An Interview With... Mirrorboy - Mirrorboy's Blog

I'm sure Mirrorboy needs no introduction to most of you, but for those that don't read his blog: Mirrorboy's Blog, he's a 15 year old gay guy from Australia. He has a great sense of humour, a wonderfully creative mind and a very strong character. Oh, and he loves his cats too!

If you don't already read his blog (see link above), please go visit him... you won't be disappointed!

The questions...

How old are you and what do you do?
I'm 15 years old, a student at highschool, and wannabe author.

Are you planning to go to college to study journalism?
I still haven't thought that far ahead. I'm a bit useless when it comes to Uni and stuff.

Your readers will already know of the novel you're creating: "Universes". How are things progressing with that lately?
I'm around 183,000 words. Just finished a chapter, so i'm now planning the next one before i dive into and get stuck as per usual. lol. And i'm up to a really tough bit in it cos i'm following a storyline which doesn't include my main characters. Ya know, i make it up as i go along, and the downside of that is sometimes i work myself into a hole. Heheh.
Hehe.

So, you live in Victoria, Australia?
I sure do

We'll talk more about location later, so in the meantime... are you Gay, Bisexual or Confused? Lol.
Lol. I am gay

And apart from your creative writing, what other hobbies, interests or pastimes do you have?
Hmm... I like playing games. I would kick anyone's ass at the Wii. :P
Other than that, another hobby of mine is blogging heheh, and other internet stuff ;)
Lol.

What about likes and dislikes, loves and hates? Anything at all from foods to people and religion.

Well that's a hard question...

Which requires an answer lol.
Right... I love English, and boys. I hate... haters. Hate is a strong word. So, i only really 'hate' haters
That's all you wish to say then?
I don't know, your questions are so broad lol. I need direction!
Erm... do you like school, where you live, pizza, religion, animals etc?
I hate my school and where i live. Now that's a good way to use 'hate'.
Lol.

Who do you fancy/have a crush on at the moment... real, celeb, or cyber?
Lol. I can't just post that on the internet for everyone to see! That's personal lol, i do think Rafael Nadal is hot tho.
Yeah, but we all know about that one lol. Anybody else?
Ummz... depends if porn stars count. XD
Yeah!
Hahaha.
Surely there must be somebody!
Yah, im tryin to think...hmm that's hard. Mitch Hewer's hot ;) but every gay loves him.

What kind of boys do you like?
All boys.
Any particular look that really does it for you?
Lol. Well there are a few that i go for i guess - typical blonde twinks, and long-haired emos. I guess guys with nice hair are what i like, i dunno why though.
Do you have a hair fetish?
I wouldn't call it a fetish. It's just a 'thing', i would say. heheh.
So Emo's... what is about them... the hair, the clothes, the piercings etc?
They have piercings right?
Hahahaha, some of them. It's hard to say why... maybe it's the hair.
Lol. So boys again... tall, short, skinny, podgy, smooth, hairy, white, asian....?
Dude, i like all boys. Seriously! I can be attracted to all types. What matters most of all is what's on the inside... corny, but it's true!

So, favourite food?
Chocolate :)

Fave style of music?
Techno, trance, ambient sort of stuff.
All time fave song?
That's always changing haha. For now... it's www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/112372 but it will be different in a few days XD.
Lol.

All time fave book, and fave author (you and yours is not included lol)?
Lord of the Ringses were pretty epic, but i like Eoin Colfer's books the most. Every parent should read their kids Enid Blyton's stories too.

Fave two pieces of clothing?
Lol. I like my cargo shorts/pants... that's it lol.
Oh, ok lol

People who have inspired you?
Mrs. Oc made me want to be an author! I'm so glad i had her as a teacher. She gave me a purpose in life for the first time and i will always remember her for that.

I know you haven't really thought about college/uni, but do you think you will go there as an "out" gay man. Or, is it too early to tell yet?
I would need to have a look around once i got there before i would decide... test the waters, if you will.
That's a fair answer.
Damn right it is, bitch! lol.
Lol. You cheeky little pup!

What are your dreams, aspirations and goals for your future?

Find someone who loves me. That's the big one! Other than that, write some good stuff and get it published. I would love it if Universes was successful. Most immediate goal though, is to escape this crippling little city of mine and head to Melbourne ASAP

Ok, we'll talk about that later but I'm glad you mentioned the word "successful" there. I've no doubt you will be!

*blushes*

So why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Cos i like it when people ask me questions. haha.

Do you not hope that it may help others?
Of course.

You're an inspiration to many people, young and old(er), how do you feel about that? Any pressure?
I honestly don't think about being an inspiration, i just go about my business, and if that helps people in any small way, then that's fuckin awesome :)
But yes, there is a certain pressure that comes with where i am now. It becomes harder to give each person some individual time, because every few days i meet someone new.
I'm sure that you do, and I'm also sure that each one of those people appreciate the time you give them... including me .

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it's totally out of our control.

Ok, when did you realise that you were gay?
Only a couple of years ago.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it, but it took me a lot of struggling and time.
I guess between the time of one realising they're gay, and accepting it, they have to admit that it's beyond their control...
Very good point!

Who are you “out” to?
I'm 'out' to 3 family members, and everyone at school.
I was outed!
When i was outed to my Mum, it wasn't as bad as i expected, so i'm glad she found out.
I was NOT, however, ready to be outed at school, so that was hard beyond belief to deal with, and still is.

For any readers who don't know the story of your "outing" can you give a brief description of what happened?
Gay Porn heheh.
The word spread, and soon everybody knew.
Who found the porn?
One of my nosy 'friends'.
Is he still a friend. lol?
I think.

What reactions did you receive?
A lot of negative ones.
A few positive.
A few weird lol.
But kids like the ones in my school can be a bit... mean.

Overall, are you now glad it‘s happened?
I honestly don't know. I mean, i can be myself, but at a large cost.
What cost is that?
Insults, people shouting things at me, teasing, jokes at my expense etc.
It's hard.

So, the next question...What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I worry that the sort of life i live now (one of being teased and laughed at) is one i will have to live in the future. Other than that, i don't worry about much else.
I hope that once i get to the big city, people will be more accepting of who i am
And i will have more support.
What about your rights as a gay man, or having children etc?
I'm 15. I don't need to worry about rights yet, lol.
Children - i don't really mind what happens :) If my partner wants, or has children, i will probably be a proud parent heheh.
Lol.

And how have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
My strategy for last year was to ignore it. I tried changing that this year but i quickly reverted to that strategy and it doesn't seem to be going too well for me. lol
Do you think that's the best way, for you at least, to deal with it?
Probably not but i can't manage to change it. The best i can do right now is look for support to help deal with it, even if only on the inside. My self-confidence is a work in progress too. I'm doing my best to be more confident in my physical presence (by doing things like getting contacts and losing weight etc).
That's great, doing what you are doing. Anything that helps you is a step forward, and your answer brings me to my next question...

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
My biggest support was my teacher, Mrs OC. I can talk to her about what i'm going through, and she is helping me the best she can. She also told me about the gay youth group in my city, which i've been to a few times. Unfortunately, Mrs. OC is on long-service leave this year, so i've been without her for a while.

What about other forms of support, like the internet, groups/forums. Or, your blog and on-line friends?
Oh yeah! I don't know what i'd do without my online support. It means the world to me, seriously. It's just beyond words. I can't describe it.

I know that people lean on you, but are there any people on-line that you can lean on?
(I mean people you can really talk to.)
Yes. A couple who i really trust.
That's good, you need that trust.

I know you've visited the Gay Youth Group, but do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
Not really. But i guess i can't expect that much from my small city.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Haha. Well im already out, so people seeing me enter isnt a problem. But yes, i would look into them.

And how do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Heaps! It's given people in remote places a way to find support, just like it did for me.
Not to mention how it helps some people to accept themselves more, and all that icky stuff to do with teen suicide.
It gives people support, and that's what gays and bi's need.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
It wouldn't have been easy, to say the least. I can imagine it would have been scary for a lot of people.
I guess there would have been a lot of horny guys back then too *jokes* hehe.
Lol. Good one!
*high fives all round*

If you had grown up through those times, what do you think your life would be like now?
I'd be sad i guess... sad that life had been so hard, and that i'd missed out on a lot of things by not having any support.

Ok, now I know we've talked a little about resources, but what do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet... ?
Hehe, is that a question or a statement?
Does the internet count? cos it seems like a pretty obvious answer lol.
Yeah, it counts but what about other gay people, family, or yourself even?
Well the internet brings you closer to other gay people. People need to have support, and the internet can give everyone support... so that's my answer :)
That's fine. There is no right or wrong answer lol.
And also, the internet helps one to become a stronger person.
How?
By giving them support and advice, and help etc. Thus making one stronger, and improving other aspects of life.
And, one can accept themself more... and then with more confidence, they will venture out in search of even more support... if ya know what i mean?
Yes, I do. And can all that be said for you then?
Yes.
Good.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Sure do!
Because of reasons you've given earlier on, or are there other reasons too?
I can say what i think and feel without worrying about people knowing who i am. I don't have to worry about reactions or something... i can't explain it any better lol.
That's fine. lol.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Hmm... well i don't really think about it. It doesn't really fuss me what happens. I'm not against it or anything, just, whatever happens, happens, and it's cool.
Ok, but let's say for a moment you did want to... would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't go into a fake straight relationship. I just think that doing that willingly just to get a child, is cruel and selfish. If i wanted to, i would adopt.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene?
I never met my Dad. Mum's story was that he just 'ran away' before i was born, and we never spoke about it since.
How difficult has it been for you... not having a Father while growing up?
Hmm... It's hard to tell. I don't really have much to compare it to. It just became the norm for me, ya know?
Yes
lol

Have you ever felt jealousy towards your friends who have Fathers and "do stuff" with them?
Lol. Well of course, when i was much younger.

Do you think that not having your Father, or a male role model in your life has had an influence on your sexuality?
Nope

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My older cousin is.
Has he been able to help or support you in the past, if you've asked him that is?
I haven't asked, but i know he would if i did ask.
Do you get along with him ok then?
Yeah i guess, but we don't see each other much, or know each other that well.

So, drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Reach out!
Take that first step and you will NEVER look back. My first step was typing a nervous first entry into my blog, and look where that got me!
Now i'm someone who people can turn to and lean on for support... hey that's funny :)
I started this blog looking for support, and now i've become support for other people.
*feels fuzzy inside* lol
Bless :)
:)

So… based on your life to date as a gay teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would be gay, cos being gay is what i do best. Sexuality is such a big part of my life now, if i weren't gay, i wouldn't be me... and i love boys lol... I want one!
Lol.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Yes. I would live in a big city like Melbourne, because where i am now is full of small-minded and immature people.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would live in the future cos i want to see robots and lasers and crap lol.
But seriously, people would be more accepting in the future, so i wish i could live then. But i guess the 21st century is okay. It could be worse.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
O God... Mum's not perfect but she does her best. I won't say anything else.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Yes! I grew up lonely, and always wished i had a brother or sister to play with.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Lol. Lots. Probably due to my image issues... self-confidence etc. I could write you a list :)
Go on then!
Ugh... nose, lips, eyelids, eyebrows, hair, skin, chin and jaw, teeth, ears too!
I thought I was bad lol.
:)
So what do you think is wrong with those?
Nose too big, lips too dry, eyebrows too thick, skin not clear enough, hair too weird and doesn't sit right, eyelids are a little wrinkly or something, my chin is too big, and teeth aren't that good either.
Good?
Fab lol, thanks!

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol now you've got me started... pretty much everything, again! You want more detail, again?
Oh yes!
Ugh... hips are too wide, feet are like triangles but with huge arches, hands are too small and a bit boney, and everything else just looks weird or out of proportion... im a wreck lol.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Shyness and my physical issues, and maybe a couple of my OCD things lol.
Anything else?
Lol. Dont think so... i like my brain lol, and im glad i have the English skills i do.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Confidence and some sort of sporting ability lol.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes i think so... i see people who are sad and lonely and i just think; i'm sure there's a way out!
Everybody has the potential to be happy... EVERYBODY... but they need to stop sabotaging their own freakin lives and make an effort.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Aren't they?
Lol. I say yes, others disagree!
Well if you type 'synonyms for choice' into Google, im sure decision would come up lol... in fact i will!
Lol.
Heheh. Synonyms: alternative, appraisal, choosing, cull, cup of tea*, decision... found it, i was right lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the answers above... what do you think your life would be like at this moment in time?
I can assume i would be happy. I think i had fair answers, considering i kept my personality which is what matters most. Other things would only help me to be happier.
And confidence would play a big part in that?
Yes.

An Interview With... Kyle - Kyle's Hot Spot!

Kyle is the author of Kyle's Hot Spot! and he's a wonderful young man. He has a wicked sense of humour and he seems to be a very caring and sensitive guy too, somebody whom you would be proud to call "friend."

EDIT: Since this interview, way back in January, Kyle seems to have fallen off the map. Torchy! has already put out a call to his readers to see if anybody has heard from him, but Bob (cvn70) was the only guy who was able to offer any information at all. Even that was not very recent, so, I'm asking again... If anybody has any information about Kyle, please let us know. If it's only to say that he's ok, or (God forbid) he's not... then that at least is better than knowing nothing.

Kyle: If you're reading this... there are a lot of worried people out here. Please, please contact one of us!!!

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.


Introduction...

Name: Kyle
Age: 15
Occupation/Student: Student
Country and State/County: USA, Virginia
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay (and confused sometimes hehe)

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Music, men, books, men, games, men, cats, men. Oh and men.

Likes/Dislikes:
I dislike mean people, people who judge other people. I like all kinds of music, mostly rock. I like PanicAtTheDisco the most. I like Brad Pitt (who doesnt lol).

Loves/Hates:
I dont hate anybody but i do hate what people do sometimes. I love my parents even tho i don't like my mom sometimes. I love my friend Tasha probly more than anybody. Oh and I love animals especially cats.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I want to be a veterinarian and I also want to meet a hot guy and get married and live happily ever after lol.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Because i love talking about myself haha.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I don't know if its predetermined or not but i do know that its for sure NOT a choice.

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
Age 11, but I think in some ways i always knew it, or at least that i was different in some way.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I've accepted it, and im not in any kind of "oh I hate myself" thing, but it took me a while to get there, for a long time I thot I was just going thru a "phase" hehe.

Who are you “out” to?
Im out only to one of my friends. I do plan to be out to everybody as soon as i dont have to worry about getting kicked out and im on my own.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
With Tasha it was pretty easy because I'm pretty sure she already knew it.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
Tasha just laughed and said she knew it because she knew I was a uke (google uke if you don't know it lol) For real, she is great about it. She thinks it makes me *interesting* lol.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Positive, and yes, I'm glad I told her.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
None really, at least not after i move away from this place and live in a real city. I think people in cities are much more accepting.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi? Not personally no, but you do hear all kinds of anti-gay things from people when they don't know they are talking about YOU. Well and there's Frank who keeps calling me fairy boy, but i dont care about him.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Just Tasha, she is great and also theres some great sites on the internet about being gay that made me know it was ok. One of them is PFLAG.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
If it wasnt for the internet Id probly still think i was the only gay guy in the world lol.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Mostly I just sort of stumble into the help i need when i need it.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Online friends have been great, and Tasha has been great too.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There are NO places like that anywhere near where I live.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I'm not sure how i could go there without outing myself.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Well Ive pretty much always had the internet, and this sounds strange but i found gay porn before i found anything else about being gay, and this sounds even stranger but the porn was so great not only because its horny hehe, but because it showed me that the stuff i was thinking about really did happen and that i wasn't the only one. It would have been a lot harder without the internet.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
I can't even imagine it. Id probly stay in the closet forever.

What do you think your life would be like now?
Lonely.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
I dont think anything is better than a real live friend you can talk too.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Yes, for now.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
About my parents, they got divorced about well almost 4 yrs ago now and my dad has moved away. I only see him maybe a couple times a year. I guess my mom has had the biggest influence on me and not really in a good way, she's a alcoholic and thats mostly why i dont drink. My dad is a good man, i wish i was living with him instead of my mom. I love my mom don't get me wrong, but i wish she would at least try to quit drinking.
About if my parents had anything to do with my being gay--I have no idea at all. It doesn't seem like it but who knows?

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Yes.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No I would never do that, my husband and i will adopt a baby.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
I'd just tell anybody who doesn't know that they are not alone, and that they are not sick or evil or weird they are just gay the way God made them to be! And you got to deal with anti-gay people in reality, but what they THINK does NOT MATTER. You are a good person, gay or not, if YOU CHOOSE to be a good person.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Yes, when do we get the sex questions??? Hehe yeah Im kind of pervy sometimes. Um, sorry.

Based on your life to date as a gay teenager, and If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Gay, because I believe that is how God made me to be, and really I can't even imagine being straight, I wouldn't be me. Also what would I do about all the hawt men if I was not gay???? hehe

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
I guess i would choose to do the coming out thing the way i am now, a little at a time. About being straight acting, well I guess im not totally straight acting because some ppl have already figured out Im gay, but I don't know what it is Im doing that gives it away because I don't think Im "acting" at all, its just who i am.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
YES!! I see these youtube vids of guys my age in cities like New York or places like that and they are totally out and they even kiss each other in public and nobody thinks its a big deal. I live in a place where if I did that Id probly get shot, so yeah, that's a BIG YES.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Sometimes i wish i lived in ancient Greece lol. But for real, no. I would want to live in this time.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
1--I wish my mom was sober 2--I wish they didn't get divorced 3--I wish they were more accepting about gay people.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Maybe a sister would be ok, never really thot about it much.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I wish my lips were bigger lol.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I wish i was more muscular and less skinny.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Well you wouldn't know it from things i say on the internet, but in real life im pretty shy and i dont make friends very easily, so i wish i wasn't so shy.


What personality traits would you choose to have?
Courage, which maybe i do have but Ive never had that tested very much.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes, I believe that we have free will.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Hmmm im not sure i understand this question. I think they ARE the same thing, but I DONT think "preferences" are the same thing as "choices" or "decisions" if thats where you are coming from here. A "preference" like being gay (or liking chocolate for that matter) is not something you can control, a choice or decision IS something you can control.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
Probably not a whole lot different except Id have bigger lips and more muscles and be less shy lol. I guess Im actually pretty ok with how my life is as it is, even if things arent perfect. Oh, well yeah, if my mom was sober that would make a huge difference, so I guess Ill still wish for that one.

An Interview With... Mr HCI - Castoffs

Mr. HCI (Horribly-Charred Infant) is the author of the Castoffs blog. He's very much into music and used to play in a band called Happy Flowers. I'm afraid I don't know much more about him (apart from what he has shared with us below), except he's about 4 months younger than me. So, I guess you'd better get over to his blog (click on the link above) and find out for yourself :)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.


Introduction...

Name: Mr. HCI
Age: 45
Occupation/Student: programmer/analyst
Country and State/County: USA, Georgia
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: 100% gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Music, record shopping, movies, blogging, reading.

Likes/Dislikes:
Broccoli/Beets.

Loves/Hates:
My husband/People who think I don't deserve the same rights they enjoy due to my sexual orientation.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To legally marry my husband, to see more of the world.


The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
The more people of all stripes understand about us, the better.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
If it's not 100% predetermined, then it's 99%. Regardless of predetermination, it's definitely not a choice. I've been told by some folks that it's just not a conscious choice. Well, it's not a choice, then, is it!!!!!

When did you realise that you were gay?
At age 11, when I discovered masturbation and immediately had sexual fantasies involving only other boys. I was a bit curious about girls but don't recall having a single sexual fantasy about them when I was younger. In fact, I can recall precisely one masturbation fantasy that involved a female in my entire life. When I had a girlfriend for six months when I was 17, I had no interest whatsoever in having sex with her.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
My realization was at age 11, though I had my first boy crush the summer I turned nine. Acceptance didn't come 'til I was 28. I first came out as bisexual, when I was just shy of 26, but I was lying to myself. I didn't come out to even a second person until over a year later. And I didn't finally accept that I am in no way bisexual 'til I was 29.

At age 11, it didn't occur to me that I might be gay. I just knew that boy bodies were much more interesting than girl bodies and that "boy" was a very erotic word (odd thought for an 11-year-old, huh?). It was the early/mid 1970s, though, and gay was just not a realistic option, so I did what I could to try to convince myself I was straight.

Who are you “out” to ?
Everyone.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
Very.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice but not without pressure . . . pressure meaning it was my "first time" with someone and it was a girl. I couldn't finish the deed and I eventually admitted I was attracted to guys. We did have a relationship for just shy of a year but she dumped me, luckily; it would not have worked in the long run.

What reactions did you receive?
All accepting, thankfully.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
100% positive.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
My biggest fear is assault. My second biggest fear is losing what progress we've made in this country. If Sarah Palin had her way, for instance, it would be illegal for my husband to get health insurance through my employer.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I do my best to not take any crap.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
None.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Had there been resources and support when I was younger, I probably would've come out much earlier than 28.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I just did what I could to suppress everything. In addition, I read everything I could find and just about everything I read indicated same-sex attraction was a normal phase for boys and it would go away. So I waited. The only thing I read that didn't tell me it was just a phase was The Joy of Gay Sex, which was first published when I was 13. I became very skilled at slipping away and flipping through it at bookstores every chance I got.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I saw a therapist for a few months when I was 27. That was a big help as she was the second person I told I was not straight.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I'm not sure as I've not utilized any here. On the other hand, there's a local organization for LGBTQQ youth and my husband and I became adult volunteers there around three months ago.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
When I was younger, I would've been too embarrassed. There was a Gay Student Union at my college but I was terrified of it. I was curious but no one could know!

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Immensely! I think the 'net is the best thing to have ever been invented for gay/bi kids. Sure, there are dangers (predators luring kids into dangerous situations) but the fact that kids all over the world are finding that there are other kids like themselves, and the global support network that they're building out of this is just absolutely incredible.

If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think my life would be very different, indeed. I almost certainly would not have waited 'til I turned 28 to come out. I probably also would not have dated the two girls I did, or had sex with the second. On the other hand, if my youth had been different, I wouldn't be with my husband today and I wouldn't give him up for anything.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The Internet for the reason already stated.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I'm not all that anonymous 'cause the pseudonym I use has been linked to my real name for years. It'd not be all that difficult to find out who I am and where I live. I'm not too worried, but I'm also neither a teenager nor in the closet, so I don't have that need for anonymity that many folks do.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My parents are just shy of celebrating their 47th anniversary, so yes, they were both on the scene. They both have influenced me though my mom probably a bit more. As for relatives, I don't even know of any distant relatives that aren't straight.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Yes, but we're too old to adopt an infant and we don't have the financial wherewithal to properly raise a child, either. I get very depressed about it sometimes.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't fake anything. Adoption would be a definite option if we were younger and better off financially. I have a friend who I'd consider for surrogacy but I couldn't ask that of her.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Learn to accept yourself! Don't hate yourself for being gay. Don't fight it like I did. Living in fear sucks. On the other hand, think carefully about your actions when you decide to come out. If you think your parents will not be accepting, make sure you are able to live without their aid, should they disown you. It breaks my heart that that still happens.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Not that I can think of but it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Life would be easier if I were straight . . .
Life would be more complicated if I were bisexual . . .
I'd choose to be gay because I really can't imagine being any other way. In addition, gay sex is way more intense and emotionally powerful than straight sex.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
I did my best to never put on a false face in the coming out process, though I did go through a phase of dressing pretty damn gay. Nowadays, it's primarily jeans or shorts and band shirts.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No. I love being in a diverse neighborhood with both straight and gay neighbors and I love being just outside a major city with a large gay population.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I used to wish when I was younger that I lived in ancient Greece when it was OK to have sex with other boys but, from what I understand, it wasn't so acceptable for adults and anal was right out, so no thanks! I also used to wish I lived in Morocco a few decades ago when boys were allegedly encouraged to have sex with each other in order to have an outlet prior to marriage. Again, I don't think same-sex relationships were acceptable amongst adults.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they were in better health.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I wish I had green eyes but mine are hazel and that's close-ish.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I need to lose weight and get back in shape. I want to fit in my old clothes again!

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
My remarkable ability to procrastinate. My shyness.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Not sure.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Most definitely! Life hands us a set of circumstances and it's up to us to choose what to do with them. For us gay folk, we can either choose to accept ourselves as we were born and live and love openly or we can shun our true nature and do what we can to hurt those who do not. It really saddens me when I hear about yet another homophobic preacher, politician, what have you caught with a dick in his mouth.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Not exactly, though I can't really spell out how they're different other than you can decide to make a choice. Then again, you can choose to make a decision too. My head hurts.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
It's hard to say. Had I come out when I was a teenager, I might be dead as I was 17 as the AIDS crisis began. On the other hand, I would not have been promiscuous no matter what age I came out, so AIDS wouldn't necessarily have been a big risk for me. The biggest difference would probably be that my husband and I might have had kids had we met sooner.

An Interview With... Peter - Formerly of Peter's Blog.

Peter is a fine young man who until recently, was is the author of Peter's Blog (formerly known as Gay Boy From PA). He is a keen James Bond fan and an aficionado on the American Civil War. Peter also enjoys reading and learning about The Titanic... more specifically about the actual ship rather than the human aspect. He plans to create a number of blogs devoted to The Titanic, The American Civil War and WWII in the near future and I'm sure they will make for some fascinating reading. You can view Peter's profile current blog here.

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Introduction...

Name: Peter
Age: 17
Occupation/Student: Student
Country and State/County: Pennsylvania, USA
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Masturbation lol.

Likes/Dislikes:
Likes: Ships, James Bond.
Dislikes: Certain people….one of them writes this blog… lol just kidding.

Loves/Hates:
Loves: The Titanic.
Hates: Attention seekers. At least ones who over seek.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To become a Naval Architect…..maybe.


The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I was forced!!!! Lol no, I wanted to cos... well I have no idea why lol.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
Who would choose to be part of a minority so you can get picked on and all that?

When did you realise that you were gay?
I knew that I was different very young, but I didn’t officially start labeling myself as gay until I was about 15 years old maybe.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it. I know that it is something that I can’t change so there is no reason not to accept it.

Who are you “out” to ?
Other gay people on here and one of my friends in real life.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
It took a while to get up the courage, but after it was all said and done with I felt better.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
A neutral one.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Even though it was only to one person, that made me feel so much better inside. I’d have to say it was a positive one.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
Hmmm, this one’s a tuffy. I don’t know really.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
No…not yet.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
Internet.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Definitely helped me in a lot of ways. I can’t imagine living without the internet.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Both, but I’m sure I have stuck it out without help more than I have asked or searched for it.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Only the best kind from my cyber pals ^_^. Even if I don’t always follow it.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I don’t know. I don’t use them so I really don’t even know what GLBT stands for, but I don’t think there are any around here.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I would be way too shy, probably for all those reasons.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
(Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.)
It has been a great help to me, so I’m sure others have taken advantage of it. If they haven’t, then they really need to.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Probably not as well as I am today.

What do you think your life would be like now?
I would probably not be out to anyone, so therefore I would be a lot lonelier.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Blogging, because you meet so many people here who are like you, and others who want to help.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I don’t have a real concern for my safety here, but I probably would if I was somewhere else.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Mom was definitely the biggest influence in my life. No gay/bi relatives that I know of.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Not really, just someone to be with.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No kids for me. But I would not enter into a straight relationship just to be with someone.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Start your own blog!! It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have made a bunch of friends that I can actually talk to here.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
You can’t change it so don’t worry about it so much. If you have an interest in guys then you are probably gay or at least bi. Don’t try to change that.


Based on your life to date as a gay teenager...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Straight because they have an easier live it seems than gays.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
Ummm….not sure.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No, not really. I like my little town.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
No way!!! This is the best time in history to live….maybe that’s because I didn’t live in any other time period… o_O

What would you choose to change about your parents?
Their marital status. I would have preferred to have parents who aren’t divorced.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
I have 4 brothers and that’s way more than enough!!!

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would definitely not want to have the facial paralysis.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol. I don’t know.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Ah, defiantly procrastination and laziness... shouldn’t I be doing school work right now? lol.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Ummm… I don’t know.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes and no. I think the little things are influenced by us, but not the big things. I just made that up lol.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Lol, that is such a philosophical question (and the last one wasn’t?). I have no answer.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
A little better than it is now.

An Interview With... Ken - FENCE RIDER

Ken is the author of FENCE RIDER blog. He enjoys photography, fishing and the beach. I believe he's a Sci-Fi and Fantasy fan too.

Please visit his blog at the above link.

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting. I found it fascinating.

Introduction...

Name: Ken Johnson
Age: 59
Occupation: Retail support
Country and State/County: USA,NC, Dare
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Gardening, photography, fishing, doing good for others, and walking the dogs. I live on a golf course, next to the ocean. If your not familiar with the outer banks of North Carolina, it’s a long sandbar along the coast. . My county is 100 miles long and a half mile wide, with water on both sides. My rent is cheap. I am only two miles from work.

Likes/Dislikes:
I like a beer before bed, pain free days, pretty flowerbeds, and good landscaping. blond haired young men.
I dislike pushy women who want to be my girlfriend.

Loves/Hates:
I love hugs and how dogs can love so forgivingly.
I hate rejection.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I have given up on most of my dreams. I just try to get through the day without building up any false expectations with other people. I have no goals cept maybe to find the energy to spend more time on the beach this summer with a camera.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I would like to express my feelings. If only I understand them better, then it is good.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think along the way in life minor choices were made that influenced our preference. Early on bi is possible, later this will cause serious conflicts and a choice will be made. I don't believe we are predetermined. we start developing preferences at an early age then we follow a course of action to satisfy those preferences.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In the 5th grade I developed a non-physical relationship with a friend of my older brother. We became close. I really was in love with him. He could have had his way with me anytime.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I did not want to accept early on. I feared rejection and consequences. I married a girl with a boyish face, a miserable 8yrs. When that was over, Aids came out. Fear of Aids drove me deeper in the closet. I believe I accept it now. I know what my preference is. I now have religious convictions and am struggling with what choice to make. I am a strong believer. I am not a joyous christian. Health issues and male menopause have all but taken away sexual ability.

Who are you “out” to?
I am out to only a few close friends who are mostly gay women, and a few young men who I have blundered in upon when they were having sex in the mens room. They deny they're that way and reject me. We were good friends before the incident. Now if anybody was to ask I would say" yes I am gay." It would be just as easy as saying "yes I am a christian". This is not a conflict for me. I know I am not perfect. I know I am forgiven.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
I came out when I was suffering heartbreak over a broken relationship and I needed someone gay to talk to. It was not hard, they didn’t say it but they knew all along. My heartache broke down the barriers.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
I came out by the circumstances in the previous answer. I am blessed that past work experiences have given me many openly gay friends whose kindness I will forever appreciate. I think mom has known since the fifth grade, she was harsh then but has suffered in silence ever since.

What reactions did you receive?
Nothing but kindness.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I was greatly relieved that I didn't have to continue the lie anymore.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I fear my church family. I separate my two lives. I guess there I can never come out of the closet. That’s unfair, church is a family place. People are rightly concerned about their children.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I fear my church, they would place sanctions on me if I was "out" there. This has to be worked on. I am not a pedophile. The "straight" parents won't want me around the children if I come out there. I'm dealing with my own heart here.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
I was an army brat. There was nothing in the sixties for support. 'Homo's" were only old perverts back then. It did not happen in the schools. Gay teachers, like my high school wrestling coach, were just transferred instead of prosecuted. Nobody wanted to make it public. It just didn't exist.


What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
I have had to deal with my feelings entirely alone. when I was young contact with other gay boys was to scary even though I lived in Wash dc suburbs. the gay places were way to scary.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I always took the grin and bear it route. I am a Vietnam war vet decorated for valor on the battlefield. My feelings scared me more than battle. I never had anyone I felt I could talk to.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I live in a small town. The gay community here is very transparent. There is a large HIV+ group here but they have only the county health department to help them.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There is only a battered women's shelter here run by the gay women.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I could go in now. Not too long ago I would cross the street to avoid it.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
I don't know. Outside of this survey, I have only used the internet as a source of gay porn. I think there are a lot of bloggers, who use the internet to express their gay feelings anonymously.


If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think if more positive resources had been available I might have broken through the barrier much earlier. That was also in the pre-AIDS time. I know AIDS, early on, took a large toll on the gay men's population, all the openly gay men I knew at the time disappeared. Maybe my problem was I never met the right guy early on. I knew some but they never survived the war.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet is a good medium. It has avenues of self expression with encouragement. It has support links, entertainment, and avenues for personal growth.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
The net allows some anonymity, but in the long run you only hide from yourself.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
They were both around. I rebelled from them both pretty equally. I spent more time with mom so I respect her the least. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Dad never did anything with me except addict me to cigarettes at an early age. He blamed me for difficulties he had in his career path. Mom was stuck trying to mold and shape me, I rebelled and was running the streets by the time I was twelve years old. Dads military career, and the baby boomer thing, caused me to be shuffled around a lot. I was in a different school every year from the fourth grade on. I have never been any good at forming relationships.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Not that I know of except maybe my son. He has avoided me for the last ten years. He will be thirty this year and still lives at home with his mom and step dad. My nephew once expressed gay feelings when he had to much wine. He also is near thirty and still lives at home.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
I had one. I would only like to have a better relationship with my own children.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I enjoyed being a dad. I was not a joyous spouse. At church I have enjoyed being a surrogate grandfather.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
I would say break loose. You are the source of your own misery. The world is far more liberal now. The community is much bigger. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will open.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Fear of rejection has left me old and tired. Don't follow my ways.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would still want to be gay. I prefer the beauty of the male body. I would hope the second time I would not be so hindered by fear.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa?(List as many as you want to)
I wish I could have come out earlier.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
I would only like a different place because this place is very closeted. I like the totally laid back atmosphere of the beach.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would like to be a younger age, but this time period is the right one to be in.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they hadn't blamed me for my conception.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Siblings are cool when you get older.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would like my hair to be blond again, and a little fuller. Vanity.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be in shape. It would be healthy and more attractive.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Being timid, lacking self confidence, being suspicious of other peoples motives.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Outgoing, and spontaneously friendly.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes, every choice we make has consequences. These consequences are the forces that affect our course in life. Every consequence leads to more choices.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is to choose between two things. A decision is to pick one of the choices then to follow through all the consequences.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I would be in a long relationship with someone from my youth. We would have a comfortable business. Life would not have been so full of it's terrible ups and downs. I also would not be wasting so much time on the internet.

An Interview With... JC - JC (messiah)

If you don't know who he is yet, fellow Brit JC is the author of JC blog. He writes poetry, music and his own lyrics. He's one cool guy!

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...

Age: 19
Occupation/Student: forensic student
Country and State/County: nottz/uk
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: ermm bi sexual but turning more gay and also confused

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes: making music, drinking, relaxing, having a laught

Likes/Dislikes: Hmm well i like to drive, i like to get wasted, i dislike ppl who irate me. I like a lot of stuff and dislike a lot of stuff

Loves/Hates: Isn’t this kinda the same as like and dislike? I love my dead rabbit, replaced by a rabbit not love as much, i love to know to that i have a time limit, hate to know that i am just human.love making ppl laught, but hate when there laught when it is not funny.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
Dream: to be a singer rapper, but just live in a normal house and life with the fame and money
Goals: to be a copper, and police dog and find someone to love.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
The same reason why i agreed to give blood, why not,hopefully i can do good and give my side of the world that i am trying to find.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
Never 1 or 2, always both, we are born the mind, and we are shaped to be the way we are, it is not a choice, but a name

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
errrmm kinda know when i was about 14/15, but kinda just ignored it and hope it would pass.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
As time comes by i think we all accept it, it like looking at the guy in the wheel chair, we make fun of him of not being to walk, and think thankgod i can walk, thinking i will never be like that, thinking it cant happen to me, we can easily realise it but many are scared to accept it, its like there just don’t teach u for this to happen

What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
i think this can be true, i think many young guys are bi, but as life goes on there more likely straight or gay, i just don’t think there wanna label them self yet

Do you feel that your life has been “easier” and people are more accepting of you as a bisexual person, than if you were gay?
Yepo, cause people can still feel there can still relate about somthing, there can still say, check out that girl.

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Ermmm my mates, and probabal some strangers know, and i think my sister has a idea.
Well i got to tell my family one day, and i also think thats the hardest but there got plans for u, cause there care.

How difficult was it for you?
My kinda out, was kinda easy, i used a test reaction to my mate, with a text

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
Kinda by choice and not, it was killing me inside not be quite wat i wasn’t and not telling my mates

What reactions did you receive?
I got a hug and there saying there all cool with it, like there been expecting it

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I say its a step to the fututure, the time to have fun

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Being ridiculed, not being accepted, being beaten up, being alone

Have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Nope not yet, and if i do, i just joke it off or we go toe to toe.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Ermmmmmmmmmmm, watcha dodoa duno wnuino

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?:
Help for what, i have searched for help, when it comes too much and u need to share the problems

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I get the advice, but it isn’t the advice that helps, it that some one is listening, that someone care, and that helps

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
What is glbt, where is this community, is there one is my place

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Paranoid if someone saw me walked into one yes, don’t know if i visted one, i probably go to see all the hots guys

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.
yes it seems too doesn’t it, the internet is great for this, because we don’t have to fear about being founded so we can connect.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Hmm i go mad, live a lie, it wouldn’t be pretty, trust me

What do you think your life would be like now?
i imagine a black and white picture, with a tint of blue

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
ermmm can i say me, please let me say me

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
yes, we all need a hididng place. A place away from the place.but with a window

Do you want a family?
i do, but wat kinda life wil i have, is it socalily posisble

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
knowing me, straight

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
come out to ur mates, but i mean the really good ones, never hide who u are, but don’t be a fool.be smart, but don’t be too quick to judge ur self, just have fun

Is there anything else you’d like to add?:
yes do to the unforeseen sight of the uk, i need to ask u a question, and my question is...
Do u think this makes my bum look big in this. Hmmm, does it?


So… based on your life to date as a bisexual teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
if could chose, obvious the answear would be straight, why wouldn’t it be, but and there is always a but, i wouldn’t, and i gues that wouldn’t, gues i know i couldn’t, i know that wouldn’t be me and i be living in some parell universe, the question is why chose.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
i am out to my mates, and i try to think i am straight acting, but when would i like to come out, as soon as i knew, i and i gues i did, as i always half know but wasn’t quite sure, sometimes i still i am, and to my parents i wouldn’t want to let, only when i have a job, a nice house and stable in the life.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Sunny australia, or france, seem very nice, britian seems very dull, i lived here and it seems like i been here to long, like a new part of a life, needs a fresh start.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Sometimes i feel like i am in the wrong time, i liked the 90’s, but wat about the future, couldn’t say till i know what it was like

What would you choose to change about your parents?
More richer, i gues, and my mum is alright, but my dad is alright, but we does come from the 1950’s where the views of today wasn’t heard of, maybe he will be alright but i know there will also be that thing in the back of his mind, saying if only.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
Errmm more brothers my age, that would be cool, having sister around ur age can send u crazy.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
ermm i think my skin, nothing really, if a person asked, i would tell u to do what u think

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I will do what ever one would do, be more toned, but i gues i can do that if i worked out

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Hmmm i guess to loose the essence of being the guy who is lost. Guess i don’t want to be lost no more.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
More confidence, to do anything that i want and to tell it like it is., and why cause i want to do, but i wont

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
what i agree with is that we live by examples we lived and each person will live as there need to be, why some will make the choices to make sense, and the rest will go with the flow to see where end up, and is it beyond our power of influence or control, in the end i gues it always will be.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is somthing we think about while the decisions is the final act of the choice we have taken and we try to stick by it

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
Hmmm with better parents, with better looks and a nice coolo place, somthing beyond my control i think, don’t ya agree?

An Interview With... Seth - Sethboyardee.

If you don't know who he is yet, Seth is the author of Sethboyardee blog. He's a very popular man in the gay/bi blogging world, and rightly so! He's recently re-designed his excellent blog and so it's really easy to view it and get to know all about him.

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...

Age: 32
Occupation/Student: Unemployed / Chef
Country and State/County: USA, New Jersey
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Always confused, but Gay.

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Reading, chatting online, collecting porn, blogging, sleeping, eating/cooking

Likes/Dislikes:
I dislike the entire “celebrity” concept, how stars and people are glorified and overpaid for no real reason. But I’ll not get too much into that. I LOVE food, love cooking, eating, thinking about food. Love cuteboys and eye-candy of course. I like my peace and quiet. Music assorted tastes everything from classical to big band to cutting edge club music. Reading, lots and lots of fiction thrillers.

Loves/Hates:
Despise anything political. Its all Bullshit. (can we curse here?). Love my two “babies” – cats Pinky and Tyler. Not really sure on religious views, but I really don’t get much into that.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To own my own business. Probably realistically something food-related, either a restaurant, café, etc. A gourmet hot chocolate store (selling various brands, made-to-order, etc. is one of my dreams.


The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I’m pretty open about some parts of my life, and enjoy sharing with others. Perhaps something in my experiences or views can help someone else. Results may vary.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I believe its pre-determined in some way – genetically? Upbringing/childhood? Not totally sure, but unless its some sort of trendy “oh, look, I’m gay” sort of thing, I don’t think we have a choice.

When did you realise that you were gay?
Well, perhaps around beginning of highschool. But officially / admitting it, not until after my first semester at college. After I got past my highschool thoughts that “I’ll grow out of it, get a girlfriend, and be normal once I get to college”.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I realized it long before I accepted it in myself. Even in hindsight, there were signs much younger that I now see. Again, I somehow thought it was something WRONG WITH ME, that I would “get over it” and “become normal” later in life. Of course, that was mostly of product of my absolute clueless-ness about the whole issue. Not any bias or family values, just pure clueless about what was really going on. Sort of “gee, WHY do I like all the boys in my class?”

(For bisexual interviewees) What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
(not bi, but I figured I’ll add my thoughts here) – I do believe people are bisexual, attracted to members of both sexes for various reasons. However, its also a “label” issue for some people, who can’t quite admit and feel they have to cover themselves in a half-way plausible excuse. (But, that’s not a “bad” thing for everyone, I suppose).

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Everyone, except perhaps Grandma. But she did stop asking me, several years ago, “when I am getting married” so… who knows? But, I don’t hide it from anyone, most if not all of my current friends are from the gay community. People who meet me never seem to assume that I am gay, (always assume I’m hetero, which gets annoying) – so sometimes I feel like I should wear a t-shirt advertising the fact up front. I went through periods early in my coming out years, of being “rainbow” – covered in rainbow stickers, etc. Now, I’m just me, being me, but I still hate when people just assume I’m hetero. Also, I recently “came out” to my old highschool friends, well, not really actively except for my best friends, but I re-connected via MySpace and Facebook, and my profiles certainly don’t hide the fact I like boys more than girls.

(If you’re “out” at all) How difficult was it for you?
Thankfully, very easy. I’m blessed to never have experienced any problems, or issues, or violence, etc in my life. Of course, as I mentioned, in highschool prior to college, I thought I would cure myself, so I suppose that could be counted as some internal/mental “difficulty” with coming out and accepting myself.

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
Mom was first – she was fine with it, just concerned I wouldn’t get hurt or anything, in her usual Mom concern.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Positive, definitely glad. I doubt I could have continued deluding myself for long, especially as I matured and gained knowledge.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Thankfully, again, I’ve been blessed with not having any major issues. Knock on wood, it will stay that way. I do fear any sort of violence, but I also don’t really GO anyplace that might be construed as dangerous in any way, so its somewhat moot, although it can happen anywhere.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Once again, I have been extremely lucky in the fact that I’ve never really had any issues, always had people accepting, and the environments I have lived in have always been positive.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Through highschool, I had no resources whatsoever. (This was the first part of the 90’s, so the “Internet” was not yet prevalent. No Google, etc. However, I did get online right after highschool, using BBS chat rooms (with a dialup 33.6k modem OY!!!) and began learning and exploring the gay community. (And lots of cybersex LOL). One “resource” I would like to mention, because it made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my life, was the book “The Best Little Boy In The World” by John Reid (really Andrew Tobias, using a pseudonym). This book was – well, it just opened my eyes and blew me away, a true awakening that I was NOT the only one in the world bearing the “burden” of being different, not the only one struggling with my huge secret. Amazing book, highly recommended.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Now, I can’t think of life before Google. But back then, the use of the BBS chat etc, was a huge factor in my growth/discovery/acceptance. Just talking with other people, then eventually going out and MEETING other people in real life, made a huge impact on the second part of my life.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Once I got online, started asking questions and learning things, it was much easier.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I live about half-way between New York City and Philadelphia, NYC being one of the largest gay communities in the entire country, and Philadelphia also having a huge gay community. However, in my state (NJ) there are only a few organizations available, which seems somewhat odd. There is a “Pride Center”, a large “activist” group which also offers support/social/activites/groups., and a couple of social, political, and health/mental health/support groups. The local universities/colleges have gay groups, but none very active as far as I can determine. There used to be a youth coming out/ support group, but its been disbanded due to the prevalence of the internet offering more resources. It seems, generally, that things have gotten somewhat less “active” due to the internet, and the way society has changed. Of course, in the two big cities, there are a lot of resources also. It would be nice to see a little bit more cohesiveness between various groups, and more easily accessible information, even online.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
(Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.)
I’ll mention the book again, The Best Little Boy In The World, which I believe took place in the 1970’s , and offers a pre-internet view. In the past, the only “resources” were gay bars, (and the problems inherent with that), or perhaps some stereotypical and unapproachable persons in the community. It was a very “underground” and inaccessible sort of thing. But for me, coming up into adulthood just as the internet took hold, has been a huge factor in the gay community. Of course, hand in hand with the internet making resources and information much more available, the gay rights movements have made much progress in the last, say, 15 years or so. The Internet has opened things up, and people can, for example, Google. Or chat in a gay chat room. (Which is both a good and a bad thing) Even people “coming out” can explore their desires, learn information, and just be able to talk (chat) with people from all over, with all sorts of experience and advice. That’s how it was for me, at any rate.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Oy. It’s a shame no one in the past did studies on rates of suicide for gay teens, etc. Of course, they wouldn’t have been able to FIND them, so…. Personally, I think I might have gone longer with not accepting myself, perhaps even stayed in the closet, or internalized things, or hidden my true thoughts.

What do you think your life would be like now?
Hard to contemplate those sort of questions. But, thankfully as I’ve mentioned, I’ve had a good ride so far. Not sure if I would have, if things had been different.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Actually, I think a lot of resources are very disjointed. Said above, I’d like to see more cohesiveness in the entire gay community, and even the gay internet community, as far as resources go. Things are fragmented – gay chat, gay classifieds (sex, etc) but also gay blogs, gay websites, gay magazines in the stores, reports in the media – things have become so prevalent in life its hard to NOT hear something about “gay” at least once a week in the mainstream media.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Nooooooooo. I hate little screaming children. LOL. Although, I sometimes do feel sad that I will be the last one of my family, there will be no future generation to carry on our name. Perhaps someday, adopting – provided they come packaged and ready to ship right off to college ha ha ha to avoid all the fuss.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No fake relationships. Unless I met a really hot chick. Ha ha. But no, probably adoption, never really gave much thought to surrogacy.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up an only child (with Mom). They were divorced when I was very young, and Dad was never much in my life. After 8th grade, I think I have seen him 3 or 4 times. Basically, I just kind of accepted that he was not part of my life, and that was that.

Has your mum had much of an influence on your life?
In fact a HUGE influence, but thats because she's insane. LOL.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Unfortunately no. One cousin may or may not be a lesbian, but we're leaning towards not. Shes just a spinster at this point. (And, for humor, my two gorgeous-twin-17-year-old-emo-boy cousins, are not. *sigh*)

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Sometimes, part of me can’t believe how much angst and stress and problems that people go through, even today, a new generation or two later in time. How people still have issues with coming out, pretending, denial, and even ignorance. It seems as if there is so much information at everyone’s fingertips today – Google alone – amazing wealth of resources. However as I mentioned earlier, I think there is still a lot of incohesive aspect to resources – you’d have to dig around to find some local things that would be of use. However, there are great online resources, and you can pretty much remain anonymous while you explore them. I think if people are really serious about seeking help, its easy to find a place to start.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Might have some comments later…


So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Based on the way I watch heteros behave, I think I would still want to be gay. But generally speaking, I am a unique person, no matter what/who I choose. Even though gay men are definitely perverted sex fiends (LOL) – there is not that “machismo” macho competitive age. In other words, gay men don’t behave like cavemen fighting over the women. Sure, some bitch slapping and heated words now and then, but generally speaking its not a base competition. On the flip side of the coin, of course, is the stigma and issues associated with being gay. Someone reasonable might say, gosh, look at all the things gay people have to suffer and endure, I rather “fit in” easily. To me, being unique is the most important – and I suppose I could do that whichever direction I chose. Of course another contradictory thought would be “well, gay people ARE normal we are just like everyone else” – but that’s opening a whole other can of worms and getting too complex. So, I guess what I am angling towards is, do we choose the easy path, or the difficult road, in terms of sexuality?

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
My coming out process went very smoothly, I don’t think I’d change much of anything since I really could not have asked for better circumstances, or less drama, or anything else. So, the IF part was already taken care of, wouldn’t make that any different.
The WHEN part. Well, wow, I guess I really wish I would have come out earlier – say, 9th grade or sometime in early highschool years. Mostly, because I would have saved myself 4 years of stress and frustration. I would have been better able to enjoy, and take advantage of, what in retrospect I truly believe were golden years. Living more comfortably with myself, having come out earlier, would have been a blessing.

I’d of course have come out to “everyone”. With a bang, perhaps?
I sort of hover in the middle as far as how I percieve myself to be. Most people say I am very straight acting (hell, I worked as a bouncer) and most people never even know I’m gay. Of course, my friends all say (in their own campy way) “oh well, gee, how could someone NOT know you are gay you’re so flaming and flamboyant?” However, at times it makes it difficult, in some way – I often want to shout out LOOK AT ME, I AM REALLY GAY, especially when I try and flirt (which I am not very good at) and it just goes right over some cute boys head, since he just assumes I’m str8. Does that make sense?

Also, I kind of dislike the term “str8 acting” since acting, is well, fake. Does that mean someone is consciously trying NOT to be campy/flamboyant? Putting on a different role? I think it really comes down to someone being self-assured of their own sexuality, and ideally not having to “express” it in any significant way. In other words, just being yourself.

On the other hand, I don’t really like to be campy. I’m not good at it either. I’m not very “gay” in terms of “gay things” in life – you might say I’m lacking my gay culture and couture. So, it also feels like I have to force myself to try and “act” a certain way, rather than just being myself.
Gosh this feels like some sort of philosophy exam or existentialism or something. Who am I? Why am I? J

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Well, I can’t really say for sure. I’ve grown up in the same state my entire life, basically. I have not traveled extensively, so I can only imagine or dream of other places. I would love to live someplace coastal. Especially Maine. I have a thing for Maine, even though I've only been there once, briefly. I think I really fit well with the temperament (as well as the climate) of the New England areas. Or someplace rural, a nice "small town America" with open space and farms and peace-and-quite. I could never, for example, imagine myself living someplace warm like Florida, although I do often think about someplace like California, sun and surf. Other worldwide destinations, not really thought of much.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Hmm. I can't imagine going backwards in time, being so used to modern convienences - like, what would I do without my internet connection?!!? But I suppose going way back to Medieval times would be exciting, I've always loved reading about that period in history. Or perhaps a nice refined existence in the Victorian period, or something in the 1800's and early 1900's. I also can't imagine going into the future, because the way things are shaping up, and the way society is going, the future seems pretty scary.


What would you choose to change about your parents?
Heh Heh. You can HAVE Mom. LOL just kidding, I love her dearly. I grew up without Dad, so I don’t really know how much different life would be had I had a father figure in life. As it were, Mom has tried her whole life to be Mom, Dad, friend, sibling, and provider to me. Tough job, perhaps she’s overcompensated just a tad !!! I suppose the ideal “American Dream” family (mom, dad, brother, sis, dog, cat, white picket fence, etc) has some appeal, if just for “normalcy”. But then, from everything I have seen, there is no such thing as normal when it comes to family.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
I doubt it. I enjoyed the privilege and rank of being an only child. Not coming from a wealthy family, I wouldn’t have had half the toys, half the love, or all of Mom’s attention!! So call me greedy, but I could not / would not want to – have shared my life with someone else.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Oy. Full cranial and facial reconstruction!!! Just chop off my head and start over, but plug my brain into the new one. I hate my looks, hate taking pictures. Recently, I don’t like my double chin, my receding hairline, or just the general look of my face at all. Of course, who I would choose to look like, or how… not sure.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
This is rather – personal and perhaps TMI. But. Well, lets start with losing 100 pounds, make that 120 pounds. That would eliminate a lot of the blubber and sagging fat. Get rid of the stomach, the man-boobies (but leave the nipples oh so sensitive!! – sorry, TMI), and the whale-thighs. I can deal without muscles. I could use some ummm… larger genitalia, to be polite. Oh, and recently I’ve become aware that my back is pretty hairy = gross. I’m a big-boned person (ha ha not like that) – I feel my bones are very strong and sturdy, so I do like that. And I do enjoy being TALL. If someone asks my “favorite” body part, for some reason I tend to like my calves. Except I’ve recently noticed a small spot of varicose veins. (Sigh) old age is coming fast, and the body is saying hey buddy, you passed 30 its all downhill from here.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Not so much personality traits, because I’m narcissitically in love with myself. But, I’d certainly choose to lose the mental issues – depression, bipolar, OCD, anxiety, DPD. I gues I’m rather self-centered, so that’s probably something that could be knocked off the platter.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Assertiveness. Definitely. That’s a big one that is sorely lacking.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I’m going to combine 11 and 12 here if that’s ok. I believe that the choices we have available, influence the decisions we make. Well, some of the time at least. We all make bad decisions, stupid decisions, idiotic mistakes, etc. But we learn from them. The two words overlap, you can substitute on for the other in many cases. We can “decide” to “choose” certain things in life, and that influences the course of our future. There is a lot of randomness in the world. I truly believe that, the whole chaos theory, butterfly effect, etc. I also believe in fate, mysticism, luck, and some superstitions, all of which play a part. There are a lot of times where we cannot choose (or decide), and are subject to the whims, actions, and effects of other people. I suppose, during the times we DO have choices to make, it does affect how we live our lives. Sorry, that ones kind of tough and I think I lost focus, couldn’t quite get the words out to make sense.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I’d probably either be in prison, or famous, or famously in prison!! J I’m going to state here “what I wish my life was like” at this time, not necessarily what I think it would be like.
I wish I had a more sucessful career path, stable and wealthier financial situation, and more exciting life. I wish I had a large circle of friends to invite to my nice neat house, for nice big dinners. I could splurge generously, live graciously, have a peaceful and relaxing life. A garden. A farm. A business of my own, which I would work incredibly hard at making sucessful, and making myself wealthy. Although not ridiculously wealthy. Wise decisions. Healthy mind and body and spirit. This is sort of free association. Fit, trim, handsome looking, but not gorgeous or vain. Self assured and confident. Ok, maybe extra-wealthy, but still prudent. Lots of material possessions, because lets face it, I’m not a monk. But yet simple and clean and orderly – not a lot of clutter in my mind, my house, my life. Dressed nicely (but not suit and tie – even if I had millions of dollars I’d refuse to wear them!!) and fashionable, but not obsessed with trendy fads. Busy, active, but not ever overwhelmed. Social, friendly, with close friends and lots of accquaintances. Private, circumspect, enjoying my privacy when I need it. And perhaps, having someone to care for in my life. Boyfriend? Lover? Houseboy? Master? Who knows – still developing thoughts on that.