Reasons #2 & Me In My Twenties!! & Hello!

Hi guys,

I knew my sister-in-law hadn't been happy with my brother for some time but recently she just ups and leaves for two days. My poor nieces (10 & 13) were in a right old state, as you can imagine. So, she comes back home and tells Dick that she doesn't love him anymore and she's felt like it for ages. First she says she's moving out with the girls, but the girls wanted to stay with Dick (not her) so things got nasty... lots of shouting and screaming, she got a bit violent, the girls were crying at night and before school etc.

So, eventually Dick says to me "you might have to move out, she's not settled here yet and I don't think it's helping with you living here!" and that he would probably have to move out too. Ok, so I was like livid now. Here I am, I'd given up everything (and they knew it) including my furniture which they're using and didn't even say "thanks!" for and I've got to move to... where? With what ffs!

Anyway, the day after that little episode, my s-i-l says to me that no matter what happens between her and Dick I am welcome to stay here, as agreed, and that she has never had a problem with me being here. Then Dick tells me later that he told her to apologise to me for what had happened and that I shouldn't be asked to leave, none of it was my fault and I'd given up enough already.

It's all "happy families" again now anyway, they're like a loved-up teenage couple. It's a bit sickening sometimes. Haha!

With everything else that's been getting me down there's also Razz too. He keeps popping into my head at the oddest times. Lol! Then I start thinking about him and I get upset and more depressed.


Ok, so there are new blogs I'm following (as I pointed out in my last post), and they are:
I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music. This one's by 18 year old Matt from Utah, USA.

Then there's 16 year old AJ. He's bi with a leaning towards gay and his blog is called coming out (on the net).

Also, a big welcome to my latest follower Ben, from Confessions of a Poor Student blog.

You've probably already visited these blogs, but if you haven't please stop by for a read and leave a comment (or two. haha!). Also, please don't forget to visit Deejohn at the brilliant westasian site. Just take a look at this beautiful young guy and tell me it's not worth taking a look! He's from one of today's posts:

Simon from Scoop. Taken from westasian.

Oh shit, I said I might post some photos of me in my twenties but am I going to look like a freak next to the gorgeous Simon or what!! Oh well, here goes nothing...

Age 21. A Passport photo for a day trip to France.

Age 25 or 26 I think. Another Passport photo but I can't remember why! And just look at that receding hairline. Haha!!!

Ok, that's all for now guys. I hope you're all having a great week!

Take care,

Col

Reasons #1 & Me As A Nipper!

Hi guys,

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so have you missed me? Yeah right!! You're probably thinking more like "Oh crap! The little bugger's back... I thought he'd gone for good!" Lol!

So yeah, I've been absent for a while but hopefully I'm back (for now at least. Haha!), and slowly catching up on all your blogs. So, forgive me if I haven't commented for a while.

If you read this blog regularly you'll know that I made a promise to myself to not use this to whinge and moan about stuff when many of you have troubles that are far more serious than my own petty things. Well, I'm not going to moan but I will briefly ( I don't do briefly do I?) tell you what the reasons for my absence were:

Still not being able to find a job was really getting me down. Even though I've been doing my volunteer work it still wasn't enough, I wanted full-time paid employment. Also, not getting any response from employers when you apply for jobs is just an expectation now, but I was (and still am) getting really pissed-off with employers who don't even get back to you when you've attended an interview! Anyway, I have applied for all types of jobs... just so I have a job, any job. Sadly for me though, that means some of them are minimum wage and it will take me a lot longer to save for Spain. I've applied mainly for Retail Store Manager vacancies, some Deputy Manager vacancies and some minimum wage jobs like Assistant Van Driver for a local charity and Sales Assistants jobs.

I had a huge row with my brother Dick (not his real name btw. Lol) because he said I should be applying for anything, regardless of the salary. I thought I knew why he was saying it (because he wanted me to save my money as quickly as possible so I would move out sooner than agreed) and confronted him about it. He said "Yes! This is our home now and we'd like it to ourselves!" Anyway, to cut a long story short: that got sorted out.

Ok, I'll leave it there for today. There's more but I don't want to bore you too much in one post. Haha!

I've posted some photos of me from when I was a nipper, next time I may post a few from my twenties. I don't have many photos of me at all, I've always detested having to have them done so if I can get out of them I will. Lol!

There are some new blogs in my "other blogs I follow" list btw. If you haven't checked them out already... please be so kind as to do so :)

So, on to the photos then *cringes*

That's me on the right. Lol!

Me on the right again.

Right, I'm on the left this time.

Now you see why I hated having my photo taken. Eek!!

Hmm, don't know what the white blob on my nose is, but it's a stain on the photo and not a lump of snot! Haha!

Thanks for reading guys!

Take care all,

Col

Men are like Laxatives; They irritate the crap out of you!

Hi Guys,

That's not my opinion btw, just the first line of another meaningless chain-letter that I received today. I get these things all the fucking time by email and text but I've given up on asking for the people responsible to quit sending them to me. They do send me some really funny stuff too, so I guess I shouldn't really complain, but... FUCK OFF! ... I HATE THESE THINGS!!

I've NEVER continued a chain, and never will, but I thought this one (and especially the fun one at the end of the post) were particularly witty for chain-letters, so I'm sharing them (how lucky are you? Lol!)

#1 (from my sister-in-law)...

Men are like... Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are!

Men are like... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them!

Men are like... Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why!

Men are like... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips!

Men are like... Commercials
You can't believe a word they say!

Men are like... Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

Men are like... Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to mature!

Men are like... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion!

Men are like... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while!

Men are like... Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!

Men are like... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright!

Men are like... Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped!

Now...
send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

[Dancing Baby gif.] You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life if you break this. You will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way for the next year. Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck, so send this to 5 people in 15 minutes!


#2 (from a male friend)...

If I was ever going to continue a chain; it would be with this!

I know there's been a lot of sadness in our community of late, so I hope this post goes some way to cheering you up. If you haven't already noticed the link to the Razz Tribute Site in the top right hand corner of the blog; please feel free to click on the picture to visit it and pay your respects. I think Razz would have laughed at #2, not sure about #1 though :)

That's all folks!

Take care,
Col

Comments, Comments and more Comments!

Hi guys,

Now it's not like me to moan and grumble (is it?), but I really feel that I must tonight!

I have to say that I'm disappointed with the lack of comments on Jake's interview. I say this not because I want the comments, but because Jake has taken the time to share his thoughts, feelings and beliefs on some rather personal things and I believe that at least warrants some kind of thanks/comment.

I would have thought that the other interviewees would at least comment, seeing as how their feelings etc are going to be splashed all over these pages soon.

Here's an excerpt from an email I had from torchy! today:

"dunno what's going on in blogworld, i can't believe that i'm the only commenter on your interview, which i thought was fascinating. must be very disheartening for both you and jake."

So, please make an effort to leave a comment... if you feel it's more appropriate to leave it on Jake's blog then please do so! I really don't mind, after all... Jake did all the work.


Sorry for grumbling!

Take care,
Col

p.s the next interview will be published on Thursday.

Did You Know...

...that we "gays" sexually abuse ourselves?

Not only that, but we are self-hating and self-destructive too! This is according to fellow blogger 'The Chaeronean'.

Here is an excerpt from his recent post:

I read a post by "Col" from Essex about being sexually abused.
In many ways all homosexual men are in a similar position to him, hiding from themselves and their sexuality because they cannot face up to what has happened to them.

And who has sexually abused them?

Answer: They have sexually abused themselves.

Apparently, this guy knows more about how I feel than I do... simply amazing!!

I'm neither hiding from myself, or my sexuality. Also, I faced up to what happened to me a long, long time ago. I published the experience, along with some advice, in the hope of helping somebody else, anybody else, that may have undergone a similar experience of "self-abuse"... as he calls it!

As for self-hating, self-loathing and self-destructive, well...It's just a load of BOLLOCKS!


Please read the post here and let me know what you think of the conclusion he has reached.


Take care,

Col

Reasons and stuff.

Hi guys,

I haven't posted for a while for the following reasons:

As you may know I am a very emotional guy, I cry at the drop of a hat at both sad and happy stuff...books, movies and recently BLOGS!

I follow fifteen blogs at the moment (with another three that I check on regularly), and they are all full of such emotion a lot of the time that I get overloaded with it all. I wish that I could detach myself from my feelings but it's just not possible.
If you couple all these emotions with long time Insomnia (since I was a teenager) you can imagine how my sleep, or lack of it, has been. (Edit: Not Hypochondria as stated in original post...Duh!)
One night, two weeks ago, I went to bed around 12:45 am and was still awake at 3:30, so I went downstairs for a smoke. Nothing unusual in that for me. Then at 4:30 I did it again. At 5.30 I just thought "what's the fucking point in this?" and got up, made a sandwich and a cuppa, then put on a movie.
I just can't switch off when I go to bed, I think (and worry) about everything and everyone!

So, one night last week I was reading Razz's (Woot Woot, It only took me five minutes to figure out how to add that link...Lol) latest post/comments and he said about my commenting...don't sleep, right timing, or something like that, and I realised I was becoming obsessed with it all.
I wasn't obsessed with being the first one to comment, and I know that's not what he meant, but I was obsessed none the less. I wanted to be a part of something, even just a "comment" in somebody else's life, somebody I don't even know. I guess that's what years and years of loneliness does to you. I'm getting choked up now...how fucking sad is that ffs??? See what I mean about my emotions...Lol!

Anyway, just to let you know Razz...I am still following your wonderful blog daily (and all the others for that matter), but I have held back on the commenting. I'm trying not to get too involved anymore with any of the blogs, but how long that will last I don't know.
Also, thanks for your concern on the "p.p.s"
I'm happy that you and Jay are very happy (even if he is a little bruised now...Lol), and I am so jealous of your travel plans for December, especially the Spain trip.

So that's one reason, the other two are kind of connected...content and age.

All the blogs I follow are written by much, much younger people...ages 15 to 32ish.
I didn't set out to follow these particular blogs, they were just discovered along the way, and their content is all about what they're going through NOW and how they're feeling NOW.

My blog (so far and for the foreseeable future) is all about my past!
Is anybody actually interested in what happened in my life ten, twenty, thirty years ago??
I would have had things in common with them then, but not now, not when I'm a fossil in their eyes.
There's nothing happening in my life right now that's worth writing about, who knows about the future? There are some major changes planned soon, but until they happen...!!

It's the same on MSN, I'd love to chat with them, but again I feel like...who the fuck wants to talk to a 44 year old? They would much rather chat with people around their own age, people who are going through similar things to them right now, and I can totally understand that, but no matter how old I am...I'm still lonely, I've just been lonelier for a lot longer than them.
Hence, I've stopped logging on to MSN.

So there it is, a self pitying rant that's probably got you thinking "Grow up!!", "Get a life!!" or other similar/worse stuff (Lol), and you're entitled to think that!!

Maybe I should just explain that I have been unemployed for the past fourteen months, and with Britain teetering on the brink of a recession it's getting harder and harder to even find full-time vacancies to apply for.
I started full-time work at sixteen and have rarely been unemployed since, so I'm finding it really hard at the moment.
My rent and council tax is paid for by the state and I receive £242.00 per month to live on. After my bills are paid (gas and electric takes a huge chunk of that) I'm left with £8.00 a week for food. I'm going stir-crazy within these walls and getting more depressed as time goes by. I put on a brave face to my family and friends (when I see them), and tell them I'm fine, but I really feel like I'm dying inside!!! Here come the tears again!!

I've got far too much time on my hands but I hate daytime TV and don't watch it. The evenings are no better, there's hardly anything I watch regularly...British TV is just full of crap: Reality shows, "talent" contests, cookery stuff etc.
I do like to read and do crossword/arrowword puzzles, and luckily I've got a good collection of DVD's too, but sometimes I find myself just looking at the screen and not hearing anything...I've gone somewhere else.

I'm finding it increasingly hard to motivate myself to do anything; I'm slim (wouldn't you be too, living on £8.00 a week...Lol) and I keep on saying that I'll start exercising to get a six (but more likely a four) pack and improve my chest too. My legs are fine, I like my legs...Lol. I still haven't started yet.

You know what kind of TV I dislike, so here's some stuff I do like:

I'm loving - Eli Stone, Spooks and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (and it has nothing to do with Thomas Dekker...Lol).

I'm looking forward to (new series): Dr. Who, Torchwood and Skins (all new cast, but worth a look).

If you've read ALL of this long, boring, self pitying, depressing post then I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Whether I decide to continue blogging or not, I shall continue to follow my precious fifteen blogs (with or without commenting...Lol). Sadly, for me, you guys are my world even if you are keeping me awake longer at night...Lol.

No funny stuff today, and btw, I'll be 45 next week. Just another reason to be depressed *long sigh*


So long,

Col