An Interview With... Mr HCI - Castoffs

Mr. HCI (Horribly-Charred Infant) is the author of the Castoffs blog. He's very much into music and used to play in a band called Happy Flowers. I'm afraid I don't know much more about him (apart from what he has shared with us below), except he's about 4 months younger than me. So, I guess you'd better get over to his blog (click on the link above) and find out for yourself :)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.


Introduction...

Name: Mr. HCI
Age: 45
Occupation/Student: programmer/analyst
Country and State/County: USA, Georgia
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: 100% gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Music, record shopping, movies, blogging, reading.

Likes/Dislikes:
Broccoli/Beets.

Loves/Hates:
My husband/People who think I don't deserve the same rights they enjoy due to my sexual orientation.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To legally marry my husband, to see more of the world.


The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
The more people of all stripes understand about us, the better.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
If it's not 100% predetermined, then it's 99%. Regardless of predetermination, it's definitely not a choice. I've been told by some folks that it's just not a conscious choice. Well, it's not a choice, then, is it!!!!!

When did you realise that you were gay?
At age 11, when I discovered masturbation and immediately had sexual fantasies involving only other boys. I was a bit curious about girls but don't recall having a single sexual fantasy about them when I was younger. In fact, I can recall precisely one masturbation fantasy that involved a female in my entire life. When I had a girlfriend for six months when I was 17, I had no interest whatsoever in having sex with her.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
My realization was at age 11, though I had my first boy crush the summer I turned nine. Acceptance didn't come 'til I was 28. I first came out as bisexual, when I was just shy of 26, but I was lying to myself. I didn't come out to even a second person until over a year later. And I didn't finally accept that I am in no way bisexual 'til I was 29.

At age 11, it didn't occur to me that I might be gay. I just knew that boy bodies were much more interesting than girl bodies and that "boy" was a very erotic word (odd thought for an 11-year-old, huh?). It was the early/mid 1970s, though, and gay was just not a realistic option, so I did what I could to try to convince myself I was straight.

Who are you “out” to ?
Everyone.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
Very.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice but not without pressure . . . pressure meaning it was my "first time" with someone and it was a girl. I couldn't finish the deed and I eventually admitted I was attracted to guys. We did have a relationship for just shy of a year but she dumped me, luckily; it would not have worked in the long run.

What reactions did you receive?
All accepting, thankfully.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
100% positive.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
My biggest fear is assault. My second biggest fear is losing what progress we've made in this country. If Sarah Palin had her way, for instance, it would be illegal for my husband to get health insurance through my employer.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I do my best to not take any crap.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
None.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Had there been resources and support when I was younger, I probably would've come out much earlier than 28.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I just did what I could to suppress everything. In addition, I read everything I could find and just about everything I read indicated same-sex attraction was a normal phase for boys and it would go away. So I waited. The only thing I read that didn't tell me it was just a phase was The Joy of Gay Sex, which was first published when I was 13. I became very skilled at slipping away and flipping through it at bookstores every chance I got.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I saw a therapist for a few months when I was 27. That was a big help as she was the second person I told I was not straight.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I'm not sure as I've not utilized any here. On the other hand, there's a local organization for LGBTQQ youth and my husband and I became adult volunteers there around three months ago.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
When I was younger, I would've been too embarrassed. There was a Gay Student Union at my college but I was terrified of it. I was curious but no one could know!

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Immensely! I think the 'net is the best thing to have ever been invented for gay/bi kids. Sure, there are dangers (predators luring kids into dangerous situations) but the fact that kids all over the world are finding that there are other kids like themselves, and the global support network that they're building out of this is just absolutely incredible.

If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think my life would be very different, indeed. I almost certainly would not have waited 'til I turned 28 to come out. I probably also would not have dated the two girls I did, or had sex with the second. On the other hand, if my youth had been different, I wouldn't be with my husband today and I wouldn't give him up for anything.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The Internet for the reason already stated.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I'm not all that anonymous 'cause the pseudonym I use has been linked to my real name for years. It'd not be all that difficult to find out who I am and where I live. I'm not too worried, but I'm also neither a teenager nor in the closet, so I don't have that need for anonymity that many folks do.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My parents are just shy of celebrating their 47th anniversary, so yes, they were both on the scene. They both have influenced me though my mom probably a bit more. As for relatives, I don't even know of any distant relatives that aren't straight.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Yes, but we're too old to adopt an infant and we don't have the financial wherewithal to properly raise a child, either. I get very depressed about it sometimes.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't fake anything. Adoption would be a definite option if we were younger and better off financially. I have a friend who I'd consider for surrogacy but I couldn't ask that of her.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Learn to accept yourself! Don't hate yourself for being gay. Don't fight it like I did. Living in fear sucks. On the other hand, think carefully about your actions when you decide to come out. If you think your parents will not be accepting, make sure you are able to live without their aid, should they disown you. It breaks my heart that that still happens.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Not that I can think of but it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Life would be easier if I were straight . . .
Life would be more complicated if I were bisexual . . .
I'd choose to be gay because I really can't imagine being any other way. In addition, gay sex is way more intense and emotionally powerful than straight sex.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
I did my best to never put on a false face in the coming out process, though I did go through a phase of dressing pretty damn gay. Nowadays, it's primarily jeans or shorts and band shirts.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No. I love being in a diverse neighborhood with both straight and gay neighbors and I love being just outside a major city with a large gay population.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I used to wish when I was younger that I lived in ancient Greece when it was OK to have sex with other boys but, from what I understand, it wasn't so acceptable for adults and anal was right out, so no thanks! I also used to wish I lived in Morocco a few decades ago when boys were allegedly encouraged to have sex with each other in order to have an outlet prior to marriage. Again, I don't think same-sex relationships were acceptable amongst adults.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they were in better health.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I wish I had green eyes but mine are hazel and that's close-ish.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I need to lose weight and get back in shape. I want to fit in my old clothes again!

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
My remarkable ability to procrastinate. My shyness.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Not sure.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Most definitely! Life hands us a set of circumstances and it's up to us to choose what to do with them. For us gay folk, we can either choose to accept ourselves as we were born and live and love openly or we can shun our true nature and do what we can to hurt those who do not. It really saddens me when I hear about yet another homophobic preacher, politician, what have you caught with a dick in his mouth.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Not exactly, though I can't really spell out how they're different other than you can decide to make a choice. Then again, you can choose to make a decision too. My head hurts.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
It's hard to say. Had I come out when I was a teenager, I might be dead as I was 17 as the AIDS crisis began. On the other hand, I would not have been promiscuous no matter what age I came out, so AIDS wouldn't necessarily have been a big risk for me. The biggest difference would probably be that my husband and I might have had kids had we met sooner.