Lol) latest post/comments and he said about my commenting...don't sleep, right timing, or something like that, and I realised I was becoming obsessed with it all.
I wasn't obsessed with being the first one to comment, and I know that's not what he meant, but I was obsessed none the less. I wanted to be a part of something, even just a "comment" in somebody else's life, somebody I don't even know. I guess that's what years and years of loneliness does to you. I'm getting choked up now...how fucking sad is that ffs??? See what I mean about my emotions...Lol!

Anyway, just to let you know Razz...I am still following your wonderful blog daily (and all the others for that matter), but I have held back on the commenting. I'm trying not to get too involved anymore with any of the blogs, but how long that will last I don't know.
Also, thanks for your concern on the "p.p.s"
I'm happy that you and Jay are very happy (even if he is a little bruised now...Lol), and I am so jealous of your travel plans for December, especially the Spain trip.

So that's one reason, the other two are kind of connected...content and age.

All the blogs I follow are written by much, much younger people...ages 15 to 32ish.
I didn't set out to follow these particular blogs, they were just discovered along the way, and their content is all about what they're going through NOW and how they're feeling NOW.

My blog (so far and for the foreseeable future) is all about my past!
Is anybody actually interested in what happened in my life ten, twenty, thirty years ago??
I would have had things in common with them then, but not now, not when I'm a fossil in their eyes.
There's nothing happening in my life right now that's worth writing about, who knows about the future? There are some major changes planned soon, but until they happen...!!

It's the same on MSN, I'd love to chat with them, but again I feel like...who the fuck wants to talk to a 44 year old? They would much rather chat with people around their own age, people who are going through similar things to them right now, and I can totally understand that, but no matter how old I am...I'm still lonely, I've just been lonelier for a lot longer than them.
Hence, I've stopped logging on to MSN.

So there it is, a self pitying rant that's probably got you thinking "Grow up!!", "Get a life!!" or other similar/worse stuff (Lol), and you're entitled to think that!!

Maybe I should just explain that I have been unemployed for the past fourteen months, and with Britain teetering on the brink of a recession it's getting harder and harder to even find full-time vacancies to apply for.
I started full-time work at sixteen and have rarely been unemployed since, so I'm finding it really hard at the moment.
My rent and council tax is paid for by the state and I receive £242.00 per month to live on. After my bills are paid (gas and electric takes a huge chunk of that) I'm left with £8.00 a week for food. I'm going stir-crazy within these walls and getting more depressed as time goes by. I put on a brave face to my family and friends (when I see them), and tell them I'm fine, but I really feel like I'm dying inside!!! Here come the tears again!!

I've got far too much time on my hands but I hate daytime TV and don't watch it. The evenings are no better, there's hardly anything I watch regularly...British TV is just full of crap: Reality shows, "talent" contests, cookery stuff etc.
I do like to read and do crossword/arrowword puzzles, and luckily I've got a good collection of DVD's too, but sometimes I find myself just looking at the screen and not hearing anything...I've gone somewhere else.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to motivate myself to do anything; I'm slim (wouldn't you be too, living on £8.00 a week...Lol) and I keep on saying that I'll start exercising to get a six (but more likely a four) pack and improve my chest too. My legs are fine, I like my legs...Lol. I still haven't started yet.

You know what kind of TV I dislike, so here's some stuff I do like:

I'm loving - Eli Stone, Spooks and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (and it has nothing to do with Thomas Dekker...Lol).

I'm looking forward to (new series): Dr. Who, Torchwood and Skins (all new cast, but worth a look).

If you've read ALL of this long, boring, self pitying, depressing post then I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Whether I decide to continue blogging or not, I shall continue to follow my precious fifteen blogs (with or without commenting...Lol). Sadly, for me, you guys are my world even if you are keeping me awake longer at night...Lol.

No funny stuff today, and btw, I'll be 45 next week. Just another reason to be depressed *long sigh*


So long,

Col

Madonna wanted to have my Love Child!

I was going to post this some time in the future but Madonna rang me yesterday to see if she could come over on Thursday night for some drinks and eats. So, we'll probably drink far too much Gin/Vodka and we're going to have my favourite takeaway...KFC!

Whenever I see Madonna now, I always think of her request and whether or not I made the right choice.

First some stuff about me and my feelings etc:
Although I had a shitty childhood and my life is by no means a bed of roses even now, I actually have very few regrets.
One big regret however is not having children, and although I've come to terms with the fact that I never will, it's still something I think about and long for. Maybe when (and if) I find a stable and loving relationship with somebody my feelings about having children will change. I don't know!

I feel, as do my friends (gay and straight) and family, that I would make a wonderful Father.
Maybe it's because of how loving I am (Urgh!) or because I have an abundance of patience (Lol).
All I know is that I love children and can't think of anything more rewarding than raising a child. Lavishing your love, affection and attention on them, being loved by them. Nurturing, guiding, comforting, teaching and protecting them along with the numerous other responsibilities that come with being a parent, these are things I would happily do regardless of any sacrifice(s) I'd have to make.

Please take the time to listen to the following song, Blessed, by my favourite artiste Elton John.
Yeah it's mushy and it gets me all choked up, but it's a beautiful song and it may give you an idea of how I feel about having a child.


Btw, I have no idea what the actual video is all about, so just ignore it.




So, Madonna and I were in the pub one night after work, about two years ago or maybe less, and we were talking about her relationship with her bf (who I'll call BF...original eh?). When I asked her about the possibility of settling down with him, getting married, having children etc; she said something like: "I wouldn't want to have BF's child!"
Now, BF is a lazy, gambling loser who has hardly worked a day in life. He gets violent when he's been drinking and he hates me with a passion (Lol). He believes Madonna loves me more than she loves him! I think he's 30 or 31 years old and is still taking hand-outs from his mum and Madonna just so he can eat, due to gambling/drinking his money away.
He's always making excuses about not finding a job, but he's always promising that if Madonna marries him, or they have a child, or if he can get better accomodation etc; he'll get a job because then he'd have a reason to.

Anyway, the rest of the conversation (as best as I can remember it) went like this:

Me: so would you adopt then?
Madonna: No, I still want my own children.
Me: so what are you gonna do then?
Madonna: Can I ask you something?
Me: Yeah.
Madonna: How would you feel about you and me having a baby?
Me: (laughing) Yeah right! Whatever!
Madonna: No, I'm serious. You're everything that BF isn't, and I know it sounds corny but your the kind of Father I'd want by baby to have.
Me: You really are serious???
Madonna: Yes!! You're kind, thoughtful, loving, intelligent...
Me: (interrupting) And gay. Look Madonna, you know how I feel about not having kids but I don't think it's a good idea! How the hell could it ever work, especially with BF...can you imagine what it would be like?

I thought she'd drop the subject now, but she pushed on....

Madonna: Fuck BF!! You can't tell me you don't want a kid so don't try using the gay card or using BF as an excuse with me!
Me: Ok, but have you thought about how he (I always say he, just wishful thinking) would be raised. Being raised by you and me is great, but we'll never be in a "family" relationship so not a good start for the little guy. And then there's BF, I wouldn't want him raising my son regardless of whether you were there or not.
And, say something happened in the future like we fell out or something, would you stop me from seeing my son?
Madonna: Of course I wouldn't!
Me: it's easy to say now! Also, what about the age gap? What would his friends and their parents think about having such an old Father? How embarrassing would that be for him? Have you thought about that? How would his friends react when they discovered he had a gay Father?
Oh Madonna, I love you and thank you for the chance your offering but I really need to think about this...and so do you!
Madonna: Ok, but I want an answer...soon!
Me: I promise!

Well, after thinking long and hard, I didn't sleep a wink that night (normally I sleep well after a drink), I chose not to go ahead...for the reasons above.

So there you have it, now this subject really fascinates me so I would love for you to share your own thoughts, feelings, experiences on this subject matter with me.
Maybe you feel like I do and regret not having children, maybe you had children before you came out like my brother-in-law. Maybe you haven't got a paternal bone in your body...lol.
Have you or would you, in the future, consider surrogacy or adoption if you're young now?

Whatever it is, I would really like to know so please, please post your comments.


Just a bit of humour to finish off with:

9 Things that wind me up!

1. When people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote but they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.'
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look.'
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short.'
What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

That's all folks!!

Col

You're a Hero! ... Random Facts ... Humour.

Thanks for your opinions on my last post guys, I will be replying soon.

I'm posting the "You're a Hero!" part to say "If you're reading this Mirrorboy...this is for you!"

To everybody that's going through a hard time at the moment...BELIEVE IT!!

Now for some random facts:

I love singing - when I'm feeling really down I just stand in my kitchen with the radio or a cd blaring out, and sing at the top of my voice...fuck the neighbours!

I love peanuts but hate peanut butter.

My favourite drink is Tea...a true Brit...lol. I probably drink far too much for an insomniac.

I once placed a large plastic spider on my old gran's shoulder. When she turned her head a minute or so later she nearly hit the ceiling. Man, did I get beats for that...lol. But, she gave my dad a bollocking for beating me so it was worth it...Go Gran, Go Gran!!!

Some more reasons why you shouldn't take kids to the zoo:

Some cute animal pics...the second one worries me a little:

That's all for now.

Col

A Moral Dillema - Opinions please!

Hi guys,

I need your help with something.
As you may know I am a shy person and I lack self-confidence. I've never had a boyfriend so I've no real grasp or understanding of what it means to be in a loving relationship, I can only imagine...lol.
I can't just start chatting somebody up and if somebody starts chatting to me I have no idea of what kind of things to say, so it feels really awkward and uncomfortable for both of us.

Since I came out I have had a number of people who have shown an interest in me, whether it's just for a shag or something more. Some of them I've liked alot, others not so much, but I wouldn't and couldn't sleep with somebody I've only just met...that's just NOT me!
I'm not a prude and I do not have a problem with other people doing it, but all I hear from gay friends is stuff like "You can't be gay!" or "But it's all part of the gay lifestyle!"

Sex for me is not unimportant, but it's not as important to me as friendship, love, affection and trust in a relationship. I'm very much a giver in most every aspect of my life and that includes sex. I get pleasure from giving pleasure and however corny it sounds...it's true.

However, if I'm ever going to have a long term relationship I must first gain at least some experience of sex, intimacy, sharing etc. I know I should enter into, given the chance and providing I like the guy, any relationship that presents itself. This can only help me with my confidence problem etc; no matter how short term that relationship is.

Now, I'm going to relate to you something that happened around 6 months ago when Marmite was visiting me:

We were in my local gay nightclub one night when a really cute blonde guy just came over to us and said to me "I love your shirt" and smiled at me.
So I just said "Oh, thanks, and I love your smile." (I know it was well cheesy, but it just sort of blurted out. He did have a beautiful smile though...lol.)
Anyway, we talked about the usual shite...I've seen you up here before, how long have you been coming here?, what we do for a living etc. and kind of run out of conversation.
He went back to his friends and Marmite and I carried on with the rest of our evening.

Just before we left I decided to take a pee because we'd probably have to wait ages for a cab.
As I washing my hands somebody came in to the cloakroom, I looked in the mirror and it was the cute guy, he was just leaning with his back against the wall and looking back at me in the mirror.
I asked him if he'd had a good night and if he had to get up for work tomorrow (I told you I was useless at this...lol.), and he just said "Yes, so are you gonna kiss me or what?"
Well it would've been rude not to, so I did. To be honest I just wanted to rip his clothes off and...

Anyway, whilst we were kissing Marmite came looking for me so we broke off. He asked for my mobile number, which I gave him, and he said he'd text me.
I didn't take my phone out with me because Marmite had his and we only needed to phone a cab.
It took us an hour and a half to get home (shitty cab service), but we could have walked it in twenty minutes...lol.
When I got home I switched on my phone and I'd had four texts from the guy already, I was well happy. I replied and told him I'd text him tomorrow about meeting up and then went to bed feeling like I was on top of the world.

I told Marmite the next morning and he was well happy for me and made me promise I'd see the guy.
This had been a MASSIVE ego boost for me. I hadn't felt this good in a long, long time.

Well, Marmite went home that afternoon and I did text the guy, but what I said was something like: "Thanks for last night, you're a really sweet, good looking guy and I really like you, but I think you're too young and I'm not comfortable with it."
He was only 22 years old, that's half my age!!
He replied saying that there shouldn't be an issue with our ages, we're both consenting adults etc.
But as usual, in the cold light of day, I let my morals get the better of me.

So, opinions please:

Should I lower my moral standards so I can gain the experience I need?

What do think about the age gap? Anybody young reading this may well be thinking "ffs, that's disgusting" or something like that. In that case, please give me two opinions: your gut reaction, and then try to think about how you might feel when you reach my age, and give an opinion on that.

I'd like as many opinions as possible please guys, so don't be shy.

I can take it on the chin, all I ask is that you keep your opinions respectful.


The next post will contain some humour as promised in my first post!!!

Get those opinions in!!

Thanks,
Col

An Intro to my family & friends.

Hi guys,

Just thought I'd give you a heads-up on some of the people you'll read about in future blogs.
Of course all names have been changed, and some are pretty corny, but they're apt...Lol.

Family:

Mum - She's getting old now and suffers from all manner of things. She's on all kinds of medication for her aches and pains and she has Diabetes too...injects herself (not sure what that type is), and it runs in her family. Luckily she's the only one in my family so far but I guess the rest of have a risk of it in the future.
Anyway, when my parents split up (I was 15) she went through a really tough time. Her bf already had 3 kids of his own living with him and there wouldn't be room for another five, so, she fought for custody of Dick and Harry only. I understood the reason for this but her guilt over that decision and the shit she was getting from my dad sent her into a bad depression.
My dad was determined to not let my mum have any of us, this was not out of love for us but simply because he wanted to punish her...it was all about HIM!
He threatened us all that if we ever attempted to speak to her or visit her he would kill us.
When we were individually interviewed by social services (or something) he threatened us that he would kill us if we didn't say we wanted to live with him.
Anyway, we did as ordered regardless of what we really wanted to do and it was decided by the powers that be that my mum was an unfit mother and sole custody be given to my dad.
This decision sent her over the edge and she ended up on all kinds of medication, some of it made her hallucinate and she would stay in bed for days on end, not even knowing where she was. She'd talk to herself or an imaginary somebody and try to leave the house in just her sleepwear.
She was a mess, and it was all down to my wonderful dad!!

Dad - What can I say?
There's a lot more about him in future blogs....stay tuned lol.

Midge - Sis (2 years older)
Reason for name: she's even shorter than me...lol! Didn't think that was possible.
She re-married but just has the two kids from her marriage to Wanker. She has never been maternal and has more time for her kids now they're grown up than she did when they really needed her (Bad mum!). I get along with her current husband even though he's anti gay. He makes the effort to chat etc, but you can so see he's uncomfortable. I don't care because I rarely see either of them anyway.

Wanker - Ex brother-in-law: Violent, alcoholic gay (yes GAY! He came out before I did) Irishman who badly mistreated his wife and kids, especially his kids, and sexually abused me and Tom, possibly others...I don't know.

Tom - Bro (11 months younger...yeah 11 months...a mistake I wonder? lol)
No reason for name...lol.
You'll read a lot about Tom so I'll save it for the posts...lol.

Dick - Bro (6 years younger)
No reason for name.
Not much to tell.

Harry - Bro (8 years younger)
Ditto Dick.

Bitch - Half Sis (20 years younger, I think)
Reason for name: Do I need to spell it out...lol.
Not much to tell except everything she does winds me up. She pretends to be somebody she's not...a caring, loving sister. She's just a two-faced backstabber. She's always calling me "hon" and "babe" even though I've asked her not to...Aaaaargh!!! I hate being called things like that. I have a name goddamnit!

Friends:

Marmite - Currently been best friends for about 10 years.
Reason for name: People either love him or hate him...there just doesn't appear to be an in-between thing with him!
He is gay and came out when he was 18. His dad chucked him out so he moved in with his bf. His bf was also his 40 year old boss.
He's now 32 and loves doing Drag (he's actually a really classy looking Drag Queen) and Karaoke. He's always been into the gay scene, will have sex with anything that has a pulse and doesn't give a shit what people think of him.
I think he's a very, very funny guy and we just clicked as soon as we met. When we see each other we spend most of our time literally crying with laughter. It's fantastic!
He lives hundreds of miles away so we don't get to see each other often. We always holiday together though and he's supposed to be going to live abroad with me (that's the plan, but I'm not sure he will save any money).
The thing is...apart from having a great time with him, he is the opposite of me. He's confident and outgoing, he's a slag, he thinks only of himself, he loves the scene, he prefers busy bars/clubs.
There has never been any sexual attraction or contact between us and he has betrayed my trust and friendship in a huge way (future post).

Melon - Marmite's ex bf and the first person I came out to (though I said I was bi).
Reason for name: We used to joke that it looked like he had a Pineapple in his pants...BIG boy!...not that I ever saw it but it was obvious, plus Marmite used to be a size queen.
Anyway, I'm too lazy to keep typing Pineapple...so Melon it is!
Sadly we don't see each other anymore.

Madonna - A good friend. She's straight and been seeing the same guy, on and off, since she wa 16. She's now 25. He's a total waster who doesn't deserve her and for some weird reason he's totally jealous of our relationship. The last time I met him, July this year, he raged about (and I quote): "she loves you more than she does me. Looks like you've won again!!" Then he stormed out. I didn't know I was competeing in any competition, we just get on really well and anyway...I AM GAY!! so what's his fucking problem?
Mind you, she did ask me if we could have a baby (seriously), but that'll be in a future post.

I keep saying about "future posts" but I may end up just quitting this, so don't hold your breath...yeah, like you were anyway lol.

There are other friends from my school days and work who will just be mentioned when the need arises.

I hope this has helped you to gain an insight into my life, or parts of it at least, so if I do post in the future you'll have an idea about the people included in them.

If you've read this...thanks!

If you have any questions about this post or me, or indeed anything else, then please ask.

All comments welcomed guys!

God bless,
Col

Poor White Trash! (Part 2)

First of all, thanks for your comments guys!

Secondly, I apologise for the block text but I'm having a problem with paragraphs.
No matter how many times I edit it, it will not change...aaargh!!

So, to Part 2:

I was jealous/envious of my mates when I was young.
They were able to go and buy toys, comics, magazines, sweets…whatever!!
They always wore nice clothes, went on holidays, went to the cinema etc; but most of all they were HAPPY!
They had parents that cared for and loved them, parents that did things with them, spent quality time with them…for my friends that was just normal, how all families are…yeah right!

I never received pocket money during my childhood, which I suppose is understandable given my family’s financial situation. If and when my parents had a little money they would treat us but those times were few and far between.

Once you got to a certain year in my junior school you could put your name on a list to “work” in the tuck shop during morning break/recess.
At the end of each week you could choose one item as your payment/wage. Fuck me, my name was on that list straight away, sweets and crisps were a rare luxury for me but this treat was guaranteed…every week.

How pathetic was that????
Btw, I always chose Tomato Ketchup flavour crisps…Mmmmm! I’ve always been a savoury person…lol.

When I moved up to senior school things improved a little, if only in the clothing dept…lol.
Of course we had to wear a uniform, so for me this was great, nobody (apart from my junior school friends that went up to the same school) would realise how poor we were because I would look the same as them…Haha!
The uniform had to come from a list of approved suppliers so there were no designer logos, I love the idea of uniforms in school and places of work because they are great “levellers.”
It was still embarrassing when shopping for the uniform though, as my dad was still unemployed we were entitled to free uniforms and had to present vouchers to the store as payment.
Seeing the looks, or rather the sneers, of the staff (and some customers) on presenting said vouchers I could’ve just curled up and died. They just looked at my parents like they were scum!!

I also received free school meals, another humiliating experience, originally the system was that your parents were issued with a book of tickets every few months, or something like that.
When you reached the end of the queue for the canteen you either handed over your money, or voucher in my case, to the monitor. No problem there, nobody could see what you were handing over…lol.
Then, some time later the school changed their queuing system. Now, they had TWO queues, one for paying diners and one for freebies…wtf????

So there you were in this queue of poor people, getting the filthiest looks and having to listen to things like “Pikey bastards!”, “Gyppo’s!” (not sure about the spelling…lol), “Losers!” etc. from other pupils. The only thing I could take comfort in was knowing then that I wasn’t alone…it was quite a fucking queue!

My poor mum had a worse life than I did during those times. Not only did she have to (and I mean HAVE TO) see to five kids each and every morning, she had to do everything for my dad too.
He wouldn’t get out of bed until we’d all gone to school and while mum was making sure we were ready and making us breakfast (you know the routine) he would be banging on the bedroom floor.
This meant “where the fuck is my breakfast???”

Anyway, with my lazy, no-good dad not working my mum decided to do some home-working.
So, she started sewing the leather onto steering wheels for sports cars AND putting the acetates onto greetings cards…the wage was crappy but at least she was trying.
He never lifted a finger to help her in anything, he would just sit in front of the TV all day and bark out his orders, when he wasn’t in the bookies that is…and don’t ask me where he got the money for that! She would be busy doing things like getting us ready, dusting, vacuuming, mopping, washing, ironing, shopping, cooking, washing-up, drying-up, the steering wheels, the cards…all day and into the night. She never had a moment to herself.

What really fucks me off is something I mentioned in Part 1.
It was about a woman’s place being in the home, but, I should also have included that they believed a MAN’s place was to be the bread winner and provide for his family…lol, lol, lol, lol.

I wonder what happened there??

I’m sorry if this post was boring and/or depressing, I know I said I’d try to “lighten” things up but …

I will leave you with some amusing/cute images though.
I’ll be posting some photos of animals just doing ….well you‘ll see lol, and some “cute” animal photos courtesy of my sister-in-law.

Reasons not to take kids to the zoo!

How cute are they?

Poor White Trash! (Part 1)

Thanks to everybody who took the time to read my first post, and a special thanks to those who commented. I was amazed to receive any comments at all…lol.

My blog name was taken from Aaron Hill's Works, circa 1750, and it simply means:
To tackle a difficult problem boldly.

So yeah, we were a poor family. My dad was out of work a lot more than he was in it and that didn’t make for a happy childhood. It wasn’t just being poor either, from around the age of four I never felt loved, or even liked, by my dad. He was Irish and had a real temper, and he only seemed to care and have time for my brother…you’ll here more about them in future posts.

Anyway, I remember when I was very young (when there was only three children) and dad was working, I couldn’t wait for him to come home from work.
He would pick us up and spin us around, hug and kiss us, throw us up and down, let us sit on his motor bike and just enjoy having his kids around him…he had his temper though and we never knew how long his good mood would last.

We moved to a larger house when I was seven because a year earlier my mum had her fourth child, that’s when things started to get bad. To make matters worse my mum had another child the following year. So now there were five kids to feed, clothe etc and dad wasn’t working.

Maybe I should explain that my dad was a catholic, so he didn’t believe in contraception, he was fourteen years older than my mum and they were both raised to believe that a woman’s place is most definitely in the home…and a wife should never refuse her husband his conjugal rights.

We never went hungry but it was a daily struggle for them to make ends meet, I know they made sacrifices but when you’re a kid you just can’t see it.

So, all our clothes were either hand-me-downs from friends and relatives, or from jumble sales.
It’s bad enough going to school with your friend when you’re wearing the clothes he has grown out of, but my mum used to buy some really ugly stuff at the jumble sales…the ugliest thing was this pair of PURPLE trousers, but that’s not the worst of it, it was the material…CRUSHED VELVET!!!!

Aaaargh!!! Purple crushed fucking velvet…I mean, helloooo!! What were you thinking mum?…lol.

Well, as you can probably imagine, I was mortified at the thought of actually having to wear these to school. Let’s face it: young kids don’t really think before they speak.
But, no matter how much I pleaded or cried (seriously, you would’ve thought I was being murdered with the amount of screaming I was doing…lol), I had to wear them.
I really can’t remember if anybody took the piss at school (but you would though, wouldn’t you!), I think I’ve just blocked out the trauma of it all…lol.

Sorry, this is going on too long, I might have to start splitting posts into part 1, part 2 etc.
I know what I want to say, I just keep going off on tangents though. To me it’s all related, but it probably reads like a mish-mash of verbal diarrhoea to you.

I’ll post part 2 tomorrow.

Yes, I’m also stealing the “Random facts about me” thing, sorry :) and I’m going to add some (hopefully) humorous stuff at the end of each post too.

So, some random stuff:

I hate spiders and moths.

I hate puppets, especially clowns and large birds…they’ve always scared the crap out of me lol.

My first real sexual contact with another male was when I was aged 12.

My last was aged around 35 (yeah, it’s easy to figure out how long I’ve not “had any” for lol).

Finally, some interesting facts (with some humour thrown in for good measure).
I hope it makes you chuckle!

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

('Honey, I'm home. What the..?!')

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Introduction.

I’d been following the brilliant Always Hard blog by Josh for some time (can’t remember how I stumbled upon it) and kept discovering new blogs along the way.

I would read them and laugh or cry at them (I’m a really emotional person btw, but so not a drama queen), but I was always afraid to leave a comment in case people thought “who the fuck is this guy??”
Anyway, recently I just thought wtf and started to leave comments/advice for complete strangers. After all, aren’t strangers just friends that you haven’t made or met yet?

All you bloggers (the ones that I follow) have inspired me to do this and I thank each and every one of you!!!!

If anybody is interested I’m going to post some of the ups and downs of my life so far, in no particular order and seeing as there will probably be a lot more downs than ups, I’ll try to “lighten” them up.

First some background (probably far too long a post for my first one…sorry!)

My name is Colin (but I prefer Col) and I’m a 44yr old out gay guy living in the UK.
I had a crappy childhood (in fact I’ve had a crappy life), and went through all the troubles, doubts and questions that you are going/have been through . Things like: unrequited love, loneliness, obsession…you know the kind of things I mean.

I never did, and still don’t, have anybody to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with.
I’ve always dealt with these things on my own and It has made me a stronger person because of that.

Actually, I did have help from my youngest brother when I came out but I’ll tell you about that another time.

I’ve always been the one that friends and family come to with their troubles but nobody ever seems to have time to listen to mine, so I gave up trying a long, long time ago.
I don’t mind really because I’ve always thought of others before myself, I’m sooo not a selfish person, but like everybody else I really would like to have somebody to love and somebody to love me!!

I know it’s my own fault that I haven’t got somebody and that’s because I’m a very shy person and totally lacking in self confidence (that was knocked out of me as a kid, but that’s another story).
That’s not strictly true, I’ve got loads of confidence in work situations, but none in social situations unless I’ve had a few drinks.

Gaining self confidence is the most important thing for me right now because I’ve decided, and already put certain things in motion, that I’m going to live abroad within the next two years…can‘t wait.

I have been more positive about my future for the past 12 months than at any other time in my life.

I’ll always think of others, that’s just the way I am, but I’m also going to think of myself a lot more from now on.

Enough rambling for now…I did warn you it was long!

Thanks for taking the time to read this (If anybody has…lol)


Comments, emails, chat are all very welcome.

Bye for now,
Col