Grasp the Nettle

Hello! & A Few Funnies!

2009-05-25T18:45:00.002+01:00

Hi guys,

I hope you all had a great weekend! I'd planned to write this post on Saturday, but it was such a lovely day that I spent most of it gardening and then we had our first barbecue of the year. Perfect with a couple of ice-cold beers. Aaaah!

On Sunday I visited my mum, and then after lunch I took my nieces on a two-hour bike ride. I haven't ridden a bike since I was a teenager and I really enjoyed it. I have to say that I am a little saddle-sore today though, but it was worth it. I'll be cycling to and from work so I'm bound to get used to it fairly soon. When we got back home I just relaxed, with a book, in the garden for too long... got a bit burnt! The weather was glorious yesterday, whereas today is quite chilly and overcast, and we've got rain forecast too... typical bloody British weather! Having said that... the sun has just broken through the clouds, so I may go sit in the garden again.

I start my new job tomorrow, today is a Bank holiday btw which is why I haven't started today.

Anyway, on May 16th I welcomed Sashka as a follower but I didn't know whether he had a blog or not, well he does,and if you haven't already visited Malchik Gai's favs (Sasha's gayboi favs) by Sasha; go take a look in a moment. It's a (mainly) photo blog that's a mixture of arty, erotic, off-the-wall, thought-provoking and sometimes disturbing images. I really like the blog, but it seems that my PC hates it! Peter and Sasha's blogs are the only ones that I have any problems with... no sooner does a page load (if it even gets that far) when my poor old PC just dies. Ok, it's getting on a bit now but it only happens with those two!

Btw, I've not spelt any names wrong... Profile is Sashka and blog is Sasha! Maybe he can let us know which one he prefers to be called?

Ok then, a warm and hearty (if a bit belated) "welcome!" to Jeremy and Pilgrim, my newest followers:

Jeremy is the 20 year old author of Falling Through the Void blog and he's a Chemical Engineering student from Massachusetts in the good old U.S of A! He's just finished his finals and gone back home for the summer, but it sound like his summer's off to bad start... they had hailstones (huge ones by all accounts), and "freakishly" strong winds yesterday... but it didn't stop him from jumping in the pool for the first time this year. And guess what... it was bloody cold! Haha!

Pilgrim is the 19 year old Belgian author of La route de Pilgrim - Pilgrim's ways blog and he too is a student. He's studying Macrophysics and Microbiology in Paris, France. He enjoys rollerblading, and his roomie is one of France's best street & park skaters. I can't tell you much more at the moment I'm afraid because I've not read all his posts yet. You know what? Pop over there and have a good old read-up yourselves!

So thanks again and welcome aboard to Jeremy and Pilgrim!

I didn't get a chance to have a look for any new funny stuff, so I'm afraid you'll have to make do with the dregs in my folder. Sorry guys... I'll find some decent stuff for next time! :)

Ok, that's it from me!

I hope you all have a good week!

Until next time...

Take care & take it easy!!
Col

Happy Birthday Mirrorboy! Here are some Cuties...

2009-05-21T23:27:00.001+01:00

Hi guys,

In case you didn't know, which I doubt very much; it's our much loved Mirrorboy's birthday, so please join me in wishing him a very happy birthday by visiting him or creating a post for him, or something. Lol!

Happy 16th Birthday Mirrorboy!

Heres a selection of cuties just for you:

Cute Kitties!...

Sorry! I couldn't resist that last one!

Aquatic Cuties!...

Are you still into these? As pink is your favourite colour; it was the obvious choice.

Sorry, I couldn't resist that last little beaut either. Lol!

And finally just some good ol'... Cuties!

I hope you have a wonderful day and you get all that you've wished for!

Lots of love & hugs,

Cauliflower
;)

Me... Now!

2009-05-21T00:10:00.001+01:00

Hi guys,

As you know; I hate having my photo taken. I'm not in the least bit photogenic either, so that doesn't help. I cringe every time I see a photo of me. Lol! Anyway, as I'd already posted the scans from my childhood and youth, I thought 'bollocks! I may as well just post some shots of how I look now.'

Note the big ears, bald head (how could you miss that!) and the circles/bags around my eyes. They're the result of 30 years of insomnia and the reason why I prefer glasses to contacts; they hide the bags a little bit.

Oh yeah, just look at that crappy camera too... it came with my ancient PC package and this was the first time I'd ever used it. I forgot I even had it!

So now you'll be able to put a face to the blogger/commenter/IM'er (you poor things)! There's a lot to be said for anonymity. Haha!

I hope I'm not going to live to regret this!...

(torchy!: note the rose print. just so you know i wasn't telling you porkies. lol!)

Normal service will resume shortly because I've got some introductions to make and I've also got to find some funnies and (possibly) some cuties for the weekend!

Take care guys!
Col

Welcome! , Job News! & A Few Cuties!

2009-05-16T21:50:00.000+01:00

Hi guys,

I hope you all had a great weekend, mine was pretty quiet as usual. Was on my pc for virtually the whole day (and night) on Saturday, reading blogs and umm... stuff ;) On Sunday morning I visited my mum, as I usually do every Sunday. It's boring but somebody has to do it, and seeing as none of my brothers or sisters bother; it's down to me. Haha!

Anyway, I have some more blogs in my lists on the side-bar which deserve a visit. They are...

16 year old Joe from the Midlands in the UK (Yay! Another Brit!!) and his blog is called BENEATH AN ORANGE SKY. Not only does he have a wonderful header and profile picture, but his blog is wonderful too! He writes extremely well and has a great perspective on things for one so young (not unlike Mirrorboy). He describes his blog as... "The life and times of a 16 year old boy delving into the proverbial biscuit tin of life!" ...what a fab expression! Haha!

Ok, next up is Gearloose. He's from Ontario, Canada and the author of A WEALTH OF USELESS INFORMATION blog. This is how he describes himself... "I’m a 35 yr old Bisexual with a boring life, a job that takes up too much time. And so deeply embedded in the closet most of the time that I can’t see the way out." His blog is full of, well umm... useless information! Haha! Not really... it's actually really cool. There's some really witty and interesting posts there, and some that just confuse the hell out of me. Lol!

And finally there's 24 year old Mambam from the blog (or maybe I should say online diary) of the same name. He's yet another fellow Brit and he's from Manchester, but I think he's actually living in Oldham, Lancs. at the moment. I've not commented on his blog yet, although I've read all his posts, and it's great. It's about his feelings, his friends, work, sex and how cheaply you can eat on a budget at Tesco. Lol!

So, there you go! Please take the time to visit them and say "Hi" or something, they all seem like like really great guys to me!

EDIT:
Hello and Welcome to two new followers too... Joe from BENEATH AN ORANGE SKY (see above. I'd just saved this post as a draft when I noticed these guys had suddenly appeared), and Sashka, who doesn't appear to have a blog (but we know how crappy this google friends thing is). If you do have one Sashka, let me know! Thanks for following.

On Friday afternoon I received a call from a guy who'd interviewed me for a job but who had subsequently given it to somebody else. Apparently, the guy he gave it to had done voluntary work for them in the past so he thought he owed the guy a favour. Fair enough, I thought! It was a minimum wage job anyway and I was waiting to hear back from other interviews (still am), so I wasn't particularly bothered.

So, I don't know what happened to the other guy but I've been offered the job, and I've accepted. Yay! The salary sucks... it's almost £12,000 per year less than my last job, but it's a job and I can easily live on that salary. It just means I can't save as quickly as I'd hoped to for Spain.

The good thing about it is I'll usually finish around 3.00pm, which means I could always fit interviews into the end of my day, so I'll carry on applying for better paid jobs anyway! It's Monday - Friday too so I can go and visit Marmite at weekends and go to Brighton Pride. Yay!!!

I just hope nothing goes wrong now that I've told you, otherwise I'm going to look like a right old twat! Haha!

Here's something to leave you with...

Thanks for reading guys!

Take care,
Col

Some Funnies For The Weekend & Welcome!

2009-05-15T16:35:00.000+01:00

Hi guys,

First off... a quick "Hello!" to purvtastic who's photo/video blog you can see by clicking on his name. Thanks for following, and I love your profile picture!

Also, "Hello!" to Matt from I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music. again. Lol! I plugged him yesterday (on my blog you pervs. Haha!) so I was going to say I won't plug him again; but I guess I just have. Doh! Thanks for following Matt!

Just some funnies...

My favourite...

Some cute, freaky and plain fucking ugly...

Bless!

Those eyes!

Lol! Wtf?

Now these are just down-right freaky
(although the "squirrel cat" is cute :)...

This has to be the fucking ugliest pooch alive!
(actually I'm surprised it is alive)...

Have a wonderful weekend everybody!!!

Take care,
Col

Reasons #2 & Me In My Twenties!! & Hello!

2009-05-14T11:16:00.001+01:00

Hi guys,

I knew my sister-in-law hadn't been happy with my brother for some time but recently she just ups and leaves for two days. My poor nieces (10 & 13) were in a right old state, as you can imagine. So, she comes back home and tells Dick that she doesn't love him anymore and she's felt like it for ages. First she says she's moving out with the girls, but the girls wanted to stay with Dick (not her) so things got nasty... lots of shouting and screaming, she got a bit violent, the girls were crying at night and before school etc.

So, eventually Dick says to me "you might have to move out, she's not settled here yet and I don't think it's helping with you living here!" and that he would probably have to move out too. Ok, so I was like livid now. Here I am, I'd given up everything (and they knew it) including my furniture which they're using and didn't even say "thanks!" for and I've got to move to... where? With what ffs!

Anyway, the day after that little episode, my s-i-l says to me that no matter what happens between her and Dick I am welcome to stay here, as agreed, and that she has never had a problem with me being here. Then Dick tells me later that he told her to apologise to me for what had happened and that I shouldn't be asked to leave, none of it was my fault and I'd given up enough already.

It's all "happy families" again now anyway, they're like a loved-up teenage couple. It's a bit sickening sometimes. Haha!

With everything else that's been getting me down there's also Razz too. He keeps popping into my head at the oddest times. Lol! Then I start thinking about him and I get upset and more depressed.

Ok, so there are new blogs I'm following (as I pointed out in my last post), and they are:
I've Got Rythym and It ain't always music. This one's by 18 year old Matt from Utah, USA.

Then there's 16 year old AJ. He's bi with a leaning towards gay and his blog is called coming out (on the net).

Also, a big welcome to my latest follower Ben, from Confessions of a Poor Student blog.

You've probably already visited these blogs, but if you haven't please stop by for a read and leave a comment (or two. haha!). Also, please don't forget to visit Deejohn at the brilliant westasian site. Just take a look at this beautiful young guy and tell me it's not worth taking a look! He's from one of today's posts:

Simon from Scoop. Taken from westasian.

Oh shit, I said I might post some photos of me in my twenties but am I going to look like a freak next to the gorgeous Simon or what!! Oh well, here goes nothing...

Age 21. A Passport photo for a day trip to France.

Age 25 or 26 I think. Another Passport photo but I can't remember why! And just look at that receding hairline. Haha!!!

Ok, that's all for now guys. I hope you're all having a great week!

Take care,

Col

Reasons #1 & Me As A Nipper!

2009-05-12T23:55:00.001+01:00

Hi guys,

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, so have you missed me? Yeah right!! You're probably thinking more like "Oh crap! The little bugger's back... I thought he'd gone for good!" Lol!

So yeah, I've been absent for a while but hopefully I'm back (for now at least. Haha!), and slowly catching up on all your blogs. So, forgive me if I haven't commented for a while.

If you read this blog regularly you'll know that I made a promise to myself to not use this to whinge and moan about stuff when many of you have troubles that are far more serious than my own petty things. Well, I'm not going to moan but I will briefly ( I don't do briefly do I?) tell you what the reasons for my absence were:

Still not being able to find a job was really getting me down. Even though I've been doing my volunteer work it still wasn't enough, I wanted full-time paid employment. Also, not getting any response from employers when you apply for jobs is just an expectation now, but I was (and still am) getting really pissed-off with employers who don't even get back to you when you've attended an interview! Anyway, I have applied for all types of jobs... just so I have a job, any job. Sadly for me though, that means some of them are minimum wage and it will take me a lot longer to save for Spain. I've applied mainly for Retail Store Manager vacancies, some Deputy Manager vacancies and some minimum wage jobs like Assistant Van Driver for a local charity and Sales Assistants jobs.

I had a huge row with my brother Dick (not his real name btw. Lol) because he said I should be applying for anything, regardless of the salary. I thought I knew why he was saying it (because he wanted me to save my money as quickly as possible so I would move out sooner than agreed) and confronted him about it. He said "Yes! This is our home now and we'd like it to ourselves!" Anyway, to cut a long story short: that got sorted out.

Ok, I'll leave it there for today. There's more but I don't want to bore you too much in one post. Haha!

I've posted some photos of me from when I was a nipper, next time I may post a few from my twenties. I don't have many photos of me at all, I've always detested having to have them done so if I can get out of them I will. Lol!

There are some new blogs in my "other blogs I follow" list btw. If you haven't checked them out already... please be so kind as to do so :)

So, on to the photos then *cringes*

That's me on the right. Lol!

Me on the right again.

Right, I'm on the left this time.

Now you see why I hated having my photo taken. Eek!!

Hmm, don't know what the white blob on my nose is, but it's a stain on the photo and not a lump of snot! Haha!

Thanks for reading guys!

Take care all,

Col

Thanks, Plugs & Polls!

2009-04-29T20:30:00.000+01:00

Hi guys,

I haven't said it for a while, but many thanks for all your recent comments! Considering I haven't made a post about me or my life in a loooong time, and I really only post humorous (to me anyway) stuff now, with the odd cutie thrown in; I'm happy to receive any comments at all. Haha!

I really do appreciate them all!!!

To those of you that have emailed me; I thank you most sincerely!! It's really nice to know that there are people who think about and possibly care about me!!

You're the best!!

On to the 'plugs' then... A warm welcome to three new followers, who each have their own blogs:

First up is 18 year old US student Dan, from the Daily Dan blogspot. He's been in love with his best friend for four years, but before he fell in love with him; he really didn't like him at all! Weird? Go check him out and decide for yourself! Of course his blog is about school and other stuff too and it's a great read. Allegedly, he's also "super-cute" (I think that was Mirrorboy's description), a great american football player and loves playing basketball too! So there you go, if that hasn't made you want to check him out; I don't know what will. Lol!

Next is Highwayman, who's blog is called The Night Rider. He's 35, a truck driver, lives in Salt Lake City, Utah and he's married with 3 children. In his own words, he is "struggling to find his path in life." The text below is taken from one of his recent posts (I hope he doesn't mind) and I think it will give you a better understanding of what he's been through, and still going through now, than I ever could...

"...My experience with my parents had such a negative impact on me that it threw me back into the closet and locked it with a deadbolt until about a year ago. During this time however, I managed to get married to a woman and fathered 3 children. They are 13, 11, and 8. One boy and two girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife because she is the mother of my children, however as of about a year ago, that is simply not enough for me anymore. I found myself wanting more than just the connection of children. I desired a true love, where we couldn't stand to be apart for more than a few hours at a time. I just don't have that with the mother of my children. I can't write anymore right now as it is painful for me to think about abandoning my children for my own happiness..."

So please pay him a visit and offer whatever support you can. That is one situation I'm glad I will never be in, and it's more common than many people think. I have had the same situation in my sister's family, so I really feel for Highwayman and his family. Also, he sounds like a truly nice guy (and I'm sure he is).

Finally we have Bob. Yay!!! I'm sure he must have broken some kind of record for the amount of followers and comments received on a debut post. Haha!! And of course; he deserves each and every one of them. For those regular readers among you, you may remember his interview from my "An Interview With..." series. He's a really nice guy; helpful, considerate, caring and generous to a fault! He's always there with words of encouragement and I'm really happy that he finally decided (or was pushed into. Lol!) to start his own blog.

Haha! So excited I forgot to tell you what it's called... Riding the Wave. It's brand new, only one post, so there's no catching-up to do either. Please go and say "Hi!" to a wonderful guy!

There are some other blogs that are new to my lists (on the right hand side-bar) too. One of them has been about for a looong time and has had 1,275,196 (and rising) visitors, but strangely enough it only had 23 followers up until Saturday. Then I followed, to make it 24 and then Mirrorboy plugged the site on Sunday/Monday and now there's 28, but I still thinks that that's not enough. So much time and effort has been put into this blog, so please visit him and show your appreciation by leaving a comment. And, you could always become a follower :)

Now, I have visited it and left comments in the past, but not on a regular basis. I really should've started following it ages ago too because there are so many beautiful guys on there it's unreal. And, it's not just beautiful guys either; it's about fashion, film and TV too. Oh, you must have a look at Bloggy Bear's archives. Soooo cute!!! There are also stacks of links to other cool sites to keep you "stimulated" too. So, the author is... Deejohn and the blog, of course, is Westasian.

Last but not least there's Ben. A 20 year old from the US in his third year of University, studying a Bachelor of Communication with a major in Communication Management. His blog is called Confessions of a Poor Student and it's about his life at University, work, his boyfriend, his family and friends etc. His latest post is really quite sad, and happy! But it sounds like he's been going through a rough time like many other bloggers. So, please go and give him your support and encouragement.

Now for the polls... SOD 'EM!! I really can't be bothered now. Haha! Maybe another time. This post has taken me ages and my pc has crashed 3 times too. Thank God for 'autosave' Lol!

I'm going to finish my fruit salad before it goes warm :)

Take care guys and enjoy the rest of the week!

Col

Happy Birthday Seth! & Cuties!

2009-04-25T09:00:00.001+01:00

Hi Guys,

I'm sure many of you will already know that it's Seth's 33rd birthday today. If you do, then you will also know that he's been very "up-and-down" again recently. So, please go visit him and wish him...

...a very "Happy Birthday!"

To Seth...

In Honour Of Your Birthday... The Balloons Have All Gone Up...

I hope you have a wonderful day Seth!! Looking forward to reading all about it. And just in case you don't; here are a few cuties for you and everyone else to enjoy... (photo #3 is from Shannon)

Love and hugs to everyone! I hope you ALL have a fantastic weekend!!

Take care,
Col

Men are like Laxatives; They irritate the crap out of you!

2009-04-22T21:58:00.012+01:00

Hi Guys,

That's not my opinion btw, just the first line of another meaningless chain-letter that I received today. I get these things all the fucking time by email and text but I've given up on asking for the people responsible to quit sending them to me. They do send me some really funny stuff too, so I guess I shouldn't really complain, but... FUCK OFF! ... I HATE THESE THINGS!!

I've NEVER continued a chain, and never will, but I thought this one (and especially the fun one at the end of the post) were particularly witty for chain-letters, so I'm sharing them (how lucky are you? Lol!)

#1 (from my sister-in-law)...

Men are like... Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are!

Men are like... Weather
Nothing can be done to change them!

Men are like... Blenders
You need one, but you're not quite sure why!

Men are like... Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips!

Men are like... Commercials
You can't believe a word they say!

Men are like... Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

Men are like... Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to mature!

Men are like... Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion!

Men are like... Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while!

Men are like... Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last!

Men are like... Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright!

Men are like... Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped!

Now...
send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

[Dancing Baby gif.] You have just been KISSED by the Dancing Baby! Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere. Get ready for the biggest shock in your life if you break this. You will not be cursed but good luck will not come your way for the next year. Everyone can use some fun and Good Luck, so send this to 5 people in 15 minutes!

#2 (from a male friend)...

If I was ever going to continue a chain; it would be with this!

I know there's been a lot of sadness in our community of late, so I hope this post goes some way to cheering you up. If you haven't already noticed the link to the Razz Tribute Site in the top right hand corner of the blog; please feel free to click on the picture to visit it and pay your respects. I think Razz would have laughed at #2, not sure about #1 though :)

That's all folks!

Take care,
Col

Farewell to Razz!

2009-04-20T09:40:00.000+01:00

Hi Guys,

I was deeply saddened and upset yesterday, when I learned that Razz had passed away on 26th March. My thanks to torchy!, Ste and NG for letting us know.

Although the news wasn't unexpected, it still hit me like a speeding train and I spent most of yesterday in my room crying. I'm welling-up again now and I thought I was all cried-out!

I never chatted with Razz but we did exchange emails and comments. He was the first person to comment on my blog, and also to follow it. I loved his sense of humour, fun and adventure and his zest for life!

During my time offline while I was moving etc. I managed to check my emails one day and torchy! had sent me a copy of Razz's post about his illness. Of course I was completely gutted but I couldn't email him from the place I was actually checking my email, so I had no choice but to wait until our ISP sorted out our Internet connection at home. Eventually it was sorted out and shortly before he died we exchanged emails. This is an excerpt from mine: "... that since I'd been offline I'd been wondering whether I was doing the right thing by ridding myself of my home and belongings, and heading off to Spain. After reading your post (which torchy! copied for me while I was away) I decided that it was most definitely the right thing to do... life is too short and precious to waste. We never know what's around the corner, so we should seize the moment whenever and wherever we can."

I emailed him again with replies to some questions he'd asked, but alas, I didn't get a reply... now I know why. Razz's death has served to reinforce my thoughts, and my decision, and I will truly miss him for many reasons.

The following excerpt was taken from Razz's post:

Talking about death at the local

"at the pub, we got to talking about stuff. death was one of the topics of the conversation - a perfect one for such a dreary day. we came to the conclusion that if one really look closely at why he/she fears death, it is really because of what lies after death. maybe a lot of you have already realised this, but i had never really thought much about this until this afternoon. some would say there is nothing after death, whilst others may be believe in the heavenly afterlife, or doomed one in hell. for now, i'm taking the middle ground and say that there is an afterlife, but an afterlife where we have control of its quality, just like this life."

I hope he's right, and that he's taking control of his new life right now!

I'm going to try my hardest to get along to Brighton Pride this year, and while I'm there I'll have a pint (or two) for him!

God Bless You Razz!

Hello to RC!

2009-04-20T08:03:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie to say hello and welcome to RC from Mental Doodles blog. He describes himself as "Quietly confident. Friendly. Wicked sense of humour. Known to get crazy on the dance floor. Enjoys fly fishing" and he's another fellow Brit! Yay!

Please pay him a visit and say "Hi!" (which I haven't yet done myself... naughty boy!)

Anyway, thanks for following and linking RC... I have reciprocated and I'm looking forward to catching-up on your posts!

Take care,
Col

T-Shirt Of The Year!

2009-04-17T13:22:00.000+01:00

Hi guys,

Just a quickie... couldn't resist sharing this:

I really want one of these!

Hey Jake, maybe you could add this to your designs! Lol!

Take care all,
Col

Edit: Hello, Humour and A Few Tasty Pics

2009-04-14T21:37:00.002+01:00

Hi guys,

As you may have noticed; I haven't been blogging much at all recently and I'm not sure that I will be for the foreseeable future either. Anyway, I'd like to say a belated "hello and welcome" to my six new followers:

Micky from It's getting better blog, who is also the author of Kieran's Kingdom.

Then there's 16 year old Irish lad Jamsey from Me, Myself nd My Hand and Joe Q. Public from loads of blogs. You can find them on his profile. Actually there's one particular blog of Joe's that I view regularly, but it's not listed on his profile so I'd better not mention it in case he has a good reason for not wanting to display it on there (you can always put me right on that point Joe).

Randy from Overrated Integrity has also joined recently, along with goleftatthefork from Go Left At The Fork (which is brand-new today, so you heard it here first folks!) and Scott Conley who doesn't seem to have a blog, but who knows with this weird bloody "Friend Connect" thingy. Anyway Scott... if you do have a blog then let me know and I'll give you a "plug" asap!

If you haven't already visited these blogs... please do so! There's some really great stuff to be read/seen :)

Thanks to all of the above and to everybody else who follows or reads my pathetic little blog, it means a lot to me folks!!

So, as I've nothing of any importance to write about I suppose I'll add some humorous photo's ... as usual ... boring ... *yawn*

Oops! Don't know where that one came from!!

Or that one!

And just some cute pics to finish with...

Copy & Paste

A Hot Dog

A Hot Boy

Well that's all folks!! Until next time...

Take care and be good!!
Col

Welcome & Best Wishes To...

2009-03-28T16:55:00.000Z

Hi guys,

Nothing much to say today, so this is going to be short. Feeling really low last few days but I'm not going to bang-on about why. I promised myself that with the problems some of you are facing (one person in particular), I wouldn't whinge about my petty ones.

Hello and welcome to my three latest followers:

Fellow Brit, Mac, who lives in the next county along from me (virtually my neighbour, in the blogging world lol). He's 30 years old, works in a newsagent's, and has just outed himself to his best friend in a text message. There's some very amusing stuff on his blog (especially about his work colleagues), so go have a read and say "Hi!" Click on his name (above) to take you to his blog.

Mirrorboy. Need I say anymore? No, of course not, but I will! He's a young Aussie with a heart of gold. A 15 year old gay lad who has inspired many (including myself) to start their own blogs and do something positive about their lives/situations, even though he has issues of his own. I feel privileged to count him as one of my buddies, as I'm sure all who know him do. I recently interviewed him and you can read it below this post. Thanks for following my blog Mirrorboy!

Finally there's Tyler. He's a 16 year old bi-sexual (leaning towards gay) highschool student from Canada. His blog contains both personal and political stuff, the latter of which has seen some heated debate in his comments section. Plus, there are some cuties thrown in for good measure. It's well worth a read (even if you aren't a political animal, and I'm not) so please go and say "Hi!" to Tyler too.

Before I go I'd just like to ask if anybody has heard from Aahsazyl recently? He hasn't posted for a while and I've not seen him online. Just a little worried!

And finally, my best and most sincere wishes to Razz. I hope you had a fantastic time with Jay and your buddies, and you didn't over-do things! Looking forward to your next post, no matter how long that is in coming. Take care matey! *Hugs*

Have a great weekend everybody!!

Take care,

Col

An Interview With... Mirrorboy - Mirrorboy's Blog

2009-03-25T09:00:00.001Z

I'm sure Mirrorboy needs no introduction to most of you, but for those that don't read his blog: Mirrorboy's Blog, he's a 15 year old gay guy from Australia. He has a great sense of humour, a wonderfully creative mind and a very strong character. Oh, and he loves his cats too!

If you don't already read his blog (see link above), please go visit him... you won't be disappointed!

The questions...

How old are you and what do you do?
I'm 15 years old, a student at highschool, and wannabe author.

Are you planning to go to college to study journalism?
I still haven't thought that far ahead. I'm a bit useless when it comes to Uni and stuff.

Your readers will already know of the novel you're creating: "Universes". How are things progressing with that lately?
I'm around 183,000 words. Just finished a chapter, so i'm now planning the next one before i dive into and get stuck as per usual. lol. And i'm up to a really tough bit in it cos i'm following a storyline which doesn't include my main characters. Ya know, i make it up as i go along, and the downside of that is sometimes i work myself into a hole. Heheh.
Hehe.

So, you live in Victoria, Australia?
I sure do

We'll talk more about location later, so in the meantime... are you Gay, Bisexual or Confused? Lol.
Lol. I am gay

And apart from your creative writing, what other hobbies, interests or pastimes do you have?
Hmm... I like playing games. I would kick anyone's ass at the Wii. :P
Other than that, another hobby of mine is blogging heheh, and other internet stuff ;)
Lol.

What about likes and dislikes, loves and hates? Anything at all from foods to people and religion.

Well that's a hard question...

Which requires an answer lol.
Right... I love English, and boys. I hate... haters. Hate is a strong word. So, i only really 'hate' haters
That's all you wish to say then?
I don't know, your questions are so broad lol. I need direction!
Erm... do you like school, where you live, pizza, religion, animals etc?
I hate my school and where i live. Now that's a good way to use 'hate'.
Lol.

Who do you fancy/have a crush on at the moment... real, celeb, or cyber?
Lol. I can't just post that on the internet for everyone to see! That's personal lol, i do think Rafael Nadal is hot tho.
Yeah, but we all know about that one lol. Anybody else?
Ummz... depends if porn stars count. XD
Yeah!
Hahaha.
Surely there must be somebody!
Yah, im tryin to think...hmm that's hard. Mitch Hewer's hot ;) but every gay loves him.

What kind of boys do you like?
All boys.
Any particular look that really does it for you?
Lol. Well there are a few that i go for i guess - typical blonde twinks, and long-haired emos. I guess guys with nice hair are what i like, i dunno why though.
Do you have a hair fetish?
I wouldn't call it a fetish. It's just a 'thing', i would say. heheh.
So Emo's... what is about them... the hair, the clothes, the piercings etc?
They have piercings right?
Hahahaha, some of them. It's hard to say why... maybe it's the hair.
Lol. So boys again... tall, short, skinny, podgy, smooth, hairy, white, asian....?
Dude, i like all boys. Seriously! I can be attracted to all types. What matters most of all is what's on the inside... corny, but it's true!

So, favourite food?
Chocolate :)

Fave style of music?
Techno, trance, ambient sort of stuff.
All time fave song?
That's always changing haha. For now... it's www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/112372 but it will be different in a few days XD.
Lol.

All time fave book, and fave author (you and yours is not included lol)?
Lord of the Ringses were pretty epic, but i like Eoin Colfer's books the most. Every parent should read their kids Enid Blyton's stories too.

Fave two pieces of clothing?
Lol. I like my cargo shorts/pants... that's it lol.
Oh, ok lol

People who have inspired you?
Mrs. Oc made me want to be an author! I'm so glad i had her as a teacher. She gave me a purpose in life for the first time and i will always remember her for that.

I know you haven't really thought about college/uni, but do you think you will go there as an "out" gay man. Or, is it too early to tell yet?
I would need to have a look around once i got there before i would decide... test the waters, if you will.
That's a fair answer.
Damn right it is, bitch! lol.
Lol. You cheeky little pup!

What are your dreams, aspirations and goals for your future?

Find someone who loves me. That's the big one! Other than that, write some good stuff and get it published. I would love it if Universes was successful. Most immediate goal though, is to escape this crippling little city of mine and head to Melbourne ASAP

Ok, we'll talk about that later but I'm glad you mentioned the word "successful" there. I've no doubt you will be!

*blushes*

So why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Cos i like it when people ask me questions. haha.

Do you not hope that it may help others?
Of course.

You're an inspiration to many people, young and old(er), how do you feel about that? Any pressure?
I honestly don't think about being an inspiration, i just go about my business, and if that helps people in any small way, then that's fuckin awesome :)
But yes, there is a certain pressure that comes with where i am now. It becomes harder to give each person some individual time, because every few days i meet someone new.
I'm sure that you do, and I'm also sure that each one of those people appreciate the time you give them... including me .

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it's totally out of our control.

Ok, when did you realise that you were gay?
Only a couple of years ago.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it, but it took me a lot of struggling and time.
I guess between the time of one realising they're gay, and accepting it, they have to admit that it's beyond their control...
Very good point!

Who are you “out” to?
I'm 'out' to 3 family members, and everyone at school.
I was outed!
When i was outed to my Mum, it wasn't as bad as i expected, so i'm glad she found out.
I was NOT, however, ready to be outed at school, so that was hard beyond belief to deal with, and still is.

For any readers who don't know the story of your "outing" can you give a brief description of what happened?
Gay Porn heheh.
The word spread, and soon everybody knew.
Who found the porn?
One of my nosy 'friends'.
Is he still a friend. lol?
I think.

What reactions did you receive?
A lot of negative ones.
A few positive.
A few weird lol.
But kids like the ones in my school can be a bit... mean.

Overall, are you now glad it‘s happened?
I honestly don't know. I mean, i can be myself, but at a large cost.
What cost is that?
Insults, people shouting things at me, teasing, jokes at my expense etc.
It's hard.

So, the next question...What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I worry that the sort of life i live now (one of being teased and laughed at) is one i will have to live in the future. Other than that, i don't worry about much else.
I hope that once i get to the big city, people will be more accepting of who i am
And i will have more support.
What about your rights as a gay man, or having children etc?
I'm 15. I don't need to worry about rights yet, lol.
Children - i don't really mind what happens :) If my partner wants, or has children, i will probably be a proud parent heheh.
Lol.

And how have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
My strategy for last year was to ignore it. I tried changing that this year but i quickly reverted to that strategy and it doesn't seem to be going too well for me. lol
Do you think that's the best way, for you at least, to deal with it?
Probably not but i can't manage to change it. The best i can do right now is look for support to help deal with it, even if only on the inside. My self-confidence is a work in progress too. I'm doing my best to be more confident in my physical presence (by doing things like getting contacts and losing weight etc).
That's great, doing what you are doing. Anything that helps you is a step forward, and your answer brings me to my next question...

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
My biggest support was my teacher, Mrs OC. I can talk to her about what i'm going through, and she is helping me the best she can. She also told me about the gay youth group in my city, which i've been to a few times. Unfortunately, Mrs. OC is on long-service leave this year, so i've been without her for a while.

What about other forms of support, like the internet, groups/forums. Or, your blog and on-line friends?
Oh yeah! I don't know what i'd do without my online support. It means the world to me, seriously. It's just beyond words. I can't describe it.

I know that people lean on you, but are there any people on-line that you can lean on?
(I mean people you can really talk to.)
Yes. A couple who i really trust.
That's good, you need that trust.

I know you've visited the Gay Youth Group, but do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
Not really. But i guess i can't expect that much from my small city.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Haha. Well im already out, so people seeing me enter isnt a problem. But yes, i would look into them.

And how do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Heaps! It's given people in remote places a way to find support, just like it did for me.
Not to mention how it helps some people to accept themselves more, and all that icky stuff to do with teen suicide.
It gives people support, and that's what gays and bi's need.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
It wouldn't have been easy, to say the least. I can imagine it would have been scary for a lot of people.
I guess there would have been a lot of horny guys back then too *jokes* hehe.
Lol. Good one!
*high fives all round*

If you had grown up through those times, what do you think your life would be like now?
I'd be sad i guess... sad that life had been so hard, and that i'd missed out on a lot of things by not having any support.

Ok, now I know we've talked a little about resources, but what do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet... ?
Hehe, is that a question or a statement?
Does the internet count? cos it seems like a pretty obvious answer lol.
Yeah, it counts but what about other gay people, family, or yourself even?
Well the internet brings you closer to other gay people. People need to have support, and the internet can give everyone support... so that's my answer :)
That's fine. There is no right or wrong answer lol.
And also, the internet helps one to become a stronger person.
How?
By giving them support and advice, and help etc. Thus making one stronger, and improving other aspects of life.
And, one can accept themself more... and then with more confidence, they will venture out in search of even more support... if ya know what i mean?
Yes, I do. And can all that be said for you then?
Yes.
Good.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Sure do!
Because of reasons you've given earlier on, or are there other reasons too?
I can say what i think and feel without worrying about people knowing who i am. I don't have to worry about reactions or something... i can't explain it any better lol.
That's fine. lol.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Hmm... well i don't really think about it. It doesn't really fuss me what happens. I'm not against it or anything, just, whatever happens, happens, and it's cool.
Ok, but let's say for a moment you did want to... would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't go into a fake straight relationship. I just think that doing that willingly just to get a child, is cruel and selfish. If i wanted to, i would adopt.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene?
I never met my Dad. Mum's story was that he just 'ran away' before i was born, and we never spoke about it since.
How difficult has it been for you... not having a Father while growing up?
Hmm... It's hard to tell. I don't really have much to compare it to. It just became the norm for me, ya know?
Yes
lol

Have you ever felt jealousy towards your friends who have Fathers and "do stuff" with them?
Lol. Well of course, when i was much younger.

Do you think that not having your Father, or a male role model in your life has had an influence on your sexuality?
Nope

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My older cousin is.
Has he been able to help or support you in the past, if you've asked him that is?
I haven't asked, but i know he would if i did ask.
Do you get along with him ok then?
Yeah i guess, but we don't see each other much, or know each other that well.

So, drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Reach out!
Take that first step and you will NEVER look back. My first step was typing a nervous first entry into my blog, and look where that got me!
Now i'm someone who people can turn to and lean on for support... hey that's funny :)
I started this blog looking for support, and now i've become support for other people.
*feels fuzzy inside* lol
Bless :)
:)

So… based on your life to date as a gay teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would be gay, cos being gay is what i do best. Sexuality is such a big part of my life now, if i weren't gay, i wouldn't be me... and i love boys lol... I want one!
Lol.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Yes. I would live in a big city like Melbourne, because where i am now is full of small-minded and immature people.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would live in the future cos i want to see robots and lasers and crap lol.
But seriously, people would be more accepting in the future, so i wish i could live then. But i guess the 21st century is okay. It could be worse.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
O God... Mum's not perfect but she does her best. I won't say anything else.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Yes! I grew up lonely, and always wished i had a brother or sister to play with.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Lol. Lots. Probably due to my image issues... self-confidence etc. I could write you a list :)
Go on then!
Ugh... nose, lips, eyelids, eyebrows, hair, skin, chin and jaw, teeth, ears too!
I thought I was bad lol.
:)
So what do you think is wrong with those?
Nose too big, lips too dry, eyebrows too thick, skin not clear enough, hair too weird and doesn't sit right, eyelids are a little wrinkly or something, my chin is too big, and teeth aren't that good either.
Good?
Fab lol, thanks!

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol now you've got me started... pretty much everything, again! You want more detail, again?
Oh yes!
Ugh... hips are too wide, feet are like triangles but with huge arches, hands are too small and a bit boney, and everything else just looks weird or out of proportion... im a wreck lol.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Shyness and my physical issues, and maybe a couple of my OCD things lol.
Anything else?
Lol. Dont think so... i like my brain lol, and im glad i have the English skills i do.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Confidence and some sort of sporting ability lol.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes i think so... i see people who are sad and lonely and i just think; i'm sure there's a way out!
Everybody has the potential to be happy... EVERYBODY... but they need to stop sabotaging their own freakin lives and make an effort.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Aren't they?
Lol. I say yes, others disagree!
Well if you type 'synonyms for choice' into Google, im sure decision would come up lol... in fact i will!
Lol.
Heheh. Synonyms: alternative, appraisal, choosing, cull, cup of tea*, decision... found it, i was right lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the answers above... what do you think your life would be like at this moment in time?
I can assume i would be happy. I think i had fair answers, considering i kept my personality which is what matters most. Other things would only help me to be happier.
And confidence would play a big part in that?
Yes.

Thanks & Funnies...

2009-03-22T13:25:00.000Z

Hi guys,

Sorry I was gone so long but it was due to things beyond my control. Thanks to torchy! and Seth for informing you of my extended absence... it was very kind of them!

Thanks also to everybody who read the interviews while I was away, but especially to those of you that left comments. As you can imagine, I have loads of reading still to catch up on so please forgive me if I don't reply to your comments just this once.

Talking of thanks... thanks and hello to my three new followers; Deadwing, Kiwi and (I think) Sethy. I really do not like this Google Friends thing, it's well crappy and I can't even view people's profiles. But anyway, they're all great guys and they have great blogs too, so please check them out for yourselves. Just click on their name or go to the side-bar.

Patrick's blog; "This blog is my life... my life on this blog" was deleted by Blogger after his debut vlog post but he has re-opened here, so please go visit him.

The final "interview" in the series will be posted on Wednesday. I hope you enjoy reading it as much I did conducting it on MSN with ??

Also, I just want to say that my thoughts are with all of you who are going through a tough time at the moment... and there are quite a number of you. I won't name any names, but I sincerely wish the very best for you all!!

Some funny images:

I hope all had, or are having, a great weekend!!

Take care of yourselves, and each other!

Until next time,

Col

An Interview With... Kyle - Kyle's Hot Spot!

2009-03-09T11:55:00.000Z

Kyle is the author of Kyle's Hot Spot! and he's a wonderful young man. He has a wicked sense of humour and he seems to be a very caring and sensitive guy too, somebody whom you would be proud to call "friend."

EDIT: Since this interview, way back in January, Kyle seems to have fallen off the map. Torchy! has already put out a call to his readers to see if anybody has heard from him, but Bob (cvn70) was the only guy who was able to offer any information at all. Even that was not very recent, so, I'm asking again... If anybody has any information about Kyle, please let us know. If it's only to say that he's ok, or (God forbid) he's not... then that at least is better than knowing nothing.

Kyle: If you're reading this... there are a lot of worried people out here. Please, please contact one of us!!!

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Introduction...

Name: Kyle
Age: 15
Occupation/Student: Student
Country and State/County: USA, Virginia
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay (and confused sometimes hehe)

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Music, men, books, men, games, men, cats, men. Oh and men.

Likes/Dislikes:
I dislike mean people, people who judge other people. I like all kinds of music, mostly rock. I like PanicAtTheDisco the most. I like Brad Pitt (who doesnt lol).

Loves/Hates:
I dont hate anybody but i do hate what people do sometimes. I love my parents even tho i don't like my mom sometimes. I love my friend Tasha probly more than anybody. Oh and I love animals especially cats.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I want to be a veterinarian and I also want to meet a hot guy and get married and live happily ever after lol.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Because i love talking about myself haha.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I don't know if its predetermined or not but i do know that its for sure NOT a choice.

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
Age 11, but I think in some ways i always knew it, or at least that i was different in some way.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I've accepted it, and im not in any kind of "oh I hate myself" thing, but it took me a while to get there, for a long time I thot I was just going thru a "phase" hehe.

Who are you “out” to?
Im out only to one of my friends. I do plan to be out to everybody as soon as i dont have to worry about getting kicked out and im on my own.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
With Tasha it was pretty easy because I'm pretty sure she already knew it.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
Tasha just laughed and said she knew it because she knew I was a uke (google uke if you don't know it lol) For real, she is great about it. She thinks it makes me *interesting* lol.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Positive, and yes, I'm glad I told her.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
None really, at least not after i move away from this place and live in a real city. I think people in cities are much more accepting.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi? Not personally no, but you do hear all kinds of anti-gay things from people when they don't know they are talking about YOU. Well and there's Frank who keeps calling me fairy boy, but i dont care about him.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Just Tasha, she is great and also theres some great sites on the internet about being gay that made me know it was ok. One of them is PFLAG.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
If it wasnt for the internet Id probly still think i was the only gay guy in the world lol.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Mostly I just sort of stumble into the help i need when i need it.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Online friends have been great, and Tasha has been great too.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There are NO places like that anywhere near where I live.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I'm not sure how i could go there without outing myself.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Well Ive pretty much always had the internet, and this sounds strange but i found gay porn before i found anything else about being gay, and this sounds even stranger but the porn was so great not only because its horny hehe, but because it showed me that the stuff i was thinking about really did happen and that i wasn't the only one. It would have been a lot harder without the internet.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
I can't even imagine it. Id probly stay in the closet forever.

What do you think your life would be like now?
Lonely.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
I dont think anything is better than a real live friend you can talk too.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Yes, for now.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
About my parents, they got divorced about well almost 4 yrs ago now and my dad has moved away. I only see him maybe a couple times a year. I guess my mom has had the biggest influence on me and not really in a good way, she's a alcoholic and thats mostly why i dont drink. My dad is a good man, i wish i was living with him instead of my mom. I love my mom don't get me wrong, but i wish she would at least try to quit drinking.
About if my parents had anything to do with my being gay--I have no idea at all. It doesn't seem like it but who knows?

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Yes.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No I would never do that, my husband and i will adopt a baby.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
I'd just tell anybody who doesn't know that they are not alone, and that they are not sick or evil or weird they are just gay the way God made them to be! And you got to deal with anti-gay people in reality, but what they THINK does NOT MATTER. You are a good person, gay or not, if YOU CHOOSE to be a good person.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Yes, when do we get the sex questions??? Hehe yeah Im kind of pervy sometimes. Um, sorry.

Based on your life to date as a gay teenager, and If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Gay, because I believe that is how God made me to be, and really I can't even imagine being straight, I wouldn't be me. Also what would I do about all the hawt men if I was not gay???? hehe

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
I guess i would choose to do the coming out thing the way i am now, a little at a time. About being straight acting, well I guess im not totally straight acting because some ppl have already figured out Im gay, but I don't know what it is Im doing that gives it away because I don't think Im "acting" at all, its just who i am.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
YES!! I see these youtube vids of guys my age in cities like New York or places like that and they are totally out and they even kiss each other in public and nobody thinks its a big deal. I live in a place where if I did that Id probly get shot, so yeah, that's a BIG YES.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Sometimes i wish i lived in ancient Greece lol. But for real, no. I would want to live in this time.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
1--I wish my mom was sober 2--I wish they didn't get divorced 3--I wish they were more accepting about gay people.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Maybe a sister would be ok, never really thot about it much.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I wish my lips were bigger lol.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I wish i was more muscular and less skinny.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Well you wouldn't know it from things i say on the internet, but in real life im pretty shy and i dont make friends very easily, so i wish i wasn't so shy.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Courage, which maybe i do have but Ive never had that tested very much.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes, I believe that we have free will.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Hmmm im not sure i understand this question. I think they ARE the same thing, but I DONT think "preferences" are the same thing as "choices" or "decisions" if thats where you are coming from here. A "preference" like being gay (or liking chocolate for that matter) is not something you can control, a choice or decision IS something you can control.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
Probably not a whole lot different except Id have bigger lips and more muscles and be less shy lol. I guess Im actually pretty ok with how my life is as it is, even if things arent perfect. Oh, well yeah, if my mom was sober that would make a huge difference, so I guess Ill still wish for that one.

An Interview With... Mr HCI - Castoffs

2009-03-05T11:58:00.000Z

Mr. HCI (Horribly-Charred Infant) is the author of the Castoffs blog. He's very much into music and used to play in a band called Happy Flowers. I'm afraid I don't know much more about him (apart from what he has shared with us below), except he's about 4 months younger than me. So, I guess you'd better get over to his blog (click on the link above) and find out for yourself :)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Introduction...

Name: Mr. HCI
Age: 45
Occupation/Student: programmer/analyst
Country and State/County: USA, Georgia
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: 100% gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Music, record shopping, movies, blogging, reading.

Likes/Dislikes:
Broccoli/Beets.

Loves/Hates:
My husband/People who think I don't deserve the same rights they enjoy due to my sexual orientation.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To legally marry my husband, to see more of the world.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
The more people of all stripes understand about us, the better.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
If it's not 100% predetermined, then it's 99%. Regardless of predetermination, it's definitely not a choice. I've been told by some folks that it's just not a conscious choice. Well, it's not a choice, then, is it!!!!!

When did you realise that you were gay?
At age 11, when I discovered masturbation and immediately had sexual fantasies involving only other boys. I was a bit curious about girls but don't recall having a single sexual fantasy about them when I was younger. In fact, I can recall precisely one masturbation fantasy that involved a female in my entire life. When I had a girlfriend for six months when I was 17, I had no interest whatsoever in having sex with her.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
My realization was at age 11, though I had my first boy crush the summer I turned nine. Acceptance didn't come 'til I was 28. I first came out as bisexual, when I was just shy of 26, but I was lying to myself. I didn't come out to even a second person until over a year later. And I didn't finally accept that I am in no way bisexual 'til I was 29.

At age 11, it didn't occur to me that I might be gay. I just knew that boy bodies were much more interesting than girl bodies and that "boy" was a very erotic word (odd thought for an 11-year-old, huh?). It was the early/mid 1970s, though, and gay was just not a realistic option, so I did what I could to try to convince myself I was straight.

Who are you “out” to ?
Everyone.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
Very.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice but not without pressure . . . pressure meaning it was my "first time" with someone and it was a girl. I couldn't finish the deed and I eventually admitted I was attracted to guys. We did have a relationship for just shy of a year but she dumped me, luckily; it would not have worked in the long run.

What reactions did you receive?
All accepting, thankfully.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
100% positive.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
My biggest fear is assault. My second biggest fear is losing what progress we've made in this country. If Sarah Palin had her way, for instance, it would be illegal for my husband to get health insurance through my employer.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I do my best to not take any crap.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
None.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Had there been resources and support when I was younger, I probably would've come out much earlier than 28.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I just did what I could to suppress everything. In addition, I read everything I could find and just about everything I read indicated same-sex attraction was a normal phase for boys and it would go away. So I waited. The only thing I read that didn't tell me it was just a phase was The Joy of Gay Sex, which was first published when I was 13. I became very skilled at slipping away and flipping through it at bookstores every chance I got.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I saw a therapist for a few months when I was 27. That was a big help as she was the second person I told I was not straight.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I'm not sure as I've not utilized any here. On the other hand, there's a local organization for LGBTQQ youth and my husband and I became adult volunteers there around three months ago.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
When I was younger, I would've been too embarrassed. There was a Gay Student Union at my college but I was terrified of it. I was curious but no one could know!

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Immensely! I think the 'net is the best thing to have ever been invented for gay/bi kids. Sure, there are dangers (predators luring kids into dangerous situations) but the fact that kids all over the world are finding that there are other kids like themselves, and the global support network that they're building out of this is just absolutely incredible.

If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think my life would be very different, indeed. I almost certainly would not have waited 'til I turned 28 to come out. I probably also would not have dated the two girls I did, or had sex with the second. On the other hand, if my youth had been different, I wouldn't be with my husband today and I wouldn't give him up for anything.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The Internet for the reason already stated.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I'm not all that anonymous 'cause the pseudonym I use has been linked to my real name for years. It'd not be all that difficult to find out who I am and where I live. I'm not too worried, but I'm also neither a teenager nor in the closet, so I don't have that need for anonymity that many folks do.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
My parents are just shy of celebrating their 47th anniversary, so yes, they were both on the scene. They both have influenced me though my mom probably a bit more. As for relatives, I don't even know of any distant relatives that aren't straight.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Yes, but we're too old to adopt an infant and we don't have the financial wherewithal to properly raise a child, either. I get very depressed about it sometimes.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I wouldn't fake anything. Adoption would be a definite option if we were younger and better off financially. I have a friend who I'd consider for surrogacy but I couldn't ask that of her.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Learn to accept yourself! Don't hate yourself for being gay. Don't fight it like I did. Living in fear sucks. On the other hand, think carefully about your actions when you decide to come out. If you think your parents will not be accepting, make sure you are able to live without their aid, should they disown you. It breaks my heart that that still happens.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Not that I can think of but it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Life would be easier if I were straight . . .
Life would be more complicated if I were bisexual . . .
I'd choose to be gay because I really can't imagine being any other way. In addition, gay sex is way more intense and emotionally powerful than straight sex.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
I did my best to never put on a false face in the coming out process, though I did go through a phase of dressing pretty damn gay. Nowadays, it's primarily jeans or shorts and band shirts.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No. I love being in a diverse neighborhood with both straight and gay neighbors and I love being just outside a major city with a large gay population.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I used to wish when I was younger that I lived in ancient Greece when it was OK to have sex with other boys but, from what I understand, it wasn't so acceptable for adults and anal was right out, so no thanks! I also used to wish I lived in Morocco a few decades ago when boys were allegedly encouraged to have sex with each other in order to have an outlet prior to marriage. Again, I don't think same-sex relationships were acceptable amongst adults.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they were in better health.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I wish I had green eyes but mine are hazel and that's close-ish.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I need to lose weight and get back in shape. I want to fit in my old clothes again!

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
My remarkable ability to procrastinate. My shyness.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Not sure.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Most definitely! Life hands us a set of circumstances and it's up to us to choose what to do with them. For us gay folk, we can either choose to accept ourselves as we were born and live and love openly or we can shun our true nature and do what we can to hurt those who do not. It really saddens me when I hear about yet another homophobic preacher, politician, what have you caught with a dick in his mouth.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Not exactly, though I can't really spell out how they're different other than you can decide to make a choice. Then again, you can choose to make a decision too. My head hurts.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
It's hard to say. Had I come out when I was a teenager, I might be dead as I was 17 as the AIDS crisis began. On the other hand, I would not have been promiscuous no matter what age I came out, so AIDS wouldn't necessarily have been a big risk for me. The biggest difference would probably be that my husband and I might have had kids had we met sooner.

An Interview With... Peter - Formerly of Peter's Blog.

2009-03-02T11:58:00.005Z

Peter is a fine young man who ~~until recently, was~~ is the author of Peter's Blog (formerly known as Gay Boy From PA). He is a keen James Bond fan and an aficionado on the American Civil War. Peter also enjoys reading and learning about The Titanic... more specifically about the actual ship rather than the human aspect. He plans to create a number of blogs devoted to The Titanic, The American Civil War and WWII in the near future and I'm sure they will make for some fascinating reading. You can view Peter's ~~profile~~ current blog here.

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Introduction...

Name: Peter
Age: 17
Occupation/Student: Student
Country and State/County: Pennsylvania, USA
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Masturbation lol.

Likes/Dislikes:
Likes: Ships, James Bond.
Dislikes: Certain people….one of them writes this blog… lol just kidding.

Loves/Hates:
Loves: The Titanic.
Hates: Attention seekers. At least ones who over seek.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To become a Naval Architect…..maybe.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I was forced!!!! Lol no, I wanted to cos... well I have no idea why lol.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
Who would choose to be part of a minority so you can get picked on and all that?

When did you realise that you were gay?
I knew that I was different very young, but I didn’t officially start labeling myself as gay until I was about 15 years old maybe.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I have accepted it. I know that it is something that I can’t change so there is no reason not to accept it.

Who are you “out” to ?
Other gay people on here and one of my friends in real life.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
It took a while to get up the courage, but after it was all said and done with I felt better.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
A neutral one.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Even though it was only to one person, that made me feel so much better inside. I’d have to say it was a positive one.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
Hmmm, this one’s a tuffy. I don’t know really.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
No…not yet.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
Internet.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Definitely helped me in a lot of ways. I can’t imagine living without the internet.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Both, but I’m sure I have stuck it out without help more than I have asked or searched for it.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Only the best kind from my cyber pals ^_^. Even if I don’t always follow it.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I don’t know. I don’t use them so I really don’t even know what GLBT stands for, but I don’t think there are any around here.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I would be way too shy, probably for all those reasons.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
(Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.)
It has been a great help to me, so I’m sure others have taken advantage of it. If they haven’t, then they really need to.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Probably not as well as I am today.

What do you think your life would be like now?
I would probably not be out to anyone, so therefore I would be a lot lonelier.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Blogging, because you meet so many people here who are like you, and others who want to help.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I don’t have a real concern for my safety here, but I probably would if I was somewhere else.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad? Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Mom was definitely the biggest influence in my life. No gay/bi relatives that I know of.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Not really, just someone to be with.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No kids for me. But I would not enter into a straight relationship just to be with someone.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Start your own blog!! It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have made a bunch of friends that I can actually talk to here.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
You can’t change it so don’t worry about it so much. If you have an interest in guys then you are probably gay or at least bi. Don’t try to change that.

Based on your life to date as a gay teenager...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Straight because they have an easier live it seems than gays.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa? (List as many as you want to)
Ummm….not sure.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No, not really. I like my little town.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
No way!!! This is the best time in history to live….maybe that’s because I didn’t live in any other time period… o_O

What would you choose to change about your parents?
Their marital status. I would have preferred to have parents who aren’t divorced.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
I have 4 brothers and that’s way more than enough!!!

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would definitely not want to have the facial paralysis.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
Lol. I don’t know.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Ah, defiantly procrastination and laziness... shouldn’t I be doing school work right now? lol.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Ummm… I don’t know.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes and no. I think the little things are influenced by us, but not the big things. I just made that up lol.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Lol, that is such a philosophical question (and the last one wasn’t?). I have no answer.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
A little better than it is now.

Something For The Weekend...

2009-02-28T12:01:00.002Z

Hi Guys,

Ok, this is a scheduled post because I'm busy moving etc. and I'll have no Internet connection for 5-7 days (as you know). That means I'm going to be soooo behind on your blogs and sorry, but obviously I won't be leaving any comments for the next week. I'll catch up as soon as I possibly can though, but in the meantime my best wishes go out to all of you.

So, I have "Interviews" scheduled for Monday and Thursday. Please read and comment on them because all the guys have put a lot of time, trouble, effort and personal thoughts and feelings into them!

Quickies:
Thank you to torchy! for his help with my technical thingies, and thanks to aahsazyl too for his help with other technical thingies!

Hi to GTG1, my new follower! I think he's new lol. He appeared when this new "Google Friend Connect" thing arrived, so maybe he'd managed to hide somewhere before that. Anyway, check out his blog by following the link above or in the sidebar.

Talking of links, the following are all new ones so please check them out too:
Peter's Blog (Yeah, he's back!)
Josh's Blog
Mr HCI's Blog
Sethy's Blog
Ken's Blog

And finally, some funnies for the weekend...

While I was driving down the A127 the other day (going a little faster than I should have been), I passed under a bridge only to see a copper laying in wait on the other side with a radar gun in his hand. His mate, waiting in the layby further down the road, pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "Sorry! I'm late for work."

He then asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The copper was surprised, and confused: "A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then two fingers, then three, then four, and once my whole hand is in I work it from side to side until I can get both hands in. Then, I slowly but surely stretch the hole until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper cautiously asked: "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied: "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Speeding ticket: £60.00
Penalty Points: 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless...

That's gonna hurt!!

That's one sad looking Cat!

Umm... I think I'll just hold it thanks!

This season's BBQ "must have!"

That's all for now folks. I hope you all have a great week!!

Take care,

Col

An Interview With... Ken - FENCE RIDER

2009-02-26T16:00:00.002Z

Ken is the author of FENCE RIDER blog. He enjoys photography, fishing and the beach. I believe he's a Sci-Fi and Fantasy fan too.

Please visit his blog at the above link.

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting. I found it fascinating.

Introduction...

Name: Ken Johnson
Age: 59
Occupation: Retail support
Country and State/County: USA,NC, Dare
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Gardening, photography, fishing, doing good for others, and walking the dogs. I live on a golf course, next to the ocean. If your not familiar with the outer banks of North Carolina, it’s a long sandbar along the coast. . My county is 100 miles long and a half mile wide, with water on both sides. My rent is cheap. I am only two miles from work.

Likes/Dislikes:
I like a beer before bed, pain free days, pretty flowerbeds, and good landscaping. blond haired young men.
I dislike pushy women who want to be my girlfriend.

Loves/Hates:
I love hugs and how dogs can love so forgivingly.
I hate rejection.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I have given up on most of my dreams. I just try to get through the day without building up any false expectations with other people. I have no goals cept maybe to find the energy to spend more time on the beach this summer with a camera.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I would like to express my feelings. If only I understand them better, then it is good.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think along the way in life minor choices were made that influenced our preference. Early on bi is possible, later this will cause serious conflicts and a choice will be made. I don't believe we are predetermined. we start developing preferences at an early age then we follow a course of action to satisfy those preferences.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In the 5th grade I developed a non-physical relationship with a friend of my older brother. We became close. I really was in love with him. He could have had his way with me anytime.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I did not want to accept early on. I feared rejection and consequences. I married a girl with a boyish face, a miserable 8yrs. When that was over, Aids came out. Fear of Aids drove me deeper in the closet. I believe I accept it now. I know what my preference is. I now have religious convictions and am struggling with what choice to make. I am a strong believer. I am not a joyous christian. Health issues and male menopause have all but taken away sexual ability.

Who are you “out” to?
I am out to only a few close friends who are mostly gay women, and a few young men who I have blundered in upon when they were having sex in the mens room. They deny they're that way and reject me. We were good friends before the incident. Now if anybody was to ask I would say" yes I am gay." It would be just as easy as saying "yes I am a christian". This is not a conflict for me. I know I am not perfect. I know I am forgiven.

How difficult was it for you to "come out"?
I came out when I was suffering heartbreak over a broken relationship and I needed someone gay to talk to. It was not hard, they didn’t say it but they knew all along. My heartache broke down the barriers.

Did you "come out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
I came out by the circumstances in the previous answer. I am blessed that past work experiences have given me many openly gay friends whose kindness I will forever appreciate. I think mom has known since the fifth grade, she was harsh then but has suffered in silence ever since.

What reactions did you receive?
Nothing but kindness.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I was greatly relieved that I didn't have to continue the lie anymore.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I fear my church family. I separate my two lives. I guess there I can never come out of the closet. That’s unfair, church is a family place. People are rightly concerned about their children.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
I fear my church, they would place sanctions on me if I was "out" there. This has to be worked on. I am not a pedophile. The "straight" parents won't want me around the children if I come out there. I'm dealing with my own heart here.

What resources and other means of support were available to you whilst growing-up?
I was an army brat. There was nothing in the sixties for support. 'Homo's" were only old perverts back then. It did not happen in the schools. Gay teachers, like my high school wrestling coach, were just transferred instead of prosecuted. Nobody wanted to make it public. It just didn't exist.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
I have had to deal with my feelings entirely alone. when I was young contact with other gay boys was to scary even though I lived in Wash dc suburbs. the gay places were way to scary.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I always took the grin and bear it route. I am a Vietnam war vet decorated for valor on the battlefield. My feelings scared me more than battle. I never had anyone I felt I could talk to.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I live in a small town. The gay community here is very transparent. There is a large HIV+ group here but they have only the county health department to help them.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There is only a battered women's shelter here run by the gay women.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I could go in now. Not too long ago I would cross the street to avoid it.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
I don't know. Outside of this survey, I have only used the internet as a source of gay porn. I think there are a lot of bloggers, who use the internet to express their gay feelings anonymously.

If you had grown-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today, and the difference in society‘s attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
I think if more positive resources had been available I might have broken through the barrier much earlier. That was also in the pre-AIDS time. I know AIDS, early on, took a large toll on the gay men's population, all the openly gay men I knew at the time disappeared. Maybe my problem was I never met the right guy early on. I knew some but they never survived the war.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The internet is a good medium. It has avenues of self expression with encouragement. It has support links, entertainment, and avenues for personal growth.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
The net allows some anonymity, but in the long run you only hide from yourself.

When growing up, were both mum & dad on the scene? Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
They were both around. I rebelled from them both pretty equally. I spent more time with mom so I respect her the least. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Dad never did anything with me except addict me to cigarettes at an early age. He blamed me for difficulties he had in his career path. Mom was stuck trying to mold and shape me, I rebelled and was running the streets by the time I was twelve years old. Dads military career, and the baby boomer thing, caused me to be shuffled around a lot. I was in a different school every year from the fourth grade on. I have never been any good at forming relationships.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Not that I know of except maybe my son. He has avoided me for the last ten years. He will be thirty this year and still lives at home with his mom and step dad. My nephew once expressed gay feelings when he had to much wine. He also is near thirty and still lives at home.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
I had one. I would only like to have a better relationship with my own children.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I enjoyed being a dad. I was not a joyous spouse. At church I have enjoyed being a surrogate grandfather.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
I would say break loose. You are the source of your own misery. The world is far more liberal now. The community is much bigger. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will open.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Fear of rejection has left me old and tired. Don't follow my ways.

So, based on your life to date as a gay man...

If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would still want to be gay. I prefer the beauty of the male body. I would hope the second time I would not be so hindered by fear.

What other choices would you make, for example about "coming out", or if you're (and I'm not labelling, just using common descriptions etc) "camp"... choosing to be "straight acting" and vice-versa?(List as many as you want to)
I wish I could have come out earlier.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
I would only like a different place because this place is very closeted. I like the totally laid back atmosphere of the beach.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
I would like to be a younger age, but this time period is the right one to be in.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I wish they hadn't blamed me for my conception.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
Siblings are cool when you get older.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would like my hair to be blond again, and a little fuller. Vanity.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be in shape. It would be healthy and more attractive.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Being timid, lacking self confidence, being suspicious of other peoples motives.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Outgoing, and spontaneously friendly.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, our lives are shaped by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Yes, every choice we make has consequences. These consequences are the forces that affect our course in life. Every consequence leads to more choices.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is to choose between two things. A decision is to pick one of the choices then to follow through all the consequences.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I would be in a long relationship with someone from my youth. We would have a comfortable business. Life would not have been so full of it's terrible ups and downs. I also would not be wasting so much time on the internet.

An Interview With... JC - JC (messiah)

2009-02-23T11:58:00.001Z

If you don't know who he is yet, fellow Brit JC is the author of JC blog. He writes poetry, music and his own lyrics. He's one cool guy!

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...

Age: 19
Occupation/Student: forensic student
Country and State/County: nottz/uk
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: ermm bi sexual but turning more gay and also confused

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes: making music, drinking, relaxing, having a laught

Likes/Dislikes: Hmm well i like to drive, i like to get wasted, i dislike ppl who irate me. I like a lot of stuff and dislike a lot of stuff

Loves/Hates: Isn’t this kinda the same as like and dislike? I love my dead rabbit, replaced by a rabbit not love as much, i love to know to that i have a time limit, hate to know that i am just human.love making ppl laught, but hate when there laught when it is not funny.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
Dream: to be a singer rapper, but just live in a normal house and life with the fame and money
Goals: to be a copper, and police dog and find someone to love.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
The same reason why i agreed to give blood, why not,hopefully i can do good and give my side of the world that i am trying to find.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
Never 1 or 2, always both, we are born the mind, and we are shaped to be the way we are, it is not a choice, but a name

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
errrmm kinda know when i was about 14/15, but kinda just ignored it and hope it would pass.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
As time comes by i think we all accept it, it like looking at the guy in the wheel chair, we make fun of him of not being to walk, and think thankgod i can walk, thinking i will never be like that, thinking it cant happen to me, we can easily realise it but many are scared to accept it, its like there just don’t teach u for this to happen

What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
i think this can be true, i think many young guys are bi, but as life goes on there more likely straight or gay, i just don’t think there wanna label them self yet

Do you feel that your life has been “easier” and people are more accepting of you as a bisexual person, than if you were gay?
Yepo, cause people can still feel there can still relate about somthing, there can still say, check out that girl.

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Ermmm my mates, and probabal some strangers know, and i think my sister has a idea.
Well i got to tell my family one day, and i also think thats the hardest but there got plans for u, cause there care.

How difficult was it for you?
My kinda out, was kinda easy, i used a test reaction to my mate, with a text

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
Kinda by choice and not, it was killing me inside not be quite wat i wasn’t and not telling my mates

What reactions did you receive?
I got a hug and there saying there all cool with it, like there been expecting it

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I say its a step to the fututure, the time to have fun

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Being ridiculed, not being accepted, being beaten up, being alone

Have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Nope not yet, and if i do, i just joke it off or we go toe to toe.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Ermmmmmmmmmmm, watcha dodoa duno wnuino

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?:
Help for what, i have searched for help, when it comes too much and u need to share the problems

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
I get the advice, but it isn’t the advice that helps, it that some one is listening, that someone care, and that helps

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
What is glbt, where is this community, is there one is my place

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Paranoid if someone saw me walked into one yes, don’t know if i visted one, i probably go to see all the hots guys

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.
yes it seems too doesn’t it, the internet is great for this, because we don’t have to fear about being founded so we can connect.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Hmm i go mad, live a lie, it wouldn’t be pretty, trust me

What do you think your life would be like now?
i imagine a black and white picture, with a tint of blue

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
ermmm can i say me, please let me say me

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
yes, we all need a hididng place. A place away from the place.but with a window

Do you want a family?
i do, but wat kinda life wil i have, is it socalily posisble

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to achieve this, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
knowing me, straight

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
come out to ur mates, but i mean the really good ones, never hide who u are, but don’t be a fool.be smart, but don’t be too quick to judge ur self, just have fun

Is there anything else you’d like to add?:
yes do to the unforeseen sight of the uk, i need to ask u a question, and my question is...
Do u think this makes my bum look big in this. Hmmm, does it?

So… based on your life to date as a bisexual teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
if could chose, obvious the answear would be straight, why wouldn’t it be, but and there is always a but, i wouldn’t, and i gues that wouldn’t, gues i know i couldn’t, i know that wouldn’t be me and i be living in some parell universe, the question is why chose.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
i am out to my mates, and i try to think i am straight acting, but when would i like to come out, as soon as i knew, i and i gues i did, as i always half know but wasn’t quite sure, sometimes i still i am, and to my parents i wouldn’t want to let, only when i have a job, a nice house and stable in the life.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Sunny australia, or france, seem very nice, britian seems very dull, i lived here and it seems like i been here to long, like a new part of a life, needs a fresh start.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Sometimes i feel like i am in the wrong time, i liked the 90’s, but wat about the future, couldn’t say till i know what it was like

What would you choose to change about your parents?
More richer, i gues, and my mum is alright, but my dad is alright, but we does come from the 1950’s where the views of today wasn’t heard of, maybe he will be alright but i know there will also be that thing in the back of his mind, saying if only.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
Errmm more brothers my age, that would be cool, having sister around ur age can send u crazy.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
ermm i think my skin, nothing really, if a person asked, i would tell u to do what u think

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I will do what ever one would do, be more toned, but i gues i can do that if i worked out

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Hmmm i guess to loose the essence of being the guy who is lost. Guess i don’t want to be lost no more.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
More confidence, to do anything that i want and to tell it like it is., and why cause i want to do, but i wont

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
what i agree with is that we live by examples we lived and each person will live as there need to be, why some will make the choices to make sense, and the rest will go with the flow to see where end up, and is it beyond our power of influence or control, in the end i gues it always will be.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
A choice is somthing we think about while the decisions is the final act of the choice we have taken and we try to stick by it

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
Hmmm with better parents, with better looks and a nice coolo place, somthing beyond my control i think, don’t ya agree?

"The Plan" & Interruption to my ISP.

2009-02-21T10:31:00.003Z

Hi guys,

I hope you're enjoying the "Interviews" so far, I know I am (but then I guess I'm a bit biased. Lol)

I doubt you'll remember, but in my post on 16th January '09 I mentioned "The Plan" which could, if it goes tits-up, possibly leave me with nothing... no home, no belongings etc.

Well, the first part of the plan is nearing completion. I'm giving up the tenancy on my 4-bedroom home as of Saturday 28th February and renting a bedsit (a lounge/sleeping area, bathroom & kitchen) for a month. I will not actually be living there and so I'll give the minimum one month notice immediately. It's actually a five-way exchange but you don't need to know all the details. Lol.

My brother Dick, his wife & their two daughters will move into my house, from their two-bedroom house, on Saturday 28th February and I will be renting a bedroom from them. Now this is going to be a major culture shock for all of us, but especially me I think, because I've lived alone for so many years.

I'll probably spend a lot of time in my room because that's where my PC will be, whereas at the moment it's in my lounge. The problem is... the bedroom I'm moving to is not the biggest (or the smallest) but with three double wardrobes, a bedside cabinet, a PC desk and a king-size bed, there won't be any room left to move... a little claustrophobic me thinks. Lol.

With the exception of my clothes, footwear, DVD's, CD's, some books, some prints, some Clarice Cliff ornaments, a Jasper Conran (Wedgewood) dinner service and my PC... I've given everything (from cleaning supplies and cutlery to leather sofas, maple lounge units, kitchen appliances and TV's) away to family. I'm sure you can imagine how much furniture and stuff there would be in a 4 bedroom house... and none of it was "shoddy" either. Lol. Anything they don't want will be taken to the tip next Sunday.

So, the next part of "The Plan" is to save enough money (once I've found a job, lol) to rent a furnished apartment in Spain for at least two years. Once I'm working the saving won't be a problem, because the only outgoings I'll have will be my rent (which is £60.00 per week all-in) and my mobile phone :)

Once I'm in Spain I'll search for work... in retail, bars, restaurants, wherever... I really don't care as long as I earn enough to pay the rent and eat. I'll be learning Spanish before I go, so I should be able to get by conversationally at least. Of course, a lot of work over there is seasonal and that's where "The Plan" could fail BIG TIME!! If I end up with no work and I have to come back to the UK, I'll have nowhere to live etc.

I've always been there for my family, and they've always expected me to be there too. When they've had quarrels and rows etc. with their spouses, who have they come to for advice, a shoulder to cry on, somewhere to stay until things cool off?... me, that's who!! But, I couldn't and wouldn't, ask any of my family to put me up... so I could be living in "Cardboard City" before I'm 50. Lol.

I still think I'm doing the right thing though... If I don't do it now (and I really should've done it many years ago), I never will!

EDIT (Hopefully that's a bit clearer. Lol):
Right then, due to the move I will be without any ISP for approx. 5 - 7 days from Saturday 28th. I will schedule "Interviews" for Monday 2nd and Thursday 5th, but obviously, it also means that I will not be on MSN during that period too. I know what you're thinking... awww, what a shame! We'll miss you!! Yeah right!!!! Lol!

Anyway, take care guys and thanks for reading!

Col

p.s. It's now Saturday and I'm waiting for my brother to show up with an assortment of boxes and God knows what else. I've just disposed of any "old" footwear which was stored in one of my bedrooms and, omg, I've still got 37 pairs left! Where the fuck am I going to store them all now?? They're all either new or hardly worn so I don't want to get rid of them... Formals = 8prs, Casuals = 10prs, Trainers = 5prs, Mules, Sandals and Flip-Flops (Thongs?) = 14prs.

Don't even get me started on the amount of clothing I have. Lol.

An Interview With... Seth - Sethboyardee.

2009-02-19T16:00:00.002Z

If you don't know who he is yet, Seth is the author of Sethboyardee blog. He's a very popular man in the gay/bi blogging world, and rightly so! He's recently re-designed his excellent blog and so it's really easy to view it and get to know all about him.

If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Intro...

Age: 32
Occupation/Student: Unemployed / Chef
Country and State/County: USA, New Jersey
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Always confused, but Gay.

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Reading, chatting online, collecting porn, blogging, sleeping, eating/cooking

Likes/Dislikes:
I dislike the entire “celebrity” concept, how stars and people are glorified and overpaid for no real reason. But I’ll not get too much into that. I LOVE food, love cooking, eating, thinking about food. Love cuteboys and eye-candy of course. I like my peace and quiet. Music assorted tastes everything from classical to big band to cutting edge club music. Reading, lots and lots of fiction thrillers.

Loves/Hates:
Despise anything political. Its all Bullshit. (can we curse here?). Love my two “babies” – cats Pinky and Tyler. Not really sure on religious views, but I really don’t get much into that.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
To own my own business. Probably realistically something food-related, either a restaurant, café, etc. A gourmet hot chocolate store (selling various brands, made-to-order, etc. is one of my dreams.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I’m pretty open about some parts of my life, and enjoy sharing with others. Perhaps something in my experiences or views can help someone else. Results may vary.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I believe its pre-determined in some way – genetically? Upbringing/childhood? Not totally sure, but unless its some sort of trendy “oh, look, I’m gay” sort of thing, I don’t think we have a choice.

When did you realise that you were gay?
Well, perhaps around beginning of highschool. But officially / admitting it, not until after my first semester at college. After I got past my highschool thoughts that “I’ll grow out of it, get a girlfriend, and be normal once I get to college”.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I realized it long before I accepted it in myself. Even in hindsight, there were signs much younger that I now see. Again, I somehow thought it was something WRONG WITH ME, that I would “get over it” and “become normal” later in life. Of course, that was mostly of product of my absolute clueless-ness about the whole issue. Not any bias or family values, just pure clueless about what was really going on. Sort of “gee, WHY do I like all the boys in my class?”

(For bisexual interviewees) What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you’re either gay or straight and that you‘re lying to yourself because you won‘t admit you‘re actually gay?
(not bi, but I figured I’ll add my thoughts here) – I do believe people are bisexual, attracted to members of both sexes for various reasons. However, its also a “label” issue for some people, who can’t quite admit and feel they have to cover themselves in a half-way plausible excuse. (But, that’s not a “bad” thing for everyone, I suppose).

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Everyone, except perhaps Grandma. But she did stop asking me, several years ago, “when I am getting married” so… who knows? But, I don’t hide it from anyone, most if not all of my current friends are from the gay community. People who meet me never seem to assume that I am gay, (always assume I’m hetero, which gets annoying) – so sometimes I feel like I should wear a t-shirt advertising the fact up front. I went through periods early in my coming out years, of being “rainbow” – covered in rainbow stickers, etc. Now, I’m just me, being me, but I still hate when people just assume I’m hetero. Also, I recently “came out” to my old highschool friends, well, not really actively except for my best friends, but I re-connected via MySpace and Facebook, and my profiles certainly don’t hide the fact I like boys more than girls.

(If you’re “out” at all) How difficult was it for you?
Thankfully, very easy. I’m blessed to never have experienced any problems, or issues, or violence, etc in my life. Of course, as I mentioned, in highschool prior to college, I thought I would cure myself, so I suppose that could be counted as some internal/mental “difficulty” with coming out and accepting myself.

Did you come “out” by choice, or were you “outed” by somebody else?
By choice.

What reactions did you receive?
Mom was first – she was fine with it, just concerned I wouldn’t get hurt or anything, in her usual Mom concern.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
Positive, definitely glad. I doubt I could have continued deluding myself for long, especially as I matured and gained knowledge.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Thankfully, again, I’ve been blessed with not having any major issues. Knock on wood, it will stay that way. I do fear any sort of violence, but I also don’t really GO anyplace that might be construed as dangerous in any way, so its somewhat moot, although it can happen anywhere.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
Once again, I have been extremely lucky in the fact that I’ve never really had any issues, always had people accepting, and the environments I have lived in have always been positive.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Through highschool, I had no resources whatsoever. (This was the first part of the 90’s, so the “Internet” was not yet prevalent. No Google, etc. However, I did get online right after highschool, using BBS chat rooms (with a dialup 33.6k modem OY!!!) and began learning and exploring the gay community. (And lots of cybersex LOL). One “resource” I would like to mention, because it made a HUGE DIFFERENCE in my life, was the book “The Best Little Boy In The World” by John Reid (really Andrew Tobias, using a pseudonym). This book was – well, it just opened my eyes and blew me away, a true awakening that I was NOT the only one in the world bearing the “burden” of being different, not the only one struggling with my huge secret. Amazing book, highly recommended.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
Now, I can’t think of life before Google. But back then, the use of the BBS chat etc, was a huge factor in my growth/discovery/acceptance. Just talking with other people, then eventually going out and MEETING other people in real life, made a huge impact on the second part of my life.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
Once I got online, started asking questions and learning things, it was much easier.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I live about half-way between New York City and Philadelphia, NYC being one of the largest gay communities in the entire country, and Philadelphia also having a huge gay community. However, in my state (NJ) there are only a few organizations available, which seems somewhat odd. There is a “Pride Center”, a large “activist” group which also offers support/social/activites/groups., and a couple of social, political, and health/mental health/support groups. The local universities/colleges have gay groups, but none very active as far as I can determine. There used to be a youth coming out/ support group, but its been disbanded due to the prevalence of the internet offering more resources. It seems, generally, that things have gotten somewhat less “active” due to the internet, and the way society has changed. Of course, in the two big cities, there are a lot of resources also. It would be nice to see a little bit more cohesiveness between various groups, and more easily accessible information, even online.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
(Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.)
I’ll mention the book again, The Best Little Boy In The World, which I believe took place in the 1970’s , and offers a pre-internet view. In the past, the only “resources” were gay bars, (and the problems inherent with that), or perhaps some stereotypical and unapproachable persons in the community. It was a very “underground” and inaccessible sort of thing. But for me, coming up into adulthood just as the internet took hold, has been a huge factor in the gay community. Of course, hand in hand with the internet making resources and information much more available, the gay rights movements have made much progress in the last, say, 15 years or so. The Internet has opened things up, and people can, for example, Google. Or chat in a gay chat room. (Which is both a good and a bad thing) Even people “coming out” can explore their desires, learn information, and just be able to talk (chat) with people from all over, with all sorts of experience and advice. That’s how it was for me, at any rate.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Oy. It’s a shame no one in the past did studies on rates of suicide for gay teens, etc. Of course, they wouldn’t have been able to FIND them, so…. Personally, I think I might have gone longer with not accepting myself, perhaps even stayed in the closet, or internalized things, or hidden my true thoughts.

What do you think your life would be like now?
Hard to contemplate those sort of questions. But, thankfully as I’ve mentioned, I’ve had a good ride so far. Not sure if I would have, if things had been different.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Actually, I think a lot of resources are very disjointed. Said above, I’d like to see more cohesiveness in the entire gay community, and even the gay internet community, as far as resources go. Things are fragmented – gay chat, gay classifieds (sex, etc) but also gay blogs, gay websites, gay magazines in the stores, reports in the media – things have become so prevalent in life its hard to NOT hear something about “gay” at least once a week in the mainstream media.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
Nooooooooo. I hate little screaming children. LOL. Although, I sometimes do feel sad that I will be the last one of my family, there will be no future generation to carry on our name. Perhaps someday, adopting – provided they come packaged and ready to ship right off to college ha ha ha to avoid all the fuss.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No fake relationships. Unless I met a really hot chick. Ha ha. But no, probably adoption, never really gave much thought to surrogacy.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up an only child (with Mom). They were divorced when I was very young, and Dad was never much in my life. After 8th grade, I think I have seen him 3 or 4 times. Basically, I just kind of accepted that he was not part of my life, and that was that.

Has your mum had much of an influence on your life?
In fact a HUGE influence, but thats because she's insane. LOL.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Unfortunately no. One cousin may or may not be a lesbian, but we're leaning towards not. Shes just a spinster at this point. (And, for humor, my two gorgeous-twin-17-year-old-emo-boy cousins, are not. *sigh*)

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Sometimes, part of me can’t believe how much angst and stress and problems that people go through, even today, a new generation or two later in time. How people still have issues with coming out, pretending, denial, and even ignorance. It seems as if there is so much information at everyone’s fingertips today – Google alone – amazing wealth of resources. However as I mentioned earlier, I think there is still a lot of incohesive aspect to resources – you’d have to dig around to find some local things that would be of use. However, there are great online resources, and you can pretty much remain anonymous while you explore them. I think if people are really serious about seeking help, its easy to find a place to start.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
Might have some comments later…

So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
Based on the way I watch heteros behave, I think I would still want to be gay. But generally speaking, I am a unique person, no matter what/who I choose. Even though gay men are definitely perverted sex fiends (LOL) – there is not that “machismo” macho competitive age. In other words, gay men don’t behave like cavemen fighting over the women. Sure, some bitch slapping and heated words now and then, but generally speaking its not a base competition. On the flip side of the coin, of course, is the stigma and issues associated with being gay. Someone reasonable might say, gosh, look at all the things gay people have to suffer and endure, I rather “fit in” easily. To me, being unique is the most important – and I suppose I could do that whichever direction I chose. Of course another contradictory thought would be “well, gay people ARE normal we are just like everyone else” – but that’s opening a whole other can of worms and getting too complex. So, I guess what I am angling towards is, do we choose the easy path, or the difficult road, in terms of sexuality?

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
My coming out process went very smoothly, I don’t think I’d change much of anything since I really could not have asked for better circumstances, or less drama, or anything else. So, the IF part was already taken care of, wouldn’t make that any different.
The WHEN part. Well, wow, I guess I really wish I would have come out earlier – say, 9th grade or sometime in early highschool years. Mostly, because I would have saved myself 4 years of stress and frustration. I would have been better able to enjoy, and take advantage of, what in retrospect I truly believe were golden years. Living more comfortably with myself, having come out earlier, would have been a blessing.

I’d of course have come out to “everyone”. With a bang, perhaps?
I sort of hover in the middle as far as how I percieve myself to be. Most people say I am very straight acting (hell, I worked as a bouncer) and most people never even know I’m gay. Of course, my friends all say (in their own campy way) “oh well, gee, how could someone NOT know you are gay you’re so flaming and flamboyant?” However, at times it makes it difficult, in some way – I often want to shout out LOOK AT ME, I AM REALLY GAY, especially when I try and flirt (which I am not very good at) and it just goes right over some cute boys head, since he just assumes I’m str8. Does that make sense?

Also, I kind of dislike the term “str8 acting” since acting, is well, fake. Does that mean someone is consciously trying NOT to be campy/flamboyant? Putting on a different role? I think it really comes down to someone being self-assured of their own sexuality, and ideally not having to “express” it in any significant way. In other words, just being yourself.

On the other hand, I don’t really like to be campy. I’m not good at it either. I’m not very “gay” in terms of “gay things” in life – you might say I’m lacking my gay culture and couture. So, it also feels like I have to force myself to try and “act” a certain way, rather than just being myself.
Gosh this feels like some sort of philosophy exam or existentialism or something. Who am I? Why am I? J

Would you choose to live in a different place?
Well, I can’t really say for sure. I’ve grown up in the same state my entire life, basically. I have not traveled extensively, so I can only imagine or dream of other places. I would love to live someplace coastal. Especially Maine. I have a thing for Maine, even though I've only been there once, briefly. I think I really fit well with the temperament (as well as the climate) of the New England areas. Or someplace rural, a nice "small town America" with open space and farms and peace-and-quite. I could never, for example, imagine myself living someplace warm like Florida, although I do often think about someplace like California, sun and surf. Other worldwide destinations, not really thought of much.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
Hmm. I can't imagine going backwards in time, being so used to modern convienences - like, what would I do without my internet connection?!!? But I suppose going way back to Medieval times would be exciting, I've always loved reading about that period in history. Or perhaps a nice refined existence in the Victorian period, or something in the 1800's and early 1900's. I also can't imagine going into the future, because the way things are shaping up, and the way society is going, the future seems pretty scary.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
Heh Heh. You can HAVE Mom. LOL just kidding, I love her dearly. I grew up without Dad, so I don’t really know how much different life would be had I had a father figure in life. As it were, Mom has tried her whole life to be Mom, Dad, friend, sibling, and provider to me. Tough job, perhaps she’s overcompensated just a tad !!! I suppose the ideal “American Dream” family (mom, dad, brother, sis, dog, cat, white picket fence, etc) has some appeal, if just for “normalcy”. But then, from everything I have seen, there is no such thing as normal when it comes to family.

If you don’t have any siblings would you choose to have some?
I doubt it. I enjoyed the privilege and rank of being an only child. Not coming from a wealthy family, I wouldn’t have had half the toys, half the love, or all of Mom’s attention!! So call me greedy, but I could not / would not want to – have shared my life with someone else.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
Oy. Full cranial and facial reconstruction!!! Just chop off my head and start over, but plug my brain into the new one. I hate my looks, hate taking pictures. Recently, I don’t like my double chin, my receding hairline, or just the general look of my face at all. Of course, who I would choose to look like, or how… not sure.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
This is rather – personal and perhaps TMI. But. Well, lets start with losing 100 pounds, make that 120 pounds. That would eliminate a lot of the blubber and sagging fat. Get rid of the stomach, the man-boobies (but leave the nipples oh so sensitive!! – sorry, TMI), and the whale-thighs. I can deal without muscles. I could use some ummm… larger genitalia, to be polite. Oh, and recently I’ve become aware that my back is pretty hairy = gross. I’m a big-boned person (ha ha not like that) – I feel my bones are very strong and sturdy, so I do like that. And I do enjoy being TALL. If someone asks my “favorite” body part, for some reason I tend to like my calves. Except I’ve recently noticed a small spot of varicose veins. (Sigh) old age is coming fast, and the body is saying hey buddy, you passed 30 its all downhill from here.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Not so much personality traits, because I’m narcissitically in love with myself. But, I’d certainly choose to lose the mental issues – depression, bipolar, OCD, anxiety, DPD. I gues I’m rather self-centered, so that’s probably something that could be knocked off the platter.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Assertiveness. Definitely. That’s a big one that is sorely lacking.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I’m going to combine 11 and 12 here if that’s ok. I believe that the choices we have available, influence the decisions we make. Well, some of the time at least. We all make bad decisions, stupid decisions, idiotic mistakes, etc. But we learn from them. The two words overlap, you can substitute on for the other in many cases. We can “decide” to “choose” certain things in life, and that influences the course of our future. There is a lot of randomness in the world. I truly believe that, the whole chaos theory, butterfly effect, etc. I also believe in fate, mysticism, luck, and some superstitions, all of which play a part. There are a lot of times where we cannot choose (or decide), and are subject to the whims, actions, and effects of other people. I suppose, during the times we DO have choices to make, it does affect how we live our lives. Sorry, that ones kind of tough and I think I lost focus, couldn’t quite get the words out to make sense.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I’d probably either be in prison, or famous, or famously in prison!! J I’m going to state here “what I wish my life was like” at this time, not necessarily what I think it would be like.
I wish I had a more sucessful career path, stable and wealthier financial situation, and more exciting life. I wish I had a large circle of friends to invite to my nice neat house, for nice big dinners. I could splurge generously, live graciously, have a peaceful and relaxing life. A garden. A farm. A business of my own, which I would work incredibly hard at making sucessful, and making myself wealthy. Although not ridiculously wealthy. Wise decisions. Healthy mind and body and spirit. This is sort of free association. Fit, trim, handsome looking, but not gorgeous or vain. Self assured and confident. Ok, maybe extra-wealthy, but still prudent. Lots of material possessions, because lets face it, I’m not a monk. But yet simple and clean and orderly – not a lot of clutter in my mind, my house, my life. Dressed nicely (but not suit and tie – even if I had millions of dollars I’d refuse to wear them!!) and fashionable, but not obsessed with trendy fads. Busy, active, but not ever overwhelmed. Social, friendly, with close friends and lots of accquaintances. Private, circumspect, enjoying my privacy when I need it. And perhaps, having someone to care for in my life. Boyfriend? Lover? Houseboy? Master? Who knows – still developing thoughts on that.

An Interview With... Aahsazyl - The Awakening.

2009-02-16T17:46:00.000Z

Aahsazyl is author of the blog: The Awakening. Although he's currently living with his Aunt in Virginia, they will soon be moving to Seattle, Washington.
He includes among(st?) his collection of Sporting Weaponry: a CO2 pistol, throwing knives, combat knives, and a Katana (sword), of which he says... "is just pretty and i carry it now wherever i go." It's 40" long and 27" of that is the blade. He did have a gun too, but recently gave that away.
He is also somewhat of a linguist and speaks Portuguese, Spanish, French, and a bit of Dutch as well as English.

Please check out his blog by clicking on the link above.

Please note that the first part was an email questionnaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.
The second part was conducted "live."

Intro...

Age: 17
Occupation/Student: None
Country and State/County: United States of America, Virginia, Caroline County
Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Bisexual

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Weapon Sport (target throwing knives/hatchets, target shooting), Driving, Eating, Wanking, Speaking Foreign Tongues, Nibbling Foreign Tongues.

Likes/Dislikes… anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I fancy Vlad. He's a celebrity, isn't he? I don't like family (that's why you'll never hear me mention any of my four siblings, or my parents (another four of them)).
I like canines, cats and things related to mongooses (or weasels, oh Black Footed Ferrets). I am a militant anti-fascist (politically leaning towards communism) and dislike any form of organised religion.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I am going to be a forensic pathologist. Yes, that means you'll have to call me Dr. Aahz. *evil laugh*

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
Can't be bothered to do anything else (barely managed this).

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
It is determined by the same process that determines if you are attracted to people not from your race/reproducing population. Probably evolutionary in origin, in order to limit populations. Oh, thus, predetermined. Sorry...

When did you realise that you were gay/bi?
I have always been attracted to attractive people, regardless of sex.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
I do not believe a distinction should exist in the minds of rational people... Too bad there aren't more rational people.

What do you think of the argument that there is no such thing as being bisexual… you're either gay or straight and that you're lying to yourself because you won't admit you're actually gay?
I believe this is a new form of discrimination now that homosexuality is more accepted, I am very much proof of this, as I was never taught by my environment that homosexuality is wrong, yet I still call myself bisexual, not as a safer or more accepted name for my homosexuality but because I am indeed heterosexual as well.

Do you feel that your life has been "easier" and people are more accepting of you as a bisexual person, than if you were gay?
I had an exceptional childhood, I rarely dealt with any problems with my sexuality. However, this may be because I treat my sexuality as a peripheral part of my personality, rather than making it the basis for my personality. I.e. I am what straight people perceive as a "normal" person, not a person who makes his life about what makes him different (very much like a disabled person who uses their disability for gain/attention).

Who are you "out" to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Every one that asks, though I have never "come out" as I do not often wish force my personal life upon people who couldn't care less. (You're mother doesn't take your family into a room and tell (or imply, as people are often not explicit when coming out, but you know their doing the nasty) them that she likes to do naughty things with a very happy Saint Bernard, does she?)

How difficult was it for you?
It was/is not difficult.

Did you come "out" by choice, or were you "outed" by somebody else?
I have been outed by other gays who believed me a closeted homosexual because I didn't fly post it :)

What reactions did you receive?
A negative one, but it soon died down because I didn't make a big deal about it and continued as usual. Most of the people I considered my friends didn't care.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it's happened?
I would rather it had not have, because of the initial reaction. I was doing just fine and would have continued doing fine the way I was before it.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
I have none, I have been approached and hassled, the hasslers learned very quickly not to hassle.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
I carry two guns, regularly. 'Nuff said.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
I had support for various things, and if I had need support for identity issues I would have gotten it from my family or my school.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
I made no use of resources dealing with identity issues, because I had no such issues.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just "grin and bear" everything and hope you'll be okay?
Now you're getting tedious...

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
There are none, and that is more than enough.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
Too embarrassed. It's not really my thing.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90's?:
Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.
It was indeed worse in the USA, and I would have much enjoyed putting down tossers who felt they got to decide what was right.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
Um, militant anti-fascist, look it up. I'm good for gay bashers, women beaters, and the folks who lynch blacks. I'd put them down. Like dogs.

What do you think your life would be like now?
If I was lucky all that would be behind me by the nineties, if not, probably in jail or dead.

What do you think is the best resource?
Ones self.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
I am not anonymous, everyone I know knows me.

Do you want/have a family?
I do not. Children are little shites.

Why?
XD, kids suck, they must go through adolescence sometime and that's when they ruin the world!!!

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Don't do it!

Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Nope.

So… based on your life to date as a bisexual teenager:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
bi, because it means more opportunities to be happy

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
O_O i quite enjoy being as far from camp as possible, and i would continue on like i do now. if people; ask i tell lol, or i say none of your business and then i smack them ^_^

Would you choose to live in a different place?
yes, id live in New York city because i really like subways
Lol.
nah, really id live in bristol and id talk with a west country accent and no one would know what i was saying lol, or id live in haringey, north london. crouch end ^_^
prolly the last one
Why Crouch End?
i like it ^_^ its little but its in london ...sort of

Would you choose to live in a different time?
um, i wouldnt. i like now, the style of now, the feeling of it. its quite comfortable here
oh, i know! prolly um... 1200s
Why?
lol. i like to wear cool armour and a sword ^_^ and not tin man armour. id wear kevlar ^_^
Lol. A little early for that!
lol. yea, id have to find a way to get it back there. id have a car too lol.
so the answer is... id like to live out of my time

What would you choose to change about your parents?
lololol. id like them to be thin (they are both a bit round lol) and id like them to be tall-ish, and id like them to be rational minded. snappy dressers too. and get along, but still be divorced and remarried. thats important

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
lol. i would choose that they not exist cause theyre a bunch of cunts lol. they are just not the kind of people i like lol, and thus cunts.
nah, i just dont want siblings. i want all the love ^_^

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
lol. less prominent top lip... um, darker hair. different face really. um, different nose... pretty much everything
Why?
because id change it till its attractive to me, and thus how i would like my self to appear to others. oh, one more thing... id change my eyes to silver/gray with black lines in a sort of pattern
Contacts?
hmm no... muscle ligatures

What would you change about the rest of your body?
lol. i would like abs at all lol, less defined pecs, less hair, um... bigger cock lol, but not much bigger. only about 7in. um, neater pubes, thinner thighs, and longer feet and better toes
Lol. Not too much then?
wait wait theres more lol. my back is ugly lol
Ugly?
yeah, ugly. idk, it just has acne on it and is bony, but the rest of me isnt bony. im a bit pudgy actually. just my back.
oh, flatter bum too. and i have a birth mark on the right cheek... id totally get rid of that.
out of all of them; definitely the bum and the abs
So you have no abs at all then?
lol. nope, i have to lift my self up with a rope lol. im not fat, i just dont have any definition as it were. its just skin and hair lol

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
um, lots of things... mostly the sexual aspects. id rather be caring than lustful. id like to be more charming lol, and a bunch of other things which are hard to define. id have to spend some time going through my list, so i could give you the most relevant ones

What personality traits would you choose to have?
oh well, id be... damn, im gonna have to do a shopping list for traits lol
Lol
ill think about it while im packing ^_^

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
i do, because its a rational statement based on objective evidence

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
lol. yes, they are different derivatives of the same word. trust me...im a linguist lol
Lol.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
it would be full and id be going places with it. its sort of like driving... once you figure out how to do all the controls you start to pay attention to your surroundings more lol

Some Funnies For The Weekend...

2009-02-14T12:25:00.011Z

Enjoy guys!!

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of America 's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of 'those moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

I think this will work with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.

Sincerely,
Your Friend

Alternative Advertising:

For forks sake! How many tines do I have to tell you...

More Alternative Advertising...
...you're too young to get your nose pierced!!!

And finally, for Matt: A decent 'Essex Girl' joke...
An Essex girl goes into PC World looking for curtains for her PC.

The assistant says to her "You don't need curtains for a computer!"

Essex girl replies "HELLOOO! I've got fuckin' WINDOWS!"

That's all folks, have a great weekend!!

Take care,

Col

An Interview With... Bob - cvn70

2009-02-13T13:03:00.001Z

Hi guys,

Just to let you know that Bob's interview has been published. It seems I'm having problems (again) with my posts updating on your blog lists. I published and re-scheduled twice yesterday, but to no avail.

Cheers!
Col

An Interview With... Bob - cvn70

2009-02-13T00:30:00.002Z

Bob is not the author of any blogs, but he does comment on a number of them (not on mine though. lol). You may have read his comments under the name cvn70. If anybody would like to contact Bob with follow-up questions, or to comment or something then you can reach him via email at: at2rjm@live.com

Please note that this was an email questionaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Age: 47

Occupation/Student: Presently and for the last seven years I have been self-employed as an Attorney, prior to that I worked as an engineering systems planner/analysist for a company called Raytheon, which is a major US Defense Manufacturer for almost 15 years.

Country and State/County: I live in the Massachusetts, USA

Gay/Bisexual/Confused: Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes:
Things I like to do reading, being at the ocean, sailing boats especially over night somewhere or in races, being out in a storm, golfing, attending concerts and sporting events, watching sports, going charter fishing offshore in warm places, driving, snorkeling, comedy shows, staring at the stars, being awake all night, cooking food, and spending time with friends.

Likes/Dislikes. anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I like: my blackberry, music, reading a book rather then going to the movie, nice restaurants, helping people, the laws we live by for the most part, but then I am from Massachusetts, people who write blogs and myself, now
I dislike: all the hate in this world, being on public transportation, crowded places and roads, paying taxes for services I never receive, a team I favor losing, rude, uneducated and/or ignorant people who want to explain to me how I should live and whether I should have a right to exist at all, and working especially for people who cause their own problems.

Loves/Hates. anything again from people to pets, politics to religion, whatever:
I have been in love with two people who I have never told; I have loved having a dog and having several close friends
At times I hate being alone, but otherwise I gave up on hating anything else it is just to stressful.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
The only dream I have left to is to give up my present life and move to a warm climate, and then teach at a college. Maybe I even come out in this dream.

Aspirations: I used donate a certain amount of money to republican politicians every year but in the future I am going to give it to organizations to help gay/bi kids and support LGBT issues, organizations like the Trevor Project or the Lesbian Defense Fund, because I think I have been helping the wrong people in life, it was just the way o was raised to give to republicans.

Goals: I want to buy a home in Florida within the next ten years that I can use when I retire.

The questions...

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I wanted the people I leave comments too on their blogs and anyone who I do not talk as of yet to get to know me some and maybe find out some things about me because by reading your blogs I have learned a lot about each of you and the struggles you face.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
It is predetermined and we have no choice in our sexuality we get what we are dealt. I had no trauma I my life, no one raped me, my family had enough resources, there was none of the standard excuses I heard growing up in my life as to why people were gay I just was from the get go. If it was a choice I would have chosen differently and I tried to have sex with a friend and I could not do it with her so there is no choice involved for me.

When did you realise that you were gay?
In second grade, age 7, the rule was you had to go to the bathroom in pairs for whatever reason, well I always wanted to go with this kid Dana cause I was drawn to him and then after awhile I would want to be next to another boy and so on, but I did not know this meant I was “gay” until I was about ten when I understood it to be wrong and unacceptable.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
Realizing I was gay scared the shit out of me because every image in my mind that existed in the media or society in the early seventies was a terrible one and it simply was not what I had been told my life would be or part of what I was expected to accomplish. In some ways I have never really accepted being gay if accepting it requires you come out, as I have never come out to anyone in the real world and there are less than ten people on the internet who really know who I am as far as my identity.

It is clearly two different processes and I did not accept was going to be gay forever or that I could not change for years, I simply thought I was doing something wrong and I continued to look for ways but the longer I failed to change the more depressed I became and the more I would use drugs and alcohol to erase the pain for a little while.

So now I realize and accept that I am gay but I have always been worried since I was a kid about losing so much for something that I never asked for and whether that fear is rational or not it is and has been immobilizing to me.

Who are you "out" to (no names of course, just. family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
Nobody in real life.

When do you plan on doing so (if ever)? To whom? And why/why not?
I have no plans to coming out at this time and for the foreseeable future. I have lived a long time like this and really do not know what would be gained. I feel that I would lose a lot of clients and income. Additionally, there are some complications surrounding my old job and if I wanted to reenter that field being out would make it impossible.

To be out I think I would have to move and possibly change professions to be out. I would want to remain self-employed because no one can fire you if you are the boss. Also feel like it is no one else’s business what I do and with whom at least I live with that rationalization.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay/bi guy?
Just putting up with crap that I do not have to put up with today and of course not having my family, friends and others I have known for along time to interact with me. Oh and then losing the life I want to live in and probably most of my income, all of which I realize maybe superficial to others but I do not want to or understand why I should give anything up.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay?
No I do not think so since I am out.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
Absolutely none.

What difference has the use of, or lack of, resources and support made to your life?
For years I hated myself for not being able to change, I hated god for making me the way I am, I hated just the idea of admitting I was gay because that meant my life was over and I refused to accept it, so maybe if there were other people to confirm it was not my fault maybe I would not have driven some cars into things when was I so drunk that I could hardly stand and I probably would not have done so many drugs in an attempt to forget who I was . Maybe if I had someone to talk to and they told me it wasn’t me that was the problem I would have not hated myself too much and abused myself so much for a couple of years there, that is probably the biggest difference I think.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just "grin and bear" everything and hope you'll be okay?
I have never sought help, my parents sent me to a therapist once, it lasted three visits I just was not going to tell her anything.

If you have searched for help, what support have you received to help you deal with feelings, questions, issues, prejudice, violence etc. from friends (incl. On-line), relatives, teachers, co-workers etc?
Last September I discovered gay people on Youtube and then some of these blogs and they are the only people who I have ever talked too about being gay and yes I do find that helpful.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
I have no idea as I have never sought any being closeted but I live near a major US city in a very liberal state so I believe there would be a lot of them.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
No I would not use them as I think you have to be out to feel comfortable belonging or visiting such an organization.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90's?
Growing up as a kid without the internet meant being alone, absolutely fucking all alone. I used to wonder if I was the only person who had these feelings; why can’t I find anyone, even to talk to you about it; why can’t I change like they say; can anyone tell I am gay; did I look at someone to long; and why does everyone hate what I am for something I did I not want, cause and could not change.

But now with the internet and Youtube especially you can see other gay people and you know what, they look like everyone else. You can actually in real time type a message and some other gay person at the other end responds. You can find people who genuinely care about you just because we are all gay and bi or even the lesbians are nice people to talk too, that’s all though. The internet has given people the ability to get in touch, lend support and care for each other when needed.

Anyone who reads AJ Ramblings, Mirrorboy’s blog or Matt’s blog knows exactly how the internet has changed things. For a comparison read or even watch “Prayers for Bobby” (lifetime network Jan. 24, 2009) about a kid who grew up without help and before the internet, it will give some of the younger guys and non US people a glimpse into what it was like to belong to a religious family in the states before the internet.

I personally did not cope well as I lived with drugs and alcohol for several years; it wasn’t until I went to college when I really stopped abusing myself.

If you grew-up in the age of the Internet, other resources that are taken for granted today and the difference in society's attitudes, how much different do you think your life would be now?
If I had had the internet I think I would at least of grown up knowing other “normal and gay” people existed and that single fact would have made a huge difference. I would have known it was ok to be gay and maybe it was a difficult life ahead of me but I would have not been as afraid of facing it every day, if I could have known other people. The career choices I made probably would have been similar but maybe I would have put more efforts into helping other GLBT people out.
I can not speak for others societies but at least American society changes slowly. As the world has now seen things in America change but not without money and peoples efforts. Change in America comes through our courts if it to last permanently and I hope every young person today sees nothing but positive changes and freedoms they want and more importantly deserve.

I recently read in a blog of a young Australian, that the American president is the world’s president well if that is true then I think a day will come in his lifetime that an American president can announce that our supreme court has declared that GLBT people have access to all the freedoms granted each American and that his announcement will go a long way to ensuring every person in every other country has those same rights.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
The only resource I have used is you want to call it that is the internet and then these blogs and youtube.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Yes, quite frankly safer is a nice word but hiding has allowed me to participate in things, earn a good living and not be persecuted.

Do you want to have a family of your own?
At this point no I am too old and used to living alone. When I was younger I was disappointed with the fact I could never be a parent. Gay adoption was not possible where I live until the last ten years and it is not allowed in all the states.

Would you enter into a "fake" straight relationship to father children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
No I could not be in a “fake” relationship; I think it would be too hard to be in a relationship without love and caring. Children are nice but not worth that.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I grew up in a nice town on a quiet tree lined street in a neighbor hood full of professional people who had lots of kids to play with during an era when your mother stayed home all day and Dad went o work. My parents were both were well meaning people if not driven, with Dad a single child and retired Military officer and my mother, who made sure everything, ran smoothly at the home(s). Every summer the last week of June after little league ended we packed up and moved to Cape Cod for the rest of the summer.

I have one brother and had three sisters all college educated. I lived a comfortable and protected life growing up. In my family though you knew you were going to college from early on and you were expected to succeed in sports and well anything you did. We were Catholics and my parents went to church regularly and I went to catholic schools for most of my education. My family owned a sail boat and we all learned to sail. Mom thought learning to play golf and tennis would help us in life so we were trained. We were going to be well rounded and ready for anything in life.

Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
Influence or lack there of maybe better because by the time I was becoming a teenager it was not unusual for me not to see either one of them for weeks or so at a time, especially during the summer months. And by the time I was sixteen and had a license it was easy to avoid them for weeks at a time. Here is what I understood in life, my dad who I wanted to please more was just a bright hard working guy who earned a good living. My mom who I loved dearly, it was from her family where our family money was derived and well she knew that and would never let you forget it. Both influenced me profoundly in different ways but both demanded a certain way of life leading to a successful career.
I do not believe that the environment factors in at all on your being gay.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
I have no gay relatives that I am aware of.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
You are under no pressure to make any announcement about being gay to anyone. You in my opinion are entitled to be raised properly by your parents with as much support and care as they give each of your siblings. Come out when and if you want to and to whom you want too. You are an important person and you have the right to exist in this life.

That you will find no help in doing drugs as I have tried in my life and it does not bring happiness. Alcohol has good uses but if you drink too much or mix it with drugs even prescription drugs you are asking for trouble.

Do not beat yourself up for being gay/bi or whatever as I wasted a lot of my life hating myself and it is a long life we are living so get prepared. Go to school and get good grades, go to a college or university and pick a career or a trade where you can be self-employed as it is legal to layoff gay people in some US states without cause. Take care of yourself, as if no one else will.

Talk to someone about what you feel and it really can be anyone you trust because each and every one of us is a good person who should be able to live and enjoy life. Unfortunately it took me a while to figure that out on my own.

Is there anything else you'd like to add?:
Thanks for letting me participate.

So… based on your life to date as a gay man:

If you could turn back time and live a new life there may be things you’d choose to do differently, or there may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I would choose to be straight, it was what I wanted to be in the first place and being a teenager in the seventies in the states life was just so lonely and draining emotionally as you tried to keep the secret and coming out was not even an option if you wanted accepted by the part of society I grew up in and still wanted to live anything resembling a normal life.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)
I have always been straight acting and a jock so I would not change that as I enjoy playing sports even today. I would not have gone into the navy after high school because I thought it would be a good place to go to get away from having to go to college with my childhood friends, as it just became too much to be around them; and the thought of having to participate in college life at the time and not being able to tell them was too much for me so I wanted out of my life for a while. Let’s say for a minute that my answer to question one was to be gay then I wish I had given a couple of my childhood friends I still know today the opportunity to know I am gay when I was young.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
No I grew up in a nice community with lots of history and opportunities. I was afforded an easy life from a financial perspective where if I did all that was expected of me the end result would be a successful person, plus I had a good proximity to schools, great history, a revolving climate and a diverse life in New England.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
If I am still gay then yes, I would like to be born yesterday to allow for even greater change in society’s attitudes and laws to become more favorable. If not then no I think we all get opportunity to live a life and the when of living it, if you are straight isn’t material to what period of years you live said life because except for the names and styles we are living for the most part our lives and society change little in a span of decades.

What would you choose to change about your parents?
Well my first inclination might have been to have them accept me as I am but that would not have been enough just to be accepted by them; someone would have had to tell my friends it was ok to be my friend; the guys on the football team someone would have had to educate them that I was not interested in like 97 % of them; and someone had to tell the church I went too that I could not change no matter what they said, so just changing my parents attitude towards acceptance would have been enough.

So in practical terms then for my mother not to have smoked cigarettes because then she might be still around complaining about life in Florida and for my father maybe just once you could have turned down a job and spent some more time around the house.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
I was blessed with three sisters and one brother; I had a sister eight years older, a brother who is six years older, a sister who is two years older and a sister who is a year younger than me. For my oldest I would change that she took better care of herself as she died from diabetes early in life, She also gave my first joint, Quaalude, line of coke, hit of micro dot, etc; she went to high school during the era of sex, drugs, and rock and roll and she brought it all home for us to enjoy. She introduced me to the concept of the keg party and drinking games at the age of 11. Not to pick on her alone as my brother kept the party rolling when she went off to college so you see drinking and drugs were prevalent in my family and when your parents travel a lot or aren’t in the house you are in, it is easy to have a party so also I would have been a lot happier if they never brought drugs and alcohol into my early life. The reason being is how long I spent taking some of them; relying on them and of course the results of taking to many and drinking too much.

Other than that I have three surviving siblings and we all get along for the most part and every one works or is supported by their spouse so at this point there is nothing much I would change about them.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
I would get rid of the scar I have in my right eyebrow from a car accident because it reminds me of the car accident every day I look at it and I would like to have 20/20 vision so I do not have to wear glasses. My hair would be less thick because I could never let it grow long it just never looked good long.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I would like to be 25 – 30 pounds lighter, 10 – 12.5 kilos I think and because I would look better.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
Because I have the benefit of age I have gotten rid of a lot of traits which I did not find productive over the years but sometimes I begin to talk about a subject before I had heard the whole story, from a speaker, so I would like to stop that because it irritates people, especially clients.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
I wish I had more tolerance for people and their actions that displease me because I have learned that it is rare my anger helps a situation resolve. I wish I had more patience with people in general and then maybe I would have a better understanding of their positions. I wish I had tried to meet more people in life rather live in a cloud of life for years and maybe I would have achieved more in life.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
I agree with the position that our lives are dictated by the choices we make in life. With the premise being; that being gay and society’s negative reaction to being gay is out of our control; then yes I have lived a life dictated by my choices, but those choices were limited as I saw them by being gay. I did have the ability to choose other paths in life but those paths I felt would have led to less productive and fulfilling life then the one I am now living. Because I have always had trouble accepting being gay, a choice of mine, I have never been happy through a lot of my life and at times was very destructive to my own self mostly because of what I believe I am missed out on in life and I believe being gay wasn’t fair to me, so those were all choices I made but I made them without any information other than what I hard around me, without others to talk too and with my own safety and needs in perspective.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
Choices I see are more global in definition so for each that exist choice exists then it complicates the decision process you have weave to reach a decision. An example of this a person who has multiple modes of transportation if he has five modes then he has five choices to make a decision from but if only has three modes then he has to make a decision from fewer choices, so he decision process is reduced and his ability to decide which choice to make is limited. But a choice is clearly something a decision is based upon an analogous to each other.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in the questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
If I was straight I would have hope to have a family which would give me someone to grow old with, I would probably make more money and have more debt because I would have cared more about making money to support a family. I would not have worried about some one or something outing me in life and that would have created a more relaxed life. I would not have been so mad and upset with myself for not being able to change from being gay to straight as I was led to believe was possible also preventing years of self medication and abuse. I would probably live in the same area and have many of the same friends because I like where I grew up and the friends I grew up with.

Comments, Comments and more Comments!

2009-02-10T23:15:00.008Z

Hi guys,

Now it's not like me to moan and grumble (is it?), but I really feel that I must tonight!

I have to say that I'm disappointed with the lack of comments on Jake's interview. I say this not because I want the comments, but because Jake has taken the time to share his thoughts, feelings and beliefs on some rather personal things and I believe that at least warrants some kind of thanks/comment.

I would have thought that the other interviewees would at least comment, seeing as how their feelings etc are going to be splashed all over these pages soon.

Here's an excerpt from an email I had from torchy! today:

"dunno what's going on in blogworld, i can't believe that i'm the only commenter on your interview, which i thought was fascinating. must be very disheartening for both you and jake."

So, please make an effort to leave a comment... if you feel it's more appropriate to leave it on Jake's blog then please do so! I really don't mind, after all... Jake did all the work.

Sorry for grumbling!

Take care,
Col

p.s the next interview will be published on Thursday.

An Interview With... Jake - The Soul Borrower.

2009-02-09T13:30:00.001Z

Jake is the author of The Soul Borrower blog and although he's a student he also works in the catering trade, at a hotel. He speaks German and some French, and I'm sure I read that he is planning on studying Dutch next.

Jake is also looking for volunteers (preferably from Canada and Europe) to answer some questions on Healthcare in your country. Please help him if you can, and you don't have to be a blogger either. If you haven't checked out his Blog yet, please click on the link above... after you've read this post of course ;)

Please note that this was an email questionaire, therefore it was impractical to go into extra detail. Nevertheless, I'm sure you'll find it's content interesting.

Introduction...

Age: 19
Occupation/Student: Student
Country and State/County:Nebraska, USA
Gay/Bisexual/Confused:Gay

Hobbies/Interests/Pastimes: Computers, Reading, martial arts, photography, music, movies

Likes/Dislikes… anything from food to music and film, or celebs you fancy:
I like a lot of different kinds of foods and I like trying different things. My favourite food would have to be the Turkish Doener Kebap. My least favorite is definitley sushi, or anything fishy :) I like all kinds of music except rap/hip hop. My favourite would have to be international music (broad i know). I like all kinds of films, except Chick Flicks. There's a bold line between Chick Flicks and Dramas though, which I like.

Loves/Hates… anything again from people to pets, politics to religion, whatever:
I am an atheist. I don't like religion fanatics who can't accept that. I think that people have the right to believe in whatever they like, but that they shouldn't prosecute others for their beliefs. I like talking politics. But again, I can't stand people who won't let people believe in what they want. I like to hear different points of view.

Dreams/Aspirations/Goals:
I want to live in Europe again. I lived in Germany for 6 months and would go back in a heartbeat. I would love to find a job where I can relax, travel, and really not do much. I guess what I really want is to win the lottery because I don't think any job has what i'm looking for.

The questions…

Why have you agreed to participate in these interviews?
I don't mind revealing my secrets. You will be the first for many of them.

What are your thoughts/beliefs about being gay is predetermined or a conscious choice?
I think it could be a combination of both. I think it has more to do with the way you are raised, and/or the way your life has been played. I think that this question is impossible to answer for sure, simply because we will never have the chance to go back and do it all over again.

When did you realise that you were gay?
I'm not sure. I've always known that I like boys a lot better. As long as I can remember (Age 7 or 8 maybe) I've always marvelled at other boys rather than girls. I had my first sexual experiences when I was about nine and through the age of 10. This one kid in my class and I fooled around a lot, but never to any real extreme. Shame :( Strange thing in relation to the question above: He claims very strongly to be straight. I wish I could muster up the courage to ask him about it. I suppose I've known since then that I was gay.

Realising it and accepting it are very different. What are your thoughts/feelings on that distinction, and have you accepted it?
They are very different indeed. I don't know that I've accepted it entirely. I feel very strongly about boys/men (the distinction between men/boys would have to be 16 to 20, as that is my 'preference') and have absolutely no attraction to females. I have many of them as good friends, but never as a girlfriend. I do hate it though that I never have the courage to talk to any gay people or even date any gay person.

Who are you “out” to (no names of course, just… family, friends, work/school colleagues, everybody, nobody etc.)?
I'm fairly certain that most of my family knows. My collection of photos and pics has been discovered on more than one occasion ...grrr. None of my friends know. I only have 1 really close friend and it scares me to think what he would say or do if I told him. He occasionally makes gay slurs and I don't think our relationship would ever be the same if I came out to him. There are only a couple of my former school mates who know. They are the ones I worked with during a summer job. I must have been flaming or something, because half way through the summer one of them asked me if I was gay. He put me right on the spot and asked me right in front of 10 other guys. God that sucked. I've been asked a few times in my life if I was gay, and each time I can't say "No I'm not". I just can't lie to myself like that.

How difficult was that for you?
Saying yes is very simple. But in the situation above, it took about 5 very long seconds that seemed to last a lifetime. But I said yes. It was very difficult, but after saying it....major relief. Relief that I've never felt before. I also told a teacher, one that I've been friends with for 10+ years. That was actually easier. But again, major relief.

What reactions did you receive?
The guys that I was working with didn't really care. There was one that was freaked out, probably because he thought I was going to bend him over the the tailgate of the truck we were in :) That day the tension was very thick, but after that, no one really cared, or mentioned it again. It was surprisingly easy.

Overall, would you say it was a positive or negative experience, and are you now glad it‘s happened?
I'd say positive. It was really the first giant leap. And it was really nice not to lie about being gay for once.

What fears/worries do you have about living as a gay guy?
I don't know. I always thought that I wanted to have a family. I've always wanted to have a white picket fence house, 2 or 3 kids, a loving spouse to come home to. The American Dream so to say. But not in America. I would want to raise kids in a different country, watch them grow, take them to school everyday, go to their school events, watch them go to college, and get married. The thing is, I don't like kids under 6 or so. This is the biggest dilemma. I would love to adopt, but a feeling deep down inside tells me that it isn't my child. If i could have my own child(ren) and name them and raise them myself and skip the first 7 years or so, I Would. What I really want is a spouse that likes to do the same things I do, but isn't a sex crazed maniac.

Would you enter into a “fake” straight relationship to father your own children, or would you consider other options like adoption and surrogacy?
I would never enter into a fake straight relationship, but adoption and surrogacy are definitley options I would consider. Moreso adoption than surrogacy.

When growing up, were both mum and dad on the scene?
I lived with both my parents growing up. My mom and dad had both been married once before, and my sister is actually my half sister. My dad adopted her when he married my mom.

Who do you think had the bigger influence on you - your mum or your dad?
Neither, they were both influential – if you could call it that. Since I started working at age 11 I can stay my co-workers and ‘older friends’ were much more influential.

Are any of your near relatives gay/bi?
Not that I know of.

How have you faced and/or overcome prejudice toward you (from anybody) for being gay/bi?
I really haven't experienced any prejudice myself, yet.

What resources and other means of support have been available to you whilst growing-up?
The first site I ever stumbled upon was this one: http://www.angelfire.com/blues/dnfire/dnindex.htm . Its an autobiography of a formerly gay/bi boy/man. He tells his story growing up and I really learned a lot from it. I've read through all of his 'memories' and wish day in and day out that I would have had experiences like that. Another site I always loved was JackinWorld. When MSN Chat was still around, there were a lot of preteen and teen gay chat rooms (it's been probably 7 years or so since MSN stopped their Chat Rooms). I always found ways to find a lot of other people and 'info' so to say.

Have you ever searched for help or do you just “grin and bear” everything and hope you’ll be okay?
I've always hoped that something good would happen to me. That I would meet some young hunk in the locker room and have steaming hot sex in the sauna, but all I've done is hope. I really haven't seized or looked for any opportunity, and I regret that the most. I've still got a lot of life in front of me, but I feel as if many opportunities have been lost.

Do you feel there are enough organisations (like drop-in centres that you could visit) in your locality to help the GLBT community?
No there really aren't any local organizations. When I was in High School we had a Gay-Straigh-Alliance club, but it was really a false hope for most. I hate school organizations, mainly because it takes dedication to people that I don't even know, and can't relate to.

Would you use them if there was, or would you be too embarrassed, ashamed or paranoid (in case somebody you knew saw you enter one) to visit them anyway?
I would probably be too embarassed. I don't think this is a fair question as I've never had the opportunity.

How do you think the Internet has helped gay/bi people since it really became mainstream in the 90’s?
I think that the Internet is every gay persons saving grace but at the same time, their doom. With the internet, you are able to learn about gay people, and get support, but I think for too many people, and for myself it has become a safe haven where I will never be able to get out actually meet someone.

Try to imagine what it was like to be gay/bi (say 30+ years, and more, ago) and have no resources or support structure at all. Even if you lived in a major city, access to any resources were few and far between. Being gay/bi was taboo and to admit to being it was generally an invitation to ridicule and abuse, you literally took your life in your hands if you were open about your sexuality. I fear it was worse in the USA.

How do you think you would have coped with growing up in those times?
I think it would have been better honestly. I wouldn't be a porn addict, or as reliable on the internet as I am now. I wish that I could use it less and less, but I find it hard. Sure, it would have sucked to be secluded with nowhere to go, but I think that technology is too far advanced, and it has lead to a very materialistic society.

What do you think is the best resource, and why?
Chat Rooms: meeting people who are in the same position as you are. But also websites like Mogenic.com and gayhelp.de are also very good resources.

Do you feel safer hiding behind anonymity?
Absolutely. But anonymity can only bring you so far. I like to meet new people and I don't especially like it when people lie to me about themselves: therefore I try not to myself.

Drawing on your own experiences, what advice would you give to other gay/bi guys, especially the younger generation who may still be afraid to seek/ask for help?
Carpe diem. You only live once. Live your preteen and teen years to the fullest, simply because you are only a child once. I found out that after High school, you basically can start a new life. Don't be afraid to fuck up. Take chances. I wish i did.

Is there anything else you’d like to add?
I think another cool question for all the interviewees would be If you could go back in time and do it all over again, would you? Perhaps a question for the next part.

Lol. And as if by magic...

Based on your life to date as a gay teenager, and If you could turn back time and live a new life, there may be things you’d choose to do differently. There may be things you’d change… things that are/were beyond your control. The following questions are purely fantasy, but it will be interesting to compare these answers to those of the previous "reality" questions.

Would you choose to be gay, bi or straight?
I don't think this is a very plausible question. Right now, since I am attracted to males, there is no way in hell that I would want to be straight. I don't find females in the least sexually attracting. However if I were 'normal' than I would obviously favor the female form. If I had had a choice, than I would still choose to be gay, simply because the idea of having any relations with a female, sexual or not, completely freak me out.

What other choices would you make about things like if or when you‘d “come out” and who to? Would you choose to be ”straight acting” or “camp“ ? (write about as many choices as you want)?
I would have chosen to come out much sooner. I am still not out to a majority of people, but after I outed myself, the relief was so amazing.

Would you choose to live in a different place?
I don't know. Growing up, I always hated living in this town, and to some extent I still do. I would have loved to live somewhere a little more liberal with a lot more opportunities. Growing up, my parents were typical Nebraskans. They gave us quite a lot of things but didn't really show us new things. I played soccer as a kid and martial arts (which I am still somewhat involved with) but I wish I had done something a little less traditional: Gymnastics, swimming, or maybe even ballet. I just wish my childhood hadn't been so typical as that of the many other kids in my class. Now i just think it's too late to really start anything new.

Would you choose to live in a different time?
No, I think that I lived my life thus far in a perfect time period, convieniently wedged between knowing all the new AND old technology, yet a time period that is accepting enough not to lynch Gays as a saturday evening activity. I think of the kids just a few classes below me and think that they don't even know what it's like to live, go to school, and go to work without a cell phone. Yet, I can't imagine living without the computer in the 50s where people did things like fishing, playing, and family activities to pass the time. *Shivers*

What would you choose to change about your parents?
I would want my parents to be more involved in my life. Right now, they both work, come home, plop down in front of the tv and do absolutely nothing. This may sound contradicting to the previous question, but I wish we did things like family game nights, or went to movies together. I wish my parents were cool enough that I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with them. I wish we would have had an activity that we could have done together.

My parents are very lazy and like their routine. Sadly I, nor my brother or sister were much involved in this daily routine. I think this is mainly due to the fact that my parents are obese. They are each about 150 lbs over weight. This is the main reason why I don’t like to be seen with my parents. They have to be specially accommodated in many places and situation. I just try to avoid them now as much as I can. I wish it would have been different.

What would you choose to change about your siblings?
I wish that I weren’t a twin. My entire life I was always been known by my last name and the word twins. The ***** Twins. Not until I was about 15 or 16 was I really known as an individual person, and still there are many people that still refer to us as such. Now that my brother has moved out, we are closer than we were before, but I would have been happier if he didn’t even exist, or one of us was significantly older. Selfish, I know. But that’s the way I feel.
It’s the same way with my sister. We get along tons better now that she has her own house and family.

What would you choose to change about your looks (from the neck up)?
My hair. I’ve always had terrible hair. For the longest time I had really long hair, that until I looked at photos, thought was always really cool. I liked how it felt. I still like long hair, just not nearly as long as it was. I hate looking at people who have awesome hair and think: damn you.

What would you change about the rest of your body?
I wish I weighed a whole lot less. Up until I was about 12 I was as skinny as a rail. After that I shot up to being 250lbs and have been steady ever since. I’ve tried to lose the weight, but will-power is lacking. I never thought that I looked attractive, face or body, but then again I’ve never been at a proper weight.

What personality traits would you choose to lose?
I like my personality pretty much as it is, but I would like to be less cautious.

What personality traits would you choose to have?
Nothing really in addition to, I'll probably think of something after this is posted.

With the exception of things beyond our power to influence or control, we live our lives by the choices we make. Do you agree with this statement?
Absolutely. I think that each and every choice we make effects our lives in drastic ways. I am also a strong believer of the butterfly effect. (Google it. Go ahead, do it.) Many choices that I made as a kid got me to where I am today. I started working at the age of 11. Some days I wish that I hadn’t started working at such a young age. But doing so has given me a very strong work ethic, and I don’t think I would ever change anything about my working career. If it were possible to see what it would have been like it I hadn’t had a job for so long I would, but I wouldn’t necessarily take it.

Do you think that choices and decisions are the same thing?
You can’t have one without the other. I just wish that I had had more choices to decide upon.

Finally, if it had been possible to make all the choices and changes in questions above, please state what you think your life would be like at this moment in time:
I like to think that life would have been better. But then again, it may be that I would just want to change something else. I don’t think there is such a thing as perfect. I might have been happier, I may not have.

I don’t believe in Heaven, so I don’t think that I’ll ever find out. If there was a chance to do it all over again I definitely would.

Interview Update, A Funny & An Optical Illusion...

2009-02-04T20:13:00.000Z

Hi guys,

Just to let you know that the series of interviews I've been planning to post is almost(ish) ready. I now have five completed and waiting on a further six or seven. I would like to start posting them next week... two per week (one each by a younger and older contributor). That means I have enough for two and a half weeks at the moment, so please guys; get those outstanding answers to me as soon as you possibly can.

Thank you to everybody who is participating in my little project, I appreciate it very much. Also, thanks to torchy! and Musicbuff for their input.

I'd also just like to say "Welcome!" to my new followers (both bloggers btw): Josh and Jason. Check out their blogs please guys.

Well that's about it for the moment, but there's a funny thingy and a clever optical illusion below for you to peruse.

Council and housing association complaints:

The following are real extracts from actual complaint letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK. What a literate bunch we Brits truly are!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage, and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up, and its now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can’t get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it,

… and he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

And now for something completely different...

Back soon!

Take care,
Col

Oops! I forgot to mention...

2009-01-26T17:44:00.002Z

Doh!! I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on...

.... so you may have noticed some new Blogs in my lists over there on the right hand side, please go check them out... some are still in their infancy (like mine is really that old lol), and some have been around for a while.

The newest ones are 17 year old U.S. guy aahsazyl's Blog: The Awakening. He shares some of the secrets from his past, among other things, and there's also some very funny stuff too. Oh, and make sure you read the comments lol.

Then we have 15 year old bisexual Kiwi, Ryan, and his Blog: behind my closed door. He's another cool guy.

And then there's 18 year old Tee who lives in the Netherlands. Formerly of the Equal Eight Blog, I'm expecting great things from him. No pressure Tee! Lol. Here is his address: Tranquil Time.

Of course, all the blogs on my lists are well worth visiting... I love them all, otherwise I wouldn't list them... naturally!

I have to leave you on a sad note...

Two great Bloggers, Razz and Zee, have decided to close their blogs. They may, or may not return, in the future but I would like to wish them both the very best of luck... I'll miss them, as I'm sure you will... GOODBYE GUYS!!

Oh, and I posted earlier too so take a look below...

Later,
Col

Umm... just take a look if you want!

2009-01-26T12:01:00.019Z

Hi guys,

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much lately, but I've been really busy with loads of stuff...

The "Interview" project, the big "plan", volunteering, blog reading lol, and other stuff.

My best buddy, Marmite, is coming to stay from Thursday through Sunday too, so I doubt very much that I'll pick up my emails or be on-line then :(

On the other hand, he will be "treating" me to a few visits to our local gay-friendly drinking establishment... so it's not all bad ;) I just have to feed him while he's here lol.

I've had a brilliant January, the best start to a new year ever I think. What with all the stuff above and meeting some new on-line friends it's been great! My start to February's looking good too. I'm going on a team-building day with the volunteer group on the 4th...

A tour of the National Theatre in London, then lunch on the South Bank, then a Riverboat Cruise along the Thames... and it's all FREE!! Yay!! I'm going to borrow a digital camera and attempt to take some decent photos. If I manage to overcome my technical know-how deficit I'll post some lol.

In the meantime, here's a selection of photos that I hope will either excite you, amuse you, flabbergast you... or maybe just cheer you up! Lol.

Thanks to everybody involved in the "Interview" project, and to all my other readers, linkers and followers for your loyalty.

Take care everybody!

Col

Just some cuties because... why the hell not?

Just a little bit of humour....

And some more 3D Chalk Art...

And thanks to Musicbuff for sending me these great badges...

Amazing Chalk Art & Some Things I Don't Get!

2009-01-21T15:20:00.008Z

Hi Guys,

I was reading Peter's Blog this morning and it was a bit weird because he'd changed the background colour because of the video or something, I can't remember the exact reason. Anyway, some of the text looked like it was jumping off the page, especially the red text, and it reminded me of these 3D Chalk Art pictures I have. I've posted some below and I think they're amazing but make up your own mind.

Just some things I don't get:

Train Spotting (no I don't mean the movie lol) and Yodelling!! I mean wtf is that all about?

Take care,
Col

Posted From A&E

2009-01-18T13:00:00.003Z

I bought one of those eco-friendly solid deodorants yesterday, and after showering this morning I did what it said... "Remove top and push up bottom"

Well I was only following the instructions ffs!! I still can't figure out why I had to remove my top though, but... Oh crap! Gotta go... my name's just been called out by a big fat momma with hands like fucking spades... she's not going near my arse with those hands!!

HELP!!!!! I WANT MY MUMMY!!!

Okay, so a friend sent me that in a text message... just thought I'd share it with you. Lol.
Do you really think I'd do something like that??? Actually, that reminds me of the time when... ;)

Later,
Col

A little bit o' this and a little bit o' that...

2009-01-16T15:35:00.001Z

Hi Guys,

Thanks for your responses to my interview request. So far I have five gay guys and only one bisexual guy. They are from the UK (one of whom now lives in New Zealand), the US and Australia. I'm still looking for people in the following age ranges: Twenties, Thirties, Fifties and Sixty+ if anybody else feels brave enough to volunteer. Of course, you can still volunteer if you're not in the above age ranges because your thoughts, feelings and experiences are undoubtedly different to anybody else anyway.

So, in other news... I had my volunteering induction on Monday afternoon and I actually started "properly" today. I was well excited lol (pretty sad eh?), it was nice just to dress up again and have a reason to leave the confines of these four walls.

It took so long to receive my references that Christmas was upon us by then and I had to wait until the new year to get started.

Still no luck with finding a real job at the moment, but I'm always hopeful and I'm staying positive about it.

Now, I'm not what you might call a spontaneous person (unless I've had a few drinks or I'm on holiday lol), and I generally don't make rash decisions, but last year I was watching TV one evening and I suddenly just thought to myself "fuck it!, I'm sick of this shit" and I chose there and then to make a huge change in my life. A choice that will leave me with absolutely nothing at all if my plans turn to shit. The first part of my plan has already been implemented and I'll post some more about it soon.

I haven't posted any random facts for ages, so here's a few unhealthy ones...

I developed Asthma when I was 8 years old.

I stopped suffering with Asthma when I was 13 years old.

I've smoked since I was 12 years old.

I had a severe allergic reaction (never found out what to) when I was 13 and my entire body (yes, even there) was covered in tiny scabs (mmm... scabs). The worst thing was that my mum insisted on me dropping my underwear to all and sundry so her friends and the neighbours could see it. Hellooooo... the scabs on my face, arms, stomach etc. were the same as the ones on my cock and balls. Was there really any need for me to show my genitalia?? NO!
It was so fucking embarrassing, I'm just glad I didn't fancy any of the guys that took a look... that may have been even more embarrassing (wink wink) lol!

That's it really, apart from having some really bad panic/anxiety attacks which I thought were heart attacks because they were so intense and frightening. (This one's more like a fucking story than a fact... feel free to skip it lol!)
Seriously, I could be watching TV, reading or in bed and it would just happen. My heart rate would go crazy, I couldn't breathe, one of my arms would go numb etc.

Now, I'm am so not a drama queen but the first few times it happened I kept thinking "omg, I'm gonna die and nobody 'll know. I'll just rot here!"

It really bought home to me how lonely I am and how empty my life is without someone to share it with.

I eventually went to see a doctor who sent me for a zillion different tests. I was covered by BUPA at the time through my work so I thought "oooh, let's go private... may as well take advantage of it lol", but they took so long because they kept re-scheduling my appointments that I chose to go with the NHS instead. I have to say that they were fantastic, and so quick too.

So, on top of all that stress the results of my chest x-ray showed a shadow on my lung. I was remarkably calm about it, because basically I've always believed that I'm going to die from cancer before I reach sixty anyway... it runs in the family!

Anyway, I had a second x-ray and the shadow had moved. After seeking a second opinion on both x-rays, the specialist concluded that the shadow was actually a piece of fat that was travelling through my diaphragm or something. Wtf? Never heard of that one before. Lol.

Since leaving my job I've not had one attack *crosses fingers and touches wood* (oops! maybe I should re-phrase that).

Take care y'all,

Col
p.s. Do you prefer my new or old profile picture?

Help Wanted: Apply Within!

2009-01-13T19:48:00.005Z

Hi guys,

I've been really busy lately and haven't had much time for posting. By the time I've finished doing stuff and then catching up (and commenting) on the ever-increasing number of blogs that I follow, I just can't be bothered to post anything myself! Plus, your blogs are a lot more interesting and entertaining anyway lol.

I really should use the 'draft' option more and just add a little at a time when I can, but... hey ho!

So anyway, I know I have to post the Sex Buddy Chronicles and there are some others in the 'Coming Soon' section of the side-bar that I would like to post, but, should I continue with the 'Poor White Trash', 'Spare the rod...' and 'Sibling Rivalry' posts? Have you heard enough on those?

Speaking of coming soon (If I Could Turn Back Time & Choices); my idea is to "interview" on MSN, or it could be done via email too, a number of fellow bloggers about their lives to date as gay or bi-sexual boys/men.

Ideally, I would like at least one volunteer (yeah, like that's going to happen lol) from each age range (teens to sixty+) so I/we can see the differences between the generations with regard to peoples attitudes towards us, the support that was available to us, how we openly or secretly lived our lives etc.

Questions may include, and these are only possible examples, things about:

Do you believe being gay/bi is predetermined or that we have a choice?
Facing and/or overcoming prejudice from family/friends etc.
Your fears/worries about living as a gay/bi guy.
Do you want a family of your own? How/Why?
What support you've received, and where from (if anything was even available).
Your coming out experience, why you haven't come out, why you can't or won't come out.
Your advice to others in the same situation.

Etc, etc.
There will be quite a lot about the choices we make (although I doubt some will see them as choices, but more like reasons).

I would also like to find out, purely as a fantasy thing and nothing to do with an after-life etc;
If you really could turn back time and choose your life, what choices would you make?

Would you be gay/bi/straight?
Would you change your looks, your body, your parents, your siblings, your career, and of course... why would you choose to change those things?

I haven't actually made a list of 'real' questions yet because I don't want to waste my time if nobody is interested, so... If you are interested in being an interviewee, please send me an email. You will not be committed to the project just by showing an interest, but at least I'll know whether the project will be worth pursuing. I will not share your names either, until your interview is published of course. Oh, and don't worry, I will not be asking you anything sexual, or about what you look like, or anything pervy at all lol.

Once the questions have been put together (and If any readers have "proper and decent" questions they would like to see included, just email me), you would have at least two weeks to ponder your thoughts/answers etc. before the interview.

I really hope to hear from bloggers included in both my blog lists, but any gay/bi bloggers are welcome. C'mon, what have you got to lose? You may even help others in the process!

I look forward to a high volume of emails in the next couple of days... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Take care everyone,

Col

"Sex Buddy" Poll Results & My Thanks To...

2009-01-07T23:59:00.001Z

Hi Guys,

So, here are the results first:

"Age Range" Poll received 75 votes.

Teens - 32 - (42%)
Twenties - 15 - (20%)
Thirties - 8 - (10%)
Forties - 11 - (14%)
Fifties - 4 - (5%)
Sixty+ - 5 - (6%)

"Sex Buddy" Poll received 48 votes.

Stop them - 1 - (2%)
Continue with graphic details - 26 - (54%)
Continue without graphic details - 1 - (2%)
Continue in my own sweet way - 20 - (41%)

There's a huge difference between the total votes received on each of the polls, and I think maybe it's because most of the "Teen" votes are not regular readers, but people just checking out the blog from links on other blogs. I also think, from looking at my "came from" stats that the main blog from which these people came was the wonderful Kyles Hot Spot!

It looks like the "Sex With My Buddies" posts are going to continue with graphic details, but not that graphic lol, so I'll publish the next one very soon.

Now before I go I want to thank a couple of great guys, who are also fellow bloggers:

Thanks to KyleT from the afore mentioned Kyles Hot Spot! blog for all the traffic his site has generated for me. He's a really sweet, funny and down to earth guy who talks about his life and love for Yaoi, because it always tells a story and it's not just about drawings/cartoons of sex!
If you haven't already visited him... please do so now!

Thanks also to Jake Anonymous from My Life On A Wall blog for helping me solve my publishing problem. He talked me through some options today and one of them seemed to work. I hope it wasn't just a fluke, but I'll find out soon enough lol.
I've been following his blog for some time and I love it. He's really witty and sarcastic (and I love sarcasm), and half of the time I don't know if he's being serious or joking.
Anyway, if you don't already visit his blog... why not? Please have a look now!

Finally, I'd like to say "Hello" to torchy! His blog is relatively new, very funny and very well written. Get reading now before you have too much to catch up on lol.

Oh, and one last thing. Let's all show our support for Seth, it sounds like he's going through a really bad time just now. I know a number of fellow bloggers are too, but I'm sure Seth has been there for you in the past.

Well that's all from me tonight (thank f**k I here you scream), so until next time...

...Take care,

Col

testing, testing... 123

2009-01-07T13:35:00.001Z

Nothing to read here, just a test.

Technically speaking... HELP!!

2009-01-06T18:50:00.009Z

EDIT: Ok, so this post has taken four hours to appear on "Blog Lists"... not bad compared to some. Lol.

It's still pissing me off though!!

Hi guys,

Can anybody help me solve a problem I'm having with the blog?

Although my posts appear on my blog immediately upon publishing, they do not appear on other bloggers "Blog Lists" for anything up to ten hours.

I've noticed other bloggers have reported the problem on Blogger Help, but as yet nobody has replied to them, go figure!

So, if anybody has any suggestions I'd appreciate it greatly.

Thanks guys!

Take care,
Col

Did You Know...

2009-01-04T15:53:00.003Z

...that we "gays" sexually abuse ourselves?

Not only that, but we are self-hating and self-destructive too! This is according to fellow blogger 'The Chaeronean'.

Here is an excerpt from his recent post:

I read a post by "Col" from Essex about being sexually abused.
In many ways all homosexual men are in a similar position to him, hiding from themselves and their sexuality because they cannot face up to what has happened to them.

And who has sexually abused them?

Answer: They have sexually abused themselves.

Apparently, this guy knows more about how I feel than I do... simply amazing!!

I'm neither hiding from myself, or my sexuality. Also, I faced up to what happened to me a long, long time ago. I published the experience, along with some advice, in the hope of helping somebody else, anybody else, that may have undergone a similar experience of "self-abuse"... as he calls it!

As for self-hating, self-loathing and self-destructive, well...It's just a load of BOLLOCKS!

Please read the post here and let me know what you think of the conclusion he has reached.

Take care,

Col

Happy New Year!

2008-12-30T23:55:00.000Z

Whatever you'll be doing, whether you're staying home with a cup of hot chocolate and a Rich Tea finger, having a quiet drink with friends or family, or going wild at a party...

...HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!

I hope 2009 brings you all you ever wanted, and more besides.

Thanks to all of you for reading and contributing to my blog.

You are wonderful people, each and every one of you.

*Love & Hugs*

Col

Sexually Abused! (Part Two)

2008-12-29T23:44:00.000Z

So, after Peter and I showered that evening we joined the volunteers in the dining tent and listened to a guy play the guitar. If we knew the words to the songs we'd join in. It was great fun. Lol.

Bedtime soon came.
Dom, Peter and I were sharing a tent and Dom laid his sleeping bag out in the middle, so we had to sleep either side of him.
It was horrible getting undressed and into our pyjamas in front of Dom, and he wasn't exactly shy about getting undressed in front of us!

Anyway, I can't remember what time it was when I awoke, but I know it was early morning...around 6.00am(ish) because it was quite light.
So, I was laying on my left side (my favourite position) in my sleeping bag, having a wonderful sexy dream. I was being wanked off and it was fantastic, so realistic. It was slow and tender, not rushed.
The next thing I remember was hearing "Are you awake Col?" I thought I was still dreaming so I didn't answer. Lol.
Then I heard, right up close to my ear "Oh yes, he's awake!" and I fucking jumped out of my skin. It was Dom. He was on his side, his face so close to mine, and his right arm was still inside my sleeping bag...still wanking me off!!

It was obviously Peter who had asked if I was awake, having seen what Dom was doing.
I was confused and shocked, I didn't know what to say or do...shout at him? Cry? Turn over and pretend to be asleep? I didn't know!

It must have only been seconds later that I just pulled Dom's hand away and said something like "Yeah, I'm awake now!"
I got out of my bag, grabbed my clothes and trainers, said I was going to take a shower and left the tent, without looking at either of them. I was headed towards the showers when Peter ran up behind me, with his clothes in his hands, and asked me if I was alright. I knew I had tears in my eyes when I said I was okay but I managed to hold back the full flow.

He didn't say anything else and I was grateful for that. I didn't say anything to him either, we never spoke about it again, but I often wondered why was he awake so early? Had Dom "played" with him too?

Anyway, we headed to the showers and luckily Peter had thought to grab his toiletries bag and a towel. I hadn't, I'd just wanted to get out of the tent as quick as possible. Lol.
It was bloody cold that early in the morning, and it didn't help trying to dry myself on Peter's wet towel either, but I felt better already. I just used my finger and his toothpaste to clean my teeth because I didn't want to go back to the tent.

When I eventually plucked up the courage to face Dom again I said I wanted to sleep in the same tent as my brother Tom for the rest of the week. He would be arriving later that day. He didn't try to change my mind, maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he was afraid I would tell somebody about what he'd done? Again, I don't know!
Tom knew that something was wrong with me shortly after arriving, but I just told him I'd had a headache all day because I was tired.

I enjoyed the rest of the holiday very much, and made some good friends for a short time anyway.

When I returned home I did cry about it in private. I couldn't tell my parents, especially my dad. I thought, and felt, that people would think it was all my fault, that I couldn't have really been asleep and so I knew what was happening. That in turn made me feel guilty...maybe I did really know, but I was enjoying it and didn't want to admit it to myself! That made me feel really disgusted with myself. Maybe I gave Dom some signals which he just reacted to, so I deserved it?

I rarely even think about it now unless either of two things triggers the memory:

1...I hear the song "I Feel Love" by Donna Summer. I heard that song so much whilst on that holiday.

2...When people talk about Elvis dying. He died about a week after I got back home.

I would say this to anybody who has been abused, whether it's sexually, physically or mentally...

...talk to somebody, anybody, but do it! Don't feel guilty, you are the victim and the abuser deserves to be, and should be punished. There are freephone helplines and the Samaritans, if you want to remain anonymous...but speak out regardless, do not suffer in silence. You are not alone.

My "cyber" door is always open to anybody who wants to talk or email, and I know the same can be said for many of my fellow bloggers.

I've decided not to post any humour today. I don't think it would be appropriate, sorry!

Take care everyone!

Col

Sexually Abused! (Part One)

2008-12-28T18:45:00.006Z

Hi guys,

Thanks to everybody who has been reading, commenting on, and following my blog. I'm really quite amazed at the response to the poll too, in terms of the amount of voters. I thought I'd be lucky to get ten in the fortnight. I was also amazed at the age range; I know that not all teenagers are crazy about sex, but will they read the more serious posts? I'll just have to wait and see I guess. Lol.

There are only nine days left on the polls, so please:

VOTE! vote! VOTE! vote! VOTE! vote! VOTE! vote! VOTE!

So on to today's topic...I have never, ever told this to anybody. The only people who know (unless they told others) are me, Peter, and the Dirty Old Man (Dom), and he's probably dead now anyway. I'll give you some background information so you know how I knew 'Dom', but I'll be as brief as I can (hehe, me and brief just doesn't work).

In 1977, when Peter and I were just thirteen years old, we decided to enter a talent competition at our local youth centre. If we won we would go to the next stage and compete at the local Theatre. Well, we won (yippee!). Then we won the next competition and was invited to do three acts in The Town Show. This was an annual event where the acts were mostly Cub Scouts, though I'd never heard of it, and one of the organisers was 'Dom'.

To cut a long story short; after the show he asked us if we would mind performing our acts in some old age pensioners homes, you know like community homes. Our parents agreed to this and so we saw quite a lot of him in the following months. My brother Tom would have to tag along too sometimes, my dad insisted, but after a while I didn't really mind.

Now 'Dom' was at least sixty-five, probably more by my reckoning, and had to walk with the aid of a stick because of an old war wound...seriously! But, his youngest child, a son, was only about seventeen. He gave me the creeps more than 'Dom' did, he looked evil with his thick, black, greasy hair and the beginnings of a moustache. The way he looked at me really scared me. Facially, he reminded me a bit of Hitler...but his eyes were just...EVIL!!!

It wasn't long before 'Dom' started to show some "affection". He would cuddle us, or try to anyway, it was gross. Then he started "play fighting" with us, but he couldn't really move around because of his leg, so he would just grab hold of you around the waist or chest instead. While he had you in his grasp his free hand would keep clenching on your leg, above the knee, and end up at your upper thigh. His grip on you was strong but his balance was another matter, so he never had a hold of you for long...thank fuck!

'Dom' also volunteered (well I doubt he was paid, but?) for an organisation that helped under-privileged children by arranging camping holidays for them. As Peter was from a one-parent family, and my family was piss-poor, he asked our parents if they wanted to apply for us (Tom included).

They were successful and the next thing I know we were off to Danbury. The only people to go on the first day and night would be the volunteers, Peter and I. This was because (allegedly) he wanted us to help out with cooking and organising the others when they arrived, so he needed to fill us in on H&S etc. Tom would be picked up and arrive with all the others the next afternoon.

I can't remember how many volunteers there were, but they were male and female and mixed ages. I do remember one of them (Steve) was really fucking sexy. He was 18-19, blonde crew-cut hair, muscular and very cute. Everybody, and I mean everybody, wanted to be in his tent!

Steve's cousin was there too. He was around 15-16, slim (but not skinny), blonde hair again but quite long and straight, blue eyes and a really gorgeous smile.

Now what did I say near the beginning about "me and brief just doesn't work"?

I know I shouldn't keep apologising about my post length (about 6.25" if you really want to know, hehe), but I just don't seem to be able to get to the point, quickly. Lol.

It may be because I like to know everything when I read something, so that's how I write too. I don't know so you'll have to put up with it I'm afraid.

In Part Two: The Dirty Deed...How I Felt About It Then...What I Feel Now.

Depending on the length, I may be able to fit in a joke or two also.

Thanks for reading!

Take good care of yourself,

Col

Edit - Poll about "Sex With My Buddies" posts

2008-12-21T23:24:00.003Z

Hi guys,

Sorry if you already voted (x2 Twenties, x1 Stop them, x2 Cont. with details), but I added another option...please either re-vote if you wish to remain anonymous, or comment that you had already voted (leave details).

Many thanks,
Col

This is my first poll and it's not what I envisaged my first one would be about, but it is (to me at least) necessary if I'm to/not to continue with the "Sex With My Buddies" posts.

Of course I want to attract new readers, who doesn't, but I don't want to do that at the expense of losing my regular readers.

One of the readers commented that my post was too explicit for them so they did not finish reading it. I thank him for his honesty, and, for telling me so too. I respect everybody's opinion so I read the post again, and I thought...actually, did I really need to go into so much detail? Surely, just saying that we sucked each other off in some bushes would have been adequate!
It would've been a shorter post, that's for sure lol.

Then I thought...well maybe it wasn't too graphic really, because I was trying to put across my first sexual experience with another person. We were twelve years old and experimenting with sex for the first time in our lives. I was trying to show our inexperience in the things I wrote, but it was a truthful account of what happened and what I was thinking...as I remember it, nothing more. Peter and I fumbled our way through that evening, and a few more too until we'd gained some knowledge of each others likes and dislikes, desires etc.

So, as I don't know whether to carry on with these posts or not, I've decided to leave it up to my readers to decide the outcome, by way of a poll...see sidebar (2 Polls).

Do I stop?
Do I continue...with graphic descriptions?
Do I continue...without graphic descriptions?
Do I continue...in my own sweet way?

I'd also like to know the age of voters too, so please vote on both polls. Of course you can always vote and comment.

Thanks to all those who left comments on the last post, and as always I have left my comment to each of you.

Lines are now open so please...

get VOTING and COMMENTING now!

I hope you've had a great weekend...and finished all your shopping lol.

Take care,
Col